Friday, February 12, 2010

(an old one I found about 2008)

365 days.
8765 hours.
535600 minutes.
31,556,926 seconds.
1 ex boyfriend released from jail.
2 notches added to the good ol' bedpost.
3 apartments.
46 overdraft fees.

A year. A passing. A change. A constant. It's always inevitably too short, too hard, too fast, too slow, too busy, too boring, too uneventful, too exciting, and we never see the end coming. It was just yesterday that we had a new years party? Where did 200_ go? When did it become 2000? It goes faster and faster, they say.

Like time was created to free us, and we always act shocked when it confines us.

My year, like any other year I've had, was a year. Full of crap and happy times and blessings and curses and long nights and short nights and fun nights and boring ones. Some nights consisted of taking too much NyQuil to pass out and forget about the days, some nights I slept for two hours because I was up doing much more important things. The world turned, the sun set, the moon set, the cars crashed, the people died, the other people celebrated, the friends got engaged, the others broke up, some people found love, others found out how much they hated love. I tiptoed into online dating, hated it. I ran into past lovers, hated it. I met new friends and people, hated it. I spent money i didn't have, of course. I cried a lot.  too much.

I made my life into a story, a novel, one that I thought I'd want to read. I tried to do everything everyone told me to do and put on a pretty face and smiled and tried hard and worked hard and did what was meant to be done. And believe me, I did it all gracefully because for a long long long time my life was in uproar and was buried beneath pain. I was able to put on an honest happy face because I was honestly happy. But I realize, in retrospect, that I was just happy I wasn't hurting anymore (and my God is that a wonderful thing), to be in such a place free of pain. My eyes are brighter, I can feel it. My steps a little softer, my heart a little more patient. Because I am not slowly dying anymore. That's what 2008 brought me, a lightening of things. An immeasurable amount of possibilities and hope and light and love and laughter, and although not all days were sunshiney and fogless - they were all, in their own way, a day which I could be happy to be alive because I was out of the desert and I was out of misery and I was out of feeling like every day I was trying to fight air, like it had some hold on me.

The beginning started rough, and it caught me off guard, and I was like really what the fuck. Wasn't 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007 enough? Wasn't it? Like WHAT THE FUCK! Why do you have to take 2008 too. I was so bitter, so angry that it wasn't going my way...and I was just tired of trying to fight it to make it go my way. So I said FUCK YOU RIGHT BACK LIFE. Fuck you friends, fuck you bad boyfriends, fuck you horrible people and circumstance and situations. And i let it all go. I said fuck you, and good riddens because I dont want your contamination into my days. I don't care if I'm bored and friendless and ugly and boyfriendless, get the hell out of my days.

When i did that, when I said fuck you back, my life changed. And I dont mean in that sappy cliche way, like omygosh everything was perfect and I fell in love and the sun was out and we were on the beach and the waves were crashing and this instrumental song was playing and the birds were chirping and I was wearing pink and some sort of flowly skirt, it changed in a way that was like : life's hard. period. it is. it's not pretty and paint-by-number and magical. it's fucking hard. but it's a hell of a lot easier when you put good things around you. like you do shit you like to do, and you read books you wanna read, and you talk to people you like and who like you back, and you speak your mind even if the truth kinda makes you look like an asshole, and you don't put up with bullshit, FROM ANYONE. And life's hard, but you stop trying to suffocate it with medicine and bandaids, and you just let it breathe...

breathe mother fucker, breathe!

1 comment:

  1. i love this. i love you. please keep blogging. xo.
    ps. let's make shit together.