Thursday, February 25, 2010


Today I feel like writing about my old love life. You know, the one involving my ex boyfriend going to jail, or dating being friends with a boy for three years, or having my best friend sleep with my boyfriend of four years.  I feel like purging that on to the paper today. I feel like being an ARTIST. Creating. Making. Taking every bit of emotion I've ever felt and putting it on to paper.

I will attempt to write something today, maybe...but I can't create anything with paper since I have to sit at my boring desk job all day.

In the meantime, while I think about writing a story or two, here are some things that are inspiring me today:


yep Pictures, Images and Photos

Photobucket{Nifty Photos}

Color Splash Pictures, Images and Photos

and most importantly:Photobucket
{Nifty Photos}

I tried to create a playlist full of inspirational songs and add it to this post but it didn't work, you can check it out here: Feb. 25th Inspirational Playlist

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Possible Book Intro!

I've dated them all.  And I do mean all of them.  The quarterback, the band nerd, the basketball player, the shy  one, the loud one, the felon, the super-christian, the cocky, the humble, the wise, the ignorant, the guy who makes you drool, and the guy who makes you cringe.  I've dated the guy who laughs at my jokes but has none to contribute, the guys who never stop making jokes and takes nothing seriously, I've dated guys that hit me, that I hit, others that would never even say a cuss word or go over the speed limit.  I've dated the emotional, the unemotional, the mean, the gentle, the angry, the happy, the frat boy, the historian, the best buy employee, the unemployed, the wealthy, the poor, the middle-class, the beautiful, and the not-so beautiful.  If I haven't listed one part of every man you know then I probably dated his best friend, brother, cousin, or someone close to him.  I've dated cousins of friends, friends of cousins, brothers of friends, friends of friends, randoms, people I've known for six years, people I've known for six minutes.  Guys I've met at bars, guys I've met at church, guys at house parties, guys at friends birthday parties, guys online, guys at school, or guys at football games.  I've dated guys that were roommates of guys I've dated, and I've dated brothers of guys I've dated.  I've dated guys a foot and a half taller than me and I've dated guys an inch taller than me. 

I don't know if it's a feat, a triumph, or just a story or two but I've been there and back with probably every type of man there is.  Some might say it's a problem, others might say its co-dependency, some may even suggest it's bad-ass.  For me, its just what I've done.  Always.  It's what I've known, it's what I've been.  It's what I've experienced.  I wouldn't call it anything but a life.  A life that I chose to live every day.  And I can tell you that some of the stories you are about to read are stories you've heard, and others are stories you've never heard.  Some of these stories might make you laugh (at least that's what I'm attempting for) and some of these stories might make you cry.  Regardless of what you take away from them, every single man, guy, or boy that has entered my life has changed me, molded me, taught me, and has left part of them within me.  It is my duty to share with you what I have been left with.


Tuesday, February 23, 2010

"On Waiting"

"I have always, essentially, been waiting. Waiting to become something else, waiting to be that person I always thought I was on the verge of becoming, waiting for that life I thought I would have. In my head, I was always one step away. In high school, I was biding my time until I could become the college version of myself, the one my mind could see so clearly. In college, the post-college “adult” person was always looming in front of me, smarter, stronger, more organized. Then the married person, then the person I’d become when we have kids. 

For twenty years, literally, I have waited to become the thin version of myself, because that’s when life will really begin. And through all that waiting, here I am. My life is passing, day by day, and I am waiting for it to start. I am waiting for that time, that person, that event when my life will finally begin...

But this is what I’m finding: This is it, in the best possible way. That thing I’m waiting for, that adventure, that movie-score-worthy experience unfolding gracefully. This is it. Normal, daily life ticking by on our streets and sidewalks, in our houses and apartments, in our beds and at our dinner tables, in our dreams and prayers and fights and secrets. This life is the most precious thing any of us will ever experience...This is life in all its glory, swirling and unfolding around us, disguised as pedantic, pedestrian non-events." -Shauna Niequist Cold Tangerines

These are the things I've been waiting for:

-to be a teacher
-to take my nieces to Disneyland
-to love my apartment and not feel the desire to move
-to afford to take my dad or mom or sister to dinner
-to have the ability to save money
-to write a book, or get published somewhere
-to create something that someone feels is worth money
-to go to Italy, and Paris.
-to feel settled

Some of these things I don't have because of my own stubbornness (or laziness), some of these things I don't have because I haven't had the right opportunity present itself, and some of these things haven't happened because I just don't have the money.  Regardless, they are all possibilities.  They are all things I can have if I work hard at them, and I persevere through the struggles that it takes for me to obtain them.  I should stop waiting to have these things, and instead make them happen!!  I know I can.  I know exactly how to get all of these things.  Some of these things I could have had earlier than now but I have let my own fear of failure get in the way of pursuing my dreams.

Today I resolve to stop waiting.
Today I will get off my bum and do what needs to be done.
Today I will stop waiting and start living.
Today is the day I have been waiting for.

(now lets hope today is also the day I start being serious about going to the gym)

Monday, February 22, 2010

When Did I Get This Fat

I know you're thinking: you're not fat.  And I may not be.  But none of my pants fit anymore.  I had to go out and buy new pants.  AND for the first time, I had to buy LARGE shirts.  Mediums don't fit me.  The size itself tells me I'm big.  Large size shirts = large sized girl.   So you can tell me I'm not fat all you want, but I'm fat.

I don't know what happened, or how I got fat, or how to make it go away.  But I want it to stop.  I hate every picture I take.  I always wind up wearing sweats even when its totally inappropriate.  I don't wear tank tops because I don't want to show my fat arms.  And every time I go to the gym and the machine asks me to enter my weight, I enter it really fast so that no one near by sees how fat I've gotten.  I almost feel like lying to the machine so people won't judge me at the gym for being slightly obese.

I mostly blame this on my move to Chicago.  This place is full of fattening foods, and comfort food.  Plus it's FREEZING cold and so naturally my body stores fat.  A lovely side affect of winter weather.  It's not bad enough that it is below thirty every day, but hey, lets put a few added pounds on your ass and thighs!


Dr. Henry Cloud

He is a famous therapist who I am friends with on facebook.  He is a very technological therapist (with lots of published books), I feel like he never sleeps.  Anyway: today he wrote something on his facebook that seemed quite intriguing.

Question: is what you are doing sustainable? Think about some area of your life, whether work or personal, or emotional, and put it to the sustainability test. "Can you keep doing what you are doing for an ongoing amount of time?" If you could, that would mean that it is sustaining itself, or said another way, you are finding enough resources to keep "it" going.  If not, it may be a sign that you need to make some sort of change, or just make sure that this is not "just a season." A CPA could not keep up the pace of March, but he or she knows that after April 15th, the pace will change. If you are in a known season, and overextended, that may be ok. The problem comes when a "season" becomes a "pattern."  If you are in a pattern that you do not want to go on indefinitely, think of what you can do to make a change that will get you to a sustainable place.

This sustainability question session got me thinking about my current situation.  Currently I am in a place where I am living a life that is not something I can sustain for a long period of time.  Having hardly any friends, feeling like my work life is empty, having nothing to do in my free time but shop, having no one to share life with besides my boyfriend...that is hardly living at all.  I go home, I make dinner, I watch TV, i sleep, i get up, go to work, go home, make dinner, watch tv, sleep, get up...(okay, you get the picture).  Basically my day to day living has no living in it.  I'm just living on a plateau going no where and walking the same way every day.  I don't know how much longer I can sustain life this way. 

So, the next question is : do i try to sustain life in L.A. which has been invariably calling my name?

I heart


today is a day for the things i love:

SHARPIES :O Pictures, Images and Photos
 Color Splash, Colors, Paint, Paints Pictures, Images and Photos

california love Pictures, Images and Photos

bokeh Pictures, Images and Photos 

♥moon sets:
Moon Set Pictures, Images and Photos
Library Pictures, Images and Photos

♥my friends:
 photography Pictures, Images and Photos
vintage polaroid instant camera Pictures, Images and Photos

Friday, February 19, 2010

Tiger Tiger Tiger

Today Tiger gave his speech/apology to the world, or to those people who didn't boycott it.  Personally, I think Tiger did a fine job.  Could you imagine having to apologize to BILLIONS of people for your mistake.  Just imagine how you felt when you were younger and you broke your mom's favorite vase, or crashed your parents car, or did something totally stupid...and you had to admit it to your parents, or your best friend, or someone else you really care about.  How horrible was that?  Didn't you just feel so bad, and like such a disappointment?  Well multiply that feeling times A BILLION (literally), and try to apologize.  Considering the circumstances, and knowing how many people Tiger let down, I think he did a fine job.

Tiger is clearly working towards being a better man and restoring his marriage.  He is taking steps to work through the therapeutic process of restoring his mental health, he is attempting to heal his marriage, and his biggest concern was the well being of his family through all all of his personal wrong doings.

So to a very specific bitch that I know judged Tiger like she was perfect...go screw yourself.  I know you think you know what's best...but for one minute of the day can you give someone a fucking break...I know you think that "tiger woods sounds like a tool" and that "this whole thing is the some of the most atrocious shit I've seen" but can you HONESTLY tell me you've never had to apologize to anyone?

Yes, Tiger is responsible for getting himself into this situation, and yes it is Tiger's bad for cheating on his wife.  But he is doing the best he can.  People make mistakes.  People fall down and make poor choices and do dumb things sometimes.  They act like idiots, and ignore what really matters.  Every single person has done something they regret, or they would take back, or something they wish they had never done to begin with...but what Tiger has shown is that he isn't just backing out when it's easy.  He isn't just walking away from his marriage and his kids and family.  He is taking the hard steps of dealing with the issue.

Most people in this world are too scared of therapy or too scared of themselves to actually look in the mirror and face their shit.  So, although many people would disagree with me, my hats off to you Tiger.  For being the better man and taking the high road.   Congrats on working it out in therapy.  My hope is that you don't find yourself back in this situation and you really work it out with your loving and supportive wife, and that your kids don't have to feel this pain again.

And just remember folks:


Thursday, February 18, 2010

Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young

I love Baz Luhrmann's song, "Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen" (originally an essay "Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young" written by Mary Schmich and published in the Chicago Tribune as a column in 1997).  Ever since the song came out in 1998 I have been obsessed with it.  I listen to it several times a year, quote it often and sometimes sing it to myself when I am thinking something poor or trying to find the right words to get motivated.  It's a good reminder to people of my generation to see things are they really are, rather than in a skewed version of ignorance and innocence.

It goes a little something like this:

My favorite lines of the song/speech are (which are ever poignant today):

"Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth, oh never mind.  you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded, but trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you cant grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked."

"Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get,
the more you need the people you knew when you were young."

"What ever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either
your choices are half chance, so are everybody elses."

"Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday." 

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


If you don't know me...i am taken over, look at every day, can't stop repeating, and sending, and searching, quotes.  They are my all time favorite things.  I have binders and books, and emails, and scrapbooks FILLED with my favorite quotes.

Here are some ones that I am IN love with:


Spread your arms, open your heart Pictures, Images and Photos

Life quote Pictures, Images and Photos



Albert Einstein quote Pictures, Images and Photos

Life quote Pictures, Images and Photos

"I used to complain because I had no shoes, then one day I met a man who had no feet."

"There are two ways to live: As if nothing is a miracle; or you can life as if everything is."

in the midst of my searching I found my new favorite pastime:

In case you didn't know

Pet peeves aside, I really hate it when people assume they know me (actually, on that note, I hate it when people assume they know anything).  I have someone in my life, who a. i wish i didn't know at all and b. likes to twitter about me.  The twitter post was something like "blah blah blah blah I don't know what I am talking about blah blah blah."  So, instead of asking me about my life, and getting to know who I am and what I have been through this person likes to run her mouth on twitter, act like she knows what's right, and treat me like I'm some one who has never been through anything hard.

Well, in case you didn't know: I have been through a lot.  And when I say a lot, I mean there were weeks when I could barely get out of bed, and moments when I had lost all hope in the world, and times when there was no sunshine and I was buried under piles of snow and rubble and I could barely breathe.  And it's not because I was melodramatic, it's because the world had completely crumbled in front of my eyes, and sadness was all I knew.  But I say this knowing that I don't want a pity party, or a parade in my honor crying tears of sadness that I have been through hard stuff, nor do i want sympathy.  Because how I chose to live my life is not in the shadow of those dark times, nor do I carry the weight of the struggles in my life when I wake up every morning and decide to go out there and give it another shot.  What I chose to do with my life, in spite of the hard times, is recognize the countless blessing I have been given.  The things that I have that many people in this world live every single day without. 

I am grateful for the bed I rest my head on, and the family I have that loves and supports me, and I am thankful that I am never hungry.  I am eternally grateful that I know what love is, and that I have the support of great friends all across this country.  And I am grateful that I have the chance to pursue my dreams, and the opportunity to travel the world, and the know-how to be a kind and compassionate person to everyone I meet.  I am grateful my mother taught me the greatest lesson in life : LIVE LIFE HONESTLY, and FORGIVE OTHERS.  And I am forever grateful to the fact that my father is the wise man that he is, and has the patience to listen to his daughter gripe about her life problems and the heart to tell her the truth.  I am thankful to have a sister who always kept a close eye on me, and is there to help guide and support me whenever I lose my way. I am thankful for my family's campground in Colorado. It is a place that I can go and be loved, accepted, and taken in every single time I go there.  I am so appreciative to every one in my mom's family, and every one in my dad's family because they are all special, loving, and caring individuals who are bright and talented and unique.   I am happy to have a car. and a job. and to have enough money to buy some new clothes every once in a while.  I am thankful that it is in my nature to help.  I am glad that I have it on my heart to become a teacher in the hopes to change lives.  I am thankful i get to drink sweat tea from Starbucks if I want it.  And I can go to the movies if I feel like it.  And I can marry whomever I so choose (as long as he loves me back!).  I am thankful every single day that I am alive and experiencing this gift of life.  I am so eternally grateful that I know God.  I am thankful I have friends that make me laugh so hard I nearly cry.  And friends that will go on crazy adventures with me and stay up all night with me.  I am thankful I have a deep yearning to create, even if I am the only one who knows it.  I am happy i grew up in a culturally diverse area, full of accepting loving people.  I am blessed to have had the teachers that I have that have allowed me to become the writer, the student, and the future educator that I am.  I am thankful and grateful for all the very little and all the very big things that I have in this life.

So, although I chose to live life as if it were a blessing instead of a curse, and I wear a smile every day because it brings joy to the doesn't mean that I don't know pain, and I have had an easy life.   My life is just as hard as the next persons, but I choose to acknowledge the gifts instead of what's been taken from me.  I prefer to think that when there are cloudy skies, that the sun is out, you just can't see it.  I know that it is only in the darkest of nights that you can see the stars the brightest.  Life knows enough pain, every person has felt sadness, but I chose to live life happily to the best of my ability because I would much rather share happiness and joy than be full of pain and sadness.

In case you didn't know.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Heart Day

In honor of Valentines Day, and in the hopes that all this love lifts my are some fun images that made me happy:

love icon Pictures, Images and Photos

love Pictures, Images and Photos

hugs Pictures, Images and Photos

and in the midst of my photo searching I was reminded of a great book I read's crazy...but awesome:

love Pictures, Images and Photos

here's the hilarious website for the book:

Moving To Seattle

(Seattle named 21st best city for twentysomethings)

I thought Seattle was also the number one city for suicides?

So lets just throw a bunch of confused, lost, and hopeless twenty somethings in with that statistic and it'll make for a great story.

And we're back

So I decided it was time I start becoming an active blogger, in the hopes that someone, somewhere will read my crap and end up allowing me to publish a book about the crazy shit I've been through.  So here's hoping...

(an old one I found about 2008)

365 days.
8765 hours.
535600 minutes.
31,556,926 seconds.
1 ex boyfriend released from jail.
2 notches added to the good ol' bedpost.
3 apartments.
46 overdraft fees.

A year. A passing. A change. A constant. It's always inevitably too short, too hard, too fast, too slow, too busy, too boring, too uneventful, too exciting, and we never see the end coming. It was just yesterday that we had a new years party? Where did 200_ go? When did it become 2000? It goes faster and faster, they say.

Like time was created to free us, and we always act shocked when it confines us.

My year, like any other year I've had, was a year. Full of crap and happy times and blessings and curses and long nights and short nights and fun nights and boring ones. Some nights consisted of taking too much NyQuil to pass out and forget about the days, some nights I slept for two hours because I was up doing much more important things. The world turned, the sun set, the moon set, the cars crashed, the people died, the other people celebrated, the friends got engaged, the others broke up, some people found love, others found out how much they hated love. I tiptoed into online dating, hated it. I ran into past lovers, hated it. I met new friends and people, hated it. I spent money i didn't have, of course. I cried a lot.  too much.

I made my life into a story, a novel, one that I thought I'd want to read. I tried to do everything everyone told me to do and put on a pretty face and smiled and tried hard and worked hard and did what was meant to be done. And believe me, I did it all gracefully because for a long long long time my life was in uproar and was buried beneath pain. I was able to put on an honest happy face because I was honestly happy. But I realize, in retrospect, that I was just happy I wasn't hurting anymore (and my God is that a wonderful thing), to be in such a place free of pain. My eyes are brighter, I can feel it. My steps a little softer, my heart a little more patient. Because I am not slowly dying anymore. That's what 2008 brought me, a lightening of things. An immeasurable amount of possibilities and hope and light and love and laughter, and although not all days were sunshiney and fogless - they were all, in their own way, a day which I could be happy to be alive because I was out of the desert and I was out of misery and I was out of feeling like every day I was trying to fight air, like it had some hold on me.

The beginning started rough, and it caught me off guard, and I was like really what the fuck. Wasn't 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007 enough? Wasn't it? Like WHAT THE FUCK! Why do you have to take 2008 too. I was so bitter, so angry that it wasn't going my way...and I was just tired of trying to fight it to make it go my way. So I said FUCK YOU RIGHT BACK LIFE. Fuck you friends, fuck you bad boyfriends, fuck you horrible people and circumstance and situations. And i let it all go. I said fuck you, and good riddens because I dont want your contamination into my days. I don't care if I'm bored and friendless and ugly and boyfriendless, get the hell out of my days.

When i did that, when I said fuck you back, my life changed. And I dont mean in that sappy cliche way, like omygosh everything was perfect and I fell in love and the sun was out and we were on the beach and the waves were crashing and this instrumental song was playing and the birds were chirping and I was wearing pink and some sort of flowly skirt, it changed in a way that was like : life's hard. period. it is. it's not pretty and paint-by-number and magical. it's fucking hard. but it's a hell of a lot easier when you put good things around you. like you do shit you like to do, and you read books you wanna read, and you talk to people you like and who like you back, and you speak your mind even if the truth kinda makes you look like an asshole, and you don't put up with bullshit, FROM ANYONE. And life's hard, but you stop trying to suffocate it with medicine and bandaids, and you just let it breathe...

breathe mother fucker, breathe!