This morning while riding the train to work a song came on my ipod that got me thinking about the "good ol days." Well, actually I got started thinking about the "gool ol days" yesterday when a long lost friend was texting me about how much fun we used to have. Randomly going to Hawaii on a whim. Deciding the day before that we should do it. Going to the beach for bonfires. Getting kicked off the beach for bonfires. Spending all night awake talking and watching movies and swimming in the pool until our fingers and toes pruned up. These were the moments in time where time seemed endless. Where life seemed infinite and we could do anything in the world that we wanted to do. We were young and carefree and life was SIMPLE.
Somehow, along the way, things turned complicated and hard and there was no more ignorance or naivety. We graduated college and we got real jobs, my friend I was talking to even had a baby (very unexpectedly, and with the completely wrong person). Nonetheless, the carefree days of then somehow turned into the burdensome days of today. Life's simple nuances have been replaced with "real jobs" and responsibilities.
I don't know how the innocence was just gone one day. But it was. And these days when I wake up, I see EVERYTHING. The pain, the sadness, the worries that I never used to have. Although I tend to have a good attitude and always look for the positive, it doesn't mean I don't notice the bad. I used to not even worry back then. I never had anxiety. I never felt confused. Back then I was 20 and loving summer. I was doing whatever the wind blew my way. I was riding on the back of motorcycles, and painting my nails hot orange and wearing a size 4.
Now, I don't know, it's just harder. The choices I make now seem to inevitably affect the rest of my life. That thought, that weight, just seem almost unbearable at times. Like, "how do I know I am making the right choice?" and "What if this hurts too much?" or "What if I can't ever get over that...?"
Which brings me to the song that really hit home this morning. The song is a new song by b.o.b. called "airplanes":
I could use a dream or a genie or a wish
To go back to a place much simpler than this...
Somebody take me back to the days
Before this was a job
Before I got payed
Before it ever matter what I had in my bank...
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now.
I know I won't ever get to wish on airplanes, and I know that no matter how hard I try there will never be a way to get back to the place I long for. So I have to keep looking forward. Keep remembering the "good ol days" all while knowing that there are more days to come. Days that I can do anything I want with. I may not have the same young, carefree attitude I did back then, but I am still living an breathing and able to laugh and cry and live on a whim!
I guess a more important song to listen to right now would be by Jordin Sparks called "One Step at a Time":
We live and we learn to take one step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's supposed to happen
and we find the reasons why
One step at a time
So although I will try to remember to take it one step at a time... I could really could use a wish right now....
