Longing

The thing with missing someone or something, mostly someone, is that their absence cannot be filled by anything other than them. It's a terrible feeling really. No amount of cupcakes or laughs with other friends or Vente Iced Black Teas from Starbucks can fill the void caused by this someone being taken away. The reality of their absence is emptiness. An empty empty place in the chest cavity. It's sometimes overwhelming and terribly sad and it rips the heart right out from behind the rib cage and exposes it to stinging fresh air and the lungs are gripping breaths and the stomach flips and cries anxiety.

My whole body aches at the loss. Tears fall from my eyes at great lengths. I weep deep heavy and hard cries. Sadness is in my hands, and it is seeping in and out of my pours.  My whole body reacts to the desperateness. I can often drown myself in the gloom. For me, it feel likes there is a box of bricks sitting on my chest and I can't take a deep enough breath. And a sense of not being able to take another breath comes over me. Then I realize that the only thing that can take the fear of it all being over away from me, is the smile on that person's face.

My reality is that sometimes I remember beautiful moments with this person and I realize how lucky I was at the time to have them. But the thing that hurts is that I never said anything. I never said thank you, I never looked the person in the eye and told them I loved them. I never realized that the moments would be taken from me. As cliche as it is to say, I never cherished the time for what it was when I had it. Now I regret not telling the person that I was blessed to know them. Not breathing in every moment of life that this person gave to me. Daily, sometimes even hourly, I remember the belly laughs, and jokes, the tears, the truth, the honesty, but more importantly I remember the rawness of our bond. It was there regardless of whatever else was going on, or who was around, there was simply a bond. A person-to-person, you-get-me, you-accept-me, you-breathe-life-into-me, kind of bond.

I feel like I wasted the short amount of time I was given. I feel angry that the time was stolen from me. I'm confused why it ended the way it did. I feel unsure of what my next step should be. I feel crushed and unwhole and lost and confused.

This person will probably never know the full extend of how wonderful their existence was in my life. I'm not sure if I ever will fully understand it either. All I know is that now that they are gone, a constant undertone of anguish and hopelessness has seeped into my daily living.

"i can't take back what i've done, but if I could, i damn sure would."


wherever you are. i love you.

When It Rains It Pours

It was a saying I heard back in college when a dear friend of mine had his life turned upside down.  It was the summertime and his live-in girlfriend cheated on him and left him for another guy, he crashed his car and got a DUI, was arrested for some other sort of public indecency, and got fired from his job.  That same time my friend introduced me to Coldplay and I listened to the X&Y CD everyday.  Nearly every song on that able was meant for people who were going through hard times.  At the very time it was raining in my friends life, it was pouring in mine as well.  My best friend had slept with my boyfriend of 4 years, and he left me.  My father was hospitalized, and then shortly thereafter got an infection that could have been fatal, and I had gotten fired from my job.  It was a terrible terrible time and there was rain day in and day out.  I remember that time vividly because it was without a doubt the darkest time in my life.  Some of the lyrics from the Coldplay CD still reverberate in my ears now:

“Every step that you take could be your biggest mistake. 
It could bend, or it could break, That's the risk that you take.” –What If

“And the hardest part was letting go not taking part
Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do just comes undone
And everything is torn apart.”   -The Hardest Part

“I don't know which way I'm going
I don't know which way I've come
Hold my head... inside your hands
I need someone... who understands
I need someone... someone who hears.” –’Til Kingdom comes

“Is there anybody out there who
Is lost and hurt and lonely too?
Are you bleeding all your colors into one
And if you come undone
As if you've been run through
Some catapult it fired you
You wonder if your chance will ever come
Or if you're stuck in square one.” –Square One

The lyrics from that album transcended into the depths of me and spoke to me in a way that music never had before.  I think my friend being in just as dark of a place and giving me music to express the pain was a blessing.  Albeit I listened to that CD at full volume daily, it was the words of my friend that truly stuck with me.  WHEN IT RAINS IT POURS.  Albeit, he did not come up with the phrase on his own, I had never heard it before he said it, so in some ways he coined the term in my mental dictionary. 

At this season of my life, the phrase seems to, once again, be appropriate.  Sadly.  It seems that everything that could go wrong or be wrong or suck or hurt is going wrong or sucking or hurting or causing me pain.  Just when I think I get a moment to catch my breath and break away from the storm, another round comes pouring down.  Some nights this summer I have been in my bed wondering how all this happened.  Just a few months ago I was filled with overwhelming joy and completion and happiness and I was in the best place of my life.  Now, I am sitting longing for what was, wishing for what isn’t, and cursing what is.  I don’t know when the attitude shifted or when things became dark in my life, but I have a good guess.

I think the my outlook on my world starting on a downward rolling pattern when I realized that the world was cruel and unjust on May 5th.  For the sake of security, I can’t go into explicit details.   But, I will say that someone who needed me more than I needed them was taken from me.  People don’t understand that some people (i.e. me) have pure intentions.  I was put in a situation where I had to ignore the fact that I cared about someone and that I was helping them.  I had to move forward as though I knew nothing, and ignore the fact that I got really close to this person over the last several months.  I truly believe that in this life we are meant to see one another through.  It is our job, and my sole conviction, to help people in any way possible to make this journey of life easier for them.  I try to be a good friend, a good listener, someone who cares, and someone who gives everything.  I do not hold back when it comes to people who are important to me.  When I care about someone, I do everything I can to make them feel loved and special and understood.  I also, do everything I can to know and learn every part of that person, good and bad and accept them for what they are.  I’m by no means perfect, and sometimes I do a bad job of it.  But, when I invest myself into someone, I really give it all.  And, when I spend months getting to know someone and learning how to make life easier for them, and supporting them through the ups and downs that come and go, and then they are taken from me for no reason…I am reminded.  Life is cruel.  More importantly, things happen for no reason at all.  Bad things.  Bad things to good people.  And more bad things happen to people who have had bad things happen to them their whole lives.  When it rains, it pours.

I could go into all the details of why I think it’s raining in my life.  But, that’s not my point right now.  My point is, how long must I put up with the storm before a little sunshine comes my way?  I’m trying  my darndest to change my attitude and outlook on life.  It still seems that at the end of every day, all I want to do is cry and sleep it all away.  When will it stop?  When will it just go away and things go back to being normal?  I also have this terrible yearning in me for a relationship and I think that when I get a boyfriend everything will just make sense again.  Which, logically is an illogical mindset to have.  I just need something to get my mind off everything because I feel like I am on the brink of a mental breakdown.  Legitimately going insane. 

I understand that when it rains it pours, I learned that many summers ago in my youth and I am reliving in the same type of season now.  But, I just wish someone would come alongside me and offer me an umbrella.