Tuesday, January 31, 2012

To Whom It May Concern

"Why are you so far from me?
In my arms is where you are to be
How long will you make me wait?
I don't know how much more I can take
I missed you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do
Slowly counting down the days
Till I finally know your name
The way your hand feels round my waist
The way you laugh, the way your kisses taste
I missed you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to...

Dear whoever you might be
I'm still waiting patiently."

I'm kind of getting tired of waiting.  I mean, how long do I really have to wait?  Where are you?  Have I met you yet?  Did I miss my chance?  Is there something wrong with me?  What am I waiting for?  What are you waiting for?

I feel stuck.  Just frozen in time.  Like there is no moving forward.  No matter what I do I seem to end up being in the same place. 

Is it so bad that I want to find him?

How Long Will You Make Me Wait?

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Other People's Thoughts

"There is something in every one of you that waits and listens
for the sound of the genuine in yourself.
It is the only true guide you will ever have. 
And if you cannot hear it, 
you will all of your life spend your days 
on the ends of strings that somebody else pulls." -Howard Thurman 

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; 
courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen." -Winston Churchill

"The keenest sorrow is to recognize 
ourselves as the sole cause of all our adversities." -Sophocles

"Pursue some path, however narrow and crooked, 
in which you can walk with love and reverence." -Henry David Thoreau 

"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun." -Christopher Mccandless

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Walking in the Sun

Obsessed with this song:

Fink --"Walking in the Sun"

Things have been going wrong
Long enough to know everything is right
Been walking in the dark, long enough to know
I finally see the light

I've been losing long enough to know
When I finally won
And even a blind man can tell
When he's walking in the sun

Cried enough tears to know
This feeling called a smile
And I've been bought around long enough to know
When I do it in style

I've been running long enough to know
There's no more need a run
And even a blind man can tell
When he's walking in the sun

Well, the wind is at my back and I'm
Sailing on a ship that's overdue
Well, I've blown so many chances that I
Ain't gonna blow this chance with you

And I've seen enough bad times to know
Good times are gone, yeah
Even a blind man can tell
When he's walking in the sun
Walking in the sun

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Short Sentences

I recently heard a song by The Civil Wars called "Tip of my Tongue."  It make me think of all the things on the tip of my own tongue that I am dying to say.  So, here they are (all the things I wish I could say but I cannot).

These are the words stuffed inside of me:
  • It was so good to see you.  I've missed you so much.  I can't wait until I get to see you again.  You will always have the most precious place in my heart and I will forever care deeply for you in ways I cannot comprehend.  Be good to yourself and know that you are always unconditionally loved.
  • I miss you, so much.
  • How long am I going to have to wait?
  • What's wrong with me?
  • Are you thinking of me too?
  • I wish someone would say to me: what do you need right now?
  • Why does my heart long and ache after things it cannot have...
  • You are so cute, and I, in unknown ways, adore  your idiosyncrasies and wish you found me half as interesting as I find you to be.
  • How can I be crying when I have so much?
  • You were wrong.
  • I can't see you anymore.
  • I miss your friendship, but know we can never have it back, and it's sad.  You were a great friend to have and wonderful guiding light when I needed it the most.  At the end of the day, you are selfish and I know we can never be friends again because of it.
  • I miss you, so much.
    i miss you, so much.
    i miss you...so much.
  • There's this song I listen to, just because it's the only thing that make me feel like someone else understands.  It's called "Someone I Used to Know."  It says something like
    "Now and then I think of when we were together
    Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
    Told myself that you were right for me
    But felt so lonely in your company
    But that was love and it's an ache I still remember..."

In reality, most days and times and moments I am happy and loved and feel extremely blessed, and really honestly couldn't ask for more.  I just wonder if I ruined the best thing I ever could have had in a relationship. I wonder if I will ever get that feeling back and if I will ever be in the kind of relationship I was in before.  I wonder if there is someone else like that out there for me.  I wonder if I would have even been happy in it, or if I am fantasizing about how great it was.  Then I think about the fact that he has a girlfriend, and I think that I am stupid for letting myself even think about him.  And, then sometimes I wonder if he will read this blog and see what I write and wonder if it is about him.  Some of it is, and some of it is about other people or other things or other situations.  But right now, it's about him.  The him I can't have because he is elsewhere, literally and figuratively.  It really has been hurting me lately to think that he is out there living his life and loving his girlfriend and moving on with his life, while I am here wondering if I am ever going to be fulfilled.  Sometimes I wonder if he longs for me or misses me the ways that I miss and adore and love him.  Then I remember that he doesn't want to be with me, and I realize that he can't feel the way I do, and he even told me he doesn't love me like I love him, mostly because (as he said) he is incapable of feeling about anyone the way I feel about anything because he just doesn't have the breadth of emotions that I do.  Regardless, he can't feel even nearly what I feel about him, because there would be no other way for him to continue to fake being happy with the wrong person, if I was in fact the right one.

I'm trying to move on.  Really I am.  I am doing everything I know how to do to move on.  But my soul is calling out his name.  Saying "wait"  just "wait" he will come back.  My whole being is telling me that I need to wait for him, and things will be better again someday.  My whole soul is telling me, from some unknown place that he is the one and that it is meant to be.  The story is to great, and the destiny has been written in the stars for far too long for it not to mean something more than just this.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Unbelieveably Precious

I will keep this short.  I will keep this simple.  It's the only way it can be.

My heart is happy.  Deep in its core.  

It is well with my soul.  Thank You, God.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Hello, Fresh Start

Today is 1.2.2012.  I have lots of goals for this year and lots of things I want to get accomplished.  Therefore this blog post won't be that long because I must get started.  Yesterday, I was in bed sick all day so I am already a day behind (go figure). 

First and foremost, this year I am vowing to spend more time crafting.  I joined Pinterest (bad idea, super addicting!).   There are lots of projects I want to make on there that I have found thus far, so I am going to get started on those.  I just have to decide which I want to do first.  It also gives me a great place to find cute layouts for scrapbooking.  You can follow me if you want (http://pinterest.com/thoughtfulteach/).  

Secondly, I am going to be healthy.  Eat better.  Live better. I am not really on a diet or anything special.  Just cutting out the crap.  Working out.  Planning walks.  Planning meals.  Shopping for fresh.  I mean, I live in California.  How can I not eat the fresh fruits and veggies here?  We have year round farmer's markets.  Plus, the weather is so nice that people were sitting outside at Starbucks today.  I have to enjoy that, right?!  

Thirdly, well basically that's it.  Those are the two things I am really fully committed to.  I told my friend a few weeks back that I was going to go celibate for the new year.  She thought I said "celebrate" and she asked me, "Where?!"...lol.  Anyway, I decided against that plan.  I was also going to try to get involved with a youth group of some sort.  Then I realized that I am only in my second year of teaching, I am still working on getting my credential, and (exciting news) I am going to be working on my MASTER'S in Special Education!! Whoop.  So basically, my calendar will be full with lesson planning and homework until the end of next school year.  At which point I think I will have time and energy for youth group involvement.  I might start a scrapbooking club at school for some of the kids.  I might also start doing after school homework help for some of the students.  These things are just maybe.  If they happen, they do.  If they don't work out, then it is what it is. 

I am still trying to figure out where God wants me to be.  So far, I hear Him telling me to just enjoy where I am.  To stop worrying about what's coming next or where I am going to be in a few years.  Just enjoy now.  Today.   So, I let the days unfold as they are.  Just trying to make the most of what I have and enjoying the things I am blessed with.  

Just for the sake of the new year, and in recognizing the value reflecting, here are some things I learned in 2011:
  • As long as you're laughing, nothing else matters
  • Sometimes people leave for no reason at all
  • Things that are meant to be, will be.
  • Teaching is wonderful
  • Children are the greatest gift the world has
  • Not everyone's intentions are clear to themselves or to you
  • Secrets don't really exist, if you don't want anyone to know, don't say anything
  • It only takes one person to change your outlook on life
  • All people really want is to feel loved and appreciated
  • Wants and desires change
  • There is a family you are born into, and another kind of family, one that is created by another kind of love
  • It doesn't always make sense right now, and it may never make sense
  • Sometimes (actually, most times) it is better to just let go of control
  • Las Vegas is really fun
  • Miles/distance don't change anything when you really love and care about a person
  • From the words of the year, "Sometimes it lasts in love, and sometimes it hurts instead" -Adele
  • I have wonderful wonderful wonderful people in my life.  I try to tell them as much as possible, but I don't think they will ever understand how much they mean to me.
It was a really tough year last year.  Probably, the hardest one I have had to survive through.  There was one that was just as hard, maybe even a tie.  I learned a lot about myself, about life, about happiness, about blessings and about trust. 

In the end, it was a year of learning.  Hard, yet poignant lessons.   I go forward with a greater knowledge base and a firmer foundation.  

2012 is going to be a good one.  I can just feel it in my bones.