Monday, February 24, 2014

So...I failed...Kinda

I was supposed to discover one new thing a week.  I lost track after the third week, missed the fourth, tried to get back on track the fifth and then totally fell off the discover bandwagon.  So, I haven't discovered or tried something new every week this year.  Sad, I know...but I haven't given up hope yet.  We're only at the end of February, and my eyes are still open to discovering more throughout the year.

Here's my list, thus far

2014 things I have DISCOVERED are:
  • a restaurant with breathtaking views (see photo below)
  • a conference (all by myself... new hotel, new people, new workshops)
  • a place to walk/run (a park by my house)
  • another place to walk (I am so thankful to live in the Bay Area, because it never will end)
  • a hiking trail
  • yellow peppers (I know this one seems miniscule and ridiculous but I cooked with it people, that's like extra good!)
  • I can run a mile in under 11 min 30 seconds (which has never been done in my whole life)
  • Chicken & Waffles (delicious, I highly recommend)
  • cider (Magners Irish Cider)
  • my uncle's nationally renowned bread pudding in Colorado (no's in magazines)
In the midst of me trying to discover more, I have just tried being happier more often.  There are so many amazing and wonderful people and experiences around me that I love and appreciate every single day.  I try to take that into account more.  I have the most amazing life, I really do.  I have people, and gifts that people could only dream of.  I have a job in which I am happy 100% of the time, and that is no exaggeration.  Whether I am tired or overworked or sick of it, my core being and authentic self is happy 100% because I am being true to who and what I believe in.  I am using my gifts and every single day I get to have fun and appreciate the growth of life right before my eyes.  I am allowed to love other people all day long.  The gift of giving love never ends, and I do my best to bring joy to the never ending wonder through the eyes of the young.  My friends make me laugh and smile throughout the day with their silly nothingnesses.  I also work with all of my friends, so I get to go have lunch every day with my best friends.  It's awesome. 

So, while I try to discover more about what there is that I have yet to discover, I am starting to really discover all the things I already have.  My zest for discovering hasn't faded.  I am trying to get out more, planning on going more places and saying yes more often than no.  Yet, when I discover new things it helps me add to the life I already know I have that is great and amazing. 

I won't lie, sometimes I get sad.  Sometimes I get down on myself, and sometimes I get confused and lost in all of this change that's going on in my life.  It's not easy every day, and there are times and moments when I want to throw my hands up and say forget all this.  But, I hold onto the hope that in my discovering I will finally discover the believe inside myself that life is a continuous voyage, not an ending point. 

Saturday, January 4, 2014

One Little Word : Expanded

I decided to do this little project this year (2014) called One Little Word (inspired by Ali Edwards).  Essentially, you pick one little word that you want to focus your year on.  I chose a word that I believed is truly at the essence of what I need in this new year.  discover
Not only to do I hope to discover new things, but I hope to discover myself in the midst of being confused.  I hope to discover what happiness is when things are not always as planned.  I hope to discover what it is that I can do better, different, stronger and braver this year.  I want to discover new places, new people, new mentalities, new abilities, new strengths, new inner passions, new drive and an unapologetic zest for all things new. 
What this word means:
  • find (something or someone) unexpectedly or in the course of a search.
  • become aware of (a fact or situation).
  • be the first to find or observe (a place, substance, or scientific phenomenon).
  • find
  • locate
  • come across/upon
  • stumble on
  • light on
  • bring to light
  • uncover
  • unearth
  • turn up
  • find out
  • learn
  • realize
  • recognize
  • fathom
  • see
  • ascertain
  • work out
  • dig up/out
  • root out
So what does my "One Little Word" look like to me? 
1.  I will discover at least one new thing a week.  I decided to incorporate trying new things in my manifestation of my one little word because I tend to stay inside my comfort zone, and I like it there.  I always order the same thing, always go to the same coffee shop, and am incredibly afraid of all things new.  You know, mini panic attacks, mind spiraling out of control imagining all that can go wrong...  Most of the time if I do something new I make myself miserable instead of being open to the possibilities.  I just like what I like. So, in order to discover, I need to get out of my comfort zone.  Therefore, at least one new thing a week.  I will find something new I can do or try, big or small each single week. 
This week, I already discovered 3 new things so I am feeling extra accomplished.  I went to a new restaurant with friends, instead of an old favorite.  I went on a run in a place I have never been to, and I tried new make up. Here's a photo from the restaurant.  Totally worth discovering. 
2.  I will discover what happens when I say yes more.  By saying yes to things I might feel like saying no to I will in fact discover that life happens more when you say yes.  I mean, this one is much like the first one, but it also means that in order to go and try new things, I have to say yes to them happening.   
3.  I will discover what I want.  Now this one...well, this one is going to be tricky!  From what I have learned from life thus far, discovering what I want will be an ever evolving thing.  However, there have been some very poignant questions in my mind lately that I do not have answers for yet.  It is my goal, in some way, to discover the answers to these questions to the best of my ability. 
I think those three pretty much sum it up.  I was going to be over zealous and make a lit of 50 things I wanted to discover this year or plan a big adventure as part of my "discover mindset," but sometimes simple is better.  I looked earlier this morning to sign up for a writing class or a writing group and then I remembered my life is already pretty busy and maybe amidst all my saying yes and trying new things I will stumble upon a group of people or a new friend that will be an inspiration.  Or I can discover a time during the week to write when it fits, instead of forcing it.  I think having the mindset that it is my goal to discover will be enough drive me forward this year. 
I'm excited to see what happens to life when I seek to discover

Saturday, December 28, 2013

And We're Back...

And by "we're" I mean that "I" am back.  Also, being back is indicative that I recently went through a break up and the most efficient way I know how to deal with it is to write about it and date A LOT.  I guess the break up wasn't that recent, it was 4 months ago.  Some days it feels like forever, and some days it feels like yesterday.  Regardless, somehow I am still struggling to find my way amidst the mess of it all, the shitty people available at my age to date and the empty bed I sleep in every night (okay, maybe not every night, but most nights). 

Here's the thing, I spent two and a half years with a boy so wrong for me and so dysfunctional in so many ways that when I finally got out of the chaos I realized I had no solid groundwork to stand on.  This guy was a simply a space filer, a warm body and someone to spend Sunday afternoons with.  He did not offer emotional, financial or physical support.  He was in no way available or open to love.  He was condescending, uneducated and rude.  He was sheltered, oblivious and unaware of the great big world out there.  At 26 he still lived at home, never went to college and spent most of his free time smoking pot and/or cigarettes and playing video games.  If he wasn't playing video games he was watching sports or going to the movies. Needless to say his mental depth was shallow.  His vocabulary was minimal.  And his life was a small bubble.

I'm not going to lie, as every girl does in the freshness of a break up and the loneliness of not finding someone to fill the space yet, I think of him often.  I wonder endlessly if it was really him that ruined "us" or if it was me.  I wonder if I would have been able to make it work.  I wonder how it would be if we were still together.  I wonder if I am happier without him.  I miss the sex, often.  I miss his foot touching mine in the bed at night.  When I start to get nostalgic or all sentimental I try to force myself to remember all the crappy parts of him.   I know this probably makes me a terrible human being but the truth of the matter is that he is not a good man.  I know and have known good men. Men who are kind and generous and thoughtful and caring and inquisitive and tender.  I have known many a man who may not cry on the outside but who truly feels deep within the depths of his soul.  This boy I dated was in fact none of those things. I could write an endless blog about his wrongdoings.  You would be appalled, trust me.  I will spare you those details.  All that needs to be said is that no matter how much I might miss him, I don't miss him enough to endure the pain of our relationship again.  In fact, at this very moment he thinks I'm dating a successful man who treats me to dates in the city and is honest and communicative.  Unbeknown to my ex, that guy and I broke up weeks ago.  It's okay to let him think I'm happily moving on.

The moving on to someone new is harder than I realized because of the mental ninja fucking my ex did to my mind.  I didn't know how deep he had planted his seeds until I was fully out of the relationship.  Have you ever been through that?  You think you are going to be so happy without this certain guy, and then you get out of it and you start to remember all of that horrible bullshit he used to say to you.  Then you start to believe all of that horrible bullshit he used to say to you.  Then you start to think the relationship didn't work because in fact your ex was right, you really are all messed up.  Then you start to believe that you can't get un-messed-up because your too messed up to ever go back and now you dated a shit head and you figure “well the only guys that are going to be willing to put up with my messed-up-ness are shit heads…so I guess I better settle for a shit head.”  Then you think it’s okay to call your ex because you think it might work out this time.  Then you can live happily ever after.

I have to yell at myself when I get into that crazy thinking.  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!  (Not what is wrong with you based on what your ex thought…but what the hell is wrong with you for believing it).  By this point I am just so mad at my ex that I decide I am going to go on like 5 dates in one week just to spite him.  I will make sure all the dates are more successful, smarter and more put together than my ex.  And if he were to see me out on these dates I imagine that my ex would get crazy jealous.  Then I realize I’m crazy, and he was right.  Then I do something to stop thinking about it, like watch my DVR shows or go to the gym (usually the first one), or I go have a drink or two with some friends to remind myself that I, in fact, have my life together.  I have a successful career, a master’s degree and I am in the process of buying a property (if I feel like it).  I have hobbies, interests and a lot of really great dreams I hope to one day accomplish.  Then I tell myself that my ex is in fact a lazy pot head with no ambition and maybe he will be happier than me in the long run but then I think “ignorance is bliss.”  If his happiness comes from lack of knowledge then I’d rather be smart, aware, and open to the ideas of the world than be dumb and happy.  

Then I go on these dates that I set up, and they all suck.  And by suck I mean that one guy told me “you’re not as skinny as your pictures make you look.”  Another one plays with his belly fat at the dinner table.  And yet another stare at my tits the entire meal.  Then the whole cycle starts over because I realize there are slim pickings these days and it’s worthless for me to try to spend my time out there in the dating world because I will never meet the man I want.  So then I go to Starbucks (where I am now) hoping that my prince charming walks in and sweeps me off my feet and I can stop writing about my shitty dates and my shitty exs. 

Monday, April 16, 2012

Lust. Desire.

It's quite simple really.  I want something that I can't have.  I mean the desire and the quest for it and the thought of it keeps me up at night.  I can taste the rawness of it in the back of my throat and the quench for the it can only be satisfied by it. I think about it every single interval of moment when my brain is at ease, it fills me to the brim.  It flows through my blood and in my brain and in every ounce of my being, calling out his name. 

I close my eyes and I feel his hands and see his eyes and his charming sweet lips.  I can't associate a smell with him, but I can associate the thundering pulse inside my chest. I am in his presence and my steps are out of sync, and I stumble.  When he speaks I stare at his hand gestures, I observe his every move.  How he stands.  How his feet move back and forth.  I listen to the intonations in his voice.  I watch him sit and I close my eyes and imagine the spaces between his fingers laced with mine.

I haven't felt like this since I was a 17 years-old.  Crazy teenage hormoes aflair.  Now, they are ever present again, and I can barely manage to speak without stuttering.  I don't know if the uneasyness of it all is due to the fact that I can't have it, or if there's some undiscovered part of a relationship I am meant to have with him. The unanswered questions, the undone, the unsaid. The unasked, the untouched, the unfelt.  I want all of the unknowns with him. But I am quickly snapped backed to reality before I can allow my thought processes to venture down an unexplorable path.

The feelings overwhelming and overbearing and intense.  Crazy.  Consuming.  The whole idea of it.  I may never see him again. I may never know.  I may not have the right to know.  In some ways, I can't imagine my world without him in it.   But...I can't have him and each and every day my body cries out.  This passion and lust and desire are consuming me from the inside out. 

Where words lack, I hope that these songs can fill in the gaps:
Citizen Cope
Alex Clare
ZZ Ward
Bon Iver

Monday, March 26, 2012

What I Wanted (Or So I Thought)

Recently I was at a point where I was thinking if only I had THAT I would have everything I ever wanted.  It's like these thoughts crowd and infest my mind and rob me of my joy.  They make me feel and believe that I don't have everything I need to be happy and joyful.  But that's a lie.

There are a few things, mostly one, that I thought if I could just get my hands around it and hold onto it forever that my life would be complete and I would be so happy.  I believed that this thing was the missing piece to the puzzle of my life.  That if I had this thing, mostly this person, that my life would be totally and completely  fulfilled.  I really and truly believed in my heart and in my mind that THIS person was the ONLY person for me and that I couldn't be happy without them.  I felt like a piece of me was missing by not having them in my life.

I was running around trying to fill my life with little pieces of others that I thought could satisfy and fulfill me up.  What I have come to realize is that I have compromised myself, my joy, my happiness, my love for life, my happy soul to satisfy a minimal part of my life. 

I have exactly what I need. I actually have exactly what I need in abundance.  I have been given so many wonderful friends and people and an amazing job.  I have a family I love and that I am close to and opportunities to do things many people just dream of doing.  I have been given a faith in a God that is loving and compassionate and continues to show me that love and grace over and over again no matter how many times I mess up.  I have been given the chance to love, and hurt, and grow and learn and be and change and manifest into the person I was destined to be.  There's nothing short of a miracle in all of that.  I have always had what I needed and more and I have been looking past that and searching for something that I am not meant to have right now. 

Ultimately, I have realized that by selling myself short and settling for scraps and pieces of people, rather than a truly fulfilling relationship that I have lost a part of my soul in the midst of my wanderings.  When I really stop and think about all  I have given up for temporary fulfillment I realize that I have taken all my wonderful gifts and talents and blessings and essentially acted like I am worthless and have no value.  When that is no where near the truth. 

I am worthy of a loving, long standing, faithful, honest, real and open relationship.  I am worth love and kindness and caring.  I am worth a person who looks me in the eyes and can commit to loving me and being with me even when it's hard and when it's not easy and when bad stuff happens and when good stuff happens.

What I have done to get to this point is shameful to me, and I bow my head and weep at the terrible path I have chosen.  But every long and winding road leads back home.  I have been on this road for far too long.  Believing in lies other tell me for the moment, setting my heart on things not of this earth, hurting other people, taking my life for granted. 

I feel like this is a reoccuring and long standing lesson of humulity I have been on a journey to really discover. I hope that this time it really sticks. Sometimes it takes something terrible for the truth to really sink in, and something terrible has happened and has caused a road block in my mind and life forced me to get to a point where I know that I am not where I should be. Or, I guess, more so that I am where I should be but that I am not doing what I should be doing.

I recently saw a quote that said "Just so you know, there are certain people who were put here to break you. So you could learn how to pull yourself back together again." I am at that point and I am ready to put it back together so that when someone comes along who is meant to value me, then I will be ready and whole. Not broken and missing pieces.

Now I know that tomorrow be kind as long as I choose to do the right thing, to listen to my faith and trust in my God, and to know that as long as I am doing the right thing that all will work itself out.

 It is when I do the wrong thing that things get confusing and I get lost in the wanderlust of it all.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

It's Just a Tuesday

I don't get all the hype, I mean, come on people it's just a random Tuesday in February.  It's like a random Tuesday in October or July.  Except Tuesdays in July are waaaaayy better.  At least in July you can wear super cute skirts, and ruffly summer tops and drink Slurpees from 7-11 and lay out in the sun and smell tanning oil and have fresh cool crisp salad.  A Tuesday in July sounds a heck of a lot better than one in February if you ask me.  So, I don't understand why everyone is getting all bent out of shape over one dumb day.  I mean I wore the pink and the red, and I passed out candy to my students, and I happily accepted chocolate and balloons and we even made Valentine's day cards in my class.  But did it really mean anything to me?... In all honesty, it didn't.  It's just a freaking day.

Really, what's been meaning more to me lately is  not the date on the calendar, or the holiday scheduled.  What really matters to me lately is what has been stirring up inside of me.  The feelings that have been stirring around in my mind, and informing the conversations I have been having with friends.  Conversations about what to do next, what to stop doing now, what behaviors need to be modified.  I have been talking a great deal about who I am, who I want to be and what I hope for, with people who mean the world to me.  Friends who are honest and open and real with me about what I am doing and how it's affecting me. 

Sometimes, I get so caught up in it all that I forget how much my choices really do affect my day to day living.  I think they don't really have any say in how I react to people or how I respond.  But, when I really start to think about how I feel on the inside, I realize that often times it comes out in how I handle myself and the attitudes I put out into the world. 

For example, when someone in particular doesn't call or text me back, although I thought they might like me...I start to feel un-good or un-worthy.  Then, because I am feeling that way I start to feel sad on the inside and I lose sleep.  When I lose sleep I am more irritable at work, and then I have less patience for the students in my classroom and their needs.  When I am not as patient and loving towards my students as I would like to be, I end up going home and feeling bad that I wasn't the best teacher that I could be for them.  I start to feel like I am not fully living into my calling because I know I was called to be a teacher, and here I am not being a good one, and what's the point of being one at all if I can't be a good one.  Then I start to think maybe I shouldn't even be a teacher and I should just give up on the whole thing, and then I start to feel un-good.  And then I will call or text that person to make me feel better, and they won't respond and I will continue to feel un-good and un-loved, and the cycle goes on and on and on and on.

I try to not let myself get into ruts (although lately I have failed miserably, and have gotten myself into several ruts).  Mostly one in particular which has been a life-long struggle for me.  A struggle and a rut and a habit of poor choice making around boys that has led me to feel God's presence, but also feel like a terrible sinner, and at times chose to completely ignore what I believe in, because I simply know no other way of coping and/or dealing with the bad feelings.  

I am trying to be better about who I allow into my life, so I swore of certain people who I do not feel serve my purpose or my life and whom which I think actual infect my life.  I actually even deleted their numbers so as not to be tempted to reach out to them.  But, there are still a few I can't seem to relinquish from my mind.  They inhabit it consistently.  Most of the time they inhabit my mind, I am fairly certain, that these people have, in no way, ever felt or thought about me what I am thinking about them.  Typically, I am thinking quite highly of them or I will smile at the thought of their face or the taste of their lips.  I will even laugh out loud, from the depths of my belly at something funny that happened with them.  Then, almost as quickly as I am filled with happiness because of the fondness of a memory, I am jolted back to the realization that they don't call me back and they don't text me back.  I think of them with fondness and adoration, and they don't think of me at all.  It's quite pathetic really.  To realize that someone who you care for, someone who means something to you and someone whom which you value and genuinely like, doesn't even have enough respect for you to type two words into their phone.  Nope, not even two, heck not even one. 

This is why today is just a Tuesday.  Because, when I find the love that I know God has in store for me, and I can finally make wise and smart choices about men and boys and I am in a good place with respect for myself and who I am and what I have to offer, I knooooww, and I mean I really know that today, February 14th, will be just another day of the year.  Because, when it's real and true and honest and whole-hearted love I will feel it every single day.  I will make sure they feel it too, and I will buy them chocolate on a Thursday in October for no reason, and I will cook their favorite meal and eat at their favorite restaurant (even if I hate it) in March, and I will go buy them a Slurpee on a Wednesday in August.  I will kiss them goodnight every night that I possibly can.  And I will tell them that I love them on sticky notes, and with flowers, and with cards with hearts on them, and with gifts as often as I possibly can.  There will be no need for a holiday for the person I love to know that I love them.  They will already know it.  He will know it in the depths of his soul, and with all his heart, and in every ounce of his being that he is deeply, truly and wholly loved. 

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

To Whom It May Concern

"Why are you so far from me?
In my arms is where you are to be
How long will you make me wait?
I don't know how much more I can take
I missed you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do
Slowly counting down the days
Till I finally know your name
The way your hand feels round my waist
The way you laugh, the way your kisses taste
I missed you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to...

Dear whoever you might be
I'm still waiting patiently."

I'm kind of getting tired of waiting.  I mean, how long do I really have to wait?  Where are you?  Have I met you yet?  Did I miss my chance?  Is there something wrong with me?  What am I waiting for?  What are you waiting for?

I feel stuck.  Just frozen in time.  Like there is no moving forward.  No matter what I do I seem to end up being in the same place. 

Is it so bad that I want to find him?

How Long Will You Make Me Wait?