Monday, April 16, 2012

Lust. Desire.

It's quite simple really.  I want something that I can't have.  I mean the desire and the quest for it and the thought of it keeps me up at night.  I can taste the rawness of it in the back of my throat and the quench for the it can only be satisfied by it. I think about it every single interval of moment when my brain is at ease, it fills me to the brim.  It flows through my blood and in my brain and in every ounce of my being, calling out his name. 

I close my eyes and I feel his hands and see his eyes and his charming sweet lips.  I can't associate a smell with him, but I can associate the thundering pulse inside my chest. I am in his presence and my steps are out of sync, and I stumble.  When he speaks I stare at his hand gestures, I observe his every move.  How he stands.  How his feet move back and forth.  I listen to the intonations in his voice.  I watch him sit and I close my eyes and imagine the spaces between his fingers laced with mine.

I haven't felt like this since I was a 17 years-old.  Crazy teenage hormoes aflair.  Now, they are ever present again, and I can barely manage to speak without stuttering.  I don't know if the uneasyness of it all is due to the fact that I can't have it, or if there's some undiscovered part of a relationship I am meant to have with him. The unanswered questions, the undone, the unsaid. The unasked, the untouched, the unfelt.  I want all of the unknowns with him. But I am quickly snapped backed to reality before I can allow my thought processes to venture down an unexplorable path.

The feelings overwhelming and overbearing and intense.  Crazy.  Consuming.  The whole idea of it.  I may never see him again. I may never know.  I may not have the right to know.  In some ways, I can't imagine my world without him in it.   But...I can't have him and each and every day my body cries out.  This passion and lust and desire are consuming me from the inside out. 

Where words lack, I hope that these songs can fill in the gaps:
Citizen Cope
Alex Clare
ZZ Ward
Bon Iver

Monday, March 26, 2012

What I Wanted (Or So I Thought)

Recently I was at a point where I was thinking if only I had THAT I would have everything I ever wanted.  It's like these thoughts crowd and infest my mind and rob me of my joy.  They make me feel and believe that I don't have everything I need to be happy and joyful.  But that's a lie.

There are a few things, mostly one, that I thought if I could just get my hands around it and hold onto it forever that my life would be complete and I would be so happy.  I believed that this thing was the missing piece to the puzzle of my life.  That if I had this thing, mostly this person, that my life would be totally and completely  fulfilled.  I really and truly believed in my heart and in my mind that THIS person was the ONLY person for me and that I couldn't be happy without them.  I felt like a piece of me was missing by not having them in my life.

I was running around trying to fill my life with little pieces of others that I thought could satisfy and fulfill me up.  What I have come to realize is that I have compromised myself, my joy, my happiness, my love for life, my happy soul to satisfy a minimal part of my life. 

I have exactly what I need. I actually have exactly what I need in abundance.  I have been given so many wonderful friends and people and an amazing job.  I have a family I love and that I am close to and opportunities to do things many people just dream of doing.  I have been given a faith in a God that is loving and compassionate and continues to show me that love and grace over and over again no matter how many times I mess up.  I have been given the chance to love, and hurt, and grow and learn and be and change and manifest into the person I was destined to be.  There's nothing short of a miracle in all of that.  I have always had what I needed and more and I have been looking past that and searching for something that I am not meant to have right now. 

Ultimately, I have realized that by selling myself short and settling for scraps and pieces of people, rather than a truly fulfilling relationship that I have lost a part of my soul in the midst of my wanderings.  When I really stop and think about all  I have given up for temporary fulfillment I realize that I have taken all my wonderful gifts and talents and blessings and essentially acted like I am worthless and have no value.  When that is no where near the truth. 

I am worthy of a loving, long standing, faithful, honest, real and open relationship.  I am worth love and kindness and caring.  I am worth a person who looks me in the eyes and can commit to loving me and being with me even when it's hard and when it's not easy and when bad stuff happens and when good stuff happens.

What I have done to get to this point is shameful to me, and I bow my head and weep at the terrible path I have chosen.  But every long and winding road leads back home.  I have been on this road for far too long.  Believing in lies other tell me for the moment, setting my heart on things not of this earth, hurting other people, taking my life for granted. 

I feel like this is a reoccuring and long standing lesson of humulity I have been on a journey to really discover. I hope that this time it really sticks. Sometimes it takes something terrible for the truth to really sink in, and something terrible has happened and has caused a road block in my mind and life forced me to get to a point where I know that I am not where I should be. Or, I guess, more so that I am where I should be but that I am not doing what I should be doing.

I recently saw a quote that said "Just so you know, there are certain people who were put here to break you. So you could learn how to pull yourself back together again." I am at that point and I am ready to put it back together so that when someone comes along who is meant to value me, then I will be ready and whole. Not broken and missing pieces.

Now I know that tomorrow be kind as long as I choose to do the right thing, to listen to my faith and trust in my God, and to know that as long as I am doing the right thing that all will work itself out.

 It is when I do the wrong thing that things get confusing and I get lost in the wanderlust of it all.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

It's Just a Tuesday

I don't get all the hype, I mean, come on people it's just a random Tuesday in February.  It's like a random Tuesday in October or July.  Except Tuesdays in July are waaaaayy better.  At least in July you can wear super cute skirts, and ruffly summer tops and drink Slurpees from 7-11 and lay out in the sun and smell tanning oil and have fresh cool crisp salad.  A Tuesday in July sounds a heck of a lot better than one in February if you ask me.  So, I don't understand why everyone is getting all bent out of shape over one dumb day.  I mean I wore the pink and the red, and I passed out candy to my students, and I happily accepted chocolate and balloons and we even made Valentine's day cards in my class.  But did it really mean anything to me?... In all honesty, it didn't.  It's just a freaking day.

Really, what's been meaning more to me lately is  not the date on the calendar, or the holiday scheduled.  What really matters to me lately is what has been stirring up inside of me.  The feelings that have been stirring around in my mind, and informing the conversations I have been having with friends.  Conversations about what to do next, what to stop doing now, what behaviors need to be modified.  I have been talking a great deal about who I am, who I want to be and what I hope for, with people who mean the world to me.  Friends who are honest and open and real with me about what I am doing and how it's affecting me. 

Sometimes, I get so caught up in it all that I forget how much my choices really do affect my day to day living.  I think they don't really have any say in how I react to people or how I respond.  But, when I really start to think about how I feel on the inside, I realize that often times it comes out in how I handle myself and the attitudes I put out into the world. 

For example, when someone in particular doesn't call or text me back, although I thought they might like me...I start to feel un-good or un-worthy.  Then, because I am feeling that way I start to feel sad on the inside and I lose sleep.  When I lose sleep I am more irritable at work, and then I have less patience for the students in my classroom and their needs.  When I am not as patient and loving towards my students as I would like to be, I end up going home and feeling bad that I wasn't the best teacher that I could be for them.  I start to feel like I am not fully living into my calling because I know I was called to be a teacher, and here I am not being a good one, and what's the point of being one at all if I can't be a good one.  Then I start to think maybe I shouldn't even be a teacher and I should just give up on the whole thing, and then I start to feel un-good.  And then I will call or text that person to make me feel better, and they won't respond and I will continue to feel un-good and un-loved, and the cycle goes on and on and on and on.

I try to not let myself get into ruts (although lately I have failed miserably, and have gotten myself into several ruts).  Mostly one in particular which has been a life-long struggle for me.  A struggle and a rut and a habit of poor choice making around boys that has led me to feel God's presence, but also feel like a terrible sinner, and at times chose to completely ignore what I believe in, because I simply know no other way of coping and/or dealing with the bad feelings.  

I am trying to be better about who I allow into my life, so I swore of certain people who I do not feel serve my purpose or my life and whom which I think actual infect my life.  I actually even deleted their numbers so as not to be tempted to reach out to them.  But, there are still a few I can't seem to relinquish from my mind.  They inhabit it consistently.  Most of the time they inhabit my mind, I am fairly certain, that these people have, in no way, ever felt or thought about me what I am thinking about them.  Typically, I am thinking quite highly of them or I will smile at the thought of their face or the taste of their lips.  I will even laugh out loud, from the depths of my belly at something funny that happened with them.  Then, almost as quickly as I am filled with happiness because of the fondness of a memory, I am jolted back to the realization that they don't call me back and they don't text me back.  I think of them with fondness and adoration, and they don't think of me at all.  It's quite pathetic really.  To realize that someone who you care for, someone who means something to you and someone whom which you value and genuinely like, doesn't even have enough respect for you to type two words into their phone.  Nope, not even two, heck not even one. 

This is why today is just a Tuesday.  Because, when I find the love that I know God has in store for me, and I can finally make wise and smart choices about men and boys and I am in a good place with respect for myself and who I am and what I have to offer, I knooooww, and I mean I really know that today, February 14th, will be just another day of the year.  Because, when it's real and true and honest and whole-hearted love I will feel it every single day.  I will make sure they feel it too, and I will buy them chocolate on a Thursday in October for no reason, and I will cook their favorite meal and eat at their favorite restaurant (even if I hate it) in March, and I will go buy them a Slurpee on a Wednesday in August.  I will kiss them goodnight every night that I possibly can.  And I will tell them that I love them on sticky notes, and with flowers, and with cards with hearts on them, and with gifts as often as I possibly can.  There will be no need for a holiday for the person I love to know that I love them.  They will already know it.  He will know it in the depths of his soul, and with all his heart, and in every ounce of his being that he is deeply, truly and wholly loved. 

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

To Whom It May Concern

"Why are you so far from me?
In my arms is where you are to be
How long will you make me wait?
I don't know how much more I can take
I missed you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do
Slowly counting down the days
Till I finally know your name
The way your hand feels round my waist
The way you laugh, the way your kisses taste
I missed you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to...

Dear whoever you might be
I'm still waiting patiently."

I'm kind of getting tired of waiting.  I mean, how long do I really have to wait?  Where are you?  Have I met you yet?  Did I miss my chance?  Is there something wrong with me?  What am I waiting for?  What are you waiting for?

I feel stuck.  Just frozen in time.  Like there is no moving forward.  No matter what I do I seem to end up being in the same place. 

Is it so bad that I want to find him?

How Long Will You Make Me Wait?

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Other People's Thoughts

"There is something in every one of you that waits and listens
for the sound of the genuine in yourself.
It is the only true guide you will ever have. 
And if you cannot hear it, 
you will all of your life spend your days 
on the ends of strings that somebody else pulls." -Howard Thurman 

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; 
courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen." -Winston Churchill

"The keenest sorrow is to recognize 
ourselves as the sole cause of all our adversities." -Sophocles

"Pursue some path, however narrow and crooked, 
in which you can walk with love and reverence." -Henry David Thoreau 

"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun." -Christopher Mccandless

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Walking in the Sun

Obsessed with this song:

Fink --"Walking in the Sun"

Things have been going wrong
Long enough to know everything is right
Been walking in the dark, long enough to know
I finally see the light

I've been losing long enough to know
When I finally won
And even a blind man can tell
When he's walking in the sun

Cried enough tears to know
This feeling called a smile
And I've been bought around long enough to know
When I do it in style

I've been running long enough to know
There's no more need a run
And even a blind man can tell
When he's walking in the sun

Well, the wind is at my back and I'm
Sailing on a ship that's overdue
Well, I've blown so many chances that I
Ain't gonna blow this chance with you

And I've seen enough bad times to know
Good times are gone, yeah
Even a blind man can tell
When he's walking in the sun
Walking in the sun

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Short Sentences

I recently heard a song by The Civil Wars called "Tip of my Tongue."  It make me think of all the things on the tip of my own tongue that I am dying to say.  So, here they are (all the things I wish I could say but I cannot).

These are the words stuffed inside of me:
  • It was so good to see you.  I've missed you so much.  I can't wait until I get to see you again.  You will always have the most precious place in my heart and I will forever care deeply for you in ways I cannot comprehend.  Be good to yourself and know that you are always unconditionally loved.
  • I miss you, so much.
  • How long am I going to have to wait?
  • What's wrong with me?
  • Are you thinking of me too?
  • I wish someone would say to me: what do you need right now?
  • Why does my heart long and ache after things it cannot have...
  • You are so cute, and I, in unknown ways, adore  your idiosyncrasies and wish you found me half as interesting as I find you to be.
  • How can I be crying when I have so much?
  • You were wrong.
  • I can't see you anymore.
  • I miss your friendship, but know we can never have it back, and it's sad.  You were a great friend to have and wonderful guiding light when I needed it the most.  At the end of the day, you are selfish and I know we can never be friends again because of it.
  • I miss you, so much.
    i miss you, so much.
    i miss much.
  • There's this song I listen to, just because it's the only thing that make me feel like someone else understands.  It's called "Someone I Used to Know."  It says something like
    "Now and then I think of when we were together
    Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
    Told myself that you were right for me
    But felt so lonely in your company
    But that was love and it's an ache I still remember..."

In reality, most days and times and moments I am happy and loved and feel extremely blessed, and really honestly couldn't ask for more.  I just wonder if I ruined the best thing I ever could have had in a relationship. I wonder if I will ever get that feeling back and if I will ever be in the kind of relationship I was in before.  I wonder if there is someone else like that out there for me.  I wonder if I would have even been happy in it, or if I am fantasizing about how great it was.  Then I think about the fact that he has a girlfriend, and I think that I am stupid for letting myself even think about him.  And, then sometimes I wonder if he will read this blog and see what I write and wonder if it is about him.  Some of it is, and some of it is about other people or other things or other situations.  But right now, it's about him.  The him I can't have because he is elsewhere, literally and figuratively.  It really has been hurting me lately to think that he is out there living his life and loving his girlfriend and moving on with his life, while I am here wondering if I am ever going to be fulfilled.  Sometimes I wonder if he longs for me or misses me the ways that I miss and adore and love him.  Then I remember that he doesn't want to be with me, and I realize that he can't feel the way I do, and he even told me he doesn't love me like I love him, mostly because (as he said) he is incapable of feeling about anyone the way I feel about anything because he just doesn't have the breadth of emotions that I do.  Regardless, he can't feel even nearly what I feel about him, because there would be no other way for him to continue to fake being happy with the wrong person, if I was in fact the right one.

I'm trying to move on.  Really I am.  I am doing everything I know how to do to move on.  But my soul is calling out his name.  Saying "wait"  just "wait" he will come back.  My whole being is telling me that I need to wait for him, and things will be better again someday.  My whole soul is telling me, from some unknown place that he is the one and that it is meant to be.  The story is to great, and the destiny has been written in the stars for far too long for it not to mean something more than just this.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Unbelieveably Precious

I will keep this short.  I will keep this simple.  It's the only way it can be.

My heart is happy.  Deep in its core.  

It is well with my soul.  Thank You, God.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Hello, Fresh Start

Today is 1.2.2012.  I have lots of goals for this year and lots of things I want to get accomplished.  Therefore this blog post won't be that long because I must get started.  Yesterday, I was in bed sick all day so I am already a day behind (go figure). 

First and foremost, this year I am vowing to spend more time crafting.  I joined Pinterest (bad idea, super addicting!).   There are lots of projects I want to make on there that I have found thus far, so I am going to get started on those.  I just have to decide which I want to do first.  It also gives me a great place to find cute layouts for scrapbooking.  You can follow me if you want (  

Secondly, I am going to be healthy.  Eat better.  Live better. I am not really on a diet or anything special.  Just cutting out the crap.  Working out.  Planning walks.  Planning meals.  Shopping for fresh.  I mean, I live in California.  How can I not eat the fresh fruits and veggies here?  We have year round farmer's markets.  Plus, the weather is so nice that people were sitting outside at Starbucks today.  I have to enjoy that, right?!  

Thirdly, well basically that's it.  Those are the two things I am really fully committed to.  I told my friend a few weeks back that I was going to go celibate for the new year.  She thought I said "celebrate" and she asked me, "Where?!"  Anyway, I decided against that plan.  I was also going to try to get involved with a youth group of some sort.  Then I realized that I am only in my second year of teaching, I am still working on getting my credential, and (exciting news) I am going to be working on my MASTER'S in Special Education!! Whoop.  So basically, my calendar will be full with lesson planning and homework until the end of next school year.  At which point I think I will have time and energy for youth group involvement.  I might start a scrapbooking club at school for some of the kids.  I might also start doing after school homework help for some of the students.  These things are just maybe.  If they happen, they do.  If they don't work out, then it is what it is. 

I am still trying to figure out where God wants me to be.  So far, I hear Him telling me to just enjoy where I am.  To stop worrying about what's coming next or where I am going to be in a few years.  Just enjoy now.  Today.   So, I let the days unfold as they are.  Just trying to make the most of what I have and enjoying the things I am blessed with.  

Just for the sake of the new year, and in recognizing the value reflecting, here are some things I learned in 2011:
  • As long as you're laughing, nothing else matters
  • Sometimes people leave for no reason at all
  • Things that are meant to be, will be.
  • Teaching is wonderful
  • Children are the greatest gift the world has
  • Not everyone's intentions are clear to themselves or to you
  • Secrets don't really exist, if you don't want anyone to know, don't say anything
  • It only takes one person to change your outlook on life
  • All people really want is to feel loved and appreciated
  • Wants and desires change
  • There is a family you are born into, and another kind of family, one that is created by another kind of love
  • It doesn't always make sense right now, and it may never make sense
  • Sometimes (actually, most times) it is better to just let go of control
  • Las Vegas is really fun
  • Miles/distance don't change anything when you really love and care about a person
  • From the words of the year, "Sometimes it lasts in love, and sometimes it hurts instead" -Adele
  • I have wonderful wonderful wonderful people in my life.  I try to tell them as much as possible, but I don't think they will ever understand how much they mean to me.
It was a really tough year last year.  Probably, the hardest one I have had to survive through.  There was one that was just as hard, maybe even a tie.  I learned a lot about myself, about life, about happiness, about blessings and about trust. 

In the end, it was a year of learning.  Hard, yet poignant lessons.   I go forward with a greater knowledge base and a firmer foundation.  

2012 is going to be a good one.  I can just feel it in my bones.