Monday, October 31, 2011

Being Reminded

Today I was reminded of a few things from a good friend of mine.

I was reminded that I am worth goodness and great things.
I was reminded that I need to believe in the unknown possibilities.
I was reminded that I have to let go.
I have to be open.
I need to be willing to try new things.
I need to change my closed perspective on certain "beliefs."
I am a constant growing and changing human being and I need to understand that so is everyone else.
Things happen as they are meant to.
My grasp is too firm.
Life will be as it is and I just take it as it comes.

I sometimes forget that I am meant to be exactly where I am.  I sometiems lose sight that things will be as they are meant to be, whether they are as I planned them or not.  Life has a way of working itself out.  God has a bigger plan for me than I could imagine.  Life is not perfect. 

Today I vow to open my heart even though it might hurt.  Today I will try harder at being free to new experiences.  Today I will promise to myself, and my friends and those that have supported me to try to really just stop being so uptight on the inside.  Just really love each moment as it happens, and stop trying to change the past and predict the future.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Getting Back

For the longest time I thought I wanted to get ahead.  I was rushing for the next "big thing" that was coming.  I was looking for adventure.  I was seeking new things, new experiences and new ways to do something old.  I always wanted to be somewhere different, know different people, be in a time somewhere in the future.  The future always seemed bright and better than the today I was living in.  I was rushing through the daily things just so that I could get ahead.

I still sort of do that now.  I live for what's ahead.  I'm trying to be better about it.  Just breathing in the day to day things that come and go, ever so quietly.  Because I realize that pretty soon the future I thought I was waiting for is today, and I don't even know how I got here.  I was so busy rushing through it that I couldn't enjoy it.

The weird thing for me though, is that even though I am still waiting for something that is unknown and most definitely in the future...I am trapped in the thoughts in my mind that getting back, moving backwards would make things better.  I keep looking behind me at all I lost, all I left behind, all the mistakes I made, all the poor choices that have left me half empty and wholly broken. 

It's unlike me to look back.  I have never really been one to do so.  But something about the recent, and not so recent past has been haunting me.  I do not recognize who I am anymore.  I do not know where to plant my feet.  I do not know what is true and what is fabricated in my mind.  I am unsteady and unsure and I am looking back and holding on to memories and people and little moments in the day to day life that I let pass me by so fast.  When I was living in the time "back then" I didn't think about what I had.  I thought I had it bad, and awful, so I was just doing everything I could to get out of it. 

Looking back...I wish I could just go back.  I know it's impossible.  So, I am just trying to take it day-by-day and realize that this right now, right here, in the middle of a Barnes and Noble on a Friday night,'s my life.  It's okay.  Beacuse some things are beautiful about it.  There are other people around me on their laptops, and I can smell the coffee brewing at Starbucks and people are reading and holding hands and sitting alone and dressed crazy.  And it's just life.  Happening right here.  Right around me. 

As much as I want to be back to where I was, and as broken as my heart is, I am just trying to love the now.  Love the people I am with.  Love the ones who I can share my life with.  There are several people I don't get to see, and lost friends, and missing friends, and all sorts of things that have happened but I am not alone.  Just this morning I saw two old friends from high school in the Starbucks, and I was reminded how nice it is to see old familiar faces.  And today at school, I was reminded that kids just want to have fun and laugh and play jokes and dress up in costumes and have fun. I realize that it's a blessing to be around them all day because they breathe life into this world.  These children who I work with every day are the future, and in some way, I am helping shape the future.  That is amazing.

The heaviness of my heart is less when I am at school, around my students.  So, I have to be thankful for that.  It is in the later hours of the night, when I realize that I don't get to hold hands or kiss or feel loved by someone, that I get sad.  I do wish I had someone here next to me reading his book or holding my hand or sipping hot cocoa with me.  I just have to know that might just have to be a part of my future, and not a part of my now.  It's hard because I had it, and I know how wonderful it was, and I was stupid and I did selfish and reckless things.  I guess, next time it comes around, if it ever does again, I will know the true value of it.  And, hopefully then I won't be thinking about getting it back, or going back, or wanting it back.  I will know that what I have is a gift and I will cherish it.

I just hope I don't have to wait too long...I get impatient about these sorts of things.

What I also hope, is that I am not the only one who feels this way.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

The Spaces

Right now I am just trying to figure out what to do with all the empty spaces.  There seems to be all this air in my body, mind and heart.  The space is being filled with mostly regret.  Some smiles.  Mishaps.  and then more regret.  I wish I could say I was happy all the time.  For the most part I am.  I am blessed and busy and full.  But right now... the emptiness is ever present. 

True Words in Song

Monday, October 24, 2011

Turning Leaves

Okay, so my friend took this picture, and I can't take credit for it.  In some ways it makes me want to get an iPhone, just so I can take cool instagram photos, or whatever you call this thing.

Anyway, yesterday I spent three hours at a pumpkin patch with three wonderful ladies.  We had great talks on the way to the patch, and some laughs at the patch.  Overall, it was a good good day.  The kind that makes me so happy that it's fall and it rememinded me how much I just LOVE LOVE October.  I still think it is my favorite month.  Although, I didn't enjoy it this year as much as I normally do, the day at the patch helped bring me back to its wonders.

As I was looking back at the photos from the day (about 250ish), I was reminded of where I was this time last year.  I thought about how much had changed, and how my life had really been filled in just a year.  I realized all the new people that I talk to, trust, love, and cherish now this year that I didn't have in my life last October.  At least, they weren't in my life the way they are now.  I thought about all the new friends I made, all the fun stuff I had done in the last year. 

In just a year, I consider my core group of friends a totally different set of people than I did this time last year.  I realized that people come and go and seasons change and people change and needs change.  So, the people that are in my life now, are the people that are meant to be with me in this season and vice versa.  They are teachers and counselors and scrapbookers and old friends and new friends.  Everyone mingles well and gets along and we are always laughing and life is good.  I dance and I sing loud in the car and I play when I want to play and I rest when I need to rest.  I say yes when I want to, and I say no when I want to.  I plan ahead for fun activities, and I do spur of the moment activities.  I am applying to a Master's program.  I am content in my job.  I am seeking ways to be closer to God.  I am venturing out into the unknown and inside me I have a peace.  A peace that comes when life is good and full and blessed. 

The leaves are reminding me that things change.  They are always changing.  Nothing stays the same.  Things must transform, die, and be regrown.  It is part of life, part of nature, part of all of us.  Every single year things change.  Every few months things change.  The turning of the leaves this year signifies more to me than it ever has before, because for me, it's time to let the old die off.   It's a time for me to rebuild and regrow.  I need to keep my roots in the ground but I need to replenish.

And I am constantly reminded of one of my favorite bible verses:

There is a time for every event under heaven ~
A time to give birth, and a time to die; A time to plant, and a time to uproot what is planted.
A time to kill, and a time to heal; A time to tear down, and a time to build up.
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn, and a time to dance.
A time to throw stones, and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace, and a time to shun embracing.
A time to search, and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep, and a time to throw away.
A time to tear apart, and a time to sew together; A time to be silent, and a time to speak.
A time to love, and a time to hate; A time for war, and a time for peace.
Ecclisiasties 3: 1-9

Saturday, October 15, 2011


I know there have been lots of things that have been difficult for me to process through, or deal with, or to let go of.  But, regardless of what's been going on I have been constantly seeking inpiration.  Through quotes, or books, or pictures or anything that will shed some light into my thinking and my daily living.  I thought I would share some of my inspiration.

"Work your hardest. Think your smartest. Dream your biggest. Be your greatest. Love you fullest. Smile your brightest."

Years ago a John Hopkin's professor gave a group of graduate students this assignment: Go to the slums. Take 200 boys, between the ages of 12 and 16, and investigate their background and environment. Then predict their chances for the future.   The students, after consulting social statistics, talking to the boys, and compiling much data, concluded that 90 percent of the boys would spend some time in jail.

Twenty-five years later another group of graducate students was given the job of testing the prediction. They went back to the same area. Some of the boys - by then men - were still there, a few had died, some had moved away, but they got in touch with 180 of the original 200. They found that only four of the group had ever been sent to jail.

Why was it that these men, who had lived in a breeding place of crime, had such a surprisingly good record? The researchers were continually told: "Well, there was a teacher..."

They pressed further, and found that in 75 percent of the cases it was the same woman. The researchers went to this teacher, now living in a home for retired teachers. How had she exerted this remarkable influence over that group of children? Could she give them any reason why these boys should have remembered her?

"No," she said, "no I really couldn't." And then, thinking back over the years, she said musingly, more to herself than to her questioners: "I loved those boys...."
Bits & Pieces - June 1995
Economics Press

Saturday, October 8, 2011

On Happiness

Lately, I have realized how dismal and unhappy my posts have been. Mostly, because my life has appeared to be dismal and unhappy. I keep seeing the bad, keep feeling the ripple affects of the negative energy abounding in my day to day living. It seems tears well up in my eyes at anything even slightly heart wrenching. Sometimes I cry at things that are happy, because I don't know how to handle it. But, what I have come to learn in the very hard and trying last few months are a few things I didn't quite understand before. I am hoping my insights stick with me and i can manage to pull my myself out of what seems to have been some dark times.

1. I have some really good friends. And, I have some really crappy ones. The good ones love and adore me for the creation and individual that I am. They know that I can be stubborn, make poor choices, and be kind of a pain in the bum. But, they also know that I will do anything for them, will always be honest, and help them in any way possible, whenever possible. With the crappy friends, I just realize and see that there is no reason for me to keep them around. An acquaintance or "friend" is not worth it to me. I'm busy, and i have limited time these days. To spend my time and energy on and for people who wouldn't do the same for me is silly. I need to give my time and love to those who would do the same for me. And the people I have in my life that are my real friends are great. It reminds me of a quote: "as you get older you start to realize who really matters, who never did, and who always will."

2. My happiness does not depend on anyone else. I have been blessed and given many gifts, and to deny them and want something more or different would be a denial of the wonderful things I have been given. I need to take the time daily to appreciate what I have, and stop thinking or wanting what I don't have.

3. Life just isn't easy. Not for me. Not for you. Not for anyone. People all over the world experience tremendous amounts of pain and loss and suffering all throughout their life. What makes life worth it are the moments when our hearts are full of love and joy. I can be happy knowing that I have had many of these moments, the ones where I look around in awe at the people I love and the laughter I get to share and the memories I have been able to create. Each person and moment in my life is a gift. I didn't earn it, nor do I particularly deserve it, but I was given it. And, as hard as life may be the joyful moments are still there and those moments are what make it all worth it.

4. Perfection is an illusion. I have always strived to make everything perfect. My job, my life, my house, my school work, my everything, my this, my that. It had to be perfect and nothing could be out of order. Often times it has to be so perfect I'm compulsive about it. I can't stop until it's done, and I can't leave the room until the mess is clean, or I can't leave work until all tasks are checked off. In my relationships, I try to make him be perfect. I want him to like the exact same kind of music and want Mexican food for dinner the exact nights I want Mexican. And I want him to buy my flowers on the days I'm feeling sad without me having to tell him I'm sad. Crazzzy, right? I know. I know. So, I'm starting to stop trying to make everything perfect in my life. Basically, stop trying to control every tiny aspect. I am learning to let it go. It's a slow process for me. And, its a hard process. I know I have to wake up every single day and remind myself that nothing can be perfect. There will always be something missing, or wrong, or forgotten. All i can do is the best i know how, and that sometimes the best i can do is to surrender whatever i am trying to perfect. Let it just be what it is and stop trying to fit it into my mold or my ideaolgies.

5. NOTHING WORTH HAVING IS EASY!!! I mean, seriously! How did I not know this? Real important, valuable things in this life require hard work, dedication, commitment, love, sacrifice, flexibility, and most importantly, patience! My God, do they require patience. This lesson in-it-of-itself is probably the hardest thing for me to come to terms with. I will be honest, my whole life things came easy. If I wanted a job, I got the job. If I wanted the boy, I got the boy. If I needed money or help, I got it. I never really had to wait long for it either. Things just sort of flowed easily to me. I can't tell you how, I just know they did. Up until this year...when, how do you say..."shit got real,". The job I wanted didn't work out this year. For a variety of reasons, it just didn't. So now I'm stuck working in a place that sucks the joy from me, rather than filing me up. The boy I want, and the relationship I long to be in, has been damaged, by my own selfish doing. So, I long and I hope for a relationship that I know may never come again. Lastly, I just want to be done with school. I feel like I am tied down, which I am. I can't go anywhere until I finish this teaching program. It's going to take another two years...which requires me to have the patience and commitment to follow through on what I started. Which I am not good at when that requires patience. I can follow through on short-term items, but have a much more difficult time on tasks that require long term commitments. All in all, there's a lot going through my head and even more so, a lot weighing on my heart. I'm doing the best I can to put a smile on my face and be happy, but it is very difficult. But at least I'm trying.

I still cry almost every day, and my heart has a constant empty and unhappy feeling to it...but at least I haven't given up yet. If I could afford it, I would have probably run away by now. That's what I do. I run. I run away from things that are hard, and difficult and require change on my part. I am realizing now though, that I cant keep running, i have to face myself and my demons and my fears and all my heartache. It will never go away until I figure this out. I'm taking it one step at a time. One-tiny-baby step-at-a-time....