Monday, April 16, 2012

Lust. Desire.

It's quite simple really.  I want something that I can't have.  I mean the desire and the quest for it and the thought of it keeps me up at night.  I can taste the rawness of it in the back of my throat and the quench for the it can only be satisfied by it. I think about it every single interval of moment when my brain is at ease, it fills me to the brim.  It flows through my blood and in my brain and in every ounce of my being, calling out his name. 

I close my eyes and I feel his hands and see his eyes and his charming sweet lips.  I can't associate a smell with him, but I can associate the thundering pulse inside my chest. I am in his presence and my steps are out of sync, and I stumble.  When he speaks I stare at his hand gestures, I observe his every move.  How he stands.  How his feet move back and forth.  I listen to the intonations in his voice.  I watch him sit and I close my eyes and imagine the spaces between his fingers laced with mine.

I haven't felt like this since I was a 17 years-old.  Crazy teenage hormoes aflair.  Now, they are ever present again, and I can barely manage to speak without stuttering.  I don't know if the uneasyness of it all is due to the fact that I can't have it, or if there's some undiscovered part of a relationship I am meant to have with him. The unanswered questions, the undone, the unsaid. The unasked, the untouched, the unfelt.  I want all of the unknowns with him. But I am quickly snapped backed to reality before I can allow my thought processes to venture down an unexplorable path.

The feelings overwhelming and overbearing and intense.  Crazy.  Consuming.  The whole idea of it.  I may never see him again. I may never know.  I may not have the right to know.  In some ways, I can't imagine my world without him in it.   But...I can't have him and each and every day my body cries out.  This passion and lust and desire are consuming me from the inside out. 

Where words lack, I hope that these songs can fill in the gaps:
Citizen Cope
Alex Clare
ZZ Ward
Bon Iver

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