Saturday, December 28, 2013

And We're Back...

And by "we're" I mean that "I" am back.  Also, being back is indicative that I recently went through a break up and the most efficient way I know how to deal with it is to write about it and date A LOT.  I guess the break up wasn't that recent, it was 4 months ago.  Some days it feels like forever, and some days it feels like yesterday.  Regardless, somehow I am still struggling to find my way amidst the mess of it all, the shitty people available at my age to date and the empty bed I sleep in every night (okay, maybe not every night, but most nights). 

Here's the thing, I spent two and a half years with a boy so wrong for me and so dysfunctional in so many ways that when I finally got out of the chaos I realized I had no solid groundwork to stand on.  This guy was a simply a space filer, a warm body and someone to spend Sunday afternoons with.  He did not offer emotional, financial or physical support.  He was in no way available or open to love.  He was condescending, uneducated and rude.  He was sheltered, oblivious and unaware of the great big world out there.  At 26 he still lived at home, never went to college and spent most of his free time smoking pot and/or cigarettes and playing video games.  If he wasn't playing video games he was watching sports or going to the movies. Needless to say his mental depth was shallow.  His vocabulary was minimal.  And his life was a small bubble.

I'm not going to lie, as every girl does in the freshness of a break up and the loneliness of not finding someone to fill the space yet, I think of him often.  I wonder endlessly if it was really him that ruined "us" or if it was me.  I wonder if I would have been able to make it work.  I wonder how it would be if we were still together.  I wonder if I am happier without him.  I miss the sex, often.  I miss his foot touching mine in the bed at night.  When I start to get nostalgic or all sentimental I try to force myself to remember all the crappy parts of him.   I know this probably makes me a terrible human being but the truth of the matter is that he is not a good man.  I know and have known good men. Men who are kind and generous and thoughtful and caring and inquisitive and tender.  I have known many a man who may not cry on the outside but who truly feels deep within the depths of his soul.  This boy I dated was in fact none of those things. I could write an endless blog about his wrongdoings.  You would be appalled, trust me.  I will spare you those details.  All that needs to be said is that no matter how much I might miss him, I don't miss him enough to endure the pain of our relationship again.  In fact, at this very moment he thinks I'm dating a successful man who treats me to dates in the city and is honest and communicative.  Unbeknown to my ex, that guy and I broke up weeks ago.  It's okay to let him think I'm happily moving on.

The moving on to someone new is harder than I realized because of the mental ninja fucking my ex did to my mind.  I didn't know how deep he had planted his seeds until I was fully out of the relationship.  Have you ever been through that?  You think you are going to be so happy without this certain guy, and then you get out of it and you start to remember all of that horrible bullshit he used to say to you.  Then you start to believe all of that horrible bullshit he used to say to you.  Then you start to think the relationship didn't work because in fact your ex was right, you really are all messed up.  Then you start to believe that you can't get un-messed-up because your too messed up to ever go back and now you dated a shit head and you figure “well the only guys that are going to be willing to put up with my messed-up-ness are shit heads…so I guess I better settle for a shit head.”  Then you think it’s okay to call your ex because you think it might work out this time.  Then you can live happily ever after.

I have to yell at myself when I get into that crazy thinking.  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!  (Not what is wrong with you based on what your ex thought…but what the hell is wrong with you for believing it).  By this point I am just so mad at my ex that I decide I am going to go on like 5 dates in one week just to spite him.  I will make sure all the dates are more successful, smarter and more put together than my ex.  And if he were to see me out on these dates I imagine that my ex would get crazy jealous.  Then I realize I’m crazy, and he was right.  Then I do something to stop thinking about it, like watch my DVR shows or go to the gym (usually the first one), or I go have a drink or two with some friends to remind myself that I, in fact, have my life together.  I have a successful career, a master’s degree and I am in the process of buying a property (if I feel like it).  I have hobbies, interests and a lot of really great dreams I hope to one day accomplish.  Then I tell myself that my ex is in fact a lazy pot head with no ambition and maybe he will be happier than me in the long run but then I think “ignorance is bliss.”  If his happiness comes from lack of knowledge then I’d rather be smart, aware, and open to the ideas of the world than be dumb and happy.  

Then I go on these dates that I set up, and they all suck.  And by suck I mean that one guy told me “you’re not as skinny as your pictures make you look.”  Another one plays with his belly fat at the dinner table.  And yet another stare at my tits the entire meal.  Then the whole cycle starts over because I realize there are slim pickings these days and it’s worthless for me to try to spend my time out there in the dating world because I will never meet the man I want.  So then I go to Starbucks (where I am now) hoping that my prince charming walks in and sweeps me off my feet and I can stop writing about my shitty dates and my shitty exs. 

3 comments:

  1. Sorry you're hurting. Don't give up...

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  3. This really hit the nail on the head for me. I hope things have gotten better since you posted this! Everyone deserves someone that makes them happy. Never settle for less than you deserve.

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