Monday, March 26, 2012

What I Wanted (Or So I Thought)

Recently I was at a point where I was thinking if only I had THAT I would have everything I ever wanted.  It's like these thoughts crowd and infest my mind and rob me of my joy.  They make me feel and believe that I don't have everything I need to be happy and joyful.  But that's a lie.

There are a few things, mostly one, that I thought if I could just get my hands around it and hold onto it forever that my life would be complete and I would be so happy.  I believed that this thing was the missing piece to the puzzle of my life.  That if I had this thing, mostly this person, that my life would be totally and completely  fulfilled.  I really and truly believed in my heart and in my mind that THIS person was the ONLY person for me and that I couldn't be happy without them.  I felt like a piece of me was missing by not having them in my life.

I was running around trying to fill my life with little pieces of others that I thought could satisfy and fulfill me up.  What I have come to realize is that I have compromised myself, my joy, my happiness, my love for life, my happy soul to satisfy a minimal part of my life. 

I have exactly what I need. I actually have exactly what I need in abundance.  I have been given so many wonderful friends and people and an amazing job.  I have a family I love and that I am close to and opportunities to do things many people just dream of doing.  I have been given a faith in a God that is loving and compassionate and continues to show me that love and grace over and over again no matter how many times I mess up.  I have been given the chance to love, and hurt, and grow and learn and be and change and manifest into the person I was destined to be.  There's nothing short of a miracle in all of that.  I have always had what I needed and more and I have been looking past that and searching for something that I am not meant to have right now. 

Ultimately, I have realized that by selling myself short and settling for scraps and pieces of people, rather than a truly fulfilling relationship that I have lost a part of my soul in the midst of my wanderings.  When I really stop and think about all  I have given up for temporary fulfillment I realize that I have taken all my wonderful gifts and talents and blessings and essentially acted like I am worthless and have no value.  When that is no where near the truth. 

I am worthy of a loving, long standing, faithful, honest, real and open relationship.  I am worth love and kindness and caring.  I am worth a person who looks me in the eyes and can commit to loving me and being with me even when it's hard and when it's not easy and when bad stuff happens and when good stuff happens.

What I have done to get to this point is shameful to me, and I bow my head and weep at the terrible path I have chosen.  But every long and winding road leads back home.  I have been on this road for far too long.  Believing in lies other tell me for the moment, setting my heart on things not of this earth, hurting other people, taking my life for granted. 

I feel like this is a reoccuring and long standing lesson of humulity I have been on a journey to really discover. I hope that this time it really sticks. Sometimes it takes something terrible for the truth to really sink in, and something terrible has happened and has caused a road block in my mind and life forced me to get to a point where I know that I am not where I should be. Or, I guess, more so that I am where I should be but that I am not doing what I should be doing.

I recently saw a quote that said "Just so you know, there are certain people who were put here to break you. So you could learn how to pull yourself back together again." I am at that point and I am ready to put it back together so that when someone comes along who is meant to value me, then I will be ready and whole. Not broken and missing pieces.

Now I know that tomorrow be kind as long as I choose to do the right thing, to listen to my faith and trust in my God, and to know that as long as I am doing the right thing that all will work itself out.

 It is when I do the wrong thing that things get confusing and I get lost in the wanderlust of it all.

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