I don't get all the hype, I mean, come on people it's just a random Tuesday in February. It's like a random Tuesday in October or July. Except Tuesdays in July are waaaaayy better. At least in July you can wear super cute skirts, and ruffly summer tops and drink Slurpees from 7-11 and lay out in the sun and smell tanning oil and have fresh cool crisp salad. A Tuesday in July sounds a heck of a lot better than one in February if you ask me. So, I don't understand why everyone is getting all bent out of shape over one dumb day. I mean I wore the pink and the red, and I passed out candy to my students, and I happily accepted chocolate and balloons and we even made Valentine's day cards in my class. But did it really mean anything to me?... In all honesty, it didn't. It's just a freaking day.
Really, what's been meaning more to me lately is not the date on the calendar, or the holiday scheduled. What really matters to me lately is what has been stirring up inside of me. The feelings that have been stirring around in my mind, and informing the conversations I have been having with friends. Conversations about what to do next, what to stop doing now, what behaviors need to be modified. I have been talking a great deal about who I am, who I want to be and what I hope for, with people who mean the world to me. Friends who are honest and open and real with me about what I am doing and how it's affecting me.
Sometimes, I get so caught up in it all that I forget how much my choices really do affect my day to day living. I think they don't really have any say in how I react to people or how I respond. But, when I really start to think about how I feel on the inside, I realize that often times it comes out in how I handle myself and the attitudes I put out into the world.
For example, when someone in particular doesn't call or text me back, although I thought they might like me...I start to feel un-good or un-worthy. Then, because I am feeling that way I start to feel sad on the inside and I lose sleep. When I lose sleep I am more irritable at work, and then I have less patience for the students in my classroom and their needs. When I am not as patient and loving towards my students as I would like to be, I end up going home and feeling bad that I wasn't the best teacher that I could be for them. I start to feel like I am not fully living into my calling because I know I was called to be a teacher, and here I am not being a good one, and what's the point of being one at all if I can't be a good one. Then I start to think maybe I shouldn't even be a teacher and I should just give up on the whole thing, and then I start to feel un-good. And then I will call or text that person to make me feel better, and they won't respond and I will continue to feel un-good and un-loved, and the cycle goes on and on and on and on.
I try to not let myself get into ruts (although lately I have failed miserably, and have gotten myself into several ruts). Mostly one in particular which has been a life-long struggle for me. A struggle and a rut and a habit of poor choice making around boys that has led me to feel God's presence, but also feel like a terrible sinner, and at times chose to completely ignore what I believe in, because I simply know no other way of coping and/or dealing with the bad feelings.
I am trying to be better about who I allow into my life, so I swore of certain people who I do not feel serve my purpose or my life and whom which I think actual infect my life. I actually even deleted their numbers so as not to be tempted to reach out to them. But, there are still a few I can't seem to relinquish from my mind. They inhabit it consistently. Most of the time they inhabit my mind, I am fairly certain, that these people have, in no way, ever felt or thought about me what I am thinking about them. Typically, I am thinking quite highly of them or I will smile at the thought of their face or the taste of their lips. I will even laugh out loud, from the depths of my belly at something funny that happened with them. Then, almost as quickly as I am filled with happiness because of the fondness of a memory, I am jolted back to the realization that they don't call me back and they don't text me back. I think of them with fondness and adoration, and they don't think of me at all. It's quite pathetic really. To realize that someone who you care for, someone who means something to you and someone whom which you value and genuinely like, doesn't even have enough respect for you to type two words into their phone. Nope, not even two, heck not even one.
This is why today is just a Tuesday. Because, when I find the love that I know God has in store for me, and I can finally make wise and smart choices about men and boys and I am in a good place with respect for myself and who I am and what I have to offer, I knooooww, and I mean I really know that today, February 14th, will be just another day of the year. Because, when it's real and true and honest and whole-hearted love I will feel it every single day. I will make sure they feel it too, and I will buy them chocolate on a Thursday in October for no reason, and I will cook their favorite meal and eat at their favorite restaurant (even if I hate it) in March, and I will go buy them a Slurpee on a Wednesday in August. I will kiss them goodnight every night that I possibly can. And I will tell them that I love them on sticky notes, and with flowers, and with cards with hearts on them, and with gifts as often as I possibly can. There will be no need for a holiday for the person I love to know that I love them. They will already know it. He will know it in the depths of his soul, and with all his heart, and in every ounce of his being that he is deeply, truly and wholly loved.