And by "we're" I mean that "I" am back. Also,
being back is indicative that I recently went through a break up and the most
efficient way I know how to deal with it is to write about it and date A
LOT. I guess the break up wasn't
that recent, it was 4 months
ago. Some days it feels like forever, and some days it feels like
yesterday.
Regardless, somehow I am
still struggling to find my way amidst the mess of it all, the shitty people
available at my age to date and the empty bed I sleep in every night (okay,
maybe not
every night, but
most nights).
Here's the thing, I spent two and a half years with a boy so wrong for me
and so dysfunctional in so many ways that when I finally got out of the chaos I
realized I had no solid groundwork to stand on. This guy was a simply a
space filer, a warm body and someone to spend Sunday afternoons with. He
did not offer emotional, financial or physical support. He was in no way
available or open to love. He was condescending, uneducated and
rude. He was sheltered, oblivious and unaware of the great big world out
there. At 26 he still lived at home, never went to college and spent most
of his free time smoking pot and/or cigarettes and playing video games.
If he wasn't playing video games he was watching sports or going to the movies.
Needless to say his mental depth was shallow. His vocabulary was
minimal. And his life was a small bubble.
I'm not going to lie, as every girl does in the freshness of a break up and
the loneliness of not finding someone to fill the space yet, I think of him
often. I wonder endlessly if it was really him that ruined "us"
or if it was me. I wonder if I would have been able to make it
work. I wonder how it would be if we were still together. I wonder
if I am happier without him. I miss the sex,
often. I miss
his foot touching mine in the bed at night. When I start to get nostalgic
or all sentimental I try to force myself to remember all the crappy parts of
him. I know this probably makes me a terrible human being but the truth
of the matter is that he is not a good man. I know and have known good
men. Men who are kind and generous and thoughtful and caring and inquisitive
and tender. I have known many a man who may not cry on the outside but
who truly feels deep within the depths of his soul. This boy I dated was
in fact none of those things. I could write an endless blog about his
wrongdoings. You would be appalled, trust me. I will spare you
those details. All that needs to be said is that no matter how much I
might miss him, I don't miss him enough to endure the pain of our relationship
again. In fact, at this very moment he thinks I'm dating a successful man
who treats me to dates in the city and is honest and communicative.
Unbeknown to my ex, that guy and I broke up weeks ago. It's okay to let
him think I'm happily moving on.
The moving on to someone new is harder than I realized because of the mental
ninja fucking my ex did to my mind. I didn't know how deep he had planted
his seeds until I was fully out of the relationship. Have you ever been
through that? You think you are going to be so happy without this certain
guy, and then you get out of it and you start to remember all of that horrible
bullshit he used to say to you. Then you start to
believe all of that horrible bullshit he used to say to you.
Then you start to think the relationship didn't work because in fact your
ex was right, you really are all messed up. Then you start to believe
that you can't get un-messed-up because your too messed up to ever go back and
now you dated a shit head and you figure “well the only guys that are going to
be willing to put up with my messed-up-ness are shit heads…so I guess I better
settle for a shit head.”
Then you think
it’s okay to call your ex because you think it might work out this time.
Then you can live happily ever after.
I have to yell at myself when I get into that crazy thinking.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!
(Not what is wrong with you based on what your
ex thought…but what the hell is wrong with you for believing it).
By this point I am just so mad at my ex that
I decide I am going to go on like 5 dates in one week just to spite him.
I will make sure all the dates are more
successful, smarter and more put together than my ex.
And if he were to see me out on these dates I
imagine that my ex would get crazy jealous.
Then I realize I’m crazy, and he was right.
Then I do something to stop thinking about
it, like watch my DVR shows or go to the gym (usually the first one), or I go
have a drink or two with some friends to remind myself that I, in fact, have my
life together.
I have a successful
career, a master’s degree and I am in the process of buying a property (if I
feel like it).
I have hobbies, interests
and a lot of really great dreams I hope to one day accomplish.
Then I tell myself that my ex is in fact a
lazy pot head with no ambition and maybe he will be happier than me in the long
run but then I think “ignorance is bliss.”
If his happiness comes from lack of knowledge then I’d rather be smart,
aware, and open to the ideas of the world than be dumb and happy.
Then I go on these dates that I set up, and they all suck.
And by suck I mean that one guy told me “you’re
not as skinny as your pictures make you look.”
Another one plays with his belly fat at the dinner table.
And yet another stare at my tits the entire
meal.
Then the whole cycle starts over
because I realize there are slim pickings these days and it’s worthless for me
to try to spend my time out there in the dating world because I will never meet
the man I want.
So then I go to Starbucks
(where I am now) hoping that my prince charming walks in and sweeps me off my
feet and I can stop writing about my shitty dates and my shitty exs.
