In response to A Week of Worthiness:
Feeling unworthy is easy these days. Feeling like there is just something missing, something I'm not doing it right, something that just isn't enough is mostly what I hear. Through people's verbal judgments, through glossy looks. There are voices on the internet talking about what I should be. People's awkward stares at the post office that tell me I'm wrong. So many voices in my own head telling me that I have to be thinner, quieter, more reserved, more easy going, less outspoken, not so tired and have a better job before I can be enough.
A good friend of mine once put it like this, "My whole life I have always been 'too' much of something. Too loud. Too emotional. Too outspoken. Too harsh. Too much. Too needy. Too sensitive. Too stubborn. For once in my life I'd like to be just enough of something."
Her words resonated with me and have been reverberating in my ears ever since she said them. I have found that how she described her criticisms and how people labeled her have shown up in my day to day life ever since she put into words what I couldn't say myself. Like my friend, I have never been just "enough" of something; always too much of something. Which in turn leads to this eternal struggle of listening to my own voice, and hearing other voices being shouted in my ear telling me I'm not worthy enough. I have to fix this thing about me. I have to change that thing about me. I have to do this thing just right. To be the "right" kind of friend. To be the "right" kind of sister. To be the "right" kind of student. The "right" kind of co-worker.
If someone out there knows the equation of "just enough" emotion, heart, head, voice, reason and soul to be the best kind of person possible, please share. Because somehow I seem to be screwing it up. Whether it's by my own standards, or my peers standards.
Since all these things are telling me that I am not good enough or worthy enough - I will resolve to abolish the things I hear that are telling me to be different and attempt to love and appreciate all that I am and accept all that I am not.
TODAY'S THINGS TELLING ME I'M NOT ENOUGH (& MY RESPONSE):
1. Me telling myself that I am not attractive, sexy or wanted until I lose 20 lbs. My Response:
20 lbs. I have much more to offer someone than a number on a scale. I have a compassionate heart that longs to do justice in the world, teach the youth of America the importance of self love, and give more than it receives. I have a soul that longs to write novels that change people lives (or at the very least give them something to read and enjoy in the sunshine on a warm sunny afternoon). I have a brain filled with knowledge and stories that make people laugh and cry and everything in between. I have a creative bone that dreams in color and paints pictures in my mind of art and crafts and beautiful things.
2. Me telling myself that I have wasted the last two years of my life working a job that has nothing to do with what I actually want to do and now, because of the budget crisis, I may never be a teacher. My Response:
Wasted my life. I have met a lot of really great people at some of my jobs, even my best friend Hillary. I have only grown more keenly aware of the fact that there is nothing more important that using my God given talents because if I don't they go to waste and the world misses out. This is my motto right now re this topic: “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” -Howard Thurman
3. A person passive-aggressively twittering that I am "worthless, ignorant, naive, immature, wimpy, a robot, soulless and bossy." My Response:
worthless, ignorant, naive, immature, wimpy, a robot, soulless and bossy. I know my heart. I know my worth. I know my maturity. I know my strength. I know my soul. I am aware of my weaknesses and am working towards bettering them. All of these things are not defined by someone else, and I will not let them be.
There may be more at a later date, but those are the three things I will focus on today.
My life is my own, and as long as I am living with good intentions, following my strong and compassionate heart and trying to bring others joy, I believe that's ENOUGH for today.