Saturday, July 9, 2011

What’s With Them?

Okay, so at first I was excited to be involved in this new romantic thing I have going on.  I thought it was exciting and new and fun and fresh…and now my mind has gotten the best of me.  I am over thinking things.  I am worried.  I am anxious like crazy about it.  My mind is in non-stop thinking mode. 

Should I text him?  Should I not text him?  Should I ask him to hang out?  Is he like every other guy, with one motive?  He texts me every day, almost like clockwork, that means the likes me, right?  He told me today he’s been missing me all week, that means he likes me, right?  Am I getting ahead of myself by thinking about what will happen with us in 6 months?  Would I scare him if I asked him what he really wanted?…

It’s stupid what I really want.  Or mostly, it seems minor and simple to me what I want.  I just haven’t the “balls” to ask him if he wants it to.  You ready.  It’s big.  i guess?  I don’t think I ever thought twice about it before, but not knowing if he wants the same thing makes me nervous.  All I really want is for him to spend the night. I love sleepovers.  They are my favorite.  I sleep better and I just feel safe.  I just want a snuggle buddy.  Someone next to me so I don’t feel so alone through all this crap.  I just want to know that someone is on my side.  I just want to wake up and smile because there is a hottie next to me.  This new guy is SUPER cute.  I mean…so cute I get tongue tied.  I don’t mean to get cheesy, corny and teenagee on you, but it’s true.  I haven’t been with someone this cute…in years.  If ever.  I am worried I am not cute enough for him, I am so worried I am too fat or too cottage cheesy or too old or too different than him for him to actually like me.  It’s really crazy how many of my insecurities are creeping up and screaming at me.

Being with him/meeting him has made me totally re-evaluate what I actually want right now.  I can’t say I’m emotionally available for a this big serious commitment, which is what I thought I wanted.  But maybe, for now, I just want someone hot and fun and easy going.  Someone who is not going to make things a big deal and who is just going to go with the flow.  I thought I was over that phase in my life, I thought I outgrew it and that I was over it…but perhaps it’s what I need right now.  Just someone who will make me smile and feel good (when my insecurities aren’t at the forefront of my mind).    Not that any of those are his fault.  He tells me all the time how hot I am and how much he likes me daily.  I should trust that and not worry about what my own brain thinks.  I just don’t know what I want.  Really, I don’t know what he wants.  And it’s too early to ask.

It’s driving me mad.  Literally.  I hate it… I’m much better with comfortable things.  This should be exciting, right?  I should be pumped that I have a new romantic love interest.  I just hate not knowing when it will end, or when it will even start.  I get all in a twist not knowing what to say or what to do or what to expect.  Are we going to hang out?  What should we do?  Does he like hanging out with me?  Does he want to do something fun?  Does he want to do something mellow?  Will he want to hang out the nights/times that I have plans?  Should I ask him to hang out?  Should I wait for him to ask me?  Why is there even a game element to this whole thing at all anyways…BahHumBug!

This song is the only thing calming me down right now.  Javier Colon’s rendition of Coldplay’s song “Fix You.”

Javier Colon - Fix You

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