It’s a little thing called anxiety. I used to believe it was just a myth. That anything you wanted to make go away that had to do with your body, you could. I believed that anxiety was all a part of the mind and that nothing would be greater than your own ability to think away the anxiety. I used to believe that people were making this stuff up. NO WAY! It can’t be that bad. Then…one night, i began to realize, on a real level, what anxiety really was. I’m not exactly sure what gave me anxiety that first night but I remember the feeling. I thought my heart was going to literally explode. It felt like it was about ready to burst inside my chest cavity. I felt like I was about to throw up, and like my stomach was full of acid. I had a slow murmur in the back of my head and it seemed as though I would literally stop breathing at any moment. Pretty scary feeling. It’s been coming and going through the years, some days worse than others, never unmanageable. Just uncomfortable, and semi-scary.
Currently I have had the annoying tight chest pain/my heart is going to explode feeling for the past few days. There are a variety of events that have made me fall into this numbing anxiety level. Mostly, it’s the uncertainty that is surrounding me. I’m overly concerned for more than one person that I love dearly. Each person has a different reason for me to be worried, all of which very valid. One of them I miss more than ever and haven’t heard from in a long time. I’m worried if they are okay, I’m worried what’s been going on, and I’m worried if they know that they are loved. Another person that is probably the closest person to me in my life, is at a crux in his health. I have no control or any say in the situation, so I am forced to sit back and watch and do nothing. If you know me at all, you will know that this is a very hard for me. Nearly impossible. The other person that I am very concerned about is probably just as close to me as the last one that I mentioned. I am worried for this person because I am not sure what is going on. Again, it’s hard for me to sit back and let things be as they are and have no say in how that is. There is also another situation in my life that is causing me some anxiety: a new relationship. Now, well it’s all very exciting and fun and great, it still sends my nerves through a huge shock wave. does he really like me? does he really mean what he said? does he miss me when he’s not with me? does he think the things that I do? How can i be thinking about a boy when all these other big things are going on in my life? Am I a terrible person for wanting something good when the people I love are in pain? What if this guy doesn’t like me? Right now, he seems to be the only thing to distract me, then what if he goes away?
Mostly, this tight chest pain is filling up my life and it’s causing me to sleep terribly. It’s causing my mind to feel like it is constantly in flight or fight mode. Always alert, overly active, and filled with constant thoughts. I can’t get a moment of peace. I try to put on my headphones and drown out my own voice (usually what helps me) but even that is not working. I’m not sure what to do. I can take deep breaths. I can keep trying to drown out my own thoughts with loud noises. I can try to take a walk or work out. I don’t know. All I know is that my heart feels like it is going to detonate right beneath my rib cage.
I think I know the cure, or a way to slightly numb the pain, but that wont happen for at least another two days…until then…wish me luck.
“Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark. In the hopeless swamp
of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all, do not let the hero in your soul perish
and leave only frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach.
The world you desire can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.”