Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Finally Feel Like Living…or Quitting, I Can’t Decide

To be honest, a girl I hate with every ounce of my being just go engaged.  Now, I know there are a few things wrong with that sentence.  A) I should not hate anyone, because hating someone does nothing to them and only ruins my spirit.  B)  I should be happy when someone gets engaged because it means a joyous beginning and a union of two people.  C)  The reasons I hate this girl are completely ridiculous.

Right now, though, I really don’t think I want to pay any attention to the “right” thing.  This girl is just someone who I never though would ever be engaged, let alone, BEFORE ME!   Not that I want to be engaged, and not that I really am in the place to be engaged.  But it just makes me think: If someone like THAT can get engaged, what the hell is wrong with me?

I could give you epic long lists about what is wrong with this girl.  I mean lists at length of how shallow and horrible and bitchy and completely self-centered she is.  But I will spare you the details.  Let me just say that the girl has a furry face.  Yes, you read that right- A FURRY FACE.  I know, I know.  You’re thinking – How in the world can a furry faced spoiled girl be engaged?…My point exactly.

I found out this information the day after I decided to transform my life.  On Sunday I decided that it was time for me to get a life make-over.  I was going to start going reading daily, I was going to start a gratitude journal, I was going to start getting up at 5 a.m. every day to go to the gym, and I was going to revamp my love life and how I spent my free time.  I bought books.  I set my alarm.  I started writing, watching Oprah and thinking this moment and these decisions were going to change my life and I was going to be happier. 

I ate a salad on Sunday.  I went to church on Sunday.  I even heard a song at church called “Finally Feel Like Living”  which totally described my life.  I was at a point where I realized all these things I am and I am so afraid of letting them go because they have been defining of my image.  I realize that it’s time to change these things because they aren’t good qualities and I need to be a “new me” by working on the not so good parts.  The lyrics said “If I want to fly, I am going to have to say goodbye, and start a brand new way of life that finally feels like living.  And I’ve got to try, stop holding onto all these lies.  I’m tired of wasting all this time.  I finally feel like living.  I can wait until I know just what to do and where to go.  But i might be here forever.  I could surrender to my fears, like I've done for all these years.  And never know if it gets better. ”

It was perfect.  Everything that Elizabeth Hunnicut sang resonated with me.

When I got home I dusted off my books about daily devotionals, I downloaded some apps for my phone that would help with my goals.  Then set my alarm for 5 a.m…and believe it or not I got up.  I was onto my new beginning.  Monday was joyous.  My classroom was alive with joy, my students were on their best behavior, and I got a  lot accomplished.

Then I saw the news.  Damn Facebook.

I started to feel like no matter what I did, or who I vowed to become that someone was always going to be “ahead” of me.  I thought I was in a place to be engaged and married and starting the rest of my life a few months back but taking a look at myself I realized that there is SO much work yet to be done which has led me to this revamping of my life and who I am on a daily basis.

I guess I can’t really let the news get me down.  I should take my friends advice and remember that “you can’t compare your life to other peoples, and who knows, people get desperate, sometimes furry faces are what people are after.  It’ll happen for you, but it won’t if that’s all you concern yourself with.”

So…instead of sitting on my butt and eating a gallon of cookie dough (which is quite possible because I bought cookie dough from a fundraiser at school and have a gallon sitting on my freezer), I am going to get out there and keep making these changes in my own life.  I am  not going to make them so that I get engaged or become “madly in love.”  I am going to make them because I want to have a better relationship with God.  Because I want to be a happy and fulfilled person no matter what may seemingly be “missing” from my life.  I want to be healthy and feel good about how I look (for my OWN self image).  I want to be the healthiest, happiest, most loving person I can be to EVERYONE I meet (even if they have furry faces).  I want to remember every single day how blessed I am for so many wonderful things I have.  I finally feel like living.  Living to my full potential and engaging in relationships that are healthy and worthwhile and committing to God, love, gratitude, grace, giving, and being in good health so I can continue to do all of those things, every single day.

I found this quote that will hopefully get me back on track and forget about some furry face bump in the road:

“Before you speak, listen.
Before you write, think.
Before you spend, earn.
Before you invest, investigate.
Before you criticize, wait.
Before you pray, forgive.
Before you quit, try.
Before you retire, save.
Before you die, give.”

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