Wednesday, December 7, 2011

You Must Always Know

"You must always know, how long to stay and when to go."

There is a beauty in just letting go.  It's sad and it's hard, but it is something that must happen from time to time.  Often times we are forced to say goodbye against our own will, other times we have to say goodbye because it is the right thing to do.  All my life I have been saying goodbye to people.  

Some I have happily said goodbye to and wished them well.
Others, I have so longingly looked back at, hoping they'd turn around and come home.
Sometimes I have said goodbye in an instant.
While there have been times where goodbyes have been said what seems like 300 times.  
I have come back searching for others, and others names have escaped me.
Often times, I have cried many tears over the ones that were taken from me, and I have cried many more tears when I have had to say goodbye not when I wanted to, but when I had to.

Recently, I have had to say two very difficult goodbyes and two very different types of goodbyes.

One of those goodbyes was in its right time.  It was God's time to call his sweet child home.  I know that this person is finally at peace.   The sadness it brings to those the loss affected will be felt for many years to come, but I know how happy this person is now.  I can feel them smiling deep in my heart, and I know that heaven exists and that's where she is.  I know and believe without any doubt that she is dancing to "Impossible Dream" and laughing about all the good times.  I know she is finally hugging her dear son who left us too soon, her daughter whose light still shines.  I can  imagine her smile as she sees the husbands she lost, and her eldest son.   She is in a love filled place that will fill her soul and her blue eyes with eternal peace.  I love her dearly, and she will live in me forever.

The second goodbye hasn't even been finalized yet, but I can hear it creeping up.  The deafening sound of it is reverberating in my ears.  This is it.  Years and years of loose ends and possibilities and maybes.  I can hear it cracking in the dryness of the winter and the rawness of the pain seeping out of my blood.  I know that this goodbye is one that breaks apart the millions of possibilities the "hello" presented many years ago on a cold January night in Colorado.   This goodbye that is lingering in the near future is something that I do not want.  I want the potential and the easy silence this person brings to my daily living, but the goodbye is what is coming.  It's all there is to do.  Really.  I have been falling down this rabbit hole of a goodbye for many months now.  Grasping for air and wondering if he will ever come pull me out.  I have known that he is standing on the ground above me laughing and living and moving forward, while I just wait for him to come back to me.  So, I yelled "GOODBYE!"  and I am just waiting for him to come back and say bye.  I don't know for certain if that will be the response I get, but I sense it's what's to come.

I'm not sure if the actual goodbye is the hardest part, or if it's the waiting that's crushing, or it's the aftermath of it all.  For me, it's all of it.

I'm just in search of all things beautiful.  People say that goodbyes have a sort of beauty to them because they are the closure to an old time and the start of a new time.  For me, they are too sad for me.  

I'm not overwhelmed with sadness right now, but I am in a reflective state of mind.  Looking at the two contrasting goodbyes.  One is peaceful, because there are no regrets.  This woman lived her life all the years she could have.  She took every breath and every chance and loved everyone and took it all in and did all the things she wanted to do.  The second goodbye is the opposite.  It's a goodbye filled with wonder and what ifs.  It is a goodbye that no one knows what could have been had it not had to happen.  

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