Saturday, December 24, 2011


Just slightly over my half-birthday, by about a month, I am starting to realize some things.  Things I thought I would have learned many moons ago.  Things, about life and love and friends and choices that I thought would have just all fallen into place by now.  But they haven't.  As of late, life has been teaching me some deep rooted lessons.  Ones I know will stick with me for the rest of my days. 

I used to think I'd be done learning by the time I was an adult.  I just figured as a kid, your brain would just get filled up and filled up until it was stuffed to the brim with all sorts of awareness and knowledge and understanding, so that by the time you were an adult, there wouldn't be any more learning to be done.  I don't know if I exactly had it pinpointed (in my mind) when adult-hood would start, but surely I thought I would have it all figured out by now.  Boy, was I wrong.

At 26.5 + 1 month...I am just starting to realize the following things.  (let me point out that by realization, it doesn't mean full understanding, it just means a slight awareness.  Like, these thoughts and ideas are starting to tumble around in my mind like clothes in a dryer all mixed up, and everything is still pretty wet and hasn't quite taken on it's correct shape yet).

a.  Relationships are a shit-ton of work, and maybe all the happy marriages that I thought existed...don't really.  My sister told me yesterday that only 1% of couples are really truly happy and satisfied with their relationship/marriage.  Now, I personally believe that the number is larger than that...but who I am to say.  Regardless, the pretty marriage picture I had painted in my mind is far far from reality.  Relationships mean sacrifices, sometimes large, sometimes small.  And they require a deep commitment, trust, love and understanding that transcends through changes in self and in the world around.  It's an extraordinary masterpiece when couples thrive and grow throughout a multitude of circumstances.  When I think about how hard it is to change myself, and how hard it is to grow and learn new habits that aren't working, and the type of self-reflection and self-discipline it takes for me to grow within myself...I have to stop and think about how hard and wonderfully beautiful it is for couples to grow together and love one another through all the good and wonderful and all the terrible and sad.   Because, as with all things in life there is an ebb and flow to it.  There is never perfect harmony for all eternity. 

b.  If i want to do anything, anything at all...I better do it NOW.  Traveling to Italy, to NYC, writing a book, going to Canada, learning Spanish, working in an orphanage, teaching abroad, designing craft projects, living in my own space my own way, reading books, therapy, getting in shape, building better eating habits, learning to cook better, learning to play guitar...all these things must be done now.  While the time is my own, and I can do whatever I want whenever I so choose.  Right now is the time to do all the things I can ever imagine.  Because life will continue to be busy, and there will always be a reason to not do something, and pretty soon I will no longer be young and agile and able to do all the things my heart longs to do.  So, I must do them now.  That way, when I am old and tired and have lived a full life I can be old and happy and full of reminiscent memories of goodness.  And, I can grow as an individual by doing all the things my heart longs to do.  I must also recognize that the fact I am able to do all the desires of my heart, is a tremendous blessing itself.  Thank you, God.

c.  Regrets.  They are hard to move on from and they sometimes leave me wondering if I did the right thing.  But I have to trust.  I have to know that where I am now is exactly where I am supposed to be and that all things will work out for the goodness that should and will be.  The plan that I have in my mind and the plan that I see best working for my life may not, in fact, be the best option for me.  Actually, let me rephrase that.  I have to believe and know within my heart that God has got this all figured out for me.  I may like to think I need to know and have to know how and when and where everything will be delivered to me, but I have to know that it will come in time.  That also, regrets are a waste of the blessings and the gifts that I have today, right now, in this moment.  The blessings I have are so many I can barely even begin to wrap my mind them all.  I have a job that I love so much.  A job, that fills me with love and life and joy on a daily and constant almost instant basis.  My students are...I cannot even put it into words how much I love them all.  Each and every one of them.  I love them because they are so sweet and innocent and they, like all people, just want to feel love and support.  I hope that I am able to teach them to look inside themselves to find and believe in their own inner beauty, strength and light.  Not only do I have the best job in the whole entire world, but I have a support group of people that are loving and supportive and smart and funny and talented and caring and kind and really, just truly wonderful.  I have never had friends like this in my life, and I am so lucky and so blessed to know all of them.  Each of them are beautiful and bring so much to my life.  I have my own apartment, I have time for my hobbies and I have time to get my Master's.  I have time for happy hour chats with friends, and dinner with my mom.  I get to watch my stupid TV shows when I want, or go to Starbucks for hours if I feel like it.  I get to drive around to look at Christmas lights with my bestie, and get Post Cards from Hong Kong from another bestie.  I may have a few things in my past that I would like to change, but I have to realize that had I not made those choices back then, there is no way I would be exactly where I am right now.  Full, literally full to the brim with love.  And that, my friends, is something I cannot argue with.

d.  Delayed gratification is inevitably better.  It sucks waiting for it.  And sometimes it's really really hard to wait for anything.  (I think I have touched on this topic recently...perhaps I am repeating a lot of myself...but I think what I am trying to do is remind myself of all the things I need to remember constantly.  Sometimes, I get stuck in my own head over-thinking all these things I am trying to sort out, when the bottom line is really, just believing it will be alright, having faith that God has it under control and that I need to stop looking ahead and I need to stop looking behind, because right now is the magic of it all.)  Waiting for something, and knowing it's true value, will also be another moment of magic.  Right now, I think I know what I am waiting for, but some part of me knows and believes that God might have something else in store for me.  Something that's not in my plan.  Something that I don't even know exists.  Something that will be beyond worth the wait when it arrives.  Until then, I have more than enough to leave me feeling blissful.  

e.  Sometimes goodbye is the only thing to say.  It sucks.  It hurts.  I don't want to do it.  I wish it never had to happen again.  I wish i never had to ever tell anyone that I love and cherish goodbye.  but sometimes, life just takes a course of its own.  Paths diverge.  Roads split.  And, for two people to be the best versions of themselves, they can no longer walk hand-in-hand.  Perhaps, we may meet again, but if not, I will know that it is better this way (or I will continue to tell myself it's better this way, until i believe that).

goodbye, my love.  I hope you find whatever it is you are looking for.  And from the words of one of my favorite songs to belt out in the car:

"I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of.
And I wish to you, joy and happiness.
But above all this, I wish you love."

Folks, life 'aint a June afternoon.  With sunbeating on your back and a cool iced tea in hand, with a magazine and suntan oil out.  It's not that breezy and simple.  Well, I guess it's not that breezy, but it's simple.  Things happen, and plans get interupted, and it doesn't always work out like we want it to.  But, it is simple.  Find what makes you happy.  Do that, as often as you can.  Love the people you have.  Enjoy as many wonderful memories as you can.  Tell people you love them and cherish them as often as you can.  Complain less.  Be grateful more.  Count your blessings.  And life is sure to work out as the way it should be.  This is what I believe anyway.

2012, it's a new year....and I am approaching it with a new mantra:
Believe and give thanksgiving for all my many blessings.  
Believe it's under God's control.  
Know that every moment is truly, exactly as it should be.  
Be patient.  Be patient.  Be patient.

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