Sunday, September 18, 2011

Seriously? SERRRIOUSLY? Seriouslyyyyyyyyyyy?

"You have got to be kidding me." Literally, the words out of my mouth when I reached the end of my rope, I had run into the the last thing I honestly couldn't take. The friend I trusted and relyed on and looked up to as a mentor and role model, was full of shit. Seriously. (side note: everything in my life has gone to shit, including my computer so this is being typed from a borrowed Ipad. I will do my best to check for auto-corrects that are inevitably terribly off and incorrect, but if something is wrong I do take the time right now to blame Apple)

Anyway, as I was saying. My life is seriously a friggin' HOT MESS. I don't even know where to begin. As much as I have tried not to be Debbie downer in my day to day living, I have finally reached a point where I realize I just should not talk to other humans because whatever I say will be negative, involve a slew of terrible profanity, and will make me teary eyed. I honestly thought that I was done being bashed around for a while, then Thursday came, and then Friday came, and then Saturday. Three days of straight slaps across the face. 1. an ex, who I missed and loved dearly, who chose to ignore me for months and days and weeks decides that it's finally time for him to tell me he misses me and needs to see me and he can't stop thinking about me...yet, he has a girlfriend of 5 months. Well, he says all these things to me and then ignores me when I text him the next day. Then he promises to call, and fell through on that. Foolish me. SLAP 1. Slep 2 occurred Friday, at an unexpected meeting. I found out this guy that I was really starting to kinda fall for, and who has been in contact with me daily...apparently has someone he has been dating. AND, in case it wasn't bad enough, it just so happens that I work with her. The 3rd and final slap of my hat-trick occurred Saturday when a friend, or someone I thought was a friend, decided it be best to put me on total blast. And not just in front of other friend, but colleagues, peers, and an academic advisor. At which point, when I was made to feel like the biggest fool since Britney shaving her head, I lost my cool. I couldn't take it anymore. I has been thrown about for months. Emotions on high, people treating me like total garbage, and life just throwing every curveball and shitty thing possible my way. I left the room of people that were all staring at me as though I were the worst person in the world, and I got in my car and I drove. I drove in circles.  I drove no where.  I drove fast and wreckless and with the music so loud I couldn't hear my own thoughts.   

I contemplated driving to Chicago. Just not stopping until I got there. Then., I realized I had $60 in my bank account and that'd barely be enough gas to get me to the California border. Then, I thought about driving to a good friends house, and I realized there wer no good friends house to drive to. My two best friends are across the country in Hong Kong, and Africa. And, all my exs, who I used to call in times like these, are either married, engaged, dating/living with girlfriends or wives, therefore are unable to assist me in my melt down. This realization made me cry harder and deeper then I can ever remember crying. I wept and wept and wept, which seems to be a trend of mine these days.

So seriously, seriously seriously.... Life sucks right now. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to wake up. It hurts to try to smile and act like it's all ok. I'm lost. Lost in the dense fog of reality. I'm stuck and I don't know how to get out. I feel like the guy from the movie 126 Hours. Pretty soon I am going to have to cut off my own arm, if I want any chance at surviving. Seriously.

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