Longing

The thing with missing someone or something, mostly someone, is that their absence cannot be filled by anything other than them. It's a terrible feeling really. No amount of cupcakes or laughs with other friends or Vente Iced Black Teas from Starbucks can fill the void caused by this someone being taken away. The reality of their absence is emptiness. An empty empty place in the chest cavity. It's sometimes overwhelming and terribly sad and it rips the heart right out from behind the rib cage and exposes it to stinging fresh air and the lungs are gripping breaths and the stomach flips and cries anxiety.

My whole body aches at the loss. Tears fall from my eyes at great lengths. I weep deep heavy and hard cries. Sadness is in my hands, and it is seeping in and out of my pours.  My whole body reacts to the desperateness. I can often drown myself in the gloom. For me, it feel likes there is a box of bricks sitting on my chest and I can't take a deep enough breath. And a sense of not being able to take another breath comes over me. Then I realize that the only thing that can take the fear of it all being over away from me, is the smile on that person's face.

My reality is that sometimes I remember beautiful moments with this person and I realize how lucky I was at the time to have them. But the thing that hurts is that I never said anything. I never said thank you, I never looked the person in the eye and told them I loved them. I never realized that the moments would be taken from me. As cliche as it is to say, I never cherished the time for what it was when I had it. Now I regret not telling the person that I was blessed to know them. Not breathing in every moment of life that this person gave to me. Daily, sometimes even hourly, I remember the belly laughs, and jokes, the tears, the truth, the honesty, but more importantly I remember the rawness of our bond. It was there regardless of whatever else was going on, or who was around, there was simply a bond. A person-to-person, you-get-me, you-accept-me, you-breathe-life-into-me, kind of bond.

I feel like I wasted the short amount of time I was given. I feel angry that the time was stolen from me. I'm confused why it ended the way it did. I feel unsure of what my next step should be. I feel crushed and unwhole and lost and confused.

This person will probably never know the full extend of how wonderful their existence was in my life. I'm not sure if I ever will fully understand it either. All I know is that now that they are gone, a constant undertone of anguish and hopelessness has seeped into my daily living.

"i can't take back what i've done, but if I could, i damn sure would."


wherever you are. i love you.