Friday, November 14, 2008

Love - or something like it

I'm starting to wonder if I am doing this dating thing all wrong...I think that I have to be around the guy 24/7 and want to think about him and pine over him and consume myself with him. I never stopped to think that maybe some distance was/is healthy.

I fear I have adopted the senses of America. MORE MORE MORE. NOW NOW NOW. MINE MINE MINE. I think I have approached dating, boys, love, etc. in the same way, and it's lead me down a path that's gotten me little or nothing, when I thought I was getting everything. I have over consumed to the point that I am so full I'm sick. I have not approached a relationship with the right balance and attitude. I have wanted a texting-non-stop-talk-to-me-all-day-see-me-all-night-never-leave-my-side-can't-live-without-you-never-ending-over-bearing kinda thing. I really gotta stop that.

It's only lead me to be in relationships that were kinda like love, but nothing that was healthy, good, or built on a firm foundation. It makes me wonder if I only allowed for it to be so bad that like an explosion, it'd be really big and beautiful, and then die down before anyone ever really had a chance to know what was going on. Was that my way of distancing? Was that my way of living my life on the edge? Is that how I kept myself entertained? Did I not live a life of mediocrity because I thought passion was what I needed?

I asked a friend a very good question the other day. I said, "Aren't you bored being with your boyfriend now?" She had previously been with a raging addict, was never good enough for her parents, and all other sorts of screwy stuff. She is now in a healthy, sweet, loving, kind, giving, and amazing relationship. They seem happy and content, and in my eyes-BORED. She told me at first she tried to pick fights and tried to ruffle things up, but then she learned what she was doing and she knew that only she could change it. Now, she said, she has a sense of calm and peace in her life that she never had before. She's happy. She says she remembers what it was like to be in that horrible hell of a relationship, but even though she may have been living an exciting, passionate, crazy life...there was something that was never truly satisfying about it.

So it makes me wonder. What have I truly done wrong? What can I do now? What shouldn't I do? And how can I not buckle to unhealthiness again....

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