Monday, November 7, 2011


Some days I smile just to smile.  I pretend that I have it all together.  I put on a good show, those around me really have no idea how broken apart I am inside.  I wear a smile on my face, and I keep a positive attitude, and I do everything I can to make sure that those around me and that the jobs I am assigned to do are complete. 

I am certain sometimes that it's the only way I have gotten through life thus far.  Holding it all together as best I can while others are around, and then crying on the drive home.  I know sometimes that we are supposed to talk to other people about things and it's supposed to make us feel better.  But, lately, for's just been better to do what I need to do throughout the day and sometimes at night.  Then go home and let it all fall apart. 

I most of the time feel like  no one understands.  So, I may have someone to talk to or bounce ideas off of and just let me spill out my thoughts...but I seem to end up feeling more alone than I did before I even mentioned anything.

As I have said numerous times.  I have a  great life, and I do not think otherwise.  I know have been blessed time and time again.  I know that I have gifts and talents straight from the Lord.  And I am overwhelmed with gratitude and appreciation for the parents I have, and the friends I have met along the way.  I am thankful for the hard times I have had to go through and the pain I have had to overcome to turn me into the person that I am.  Perhaps this gratitude and thankfulness is what makes me able to continue to smile even in times of turmoil.

It doesn't change the fact that sometimes I just cry.  I cry because I am lonely, and I am sad because I cannot be with who I want to be with.  I cry because I feel I cannot do enough to help my students.  I cry because of the situation my students are in.  I cry because I have too much work to do and not enough time to do it in.  I cry because there are children everywhere that are hungry.  I cry because I want to do so many different things, like get my M.S.W. or M.F.T. and my Masters Degree in Special Education and I want to be a counselor and a teacher and a Program Specialist and a Director and a Leader and an advocate and an attorney and I want to volunteer in Mexico at an orphanage and I want to learn to speak Spanish and Italian and French and Sign Language.  And I cry because I fear I will never have enough time to do it all.  And then I cry even more because I feel I am going to do it all alone, and never have someone to come home to and talk to about it.  I believe all these things are rational and logical reasons to cry every so often.  But, what makes me cry even more is that at one point in my life, I had someone who supported me and loved me and cared for me deeply and who would have helped me in any way possible accomplish and reach all of my goals and dreams and would have been cheering me on at the finish line, and would have picked me back up every time that I fell down...  And I lost that person.  And I miss that person.  And I long to be with that person every single day that passes by.

This is the first time in my life I have ever regretted something, and the regret is weighing down on me.  Covering me up.  Putting a darkness over me that I have not experienced in this capacity before.  I know that like all storms, this too shall pass.  It's just a matter of when, and a matter of me making it through this, and a matter of me just letting the time go by.  It's hard.  Some days more than others.  Today is one of the harder days, so I cried.

This picture perfectly describes where I feel I am at.  I am just walking down the road by myself, and I have to get all the way over those mountains to reach the next path.  Maybe there will be someone waiting on the other side, maybe there won't be.  I know I will have the strength and the food and water to survive, but I have no idea what's on the other side, and I have no idea how long I will have to be on this journey alone.

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