Lately, I have realized how dismal and unhappy my posts have been. Mostly, because my life has appeared to be dismal and unhappy. I keep seeing the bad, keep feeling the ripple affects of the negative energy abounding in my day to day living. It seems tears well up in my eyes at anything even slightly heart wrenching. Sometimes I cry at things that are happy, because I don't know how to handle it. But, what I have come to learn in the very hard and trying last few months are a few things I didn't quite understand before. I am hoping my insights stick with me and i can manage to pull my myself out of what seems to have been some dark times.
1. I have some really good friends. And, I have some really crappy ones. The good ones love and adore me for the creation and individual that I am. They know that I can be stubborn, make poor choices, and be kind of a pain in the bum. But, they also know that I will do anything for them, will always be honest, and help them in any way possible, whenever possible. With the crappy friends, I just realize and see that there is no reason for me to keep them around. An acquaintance or "friend" is not worth it to me. I'm busy, and i have limited time these days. To spend my time and energy on and for people who wouldn't do the same for me is silly. I need to give my time and love to those who would do the same for me. And the people I have in my life that are my real friends are great. It reminds me of a quote: "as you get older you start to realize who really matters, who never did, and who always will."
2. My happiness does not depend on anyone else. I have been blessed and given many gifts, and to deny them and want something more or different would be a denial of the wonderful things I have been given. I need to take the time daily to appreciate what I have, and stop thinking or wanting what I don't have.
3. Life just isn't easy. Not for me. Not for you. Not for anyone. People all over the world experience tremendous amounts of pain and loss and suffering all throughout their life. What makes life worth it are the moments when our hearts are full of love and joy. I can be happy knowing that I have had many of these moments, the ones where I look around in awe at the people I love and the laughter I get to share and the memories I have been able to create. Each person and moment in my life is a gift. I didn't earn it, nor do I particularly deserve it, but I was given it. And, as hard as life may be the joyful moments are still there and those moments are what make it all worth it.
4. Perfection is an illusion. I have always strived to make everything perfect. My job, my life, my house, my school work, my everything, my this, my that. It had to be perfect and nothing could be out of order. Often times it has to be so perfect I'm compulsive about it. I can't stop until it's done, and I can't leave the room until the mess is clean, or I can't leave work until all tasks are checked off. In my relationships, I try to make him be perfect. I want him to like the exact same kind of music and want Mexican food for dinner the exact nights I want Mexican. And I want him to buy my flowers on the days I'm feeling sad without me having to tell him I'm sad. Crazzzy, right? I know. I know. So, I'm starting to stop trying to make everything perfect in my life. Basically, stop trying to control every tiny aspect. I am learning to let it go. It's a slow process for me. And, its a hard process. I know I have to wake up every single day and remind myself that nothing can be perfect. There will always be something missing, or wrong, or forgotten. All i can do is the best i know how, and that sometimes the best i can do is to surrender whatever i am trying to perfect. Let it just be what it is and stop trying to fit it into my mold or my ideaolgies.
5. NOTHING WORTH HAVING IS EASY!!! I mean, seriously! How did I not know this? Real important, valuable things in this life require hard work, dedication, commitment, love, sacrifice, flexibility, and most importantly, patience! My God, do they require patience. This lesson in-it-of-itself is probably the hardest thing for me to come to terms with. I will be honest, my whole life things came easy. If I wanted a job, I got the job. If I wanted the boy, I got the boy. If I needed money or help, I got it. I never really had to wait long for it either. Things just sort of flowed easily to me. I can't tell you how, I just know they did. Up until this year...when, how do you say..."shit got real,". The job I wanted didn't work out this year. For a variety of reasons, it just didn't. So now I'm stuck working in a place that sucks the joy from me, rather than filing me up. The boy I want, and the relationship I long to be in, has been damaged, by my own selfish doing. So, I long and I hope for a relationship that I know may never come again. Lastly, I just want to be done with school. I feel like I am tied down, which I am. I can't go anywhere until I finish this teaching program. It's going to take another two years...which requires me to have the patience and commitment to follow through on what I started. Which I am not good at when that requires patience. I can follow through on short-term items, but have a much more difficult time on tasks that require long term commitments. All in all, there's a lot going through my head and even more so, a lot weighing on my heart. I'm doing the best I can to put a smile on my face and be happy, but it is very difficult. But at least I'm trying.
I still cry almost every day, and my heart has a constant empty and unhappy feeling to it...but at least I haven't given up yet. If I could afford it, I would have probably run away by now. That's what I do. I run. I run away from things that are hard, and difficult and require change on my part. I am realizing now though, that I cant keep running, i have to face myself and my demons and my fears and all my heartache. It will never go away until I figure this out. I'm taking it one step at a time. One-tiny-baby step-at-a-time....