Apparently the only thing that allows me time to write is the inability to sleep. So here I am, 1 a.m., and wide awake. I’m not sure if it it my never ending to-do lists, my confusing love life, or the exciting prospects in my life that are keeping me awake. Nonetheless, I am wide awake with many thoughts racing throughout my mind.
Is it me or is it him? How will I know what’s right for me? What’s next year going to hold? Am I forgetting to do something? Am I really that bad? When will it all come together? Has it already? Where do I start? What am I even doing? Will I get a new job? Should I even want a new job? Will I ever work through my insecurities? When will I have my own place? How will I know I’m doing the right thing? Does he miss me like I miss him? Should I even miss him? Why do I miss him? Am I always going to be this scared?
The best way to describe how I have been feeling, amidst the overdose of questions, is a feeling like I am a rolly-polly. I feel like I am so closed off and so shut down that I am rolling myself into a ball and refusing to open up. I told my friend in a phone call the other night that I feel as though I am trying to curl inside myself and hide, and I am just curling further and further within me. Hiding and closing off more parts of me as the days go on. I am hiding from everything that could potentially hurt me, I am scared to get out there and walk around, and more importantly I am scared to show anyone what I really am. I am closing out people and shutting down my emotions because I can’t bare the thought of heartbreak and hurt again. I have been left in pieces so many times and because of so many people that I am completely shut down. In a way I have never been before and with an intensity that I have never felt.
The world scares me.
I have never realized how shut down I really was becoming until I met a guy who refused to let me be shut down. He continues to push me, very gently, to open up to the idea of something new and trust that there are people out there who want to love and support me and be there with me. But it scares the living hell out of me. I’d rather stay cooped up in my room watching movies, doing homework, and thinking about how I can help my students tomorrow. The more I think about it, the more I realize I am becoming a “cat-woman.” I cannot see anything from anyone else’s point of view, and I am sticking to routine. Anything outside of what I am used to, or people I am used to, and I shut down.
Will this end in heartache?
I feel somewhat as if it is not fair for me to feel this way. I have been blessed in undeserving and uncanny ways. I have been given gifts, and chances, and opportunities that I have only God to thank for. I have had so many good people in my life and so much love and so much support when there are many people who have none of those things. I have lived many places in the world, I have met people from all over, I have a million stories to share, I have never felt as though I am without. I have always felt as though I have had more than I need and more than I deserve. I have had amazing luck with jobs, and I have been given so many mentors and heroes. I feel as if it is not in my rights to have such doubts and worries about the world and hurt and love. I should know that things will work out. They always have. I just don’t know how to let go and believe in my faith. I have to have control, and I am learning, as I get older, that I can’t control it all. I can’t control much of anything, if I am completely honest. The only thing I have control over are my own reactions to what happens to me. If I continue to live and act and react as a scared rolly-polly then I will never open up and start moving. I will be stuck. In one place. Forever.
I realize that I need to see my weak places, and work on those. I also know that in order to feel the sunshine and joy of a close and intimate relationship that I need to trust in the process of getting that relationship or those relationships to an intimate and special place. I feel that I need to also allow my gifts to shine and believe and focus on those, rather than focusing on all the broken places. It makes me feel unworthy and gives me all the more reason to hide in the dark so no one can see my scars.
I have to come out of my ball. I have to unravel and start moving forward. I need to stop hiding. I need to mend. I need to heal. I need to believe in all the beauty this world has. I need to stop focusing on a million to-do lists. Most importantly I need to not be scared.