Inspiration

Today I feel like writing about my old love life. You know, the one involving my ex boyfriend going to jail, or dating being friends with a boy for three years, or having my best friend sleep with my boyfriend of four years.  I feel like purging that on to the paper today. I feel like being an ARTIST. Creating. Making. Taking every bit of emotion I've ever felt and putting it on to paper.

I will attempt to write something today, maybe...but I can't create anything with paper since I have to sit at my boring desk job all day.

In the meantime, while I think about writing a story or two, here are some things that are inspiring me today:







{Nifty Photos}



and most importantly:
{Nifty Photos}

I tried to create a playlist full of inspirational songs and add it to this post but it didn't work, you can check it out here: Feb. 25th Inspirational Playlist

Possible Book Intro!

I've dated them all.  And I do mean all of them.  The quarterback, the band nerd, the basketball player, the shy  one, the loud one, the felon, the super-christian, the cocky, the humble, the wise, the ignorant, the guy who makes you drool, and the guy who makes you cringe.  I've dated the guy who laughs at my jokes but has none to contribute, the guys who never stop making jokes and takes nothing seriously, I've dated guys that hit me, that I hit, others that would never even say a cuss word or go over the speed limit.  I've dated the emotional, the unemotional, the mean, the gentle, the angry, the happy, the frat boy, the historian, the best buy employee, the unemployed, the wealthy, the poor, the middle-class, the beautiful, and the not-so beautiful.  If I haven't listed one part of every man you know then I probably dated his best friend, brother, cousin, or someone close to him.  I've dated cousins of friends, friends of cousins, brothers of friends, friends of friends, randoms, people I've known for six years, people I've known for six minutes.  Guys I've met at bars, guys I've met at church, guys at house parties, guys at friends birthday parties, guys online, guys at school, or guys at football games.  I've dated guys that were roommates of guys I've dated, and I've dated brothers of guys I've dated.  I've dated guys a foot and a half taller than me and I've dated guys an inch taller than me. 

I don't know if it's a feat, a triumph, or just a story or two but I've been there and back with probably every type of man there is.  Some might say it's a problem, others might say its co-dependency, some may even suggest it's bad-ass.  For me, its just what I've done.  Always.  It's what I've known, it's what I've been.  It's what I've experienced.  I wouldn't call it anything but a life.  A life that I chose to live every day.  And I can tell you that some of the stories you are about to read are stories you've heard, and others are stories you've never heard.  Some of these stories might make you laugh (at least that's what I'm attempting for) and some of these stories might make you cry.  Regardless of what you take away from them, every single man, guy, or boy that has entered my life has changed me, molded me, taught me, and has left part of them within me.  It is my duty to share with you what I have been left with.

(thoughts?)

"On Waiting"

"I have always, essentially, been waiting. Waiting to become something else, waiting to be that person I always thought I was on the verge of becoming, waiting for that life I thought I would have. In my head, I was always one step away. In high school, I was biding my time until I could become the college version of myself, the one my mind could see so clearly. In college, the post-college “adult” person was always looming in front of me, smarter, stronger, more organized. Then the married person, then the person I’d become when we have kids. 

For twenty years, literally, I have waited to become the thin version of myself, because that’s when life will really begin. And through all that waiting, here I am. My life is passing, day by day, and I am waiting for it to start. I am waiting for that time, that person, that event when my life will finally begin...

But this is what I’m finding: This is it, in the best possible way. That thing I’m waiting for, that adventure, that movie-score-worthy experience unfolding gracefully. This is it. Normal, daily life ticking by on our streets and sidewalks, in our houses and apartments, in our beds and at our dinner tables, in our dreams and prayers and fights and secrets. This life is the most precious thing any of us will ever experience...This is life in all its glory, swirling and unfolding around us, disguised as pedantic, pedestrian non-events." -Shauna Niequist Cold Tangerines

These are the things I've been waiting for:

-to be a teacher

-to take my nieces to Disneyland

-to love my apartment and not feel the desire to move

-to afford to take my dad or mom or sister to dinner

-to have the ability to save money

-to write a book, or get published somewhere

-to create something that someone feels is worth money

-to go to Italy, and Paris.

-to feel settled

Some of these things I don't have because of my own stubbornness (or laziness), some of these things I don't have because I haven't had the right opportunity present itself, and some of these things haven't happened because I just don't have the money.  Regardless, they are all possibilities.  They are all things I can have if I work hard at them, and I persevere through the struggles that it takes for me to obtain them.  I should stop waiting to have these things, and instead make them happen!!  I know I can.  I know exactly how to get all of these things.  Some of these things I could have had earlier than now but I have let my own fear of failure get in the way of pursuing my dreams.

Today I resolve to stop waiting.

Today I will get off my bum and do what needs to be done.

Today I will stop waiting and start living.

Today is the day I have been waiting for.

(now lets hope today is also the day I start being serious about going to the gym)

When Did I Get This Fat

I know you're thinking: you're not fat.  And I may not be.  But none of my pants fit anymore.  I had to go out and buy new pants.  AND for the first time, I had to buy LARGE shirts.  Mediums don't fit me.  The size itself tells me I'm big.  Large size shirts = large sized girl.   So you can tell me I'm not fat all you want, but I'm fat.

I don't know what happened, or how I got fat, or how to make it go away.  But I want it to stop.  I hate every picture I take.  I always wind up wearing sweats even when its totally inappropriate.  I don't wear tank tops because I don't want to show my fat arms.  And every time I go to the gym and the machine asks me to enter my weight, I enter it really fast so that no one near by sees how fat I've gotten.  I almost feel like lying to the machine so people won't judge me at the gym for being slightly obese.

I mostly blame this on my move to Chicago.  This place is full of fattening foods, and comfort food.  Plus it's FREEZING cold and so naturally my body stores fat.  A lovely side affect of winter weather.  It's not bad enough that it is below thirty every day, but hey, lets put a few added pounds on your ass and thighs!

Ughh...

Dr. Henry Cloud

He is a famous therapist who I am friends with on facebook.  He is a very technological therapist (with lots of published books), I feel like he never sleeps.  Anyway: today he wrote something on his facebook that seemed quite intriguing.

Question: is what you are doing sustainable? Think about some area of your life, whether work or personal, or emotional, and put it to the sustainability test. "Can you keep doing what you are doing for an ongoing amount of time?" If you could, that would mean that it is sustaining itself, or said another way, you are finding enough resources to keep "it" going.  If not, it may be a sign that you need to make some sort of change, or just make sure that this is not "just a season." A CPA could not keep up the pace of March, but he or she knows that after April 15th, the pace will change. If you are in a known season, and overextended, that may be ok. The problem comes when a "season" becomes a "pattern."  If you are in a pattern that you do not want to go on indefinitely, think of what you can do to make a change that will get you to a sustainable place.

This sustainability question session got me thinking about my current situation.  Currently I am in a place where I am living a life that is not something I can sustain for a long period of time.  Having hardly any friends, feeling like my work life is empty, having nothing to do in my free time but shop, having no one to share life with besides my boyfriend...that is hardly living at all.  I go home, I make dinner, I watch TV, i sleep, i get up, go to work, go home, make dinner, watch tv, sleep, get up...(okay, you get the picture).  Basically my day to day living has no living in it.  I'm just living on a plateau going no where and walking the same way every day.  I don't know how much longer I can sustain life this way. 

So, the next question is : do i try to sustain life in L.A. which has been invariably calling my name?

I heart

today is a day for the things i love:

♥sharpies:

 
♥art:

 

 ♥california:

♥bokeh:

 

♥moon sets:

♥literature:



♥my friends:
 
 ♥photography: 

Tiger Tiger Tiger

Today Tiger gave his speech/apology to the world, or to those people who didn't boycott it.  Personally, I think Tiger did a fine job.  Could you imagine having to apologize to BILLIONS of people for your mistake.  Just imagine how you felt when you were younger and you broke your mom's favorite vase, or crashed your parents car, or did something totally stupid...and you had to admit it to your parents, or your best friend, or someone else you really care about.  How horrible was that?  Didn't you just feel so bad, and like such a disappointment?  Well multiply that feeling times A BILLION (literally), and try to apologize.  Considering the circumstances, and knowing how many people Tiger let down, I think he did a fine job.

Tiger is clearly working towards being a better man and restoring his marriage.  He is taking steps to work through the therapeutic process of restoring his mental health, he is attempting to heal his marriage, and his biggest concern was the well being of his family through all all of his personal wrong doings.

So to a very specific bitch that I know judged Tiger like she was perfect...go screw yourself.  I know you think you know what's best...but for one minute of the day can you give someone a fucking break...I know you think that "tiger woods sounds like a tool" and that "this whole thing is the some of the most atrocious shit I've seen" but can you HONESTLY tell me you've never had to apologize to anyone?

Yes, Tiger is responsible for getting himself into this situation, and yes it is Tiger's bad for cheating on his wife.  But he is doing the best he can.  People make mistakes.  People fall down and make poor choices and do dumb things sometimes.  They act like idiots, and ignore what really matters.  Every single person has done something they regret, or they would take back, or something they wish they had never done to begin with...but what Tiger has shown is that he isn't just backing out when it's easy.  He isn't just walking away from his marriage and his kids and family.  He is taking the hard steps of dealing with the issue.


Most people in this world are too scared of therapy or too scared of themselves to actually look in the mirror and face their shit.  So, although many people would disagree with me, my hats off to you Tiger.  For being the better man and taking the high road.   Congrats on working it out in therapy.  My hope is that you don't find yourself back in this situation and you really work it out with your loving and supportive wife, and that your kids don't have to feel this pain again.

And just remember folks: