July 9

How do I clear my head WHEN THERE'S SO MUCH i DON'T UNDERSTAND, SO MUCH I COULDNT UNDERSTAND MORE FULLY, SO MUCH PAIN, SO MUCH FEAR. pAIN FROM WHAT i'VE HAD TO GO THROUGH. pAIN OF WHAT I'VE SEEN. fEAR THAT IT WILL ALL COME BACK AGAIN. fEAR THAT ONE DAY i WILL WIND UP BACK IN THAT HORRIBLE DARK PLACE. sO MUCH FEAR THAT i HIDE IN MYSELF. sO MUCH FEAR THAT I DO NOT LET A SINGLE PERSON INTO MY LIFE. nO ONE IS CLOSE TO ME, NOT A SINGLE PERSON. i'VE PUSHED THEM ALL SO FAR AWAY. i'VE PUSHED AND i'VE PUSHED AND i'VE PUSHED. iT'S THESE UNBREAKABLE WALLS THAT i'VE BUILT UP & i'M NOT LETTING A SINGLE PERSON IN.

i FIND THE FLAWS IN EVERYTHING.
i DONT ALLOW MYSELF TO BE OPEN AND AVAILIABLE.
i HIDE.
i CRY ON THE INSIDE, NEVER ON THE OUTSIDE.
i CAN'T FUNCTION.
i HAVE PANIC aTTACKS.
i WANT TO SCREAM.
i WANT TO CRY.
i WANT TO CRY EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY SINGLE DAY OF EVERY SINGLE HOUR.

i WANT TO RIP MY SOUL OUT OF MY BODY AND START OVER.
i WANT TO BE SOMEONE ELSE.
i WANT TO BE SOMEONE ELSE.
i WANT TO BE SOMEWHERE ELSE.
nO i DONT.
i WANT TO BE ME.
bUT NOT IN this life; NOT FACING THESE ISSUES.
i WANT TO TRUST PEOPLE.
i WANT TO NOT FEAR THE WORLD.
i WANT TO NOT WANT TO CRY.
i WANT TO SAY NO.
i WANT TO START OVER.
i WANT TO BE SOMEONE ELSE.
i WANT TO BE SMARTER,
RICHER
FASTER
PRETTIER
SKINNIER.
i WANT TO BE ALL THAT i'M NOT.

i WANT TO BE LESS RECKLESS; I WANT TO BE LESS CAREFUL.
i WANT TO KNOW WHAT I WANT AND WHY I WANT IT.
i WANT TO FORGET WHAT i'VE BEEN THROUGH.
i WANT TO FORGET WHAT i KNOW.
i WANT TO BE LESS AWARE.
hAPPIER.
nIAEVE.
i WANT TO CARRY MYSELF IN A WAY THAT MAKES PEOPLE NOTICE.

i WANT TO JUDGE PEOPLE LESS.
i WANT TO FEEL JUDGED LESS.
i WANT MORE PATIENCE.
i WANT LESS ATTITUDE.
i WANT TO BE MORE COMPASSIONATE.
i WANT TO BE HAPPY.
i DONT WANT TO CRY.
i DONT WANT TO FEEL PANIC.
i DONT WANT TO FEEL LIKE I NEED TO CRY.
i NEED TO CRY.
i DONT WANT TO.
i WANT TO BE SOMEONE ELSE, SOMEWHERE ELSE.
i WANT TO FORGET.
i CANT FORGET.
i'LL NEVER FORGET.