Just a Few Words



"I’d like to repeat the advice that I gave you before, in that I think you really should make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt.So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future.The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."
-Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild

"I Was Here"

I wanna leave my footprints on the sands of time
Know there was something that, and something that I left behind
When I leave this world, I'll leave no regrets
Leave something to remember, so they won't forget

I was here
I lived, I loved
I was here
I did, I've done, everything that I wanted
And it was more than I thought it would be
I will leave my mark so everyone will know
I was here

I want to say I lived each day, until I die
And know that I meant something in, somebody's life
The hearts I have touched, will be the proof that I leave
That I made a difference, and this world will see

I was here
I lived, I loved
I was here
I did, I've done, everything that I wanted
And it was more than I thought it would be

I will leave my mark so everyone will know

I just want them to know
That I gave my all, did my best
Brought someone to hapiness
Left this world a little better just because

I was here

(thanks Beyonce for reminding me)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLLzkLO8Sh4

Pretending

Some days I smile just to smile.  I pretend that I have it all together.  I put on a good show, those around me really have no idea how broken apart I am inside.  I wear a smile on my face, and I keep a positive attitude, and I do everything I can to make sure that those around me and that the jobs I am assigned to do are complete. 

I am certain sometimes that it's the only way I have gotten through life thus far.  Holding it all together as best I can while others are around, and then crying on the drive home.  I know sometimes that we are supposed to talk to other people about things and it's supposed to make us feel better.  But, lately, for me...it's just been better to do what I need to do throughout the day and sometimes at night.  Then go home and let it all fall apart. 

I most of the time feel like  no one understands.  So, I may have someone to talk to or bounce ideas off of and just let me spill out my thoughts...but I seem to end up feeling more alone than I did before I even mentioned anything.

As I have said numerous times.  I have a  great life, and I do not think otherwise.  I know have been blessed time and time again.  I know that I have gifts and talents straight from the Lord.  And I am overwhelmed with gratitude and appreciation for the parents I have, and the friends I have met along the way.  I am thankful for the hard times I have had to go through and the pain I have had to overcome to turn me into the person that I am.  Perhaps this gratitude and thankfulness is what makes me able to continue to smile even in times of turmoil.

It doesn't change the fact that sometimes I just cry.  I cry because I am lonely, and I am sad because I cannot be with who I want to be with.  I cry because I feel I cannot do enough to help my students.  I cry because of the situation my students are in.  I cry because I have too much work to do and not enough time to do it in.  I cry because there are children everywhere that are hungry.  I cry because I want to do so many different things, like get my M.S.W. or M.F.T. and my Masters Degree in Special Education and I want to be a counselor and a teacher and a Program Specialist and a Director and a Leader and an advocate and an attorney and I want to volunteer in Mexico at an orphanage and I want to learn to speak Spanish and Italian and French and Sign Language.  And I cry because I fear I will never have enough time to do it all.  And then I cry even more because I feel I am going to do it all alone, and never have someone to come home to and talk to about it.  I believe all these things are rational and logical reasons to cry every so often.  But, what makes me cry even more is that at one point in my life, I had someone who supported me and loved me and cared for me deeply and who would have helped me in any way possible accomplish and reach all of my goals and dreams and would have been cheering me on at the finish line, and would have picked me back up every time that I fell down...  And I lost that person.  And I miss that person.  And I long to be with that person every single day that passes by.

This is the first time in my life I have ever regretted something, and the regret is weighing down on me.  Covering me up.  Putting a darkness over me that I have not experienced in this capacity before.  I know that like all storms, this too shall pass.  It's just a matter of when, and a matter of me making it through this, and a matter of me just letting the time go by.  It's hard.  Some days more than others.  Today is one of the harder days, so I cried.

http://theworldwelivein.tumblr.com/page/2

This picture perfectly describes where I feel I am at.  I am just walking down the road by myself, and I have to get all the way over those mountains to reach the next path.  Maybe there will be someone waiting on the other side, maybe there won't be.  I know I will have the strength and the food and water to survive, but I have no idea what's on the other side, and I have no idea how long I will have to be on this journey alone.

Being Reminded

Today I was reminded of a few things from a good friend of mine.

I was reminded that I am worth goodness and great things.
I was reminded that I need to believe in the unknown possibilities.
I was reminded that I have to let go.
I have to be open.
I need to be willing to try new things.
I need to change my closed perspective on certain "beliefs."
I am a constant growing and changing human being and I need to understand that so is everyone else.
Things happen as they are meant to.
My grasp is too firm.
Life will be as it is and I just take it as it comes.

I sometimes forget that I am meant to be exactly where I am.  I sometiems lose sight that things will be as they are meant to be, whether they are as I planned them or not.  Life has a way of working itself out.  God has a bigger plan for me than I could imagine.  Life is not perfect. 

Today I vow to open my heart even though it might hurt.  Today I will try harder at being free to new experiences.  Today I will promise to myself, and my friends and those that have supported me to try to really just stop being so uptight on the inside.  Just really love each moment as it happens, and stop trying to change the past and predict the future.

Getting Back

For the longest time I thought I wanted to get ahead.  I was rushing for the next "big thing" that was coming.  I was looking for adventure.  I was seeking new things, new experiences and new ways to do something old.  I always wanted to be somewhere different, know different people, be in a time somewhere in the future.  The future always seemed bright and better than the today I was living in.  I was rushing through the daily things just so that I could get ahead.

I still sort of do that now.  I live for what's ahead.  I'm trying to be better about it.  Just breathing in the day to day things that come and go, ever so quietly.  Because I realize that pretty soon the future I thought I was waiting for is today, and I don't even know how I got here.  I was so busy rushing through it that I couldn't enjoy it.

The weird thing for me though, is that even though I am still waiting for something that is unknown and most definitely in the future...I am trapped in the thoughts in my mind that getting back, moving backwards would make things better.  I keep looking behind me at all I lost, all I left behind, all the mistakes I made, all the poor choices that have left me half empty and wholly broken. 

It's unlike me to look back.  I have never really been one to do so.  But something about the recent, and not so recent past has been haunting me.  I do not recognize who I am anymore.  I do not know where to plant my feet.  I do not know what is true and what is fabricated in my mind.  I am unsteady and unsure and I am looking back and holding on to memories and people and little moments in the day to day life that I let pass me by so fast.  When I was living in the time "back then" I didn't think about what I had.  I thought I had it bad, and awful, so I was just doing everything I could to get out of it. 

Looking back...I wish I could just go back.  I know it's impossible.  So, I am just trying to take it day-by-day and realize that this right now, right here, in the middle of a Barnes and Noble on a Friday night, alone...it's my life.  It's okay.  Beacuse some things are beautiful about it.  There are other people around me on their laptops, and I can smell the coffee brewing at Starbucks and people are reading and holding hands and sitting alone and dressed crazy.  And it's just life.  Happening right here.  Right around me. 

As much as I want to be back to where I was, and as broken as my heart is, I am just trying to love the now.  Love the people I am with.  Love the ones who I can share my life with.  There are several people I don't get to see, and lost friends, and missing friends, and all sorts of things that have happened but I am not alone.  Just this morning I saw two old friends from high school in the Starbucks, and I was reminded how nice it is to see old familiar faces.  And today at school, I was reminded that kids just want to have fun and laugh and play jokes and dress up in costumes and have fun. I realize that it's a blessing to be around them all day because they breathe life into this world.  These children who I work with every day are the future, and in some way, I am helping shape the future.  That is amazing.

The heaviness of my heart is less when I am at school, around my students.  So, I have to be thankful for that.  It is in the later hours of the night, when I realize that I don't get to hold hands or kiss or feel loved by someone, that I get sad.  I do wish I had someone here next to me reading his book or holding my hand or sipping hot cocoa with me.  I just have to know that might just have to be a part of my future, and not a part of my now.  It's hard because I had it, and I know how wonderful it was, and I was stupid and I did selfish and reckless things.  I guess, next time it comes around, if it ever does again, I will know the true value of it.  And, hopefully then I won't be thinking about getting it back, or going back, or wanting it back.  I will know that what I have is a gift and I will cherish it.

I just hope I don't have to wait too long...I get impatient about these sorts of things.

What I also hope, is that I am not the only one who feels this way.

The Spaces

Right now I am just trying to figure out what to do with all the empty spaces.  There seems to be all this air in my body, mind and heart.  The space is being filled with mostly regret.  Some smiles.  Mishaps.  and then more regret.  I wish I could say I was happy all the time.  For the most part I am.  I am blessed and busy and full.  But right now... the emptiness is ever present. 

True Words in Song

Turning Leaves

Okay, so my friend took this picture, and I can't take credit for it.  In some ways it makes me want to get an iPhone, just so I can take cool instagram photos, or whatever you call this thing.

Anyway, yesterday I spent three hours at a pumpkin patch with three wonderful ladies.  We had great talks on the way to the patch, and some laughs at the patch.  Overall, it was a good good day.  The kind that makes me so happy that it's fall and it rememinded me how much I just LOVE LOVE October.  I still think it is my favorite month.  Although, I didn't enjoy it this year as much as I normally do, the day at the patch helped bring me back to its wonders.

As I was looking back at the photos from the day (about 250ish), I was reminded of where I was this time last year.  I thought about how much had changed, and how my life had really been filled in just a year.  I realized all the new people that I talk to, trust, love, and cherish now this year that I didn't have in my life last October.  At least, they weren't in my life the way they are now.  I thought about all the new friends I made, all the fun stuff I had done in the last year. 

In just a year, I consider my core group of friends a totally different set of people than I did this time last year.  I realized that people come and go and seasons change and people change and needs change.  So, the people that are in my life now, are the people that are meant to be with me in this season and vice versa.  They are teachers and counselors and scrapbookers and old friends and new friends.  Everyone mingles well and gets along and we are always laughing and life is good.  I dance and I sing loud in the car and I play when I want to play and I rest when I need to rest.  I say yes when I want to, and I say no when I want to.  I plan ahead for fun activities, and I do spur of the moment activities.  I am applying to a Master's program.  I am content in my job.  I am seeking ways to be closer to God.  I am venturing out into the unknown and inside me I have a peace.  A peace that comes when life is good and full and blessed. 

The leaves are reminding me that things change.  They are always changing.  Nothing stays the same.  Things must transform, die, and be regrown.  It is part of life, part of nature, part of all of us.  Every single year things change.  Every few months things change.  The turning of the leaves this year signifies more to me than it ever has before, because for me, it's time to let the old die off.   It's a time for me to rebuild and regrow.  I need to keep my roots in the ground but I need to replenish.

And I am constantly reminded of one of my favorite bible verses:

There is a time for every event under heaven ~
A time to give birth, and a time to die; A time to plant, and a time to uproot what is planted.
A time to kill, and a time to heal; A time to tear down, and a time to build up.
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn, and a time to dance.
A time to throw stones, and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace, and a time to shun embracing.
A time to search, and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep, and a time to throw away.
A time to tear apart, and a time to sew together; A time to be silent, and a time to speak.

A time to love, and a time to hate; A time for war, and a time for peace.

Ecclisiasties 3: 1-9