Summertime and the Livin’ is Easy?

As a teacher, most of my time is spent wishing for a moment to catch my breath.  I am running around constantly for meetings, disciplinary actions, returning parent phone calls, attending staff meetings, reading for book clubs, going to professional development or trainings, chasing a student who stole a starburst off my desk, asking kids how their day is going, checking in with those who answered in a negative way, modifying math tests for students with learning disabilities, emailing teachers on student progress, helping kids with homework, helping kids with classwork, helping kids tie their shoes*, having conferences with the principal, having conferences with the vice principal, talking to the front office staff because without them I would be totally lost, visiting with my mentor teacher about protocol and advice, and the list can go on and on and on.  I mean my duties are boundless.  I love every minute of it and would have it no other way, but when I do find myself in between activities, I am wishing for just a chance to take a quick nap, or rest my body for a minute.  Now that it is summer and the time has come for me to rest, my life has become, how do you say?….BORING!

Oh my gosh, I looonnnnng for hectic days.  I wish I had students who had troubles coming to me every minute so that I had to solve a crisis.  These days, I get up and go to Starbucks and strike up a conversation with the Half-n-Half because no one else is around.  I spend my afternoons trying to take a nap but can’t fall asleep because the previous evenings 12-hour slumber was more than enough sleep for 3 days.  Most people would think they might envy me if our situations were reversed, but let me tell you something.  Having nothing to do is like having nothing to do.  And then I end up getting so bored that I don’t know what to do and my motivation is down, and then I get bored that I’m bored and it’s a  never ending spiral of boredom.  People tell me to get a hobby.  Well, people, my hobbies are reading books and scrapbooking.  Currently I am reading 4 different books at the same time.  YES.  F-O-U-R.  Because one is just boring.  I also have been scrapbooking a little bit, but at the end of the day when it’s beautiful outside, scrapbooking sounds like a terrible idea.  I want to be in the sun and soaking up some vitamin D.  I want to be getting supppper tan.   But, I have found that there are only so many hours that can be spent by the pool alone.  Yo0u know, people have jobs.  They can’t just be lounging around at the pool with me all day.  Albeit, I have tried to convince many of them to play hooky. 

So, as a result of my boredom and the other hectic things going on in my life…I have become a recluse.  I hate people.  I do.  And then, I end up fighting any invitation to converse with the human race.  My patience level has completely sunk below sea level, and my tolerance for stupidity is at an all time low.  (Mind you I am a middle school teacher).   So, I have mostly shut off all of my friends.  For their own choices really, they bailed on me and I figured that people who bail on me aren’t worth my time.  I have stopped calling or texting people back, the ones that actually take the time to say something to me.   The only two people I talk to are my mom and dad.  Yup, I’m a 26-year-old grown woman who only talks to her mother and father.  Pathetic really.  But the thought of anything else sounds hard, and demanding and time consuming and like it’s going to end up letting me down.  

So, I can’t wait until August 25th because then I can bury myself in my job and my students and forget that life is happening all around me.  I can consume myself with my job, my students and their needs, and not worry about anything that’s going on with me.  They need me more than I do, so it’ll end up working out okay.  It did last year.  I survived, and the joy that I had from working with those students is something I will never forget.  I believe in the beauty of their dreams and know that given the right push, that they will be successful and talented and upstanding citizens.   

I still have a month of this “easy living” and I am just trying to think how I am going to make it through.  I am already devising my plan for next summer.  I think I might end up going to some Spanish speaking country and work in an orphanage and loving on those kids for the summer months.  Rather than sitting around wasting my time and talents and God given gifts on drinking iced tea, shopping and lounging at the pool.

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*Okay, so I teach middle-school students so the shoe tying thing doesn’t happen, but for the sake of the argument I needed to throw it in there.

What’s With Them?

Okay, so at first I was excited to be involved in this new romantic thing I have going on.  I thought it was exciting and new and fun and fresh…and now my mind has gotten the best of me.  I am over thinking things.  I am worried.  I am anxious like crazy about it.  My mind is in non-stop thinking mode. 

Should I text him?  Should I not text him?  Should I ask him to hang out?  Is he like every other guy, with one motive?  He texts me every day, almost like clockwork, that means the likes me, right?  He told me today he’s been missing me all week, that means he likes me, right?  Am I getting ahead of myself by thinking about what will happen with us in 6 months?  Would I scare him if I asked him what he really wanted?…

It’s stupid what I really want.  Or mostly, it seems minor and simple to me what I want.  I just haven’t the “balls” to ask him if he wants it to.  You ready.  It’s big.  i guess?  I don’t think I ever thought twice about it before, but not knowing if he wants the same thing makes me nervous.  All I really want is for him to spend the night. I love sleepovers.  They are my favorite.  I sleep better and I just feel safe.  I just want a snuggle buddy.  Someone next to me so I don’t feel so alone through all this crap.  I just want to know that someone is on my side.  I just want to wake up and smile because there is a hottie next to me.  This new guy is SUPER cute.  I mean…so cute I get tongue tied.  I don’t mean to get cheesy, corny and teenagee on you, but it’s true.  I haven’t been with someone this cute…in years.  If ever.  I am worried I am not cute enough for him, I am so worried I am too fat or too cottage cheesy or too old or too different than him for him to actually like me.  It’s really crazy how many of my insecurities are creeping up and screaming at me.

Being with him/meeting him has made me totally re-evaluate what I actually want right now.  I can’t say I’m emotionally available for a this big serious commitment, which is what I thought I wanted.  But maybe, for now, I just want someone hot and fun and easy going.  Someone who is not going to make things a big deal and who is just going to go with the flow.  I thought I was over that phase in my life, I thought I outgrew it and that I was over it…but perhaps it’s what I need right now.  Just someone who will make me smile and feel good (when my insecurities aren’t at the forefront of my mind).    Not that any of those are his fault.  He tells me all the time how hot I am and how much he likes me daily.  I should trust that and not worry about what my own brain thinks.  I just don’t know what I want.  Really, I don’t know what he wants.  And it’s too early to ask.

It’s driving me mad.  Literally.  I hate it… I’m much better with comfortable things.  This should be exciting, right?  I should be pumped that I have a new romantic love interest.  I just hate not knowing when it will end, or when it will even start.  I get all in a twist not knowing what to say or what to do or what to expect.  Are we going to hang out?  What should we do?  Does he like hanging out with me?  Does he want to do something fun?  Does he want to do something mellow?  Will he want to hang out the nights/times that I have plans?  Should I ask him to hang out?  Should I wait for him to ask me?  Why is there even a game element to this whole thing at all anyways…BahHumBug!

This song is the only thing calming me down right now.  Javier Colon’s rendition of Coldplay’s song “Fix You.”

Javier Colon - Fix You

Tight Chest Pain

It’s a little thing called anxiety.  I used to believe it was just a myth.  That anything you wanted to make go away that had to do with your body, you could.  I believed that anxiety was all a part of the mind and that nothing would be greater than your own ability to think away the anxiety.  I used to believe that people were making this stuff up.  NO WAY!  It can’t be that bad.  Then…one night, i began to realize, on a real level, what anxiety really was.  I’m not exactly sure what gave me anxiety that first night but I remember the feeling.  I thought my heart was going to literally explode.  It felt like it was about ready to burst inside my chest cavity.  I felt like I was about to throw up, and like my stomach was full of acid.  I had a slow murmur in the back of my head and it seemed as though I would literally stop breathing at any moment.  Pretty scary feeling.  It’s been coming and going through the years, some days worse than others, never unmanageable.   Just uncomfortable, and semi-scary.

Currently I have had the annoying tight chest pain/my heart is going to explode feeling for the past few days.  There are a variety of events that have made me fall into this numbing anxiety level.  Mostly, it’s the uncertainty that is surrounding me.  I’m overly concerned for more than one person that I love dearly.  Each person has a different reason for me to be worried, all of which very valid.  One of them I miss more than ever and haven’t heard from in a long time.  I’m worried if they are okay, I’m worried what’s been going on, and I’m worried if they know that they are loved.  Another person that is probably the closest person to me in my life, is at a crux in his health.  I have no control or any say in the situation, so I am forced to sit back and watch and do nothing.  If you know me at all, you will know that this is a very hard for me.  Nearly impossible.  The other person that I am very concerned about is probably just as close to me as the last one that I mentioned.   I am worried for this person because I am not sure what is going on.  Again, it’s hard for me to sit back and let things be as they are and have no say in how that is.  There is also another situation in my life that is causing me some anxiety: a new relationship.  Now, well it’s all very exciting and fun and great, it still sends my nerves through a huge shock wave.  does he really like me?  does he really mean what he said?  does he miss me when he’s not with me?  does he think the things that I do?  How can i be thinking about a boy when all these other big things are going on in my life?  Am I a terrible person for wanting something good when the people I love are in pain?  What if this guy doesn’t like me?  Right now, he seems to be the only thing to distract me, then what if he goes away? 

Mostly, this tight chest pain is filling up my life and it’s causing me to sleep terribly.  It’s causing my mind to feel like it is constantly in flight or fight mode.  Always alert, overly active, and filled with constant thoughts.  I can’t get a moment of peace.  I try to put on my headphones and drown out my own voice (usually what helps me) but even that is not working.   I’m not sure what to do.  I can take deep breaths.  I can keep trying to drown out my own thoughts with loud noises.  I can try to take a walk or work out.  I don’t know.  All I know is that my heart feels like it is going to detonate right beneath my rib cage.

I think I know the cure, or a way to slightly numb the pain, but that wont happen for at least another two days…until then…wish me luck.

 

“Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark. In the hopeless swamp
of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all, do not let the hero in your soul perish
and leave only frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach.
The world you desire can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.”
(-ayn rand-)

Sure Thing

Can't get this song out of my head, and I can't take it off repeat on my ipod.

MIGUEL "SURE THING":

Love You Like a Brother
Treat you like a friend
Respect you like a lover
You could bet that
Never gotta sweat that

If you be the cash. I'll be the rubberband
You be the match, Imma be your fuse
Boom!
Painter baby you could be the muse
I'm the reporter baby you could be the news
Cause your the cigarette and I'm the smoker
We raise a bet...Cause you're tha joker
Truth tho...
You are the chalk and I could be the blackboard
And you can be the talk and I could be the walk

Even when the sky comes falling
Even when the sun don't shine
I got faith in you and I
So put your pretty little hand in mine
Even when we're down to the wire babe
Even when it's do or die
We can do it baby simple and plain
Cause This Love Is a Sure Thing

You could be the lover I'll be the fighter babe
If I'm the blunt you could be the lighter babe
Fire it up!
Writer babe you could be the quote
If I'm the lyric baby you could be the note
Record that!
Saint, I'm a sinner, prize, I'm a winner
And it's you
What can I do to deserve that
Paper baby I'll be the pen
Say that I'm the one cause you are ten
real and not pretend!

Even when the sky comes fallin
Even when the sun don't shine
I got faith in you and I
So put your pretty lil hand in mine
Even when were down to the wire babe
Even when it's do or die

Just the Way You Are

“First rule, never let em change you
Rule two, do you to the fullest
And never be ashamed to
Your just good at what they can't do
And they hate that, they wanna paint you
In they color, put you on another
But what they don't accept, and what they don't see
The best thing is what you already be.”
–Lupe Fiasco (Just the Way You Are, Intro)

Sometimes Things Change

I guess sometimes it does all change.  Maybe not when you expect it to, or in the way you expect it to, but it changes.  You are reminded of why the sun shines again and what it’s like to feel light and free and happy.  You are reminded of the good times and reminded that there are good people and good things still in store for you.  Sometimes, you think you know exactly what you want and exactly what will make you happy, and then you don’t get it.  And, you think: man, this is it.  this isn’t going to work for me.  I’m going to be depressed and sad and things aren’t going to work out and life is going to be not as a planned and things are going to be shitty for a while and somehow I am going to have to find hope in a world where I don’t necessarily want to be.

But then something happens.

Something unexpected happens.

And all the things that you thought you knew you wanted still exist, somewhere.  But, the new thing distracts you from what you are missing and reminds you of what it’s like to be happy and excited. 

That’s what happened to me.  It doesn’t always happen.  And mostly, it happens when you are not expecting it (which I wasn’t).   I am not sure how long to expect to feel this new feeling or feel this way, but for now I am just going to enjoy the excitement and joy that it brings me. 

I’m grateful for the distraction.  And who knows what it might turn into.  I’m just happy I get to feel this way, even if only for a little while.  It’s a welcome change and makes me happy in my heart.  I haven’t felt this free in years.  It’s such a blessing. 

 

Lost Dreams

What do you do when your dreams don’t come true?  What are you supposed to feel when everything you imagined your life to be slips right out of your finger tips on a cold June afternoon?  What direction and new goals are supposed to be set when you think you had it figured out but it doesn’t work out right?  What do you do when the sadness and tears and lost dreams overwhelm your heart?

To answer any of those questions right now is impossible for me.  I just think about those questions and I keep asking more questions.  What if I would have tried harder?  What if I would have pursued the dream the minute I knew it was a possibility?  What if I hadn’t waited?  What if I am never meant to live out that part of my life?  What if the timing is wrong?  When will the time be right?  What was I thinking?  This is why I don’t get my hopes up, why’d I let myself do it again?  Did my initial fear crush the possibility of a dream come true?  What if my internal navigation is off?  Am I hoping for something I will never obtain?…

It’s the worst feeling in the world, realizing that something you thought was meant to be and something you wanted so bad, doesn’t work out.  I had to grab my chest today because I felt like my heart and lungs were going to push themselves out of my rib cage.  I sobbed and sobbed at the words I was reading.  “Unfortunately”  “At this point it is unlikely”  “since you don’t have a credential nor teaching experience in this field our preference would be to hire someone with both.”   My heart stopped.  My dream of teaching at the high school was abruptly put to a stop.

I LOVE THOSE KIDS!  I know them, I know what works for them, I know what helps them.  I  know how to talk to them to calm them down.  I’ve witnessed most of them cry in front of me about life or hardships or homework or boyfriend troubles or family troubles.  I’ve had lengthy conversations with their parents, several meetings with their teachers, pulled them from class for a variety of reasons (both school related and not), and I care about them.  I check up with them, I remember what they say to me, I care about how they are feeling.  Credential or not, teaching experience or not, my heart for those students is bigger than anyone could ever realize.   That is something you can’t teach me in school, that is not a class that people can take.  My heart and mind is in it for the benefit of the students.  I care about how they do in school, I want them to be successful young people, and I check to make sure they are staying on the right track.  There is nothing that I wouldn’t do to help support them and assist them in life, in school and in anything else there might be.  

I wanted more than anything to follow my 8th grade students to the high school and be there to support them and help them navigate the unsteady waters of the high school.  My heart longed to be the place where they came when they had good news to share, or needed a place to escape from it all.  I imagined them seeing my face in the hall and being excited and coming to my class at lunch to eat with me, or me watching them get dressed up for their first homecoming.  I imagined going to all the football games and dressing up in the team colors every Friday.  I imagined dancing at the rally’s and staying after school to help the students with their homework.  I imagined the meetings I’d have with the parents when things weren’t going right, and sharing the triumphs when the students were successful. 

I spent the last year building a relationship with those kids, something that takes time and effort and determination.  I cared.  More than most would probably think is smart, but I cared.  And, I still care.  I’m worried about them.  I don’t want 40+% of them to drop out of high school and not graduate.  I don’t want them to feel like a little fish in a big pond.  I want them to feel good about themselves, be successful and walk that graduation stage.  They are my students and the kids that I care about a ton.  I don’t want them to be handed over to someone who doesn’t know them or understand them or care about them.  I want them to know that there is someone rooting for them at all times, good or bad.  I want them to know that life may be hard but there is always someone in their corner, even if they feel all alone. 

I know it is my dream of teaching at the high school that isn’t coming true, but I am also worried that many of my students’ dreams will be lost in the next four years too.  I just hope they know that they can always come back and I will help them no matter what.  Right now, an occasional visit doesn’t feel like enough.    I want to be there, at the high school, with them.  I want to be there rooting them on.  I want to be there teaching them so much more and helping them be well educated and upstanding young people.  I want them to know that they are the future and hope for this world and they have to be bigger and better and stronger than they even think they can be.  I want them to know that they are special, and smart, and talented and that they have something to offer to the world.  I want them to know that they have gifts and big hearts and funny quirks and that they are wonderfully unique. 

I will miss you 8th grade class of 2011.  You were my first set of students and you will forever hold a special place in my heart.  Remember to be smart at all times, never settle for less and strive to be better.

“Excellence is the result of caring more than others think wise,
risking more than others think safe,
dreaming more than others think practical,
and expecting more than others think possible.”