On Turning 26.

When I was younger I dreamed that at this point in my life that I would have 4 children and be married in a house with a white picket fence.  I would have two puppies playing in the backyard and Keegan, Kenzi, Kayla, and Kolby would be happy and blonde and super sweet. I dreamed that I would have been a teacher for about 3 years by now and things would be mighty settled.  I believed my husband would wear a tie to work and that he would kiss me every time he walked in the door.  Frank Sinatra would be playing on the stereo and I would cook dinner and pick the kids up from school.  I believed that my friends would come over weekly for dinners with their children and we would play cards and drink wine and sit on the back porch.  I thought I would look older, have shorter hair, and buy clothes from Ann Taylor.  I imagined me reading books every night with the light on from the night stand and my husband would read the newspaper.  I thought I would be in bed every day by 10:00 and the kids would be asleep by 8:00.  I would drive a black car and it would probably be a mess from the crackers but I would be happy.  I figured we’d go to church every Sunday and my mom would hang out with my kids when I just needed a break.

That aforementioned picture is but a long lost dream.  Or, I guess I should say, nightmare.  My life is nothing like I thought it would be at 26.  I’m a blonde and still buy clothes from Forever 21.  I listen to music I listened to in high school and love to shake my ass to rap songs at clubs.  Every night is different for me.  Sometimes its Trivia, sometimes it’s baseball games, other times it’s movie night or dinners with friends or late nights at school events or something else random.  Sometimes I’m tired, sometimes I’m energized.  Sometimes I dress like I’m old and have a boring job, and other days I dress in hot pink and yellow.  I spend a lot of my weekend time doing fun things with my mom or friends or random people I don’t know.  Sometimes I go to L.A., and sometimes I fantasize about getting on a plane to Chicago or NYC for the weekend.  I have a full life, a full schedule, and generally a smile on my face.  I mostly think about work and how to be a better teacher.  Sometimes I have homework (that I rarely finish on time because I am so busy living my life).   There is a reason my life is so sporadic and crazy and fun and random.  I learned that life is just better this way.

Through my 26 years I learned that I should say YES!  Yes to the game, yes to dinner, yes to a night out, yes to drinks, yes to kickball, yes to Vegas, yes yes yes!! Life is so much better like this.  I am tired a lot of the time and I spend a lot of my time sleeping, but when I am awake I want to live life out loud.  I want my life to be colorful and full of memories and laughter and jokes and happiness.  There have been some things that I have regretted and most of them have been because I said no when I wanted to say yes.  I just take chances and I move to Chicago or I go on random trips to places I have never been or go out to eat with new people.  I have made so many new friends in the past year that I know will be in my life for a long time to come, and so many new people that I feel so blessed to know.  Friends that I feel God purposefully put into my life and who I have luckily gotten to know very well because I have said yes to new friends and new experiences. 

While we live this life, i feel we all try to search for the answer “What’s the point of life?”  And I believe it’s a lot of different things.  I believe it’s about learning to overcome heartache and struggles.  I believe it’s about growth and change and learning to adapt to situations and outcomes that are ever-changing.  I believe it’s about loving and giving with your whole heart to the things that matter to you.  I believe it’s about learning to love the slow times and breathe during the fast-paced and hard times.  I believe it’s about being the best friend and sister and brother and aunt and cousin and daughter and sons that we can be.  It’s about taking what our parents taught (or didn’t teach) us and making the right choices that are mindful of others and that take into consideration other’s feelings.  I believe life is about laughing with the best of friends and hoping for the best outcomes for yourself and for others.  I believe that it’s about taking chances.  Mostly I believe it’s about having faith in the fact that God has made you into a perfect being and person and that there is nothing that has gone overlooked.  But, what I am learning to understand on my 26th birthday is that it’s about saying YES!  I feel so blessed and lucky to have the memories that I have because of the times that I said yes.  I just look back on my life and I realize that I said yes to so many different experiences and because of that I have many memories full of smiles and joy and wonderful times.  Things and chances that I know I will never get the opportunity to do again, but I thankfully and with a full heart, I am glad that I did when the time came.


Thank you Life and God for allowing me the heart to say YES so that I can feel full and blessed and loved and happy as I move forward into my 26th year.

I thought I would be depressed I was getting older and my life wasn’t where I thought it would be but as I look back, I am so lucky to have done what I have done and know the people that I know and have the memories that I have.

Life has been good to me.

Words I Never Said

The other day I heard a song on the radio that inspired me to think of the words that I never said.  I thought about the words I’d want to say to those people that have long sense left my life, I thought about the words I’d say if some came back in to my life, and more importantly I thought about the words that I would say to those people that are still in my life.  I wanted to write them down or get them out before the chance to say them is gone.   The sad thing is that the words that are eating me up inside are words I want to say to someone in my life right now, and I see them on a daily basis that I am not allowed to say these words to them for a variety of reasons.  So I am forced to share them anonymously either on this blog or written in ink in the journal next to my bed.  Today, many of these unsaid words have been on my mind and I just feel the need to get them out. 

Here’s to the sanity of myself and to all of those that I love and would not be who I am without.  Here are the words that I may never get the chance to say in any other capacity.

I love you.  I really do.  More than you will ever know.  More than you could ever understand.  You have changed me in ways I did not even know were possible and you forced me to see the world through new eyes.  You showed me life is beautiful and messy and full of hopes and dreams and wonderful things, but also that there are dark places that many people should never have to know.  You showed me what it’s like to have a hope in something of value.  Hope in the future and hope in the beauty of a life that is better.  By knowing you and getting to know you I have learned to love in a new way.  Learned to love in a way that means accepting.  Really truly accepting all the good and all the bad and not trying to change, but trying to live inside the person that you are and be the most wonderful version of yourself.   You showed me that love doesn’t mean fixing, changing or altering, but believing in the goodness.  I thank you for showing me the blessings in the every day life.  For sharing your talents, your secrets, your hopes, your dreams, your sadness, your joy, your fears, your jokes, your painful beginnings and more importantly thank you for trusting me.  I know it was not easy and I know that things have not ended up the way either of us intended.  But, no matter how far away you go or what happens or how good or bad things get I will always have you on my mind.  I will always be praying for your safety, praying for God to wrap his arms around you and love on you.  I will always be hoping that you have a smile on your face and a friend by your side.  I will continue to believe in the beauty of your dreams whether you do or not.  No matter how many days or hours or years have gone by, and if I have seen you or not, I will always wonder how you are and hope that you are well and happy and full of joy.   Thank you for reminding  me that life is about trusting and loving and hoping and believing and pain and heartache and rising above it all.  You are a wonderful person, maybe at times misunderstood, but I know your heart is pure and sweet and wonderful.  I believe in you, love you, and will always have you on my mind.

The Words I Never Said

Not Knowing the Answer

“The hardest part of anything is the beginning, and the second hardest part is letting go when it's the end.” - E. Fritz

As of lately I have been faced with questions and concerns that I never thought I would have.  I once thought I knew everything that I wanted.  I had a nice little list of things that I wanted.  Then I got some of them, and I didn’t know what to do.   Every insecurity began to emerge from within me.  I started to feel scared and uncertain and so lost and confused.

For the longest time I believed that I wanted someone who was  more emotional.  Someone who understood what it was like to feel something deep within their soul.  Someone whose heart ached at indecency, brokenness, and the troubles of the world.  I thought I wanted someone who knew what it was to be sensitive to words, feelings and emotions.   Then I got all those things and realized I needed someone to keep me grounded when I let my feelings and emotions fly off the hinges (which happens more often than it should).

I have had to let go of more than I have wanted to lately.  I have had to say goodbye to old ghosts, old feelings and old habits.  Much of my past has moved on, and I feel I am just the same.  But when I really stop and look around I am so different than who i used to be.  Even 9 months ago.  My whole life has shifted from unknown to knowing.  My drive in life has changed, my priorities have shifted and I have settled into who I am meant to be and who I have always been called to be.  It’s so different how letting go has really opened my arms up to the beauty of the world. 

I have had to be different because of what I have been called to do.  I know this time in my life is the end to so many other parts, but I believe that my future is bright and full and will be blessed and wonderful.  My calling to be a teacher, counselor and mentor to the youth.  I cannot even put into words how deep rooted this calling is to me.   Since I lack the words I will borrow the words from a few mentors and people I look up to.  

"My dad, I still think, had the most beautiful, simple checklist for what you should do in life: Do something you really love that you would do it anyway. Do it in the most adventurous place you can do it. And make sure that it helps other people. And if you feel there's a genuine need for it, and that through that need you can help other people, you're home." — Diane Sawyer 

"I am grateful to have been loved and to be loved now and to be able to love, because that liberates. Love liberates. It doesn't just hold—that's ego. Love liberates. It doesn't bind. Love says, 'I love you. I love you if you're in China. I love you if you're across town. I love you if you're in Harlem. I love you. I would like to be near you. I'd like to have your arms around me. I'd like to hear your voice in my ear. But that's not possible now, so I love you. Go.'" – Dr. Maya Angelou 

“Whenever you are blue or lonely or stricken by some humiliating thing you did, the cure and the hope is in caring about other people." — Diane Sawyer 

"The way you step up your game is not to worry about the other guy in any situation, because you can't control the other guy. You only have control over yourself. So it's like running a race. The energy that it takes to look back and see where the other guys are takes energy away from you. And if they're too close, it scares you. So, that's what I would say to my team all the time: Don't waste your time in the race looking back to see where the other guy is or what the other guy is doing. It's not about the other guy. It's about what can you do. You just need to run that race as hard as you can. You need to give it everything you've got, all the time, for yourself." — Oprah 

"Everything passes in its time. It doesn't matter how much money you have, how much power you have, how high you sit on the Forbes list, how many times you make the Most Influential list—all of that changes. All of that changes. But what is real, what is lasting, is who you are and what you were meant to bring. What is the gift you were meant to give? And nobody can take that away from you."— Oprah 

"God can dream a bigger dream for me, for you, than you could ever dream for yourself. When you've worked as hard and done as much and strived and tried and given and pled and bargained and hoped...surrender. When you have done all that you can do, and there's nothing left for you to do, give it up. Give it up to that thing that is greater than yourself, and let it then become a part of the flow."— Oprah

Blessings

Inspiration

Lately I have just been feeling blessed and overwhelmed with joy and love and such purpose in my life.  I love what I do, who I have met, and where my life is headed.  I can’t thank God enough for the joy that he has brought me by leading me into a life full of intentionality, people full of passion and a career that is far more than just a job.

I cannot say how lucky I am enough.

^{Romans 28:8  “}And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”


 

livingstonandporter (etsy.com)

Can't Help But Love This...

Insomnia

Apparently the only thing that allows me time to write is the inability to sleep.  So here I am, 1 a.m., and wide awake.  I’m not sure if it it my never ending to-do lists, my confusing love life, or the exciting prospects in my life that are keeping me awake.  Nonetheless, I am wide awake with many thoughts racing throughout my mind.

Is it me or is it him?  How will I know what’s right for me?  What’s next year going to hold?  Am I forgetting to do something?  Am I really that bad?  When will it all come together?  Has it already?  Where do I start?  What am I even doing?  Will I get a new job?  Should I even want a new job?  Will I ever work through my insecurities?  When will I have my own place?  How will I know I’m doing the right thing?  Does he miss me like I miss him?  Should I even miss him?  Why do I miss him?  Am I always going to be this scared?

The best way to describe how I have been feeling, amidst the overdose of questions, is a feeling like I am a rolly-polly.  I feel like I am so closed off and so shut down that I am rolling myself into a ball and refusing to open up.  I told my friend in a phone call the other night that I feel as though I am trying to curl inside myself and hide, and I am just curling further and further within me.  Hiding and closing off more parts of me as the days go on.  I am hiding from everything that could potentially hurt me, I am scared to get out there and walk around, and more importantly I am scared to show anyone what I really am.  I am closing out people and shutting down my emotions because I can’t bare the thought of heartbreak and hurt again.  I have been left in pieces so many times and because of so many people that I am completely shut down.  In a way I have never been before and with an intensity that I have never felt. 

The world scares me.

I have never realized how shut down I really was becoming until I met a guy who refused to let me be shut down.  He continues to push me, very gently, to open up to the idea of something new and trust that there are people out there who want to love and support me and be there with me.  But it scares the living hell out of me.  I’d rather stay cooped up in my room watching movies, doing homework, and thinking about how I can help my students tomorrow.  The more I think about it, the more I realize I am becoming a “cat-woman.”  I cannot see anything from anyone else’s point of view, and I am sticking to routine.  Anything outside of what I am used to, or people I am used to, and I shut down.

Will this end in heartache?

I feel somewhat as if it is not fair for me to feel this way.  I have been blessed in undeserving and uncanny ways.  I have been given gifts, and chances, and opportunities that I have only God to thank for.  I have had so many good people in my life and so much love and so much support when there are many people who have none of those things.  I have lived many places in the world, I have met people from all over, I have a million stories to share, I have never felt as though I am without.  I have always felt as though I have had more than I need and more than I deserve.  I have had amazing luck with jobs, and I have been given so many mentors and heroes.  I feel as if it is not in my rights to have such doubts and worries about the world and hurt and love.  I should know that things will work out.  They always have.  I just don’t know how to let go and believe in my faith.  I have to have control, and I am learning, as I get older, that I can’t control it all.  I can’t control much of anything, if I am completely honest.  The only thing I have control over are my own reactions to what happens to me.  If I continue to live and act and react as a scared rolly-polly then I will never open up and start moving.  I will be stuck.  In one place.  Forever.

I realize that I need to see my weak places, and work on those.  I also know that in order to feel the sunshine and joy of a close and intimate relationship that I need to trust in the process of getting that relationship or those relationships to an intimate and special place.  I feel that I need to also allow my gifts to shine and believe and focus on those, rather than focusing on all the broken places.  It makes me feel unworthy and gives me all the more reason to hide in the dark so no one can see my scars. 

I have to come out of my ball.  I have to unravel and start moving forward.  I need to stop hiding.  I need to mend.  I need to heal.  I need to believe in all the beauty this world has.  I need to stop focusing on a million to-do lists.  Most importantly I need to not be scared.