Blessings

Inspiration

Lately I have just been feeling blessed and overwhelmed with joy and love and such purpose in my life.  I love what I do, who I have met, and where my life is headed.  I can’t thank God enough for the joy that he has brought me by leading me into a life full of intentionality, people full of passion and a career that is far more than just a job.

I cannot say how lucky I am enough.

^{Romans 28:8  “}And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”


 

livingstonandporter (etsy.com)

Can't Help But Love This...

Insomnia

Apparently the only thing that allows me time to write is the inability to sleep.  So here I am, 1 a.m., and wide awake.  I’m not sure if it it my never ending to-do lists, my confusing love life, or the exciting prospects in my life that are keeping me awake.  Nonetheless, I am wide awake with many thoughts racing throughout my mind.

Is it me or is it him?  How will I know what’s right for me?  What’s next year going to hold?  Am I forgetting to do something?  Am I really that bad?  When will it all come together?  Has it already?  Where do I start?  What am I even doing?  Will I get a new job?  Should I even want a new job?  Will I ever work through my insecurities?  When will I have my own place?  How will I know I’m doing the right thing?  Does he miss me like I miss him?  Should I even miss him?  Why do I miss him?  Am I always going to be this scared?

The best way to describe how I have been feeling, amidst the overdose of questions, is a feeling like I am a rolly-polly.  I feel like I am so closed off and so shut down that I am rolling myself into a ball and refusing to open up.  I told my friend in a phone call the other night that I feel as though I am trying to curl inside myself and hide, and I am just curling further and further within me.  Hiding and closing off more parts of me as the days go on.  I am hiding from everything that could potentially hurt me, I am scared to get out there and walk around, and more importantly I am scared to show anyone what I really am.  I am closing out people and shutting down my emotions because I can’t bare the thought of heartbreak and hurt again.  I have been left in pieces so many times and because of so many people that I am completely shut down.  In a way I have never been before and with an intensity that I have never felt. 

The world scares me.

I have never realized how shut down I really was becoming until I met a guy who refused to let me be shut down.  He continues to push me, very gently, to open up to the idea of something new and trust that there are people out there who want to love and support me and be there with me.  But it scares the living hell out of me.  I’d rather stay cooped up in my room watching movies, doing homework, and thinking about how I can help my students tomorrow.  The more I think about it, the more I realize I am becoming a “cat-woman.”  I cannot see anything from anyone else’s point of view, and I am sticking to routine.  Anything outside of what I am used to, or people I am used to, and I shut down.

Will this end in heartache?

I feel somewhat as if it is not fair for me to feel this way.  I have been blessed in undeserving and uncanny ways.  I have been given gifts, and chances, and opportunities that I have only God to thank for.  I have had so many good people in my life and so much love and so much support when there are many people who have none of those things.  I have lived many places in the world, I have met people from all over, I have a million stories to share, I have never felt as though I am without.  I have always felt as though I have had more than I need and more than I deserve.  I have had amazing luck with jobs, and I have been given so many mentors and heroes.  I feel as if it is not in my rights to have such doubts and worries about the world and hurt and love.  I should know that things will work out.  They always have.  I just don’t know how to let go and believe in my faith.  I have to have control, and I am learning, as I get older, that I can’t control it all.  I can’t control much of anything, if I am completely honest.  The only thing I have control over are my own reactions to what happens to me.  If I continue to live and act and react as a scared rolly-polly then I will never open up and start moving.  I will be stuck.  In one place.  Forever.

I realize that I need to see my weak places, and work on those.  I also know that in order to feel the sunshine and joy of a close and intimate relationship that I need to trust in the process of getting that relationship or those relationships to an intimate and special place.  I feel that I need to also allow my gifts to shine and believe and focus on those, rather than focusing on all the broken places.  It makes me feel unworthy and gives me all the more reason to hide in the dark so no one can see my scars. 

I have to come out of my ball.  I have to unravel and start moving forward.  I need to stop hiding.  I need to mend.  I need to heal.  I need to believe in all the beauty this world has.  I need to stop focusing on a million to-do lists.  Most importantly I need to not be scared. 

Quotes for 2011

Since I am starting off a new year today 1/1/11...I am going to start with some fresh and exciting quotes that I am recently in love with, have recently discovered, or have chosen to adopt as one of my many mantras of 2011.

Here's to new ideologies, new quotes, and a new year:

"Wisdom too often never comes, and so one ought not to reject it merely because it comes late."

"Even after all this time the sun never says to the earth, 'you owe me.'

Look what happens with a love like that. It lights the whole sky."

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”

“What is not started today is never finished tomorrow.”

"Don't long for the past or put off your life until the future. The time to live is now".

And last but not least:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” 

 

Bring It On 2011!

December 28: Achieve.
What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.

The thing I most want to achieve next year is to get my own apartment, furnish it, set it up, and create a home.  I think once this achievement is made I will feel free and it will allow me an opportunity to have people over to share in conversations with.  Perhaps, at some point, maybe start a small group or just cook for people on a regular basis.  I hope that having an apartment will allow me a space to truly live and love my hobby of scrapbooking.  I think I will finally feel, again, like a “real adult.”  I want to feel settled, and living at home right now has sort of made me feel unsettled.  Like I haven’t quite gotten there yet.  This way, also, my friends who live far away can come visit.  And I will feel at ease being on my own and I will finally get that peace and quiet I have so longed for. 

It’s hard to think of things I can do to feel like I have my own space because right now I have to share everything.  My bathroom, my classroom, my office, my kitchen, my living room, my cell phone bill…I mean everything is shared.  It’s hard to think of where I can get that feeling of my own space when I am so far from having it.  I am just grateful I can live at home right now and save up some money and not be super stressed out.

December 29:  Defining Moment.
Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.

Like I’ve kind of felt throughout answering all these prompts, there wasn’t really “one moment.”  Since 2010 was so much about transition it’s hard to point to just one moment.  I guess one moment that probably changed my life forever was the moment I got the phone call from my principal telling me that I got the job to be a teacher.  That moment has been something I have been waiting for since the second grade and just the start of fully living into my dream.  (See next prompt for more)

December 30: Gift.
This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What’s the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year?

The best gift I was given this year was the chance to be a teacher.  I am so grateful, every single day, to have my job.  I love all of my students and I love the day-to-day things I get to experience.  I may joke with everyone that the kids are crazy (which they are) but my heart swells and loves them so much.  They are each a blessing in their own way and I love having the chance to work with them.  Some things about my job are not ideal, but at the end of the day I would have it no other way.  I wish I could take each and every one of my kids home and hang out with them and help them with their homework and feed them a nice meal and just get to know them better because they are all so special.  I wish I could get them all to see that and I wish I could somehow let them know how truly important it is to be an educated individual and how they have to find their passion and source of joy for them to be successful grown adults.  I want them to know that no matter what happens, I will always be there to support them and help them and that things might seem super confusing at this age but that it gets better.  I wish there was some way for them to know that I think about them constantly and I only want good things for them and that even if I get frustrated at them talking, that it’s only because I wish they knew how important all of these things were and are to learn. 

Being a teacher, will always be the greatest gift of all.

December 31: Core Story.
What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world?

The core story for me is about learning.  It’s about learning about other peoples lives, it’s about learning more about myself, it’s about learning how to be the best version of myself so that I might be a light for others.  Life is about learning how to adapt, how to learn to say no, and how to live in a world that is constantly changing.

Whenever I do not know something, I ask because I am given a chance to learn something new.  Whenever I know something, or have a tool in my toolbelt, I always share it with others in the hopes that I will have taught them something.  The core of life is about constantly learning everything.  There is never a day that will go by that there wont be a million chances to learn something new.  If I didn’t believe in the fundamentals of learning, there is no way I would be able to be a teacher.  But I want to show my students that by reading, being open minded, asking questions, contemplating, understanding, knowing, and continuing to live a life that is filled with exploration is a life that will be full, and blessed, and lived.  The central story at the core of me is that there is always something to learn. 

I also believe the Heart of life is good. 

December 23-27: Getting Closer

December 23: New Name.
Let’s meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why?

 

I really don't know what I would want my new name to be.  For a long time I wanted to be a Tiffany or an Amber because it seemed like all the rich girls were named that.  But for the most part I like my name.  Most people don't call me by my first name, they call me by my last name.  Just easier I guess.  But, at the end of the day, I think it suits me. 

December 24: Everything's OK.
What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead? 

 

This is kind of a hard one to pin-point.  I always know that things will end up okay, and I have always had that belief.  I guess I believe that they will end up as they should, whatever way that is, and I trust in the process.  It’s being stuck in something that’s crappy and hard to deal with when it’s hard to live by the faith that it will turn out okay.  

I guess my biggest “everything’s okay” moment was when I moved back home and started my teaching program.  I had basically spent the last year of my life living in a terrible situation and working at a job that was, for the most part, terrible.  I had no friends.  No life.  No family.  No money.  And nothing that really brought me joy.  I didn’t know why I had ever left California, what I was supposed to be doing in Chicago, and I wasn’t sure if I was moving back because I was scared of the unknown, or if it really was the best thing for me.  When I started that teaching program I knew that everything was okay, and in the end, I had made the right choice for my life and that things were going to be hard, and require dedication and work and commitment but that I would be okay in doing and dealing with those things because it was what was right for my life.

December 25: Photo.
Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.

I captured this photo at my twin nieces 5th birthday party.  My sister has this really nice camera so I was just messing around with it and taking pictures of the kids.  My sister had hired a “Bubble Lady” to come do a bubble show with the kids and they had buckets and buckets of bubbles to play with, and all sorts of cool toys.  The kids loved it.  They spent hours with their hands immersed in bubbles and bubble goop.

This one photo is one of two that are my favorite from that day.  But this one especially captures something unique.  To me it symbolizes the sweet innocence of childhood.  The park.  The bubbles.  The sweet little hands.  But on another level this picture tells a far greater story.  No matter age, or date, or place, or occasion or time in our life…we are always reaching for something.  And at the same time, it seems that no matter what we reach for, it is just out of our reach.  We have to stretch high and high onto our tippy toes to get it, and even then, sometimes it disappears.  The fragile nature of the bubbles represents to me that even when we do get the thing we are reaching for, sometimes, as soon as we get it, it disappears.  Instantly.  Then we are on for the next thing.  The next dream.  Hope.  Goal.  

I can only imagine that once the little boy reached and caught the bubble that it popped, and almost instantly did he turn around looking for the next one to chase.  But for just one moment maybe the little boy (Alex) reached the bubble and his whole world was set right.  He did it…Or, perhaps, it got away and he had to give up on it, and move on to the next one.

December 26: Soul Food.
What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul?

I will never forget the Chicken Romano  I had at the Chart House.  It was pan-seared with a blend of Romano cheese & panko breadcrumbs, with lemon shallot butter, tomatoes, asparagus & Yukon gold mashed potatoes.  It was undoubtedly the most moist and flavorful chicken I have ever eaten.  I still drool thinking about it.  The location was beautiful.  We were on the ocean front in Monterrey, my boyfriend at the time and I.  It wasn’t really a beautiful evening, in fact the topic of conversation was heartbreaking.  But…the food…that was a whole other ordeal.  That chicken, was delicious and I would gladly go back for it again and again.  

December 27: Ordinary Joy.
Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?

I remember a lot of events this summer vividly.  I had the freedom to go on lunch dates and hang out at the pool with friends and get coffee with friends in the mornings.  It was joyful because for the most part I was free during the day and going to school at night.  It was nice to have so much freedom, and I am really looking forward to that same freedom again this summer.  Regardless, a moment that truly sticks out is when I was sitting poolside with my old roommate Julie.  We were eating salad from my favorite salad place Buckhorn Grill.  We were just sitting there in our bathing suits, soaking up the summer sun, enjoying a fresh salad, and talking about life.  I felt overwhelmed with happiness to have such a good friend that I could be open and honest with, to be able to enjoy the summer sun in ways I hadn’t in many years, and just so glad that I had come back to California.  And I was reminded that my friendships and community that I had in California were the exact reason that I knew I needed to come back to begin with and I was so grateful that I hadn’t missed this moment.