Unbelieveably Precious

I will keep this short.  I will keep this simple.  It's the only way it can be.

My heart is happy.  Deep in its core.  

It is well with my soul.  Thank You, God.

Hello, Fresh Start

Today is 1.2.2012.  I have lots of goals for this year and lots of things I want to get accomplished.  Therefore this blog post won't be that long because I must get started.  Yesterday, I was in bed sick all day so I am already a day behind (go figure). 

First and foremost, this year I am vowing to spend more time crafting.  I joined Pinterest (bad idea, super addicting!).   There are lots of projects I want to make on there that I have found thus far, so I am going to get started on those.  I just have to decide which I want to do first.  It also gives me a great place to find cute layouts for scrapbooking.  You can follow me if you want (http://pinterest.com/thoughtfulteach/).  

Secondly, I am going to be healthy.  Eat better.  Live better. I am not really on a diet or anything special.  Just cutting out the crap.  Working out.  Planning walks.  Planning meals.  Shopping for fresh.  I mean, I live in California.  How can I not eat the fresh fruits and veggies here?  We have year round farmer's markets.  Plus, the weather is so nice that people were sitting outside at Starbucks today.  I have to enjoy that, right?!  

Thirdly, well basically that's it.  Those are the two things I am really fully committed to.  I told my friend a few weeks back that I was going to go celibate for the new year.  She thought I said "celebrate" and she asked me, "Where?!"...lol.  Anyway, I decided against that plan.  I was also going to try to get involved with a youth group of some sort.  Then I realized that I am only in my second year of teaching, I am still working on getting my credential, and (exciting news) I am going to be working on my MASTER'S in Special Education!! Whoop.  So basically, my calendar will be full with lesson planning and homework until the end of next school year.  At which point I think I will have time and energy for youth group involvement.  I might start a scrapbooking club at school for some of the kids.  I might also start doing after school homework help for some of the students.  These things are just maybe.  If they happen, they do.  If they don't work out, then it is what it is. 

I am still trying to figure out where God wants me to be.  So far, I hear Him telling me to just enjoy where I am.  To stop worrying about what's coming next or where I am going to be in a few years.  Just enjoy now.  Today.   So, I let the days unfold as they are.  Just trying to make the most of what I have and enjoying the things I am blessed with.  

Just for the sake of the new year, and in recognizing the value reflecting, here are some things I learned in 2011:

• As long as you're laughing, nothing else matters
• Sometimes people leave for no reason at all
• Things that are meant to be, will be.
• Teaching is wonderful
• Children are the greatest gift the world has
• Not everyone's intentions are clear to themselves or to you
• Secrets don't really exist, if you don't want anyone to know, don't say anything
• It only takes one person to change your outlook on life
• All people really want is to feel loved and appreciated
• Wants and desires change
• There is a family you are born into, and another kind of family, one that is created by another kind of love
• It doesn't always make sense right now, and it may never make sense
• Sometimes (actually, most times) it is better to just let go of control
• Las Vegas is really fun
• Miles/distance don't change anything when you really love and care about a person
• From the words of the year, "Sometimes it lasts in love, and sometimes it hurts instead" -Adele
• I have wonderful wonderful wonderful people in my life.  I try to tell them as much as possible, but I don't think they will ever understand how much they mean to me.

 

It was a really tough year last year.  Probably, the hardest one I have had to survive through.  There was one that was just as hard, maybe even a tie.  I learned a lot about myself, about life, about happiness, about blessings and about trust. 

In the end, it was a year of learning.  Hard, yet poignant lessons.   I go forward with a greater knowledge base and a firmer foundation.  

2012 is going to be a good one.  I can just feel it in my bones.  

26.5

Just slightly over my half-birthday, by about a month, I am starting to realize some things.  Things I thought I would have learned many moons ago.  Things, about life and love and friends and choices that I thought would have just all fallen into place by now.  But they haven't.  As of late, life has been teaching me some deep rooted lessons.  Ones I know will stick with me for the rest of my days. 

I used to think I'd be done learning by the time I was an adult.  I just figured as a kid, your brain would just get filled up and filled up until it was stuffed to the brim with all sorts of awareness and knowledge and understanding, so that by the time you were an adult, there wouldn't be any more learning to be done.  I don't know if I exactly had it pinpointed (in my mind) when adult-hood would start, but surely I thought I would have it all figured out by now.  Boy, was I wrong.

At 26.5 + 1 month...I am just starting to realize the following things.  (let me point out that by realization, it doesn't mean full understanding, it just means a slight awareness.  Like, these thoughts and ideas are starting to tumble around in my mind like clothes in a dryer all mixed up, and everything is still pretty wet and hasn't quite taken on it's correct shape yet).

a.  Relationships are a shit-ton of work, and maybe all the happy marriages that I thought existed...don't really.  My sister told me yesterday that only 1% of couples are really truly happy and satisfied with their relationship/marriage.  Now, I personally believe that the number is larger than that...but who I am to say.  Regardless, the pretty marriage picture I had painted in my mind is far far from reality.  Relationships mean sacrifices, sometimes large, sometimes small.  And they require a deep commitment, trust, love and understanding that transcends through changes in self and in the world around.  It's an extraordinary masterpiece when couples thrive and grow throughout a multitude of circumstances.  When I think about how hard it is to change myself, and how hard it is to grow and learn new habits that aren't working, and the type of self-reflection and self-discipline it takes for me to grow within myself...I have to stop and think about how hard and wonderfully beautiful it is for couples to grow together and love one another through all the good and wonderful and all the terrible and sad.   Because, as with all things in life there is an ebb and flow to it.  There is never perfect harmony for all eternity. 

b.  If i want to do anything, anything at all...I better do it NOW.  Traveling to Italy, to NYC, writing a book, going to Canada, learning Spanish, working in an orphanage, teaching abroad, designing craft projects, living in my own space my own way, reading books, therapy, getting in shape, building better eating habits, learning to cook better, learning to play guitar...all these things must be done now.  While the time is my own, and I can do whatever I want whenever I so choose.  Right now is the time to do all the things I can ever imagine.  Because life will continue to be busy, and there will always be a reason to not do something, and pretty soon I will no longer be young and agile and able to do all the things my heart longs to do.  So, I must do them now.  That way, when I am old and tired and have lived a full life I can be old and happy and full of reminiscent memories of goodness.  And, I can grow as an individual by doing all the things my heart longs to do.  I must also recognize that the fact I am able to do all the desires of my heart, is a tremendous blessing itself.  Thank you, God.

c.  Regrets.  They are hard to move on from and they sometimes leave me wondering if I did the right thing.  But I have to trust.  I have to know that where I am now is exactly where I am supposed to be and that all things will work out for the goodness that should and will be.  The plan that I have in my mind and the plan that I see best working for my life may not, in fact, be the best option for me.  Actually, let me rephrase that.  I have to believe and know within my heart that God has got this all figured out for me.  I may like to think I need to know and have to know how and when and where everything will be delivered to me, but I have to know that it will come in time.  That also, regrets are a waste of the blessings and the gifts that I have today, right now, in this moment.  The blessings I have are so many I can barely even begin to wrap my mind them all.  I have a job that I love so much.  A job, that fills me with love and life and joy on a daily and constant almost instant basis.  My students are...I cannot even put it into words how much I love them all.  Each and every one of them.  I love them because they are so sweet and innocent and they, like all people, just want to feel love and support.  I hope that I am able to teach them to look inside themselves to find and believe in their own inner beauty, strength and light.  Not only do I have the best job in the whole entire world, but I have a support group of people that are loving and supportive and smart and funny and talented and caring and kind and really, just truly wonderful.  I have never had friends like this in my life, and I am so lucky and so blessed to know all of them.  Each of them are beautiful and bring so much to my life.  I have my own apartment, I have time for my hobbies and I have time to get my Master's.  I have time for happy hour chats with friends, and dinner with my mom.  I get to watch my stupid TV shows when I want, or go to Starbucks for hours if I feel like it.  I get to drive around to look at Christmas lights with my bestie, and get Post Cards from Hong Kong from another bestie.  I may have a few things in my past that I would like to change, but I have to realize that had I not made those choices back then, there is no way I would be exactly where I am right now.  Full, literally full to the brim with love.  And that, my friends, is something I cannot argue with.

d.  Delayed gratification is inevitably better.  It sucks waiting for it.  And sometimes it's really really hard to wait for anything.  (I think I have touched on this topic recently...perhaps I am repeating a lot of myself...but I think what I am trying to do is remind myself of all the things I need to remember constantly.  Sometimes, I get stuck in my own head over-thinking all these things I am trying to sort out, when the bottom line is really, just believing it will be alright, having faith that God has it under control and that I need to stop looking ahead and I need to stop looking behind, because right now is the magic of it all.)  Waiting for something, and knowing it's true value, will also be another moment of magic.  Right now, I think I know what I am waiting for, but some part of me knows and believes that God might have something else in store for me.  Something that's not in my plan.  Something that I don't even know exists.  Something that will be beyond worth the wait when it arrives.  Until then, I have more than enough to leave me feeling blissful.  

e.  Sometimes goodbye is the only thing to say.  It sucks.  It hurts.  I don't want to do it.  I wish it never had to happen again.  I wish i never had to ever tell anyone that I love and cherish goodbye.  but sometimes, life just takes a course of its own.  Paths diverge.  Roads split.  And, for two people to be the best versions of themselves, they can no longer walk hand-in-hand.  Perhaps, we may meet again, but if not, I will know that it is better this way (or I will continue to tell myself it's better this way, until i believe that).

goodbye, my love.  I hope you find whatever it is you are looking for.  And from the words of one of my favorite songs to belt out in the car:

"I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of.
And I wish to you, joy and happiness.
But above all this, I wish you love."

Folks, life 'aint a June afternoon.  With sunbeating on your back and a cool iced tea in hand, with a magazine and suntan oil out.  It's not that breezy and simple.  Well, I guess it's not that breezy, but it's simple.  Things happen, and plans get interupted, and it doesn't always work out like we want it to.  But, it is simple.  Find what makes you happy.  Do that, as often as you can.  Love the people you have.  Enjoy as many wonderful memories as you can.  Tell people you love them and cherish them as often as you can.  Complain less.  Be grateful more.  Count your blessings.  And life is sure to work out as the way it should be.  This is what I believe anyway.

2012, it's a new year....and I am approaching it with a new mantra:

Believe and give thanksgiving for all my many blessings.  
Believe it's under God's control.  
Know that every moment is truly, exactly as it should be.  
Be patient.  Be patient.  Be patient.

You Must Always Know

"You must always know, how long to stay and when to go."

There is a beauty in just letting go.  It's sad and it's hard, but it is something that must happen from time to time.  Often times we are forced to say goodbye against our own will, other times we have to say goodbye because it is the right thing to do.  All my life I have been saying goodbye to people.  

Some I have happily said goodbye to and wished them well.

Others, I have so longingly looked back at, hoping they'd turn around and come home.

Sometimes I have said goodbye in an instant.

While there have been times where goodbyes have been said what seems like 300 times.  

I have come back searching for others, and others names have escaped me.

Often times, I have cried many tears over the ones that were taken from me, and I have cried many more tears when I have had to say goodbye not when I wanted to, but when I had to.

Recently, I have had to say two very difficult goodbyes and two very different types of goodbyes.

One of those goodbyes was in its right time.  It was God's time to call his sweet child home.  I know that this person is finally at peace.   The sadness it brings to those the loss affected will be felt for many years to come, but I know how happy this person is now.  I can feel them smiling deep in my heart, and I know that heaven exists and that's where she is.  I know and believe without any doubt that she is dancing to "Impossible Dream" and laughing about all the good times.  I know she is finally hugging her dear son who left us too soon, her daughter whose light still shines.  I can  imagine her smile as she sees the husbands she lost, and her eldest son.   She is in a love filled place that will fill her soul and her blue eyes with eternal peace.  I love her dearly, and she will live in me forever.

The second goodbye hasn't even been finalized yet, but I can hear it creeping up.  The deafening sound of it is reverberating in my ears.  This is it.  Years and years of loose ends and possibilities and maybes.  I can hear it cracking in the dryness of the winter and the rawness of the pain seeping out of my blood.  I know that this goodbye is one that breaks apart the millions of possibilities the "hello" presented many years ago on a cold January night in Colorado.   This goodbye that is lingering in the near future is something that I do not want.  I want the potential and the easy silence this person brings to my daily living, but the goodbye is what is coming.  It's all there is to do.  Really.  I have been falling down this rabbit hole of a goodbye for many months now.  Grasping for air and wondering if he will ever come pull me out.  I have known that he is standing on the ground above me laughing and living and moving forward, while I just wait for him to come back to me.  So, I yelled "GOODBYE!"  and I am just waiting for him to come back and say bye.  I don't know for certain if that will be the response I get, but I sense it's what's to come.

I'm not sure if the actual goodbye is the hardest part, or if it's the waiting that's crushing, or it's the aftermath of it all.  For me, it's all of it.

I'm just in search of all things beautiful.  People say that goodbyes have a sort of beauty to them because they are the closure to an old time and the start of a new time.  For me, they are too sad for me.  

I'm not overwhelmed with sadness right now, but I am in a reflective state of mind.  Looking at the two contrasting goodbyes.  One is peaceful, because there are no regrets.  This woman lived her life all the years she could have.  She took every breath and every chance and loved everyone and took it all in and did all the things she wanted to do.  The second goodbye is the opposite.  It's a goodbye filled with wonder and what ifs.  It is a goodbye that no one knows what could have been had it not had to happen.  

Just a Few Words



"I’d like to repeat the advice that I gave you before, in that I think you really should make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt.So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future.The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."
-Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild

"I Was Here"

I wanna leave my footprints on the sands of time
Know there was something that, and something that I left behind
When I leave this world, I'll leave no regrets
Leave something to remember, so they won't forget

I was here
I lived, I loved
I was here
I did, I've done, everything that I wanted
And it was more than I thought it would be
I will leave my mark so everyone will know
I was here

I want to say I lived each day, until I die
And know that I meant something in, somebody's life
The hearts I have touched, will be the proof that I leave
That I made a difference, and this world will see

I was here
I lived, I loved
I was here
I did, I've done, everything that I wanted
And it was more than I thought it would be

I will leave my mark so everyone will know

I just want them to know
That I gave my all, did my best
Brought someone to hapiness
Left this world a little better just because

I was here

(thanks Beyonce for reminding me)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLLzkLO8Sh4

Pretending

Some days I smile just to smile.  I pretend that I have it all together.  I put on a good show, those around me really have no idea how broken apart I am inside.  I wear a smile on my face, and I keep a positive attitude, and I do everything I can to make sure that those around me and that the jobs I am assigned to do are complete. 

I am certain sometimes that it's the only way I have gotten through life thus far.  Holding it all together as best I can while others are around, and then crying on the drive home.  I know sometimes that we are supposed to talk to other people about things and it's supposed to make us feel better.  But, lately, for me...it's just been better to do what I need to do throughout the day and sometimes at night.  Then go home and let it all fall apart. 

I most of the time feel like  no one understands.  So, I may have someone to talk to or bounce ideas off of and just let me spill out my thoughts...but I seem to end up feeling more alone than I did before I even mentioned anything.

As I have said numerous times.  I have a  great life, and I do not think otherwise.  I know have been blessed time and time again.  I know that I have gifts and talents straight from the Lord.  And I am overwhelmed with gratitude and appreciation for the parents I have, and the friends I have met along the way.  I am thankful for the hard times I have had to go through and the pain I have had to overcome to turn me into the person that I am.  Perhaps this gratitude and thankfulness is what makes me able to continue to smile even in times of turmoil.

It doesn't change the fact that sometimes I just cry.  I cry because I am lonely, and I am sad because I cannot be with who I want to be with.  I cry because I feel I cannot do enough to help my students.  I cry because of the situation my students are in.  I cry because I have too much work to do and not enough time to do it in.  I cry because there are children everywhere that are hungry.  I cry because I want to do so many different things, like get my M.S.W. or M.F.T. and my Masters Degree in Special Education and I want to be a counselor and a teacher and a Program Specialist and a Director and a Leader and an advocate and an attorney and I want to volunteer in Mexico at an orphanage and I want to learn to speak Spanish and Italian and French and Sign Language.  And I cry because I fear I will never have enough time to do it all.  And then I cry even more because I feel I am going to do it all alone, and never have someone to come home to and talk to about it.  I believe all these things are rational and logical reasons to cry every so often.  But, what makes me cry even more is that at one point in my life, I had someone who supported me and loved me and cared for me deeply and who would have helped me in any way possible accomplish and reach all of my goals and dreams and would have been cheering me on at the finish line, and would have picked me back up every time that I fell down...  And I lost that person.  And I miss that person.  And I long to be with that person every single day that passes by.

This is the first time in my life I have ever regretted something, and the regret is weighing down on me.  Covering me up.  Putting a darkness over me that I have not experienced in this capacity before.  I know that like all storms, this too shall pass.  It's just a matter of when, and a matter of me making it through this, and a matter of me just letting the time go by.  It's hard.  Some days more than others.  Today is one of the harder days, so I cried.

http://theworldwelivein.tumblr.com/page/2

This picture perfectly describes where I feel I am at.  I am just walking down the road by myself, and I have to get all the way over those mountains to reach the next path.  Maybe there will be someone waiting on the other side, maybe there won't be.  I know I will have the strength and the food and water to survive, but I have no idea what's on the other side, and I have no idea how long I will have to be on this journey alone.