Turning Leaves

Okay, so my friend took this picture, and I can't take credit for it.  In some ways it makes me want to get an iPhone, just so I can take cool instagram photos, or whatever you call this thing.

Anyway, yesterday I spent three hours at a pumpkin patch with three wonderful ladies.  We had great talks on the way to the patch, and some laughs at the patch.  Overall, it was a good good day.  The kind that makes me so happy that it's fall and it rememinded me how much I just LOVE LOVE October.  I still think it is my favorite month.  Although, I didn't enjoy it this year as much as I normally do, the day at the patch helped bring me back to its wonders.

As I was looking back at the photos from the day (about 250ish), I was reminded of where I was this time last year.  I thought about how much had changed, and how my life had really been filled in just a year.  I realized all the new people that I talk to, trust, love, and cherish now this year that I didn't have in my life last October.  At least, they weren't in my life the way they are now.  I thought about all the new friends I made, all the fun stuff I had done in the last year. 

In just a year, I consider my core group of friends a totally different set of people than I did this time last year.  I realized that people come and go and seasons change and people change and needs change.  So, the people that are in my life now, are the people that are meant to be with me in this season and vice versa.  They are teachers and counselors and scrapbookers and old friends and new friends.  Everyone mingles well and gets along and we are always laughing and life is good.  I dance and I sing loud in the car and I play when I want to play and I rest when I need to rest.  I say yes when I want to, and I say no when I want to.  I plan ahead for fun activities, and I do spur of the moment activities.  I am applying to a Master's program.  I am content in my job.  I am seeking ways to be closer to God.  I am venturing out into the unknown and inside me I have a peace.  A peace that comes when life is good and full and blessed. 

The leaves are reminding me that things change.  They are always changing.  Nothing stays the same.  Things must transform, die, and be regrown.  It is part of life, part of nature, part of all of us.  Every single year things change.  Every few months things change.  The turning of the leaves this year signifies more to me than it ever has before, because for me, it's time to let the old die off.   It's a time for me to rebuild and regrow.  I need to keep my roots in the ground but I need to replenish.

And I am constantly reminded of one of my favorite bible verses:

There is a time for every event under heaven ~
A time to give birth, and a time to die; A time to plant, and a time to uproot what is planted.
A time to kill, and a time to heal; A time to tear down, and a time to build up.
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn, and a time to dance.
A time to throw stones, and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace, and a time to shun embracing.
A time to search, and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep, and a time to throw away.
A time to tear apart, and a time to sew together; A time to be silent, and a time to speak.

A time to love, and a time to hate; A time for war, and a time for peace.

Ecclisiasties 3: 1-9

Inspiration

I know there have been lots of things that have been difficult for me to process through, or deal with, or to let go of.  But, regardless of what's been going on I have been constantly seeking inpiration.  Through quotes, or books, or pictures or anything that will shed some light into my thinking and my daily living.  I thought I would share some of my inspiration.

"Work your hardest. Think your smartest. Dream your biggest. Be your greatest. Love you fullest. Smile your brightest."

Years ago a John Hopkin's professor gave a group of graduate students this assignment: Go to the slums. Take 200 boys, between the ages of 12 and 16, and investigate their background and environment. Then predict their chances for the future.   The students, after consulting social statistics, talking to the boys, and compiling much data, concluded that 90 percent of the boys would spend some time in jail.

Twenty-five years later another group of graducate students was given the job of testing the prediction. They went back to the same area. Some of the boys - by then men - were still there, a few had died, some had moved away, but they got in touch with 180 of the original 200. They found that only four of the group had ever been sent to jail.

Why was it that these men, who had lived in a breeding place of crime, had such a surprisingly good record? The researchers were continually told: "Well, there was a teacher..."

They pressed further, and found that in 75 percent of the cases it was the same woman. The researchers went to this teacher, now living in a home for retired teachers. How had she exerted this remarkable influence over that group of children? Could she give them any reason why these boys should have remembered her?

"No," she said, "no I really couldn't." And then, thinking back over the years, she said musingly, more to herself than to her questioners: "I loved those boys...."
Bits & Pieces - June 1995
Economics Press

On Happiness

Lately, I have realized how dismal and unhappy my posts have been. Mostly, because my life has appeared to be dismal and unhappy. I keep seeing the bad, keep feeling the ripple affects of the negative energy abounding in my day to day living. It seems tears well up in my eyes at anything even slightly heart wrenching. Sometimes I cry at things that are happy, because I don't know how to handle it. But, what I have come to learn in the very hard and trying last few months are a few things I didn't quite understand before. I am hoping my insights stick with me and i can manage to pull my myself out of what seems to have been some dark times.

1. I have some really good friends. And, I have some really crappy ones. The good ones love and adore me for the creation and individual that I am. They know that I can be stubborn, make poor choices, and be kind of a pain in the bum. But, they also know that I will do anything for them, will always be honest, and help them in any way possible, whenever possible. With the crappy friends, I just realize and see that there is no reason for me to keep them around. An acquaintance or "friend" is not worth it to me. I'm busy, and i have limited time these days. To spend my time and energy on and for people who wouldn't do the same for me is silly. I need to give my time and love to those who would do the same for me. And the people I have in my life that are my real friends are great. It reminds me of a quote: "as you get older you start to realize who really matters, who never did, and who always will."

2. My happiness does not depend on anyone else. I have been blessed and given many gifts, and to deny them and want something more or different would be a denial of the wonderful things I have been given. I need to take the time daily to appreciate what I have, and stop thinking or wanting what I don't have.

3. Life just isn't easy. Not for me. Not for you. Not for anyone. People all over the world experience tremendous amounts of pain and loss and suffering all throughout their life. What makes life worth it are the moments when our hearts are full of love and joy. I can be happy knowing that I have had many of these moments, the ones where I look around in awe at the people I love and the laughter I get to share and the memories I have been able to create. Each person and moment in my life is a gift. I didn't earn it, nor do I particularly deserve it, but I was given it. And, as hard as life may be the joyful moments are still there and those moments are what make it all worth it.

4. Perfection is an illusion. I have always strived to make everything perfect. My job, my life, my house, my school work, my everything, my this, my that. It had to be perfect and nothing could be out of order. Often times it has to be so perfect I'm compulsive about it. I can't stop until it's done, and I can't leave the room until the mess is clean, or I can't leave work until all tasks are checked off. In my relationships, I try to make him be perfect. I want him to like the exact same kind of music and want Mexican food for dinner the exact nights I want Mexican. And I want him to buy my flowers on the days I'm feeling sad without me having to tell him I'm sad. Crazzzy, right? I know. I know. So, I'm starting to stop trying to make everything perfect in my life. Basically, stop trying to control every tiny aspect. I am learning to let it go. It's a slow process for me. And, its a hard process. I know I have to wake up every single day and remind myself that nothing can be perfect. There will always be something missing, or wrong, or forgotten. All i can do is the best i know how, and that sometimes the best i can do is to surrender whatever i am trying to perfect. Let it just be what it is and stop trying to fit it into my mold or my ideaolgies.

5. NOTHING WORTH HAVING IS EASY!!! I mean, seriously! How did I not know this? Real important, valuable things in this life require hard work, dedication, commitment, love, sacrifice, flexibility, and most importantly, patience! My God, do they require patience. This lesson in-it-of-itself is probably the hardest thing for me to come to terms with. I will be honest, my whole life things came easy. If I wanted a job, I got the job. If I wanted the boy, I got the boy. If I needed money or help, I got it. I never really had to wait long for it either. Things just sort of flowed easily to me. I can't tell you how, I just know they did. Up until this year...when, how do you say..."shit got real,". The job I wanted didn't work out this year. For a variety of reasons, it just didn't. So now I'm stuck working in a place that sucks the joy from me, rather than filing me up. The boy I want, and the relationship I long to be in, has been damaged, by my own selfish doing. So, I long and I hope for a relationship that I know may never come again. Lastly, I just want to be done with school. I feel like I am tied down, which I am. I can't go anywhere until I finish this teaching program. It's going to take another two years...which requires me to have the patience and commitment to follow through on what I started. Which I am not good at when that requires patience. I can follow through on short-term items, but have a much more difficult time on tasks that require long term commitments. All in all, there's a lot going through my head and even more so, a lot weighing on my heart. I'm doing the best I can to put a smile on my face and be happy, but it is very difficult. But at least I'm trying.

I still cry almost every day, and my heart has a constant empty and unhappy feeling to it...but at least I haven't given up yet. If I could afford it, I would have probably run away by now. That's what I do. I run. I run away from things that are hard, and difficult and require change on my part. I am realizing now though, that I cant keep running, i have to face myself and my demons and my fears and all my heartache. It will never go away until I figure this out. I'm taking it one step at a time. One-tiny-baby step-at-a-time....

Music is the Sound of My Soul

Chris Daughtry's "Crawling Back to You":

Lessons learned and bridges burned to the ground
and it's to late now to put out the fire tables turn
and I'm the ones who's burning now
well I'm doing all right till I close my eyes
and then I see your face and it's no surprise..

And just like that I'm crawling back to you
just like you said I would yeah..
swallow my pride I'm crawling back to you
I'm out of my head can't wait any longer
I'm down on my knee's I thought I was stronger
just like that just like you said I would do
I'm crawling back to you

Time can heal, but the scars only hide the way you feel
and it's hard to forget how I left you hanging
holding by a thread,when everything is said
I regret it Yeah I was doin all right then I see your face and
it's hard to fake it.

And just like that I'm crawling back to you
just like you said I would yeah..
swallow my pride I'm crawling back to you
I'm out of my head can't wait any longer
I'm down on my knee's I thought I was stronger
just like that just like you said I would do
I'm crawling back to you


If I could find away I would to give everything I know
I would take it all back If only I knew that I could.
lessons learned and bridges burned to the ground
and it's to late now to put out the fire.

Seriously? SERRRIOUSLY? Seriouslyyyyyyyyyyy?

"You have got to be kidding me." Literally, the words out of my mouth when I reached the end of my rope, I had run into the the last thing I honestly couldn't take. The friend I trusted and relyed on and looked up to as a mentor and role model, was full of shit. Seriously. (side note: everything in my life has gone to shit, including my computer so this is being typed from a borrowed Ipad. I will do my best to check for auto-corrects that are inevitably terribly off and incorrect, but if something is wrong I do take the time right now to blame Apple)

Anyway, as I was saying. My life is seriously a friggin' HOT MESS. I don't even know where to begin. As much as I have tried not to be Debbie downer in my day to day living, I have finally reached a point where I realize I just should not talk to other humans because whatever I say will be negative, involve a slew of terrible profanity, and will make me teary eyed. I honestly thought that I was done being bashed around for a while, then Thursday came, and then Friday came, and then Saturday. Three days of straight slaps across the face. 1. an ex, who I missed and loved dearly, who chose to ignore me for months and days and weeks decides that it's finally time for him to tell me he misses me and needs to see me and he can't stop thinking about me...yet, he has a girlfriend of 5 months. Well, he says all these things to me and then ignores me when I text him the next day. Then he promises to call, and fell through on that. Foolish me. SLAP 1. Slep 2 occurred Friday, at an unexpected meeting. I found out this guy that I was really starting to kinda fall for, and who has been in contact with me daily...apparently has someone he has been dating. AND, in case it wasn't bad enough, it just so happens that I work with her. The 3rd and final slap of my hat-trick occurred Saturday when a friend, or someone I thought was a friend, decided it be best to put me on total blast. And not just in front of other friend, but colleagues, peers, and an academic advisor. At which point, when I was made to feel like the biggest fool since Britney shaving her head, I lost my cool. I couldn't take it anymore. I has been thrown about for months. Emotions on high, people treating me like total garbage, and life just throwing every curveball and shitty thing possible my way. I left the room of people that were all staring at me as though I were the worst person in the world, and I got in my car and I drove. I drove in circles.  I drove no where.  I drove fast and wreckless and with the music so loud I couldn't hear my own thoughts.   

I contemplated driving to Chicago. Just not stopping until I got there. Then., I realized I had $60 in my bank account and that'd barely be enough gas to get me to the California border. Then, I thought about driving to a good friends house, and I realized there wer no good friends house to drive to. My two best friends are across the country in Hong Kong, and Africa. And, all my exs, who I used to call in times like these, are either married, engaged, dating/living with girlfriends or wives, therefore are unable to assist me in my melt down. This realization made me cry harder and deeper then I can ever remember crying. I wept and wept and wept, which seems to be a trend of mine these days.

So seriously, seriously seriously.... Life sucks right now. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to wake up. It hurts to try to smile and act like it's all ok. I'm lost. Lost in the dense fog of reality. I'm stuck and I don't know how to get out. I feel like the guy from the movie 126 Hours. Pretty soon I am going to have to cut off my own arm, if I want any chance at surviving. Seriously.

Longing

The thing with missing someone or something, mostly someone, is that their absence cannot be filled by anything other than them. It's a terrible feeling really. No amount of cupcakes or laughs with other friends or Vente Iced Black Teas from Starbucks can fill the void caused by this someone being taken away. The reality of their absence is emptiness. An empty empty place in the chest cavity. It's sometimes overwhelming and terribly sad and it rips the heart right out from behind the rib cage and exposes it to stinging fresh air and the lungs are gripping breaths and the stomach flips and cries anxiety.

My whole body aches at the loss. Tears fall from my eyes at great lengths. I weep deep heavy and hard cries. Sadness is in my hands, and it is seeping in and out of my pours.  My whole body reacts to the desperateness. I can often drown myself in the gloom. For me, it feel likes there is a box of bricks sitting on my chest and I can't take a deep enough breath. And a sense of not being able to take another breath comes over me. Then I realize that the only thing that can take the fear of it all being over away from me, is the smile on that person's face.

My reality is that sometimes I remember beautiful moments with this person and I realize how lucky I was at the time to have them. But the thing that hurts is that I never said anything. I never said thank you, I never looked the person in the eye and told them I loved them. I never realized that the moments would be taken from me. As cliche as it is to say, I never cherished the time for what it was when I had it. Now I regret not telling the person that I was blessed to know them. Not breathing in every moment of life that this person gave to me. Daily, sometimes even hourly, I remember the belly laughs, and jokes, the tears, the truth, the honesty, but more importantly I remember the rawness of our bond. It was there regardless of whatever else was going on, or who was around, there was simply a bond. A person-to-person, you-get-me, you-accept-me, you-breathe-life-into-me, kind of bond.

I feel like I wasted the short amount of time I was given. I feel angry that the time was stolen from me. I'm confused why it ended the way it did. I feel unsure of what my next step should be. I feel crushed and unwhole and lost and confused.

This person will probably never know the full extend of how wonderful their existence was in my life. I'm not sure if I ever will fully understand it either. All I know is that now that they are gone, a constant undertone of anguish and hopelessness has seeped into my daily living.

"i can't take back what i've done, but if I could, i damn sure would."


wherever you are. i love you.

When It Rains It Pours

It was a saying I heard back in college when a dear friend of mine had his life turned upside down.  It was the summertime and his live-in girlfriend cheated on him and left him for another guy, he crashed his car and got a DUI, was arrested for some other sort of public indecency, and got fired from his job.  That same time my friend introduced me to Coldplay and I listened to the X&Y CD everyday.  Nearly every song on that able was meant for people who were going through hard times.  At the very time it was raining in my friends life, it was pouring in mine as well.  My best friend had slept with my boyfriend of 4 years, and he left me.  My father was hospitalized, and then shortly thereafter got an infection that could have been fatal, and I had gotten fired from my job.  It was a terrible terrible time and there was rain day in and day out.  I remember that time vividly because it was without a doubt the darkest time in my life.  Some of the lyrics from the Coldplay CD still reverberate in my ears now:

“Every step that you take could be your biggest mistake. 
It could bend, or it could break, That's the risk that you take.” –What If

“And the hardest part was letting go not taking part
Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do just comes undone
And everything is torn apart.”   -The Hardest Part

“I don't know which way I'm going
I don't know which way I've come
Hold my head... inside your hands
I need someone... who understands
I need someone... someone who hears.” –’Til Kingdom comes

“Is there anybody out there who
Is lost and hurt and lonely too?
Are you bleeding all your colors into one
And if you come undone
As if you've been run through
Some catapult it fired you
You wonder if your chance will ever come
Or if you're stuck in square one.” –Square One

The lyrics from that album transcended into the depths of me and spoke to me in a way that music never had before.  I think my friend being in just as dark of a place and giving me music to express the pain was a blessing.  Albeit I listened to that CD at full volume daily, it was the words of my friend that truly stuck with me.  WHEN IT RAINS IT POURS.  Albeit, he did not come up with the phrase on his own, I had never heard it before he said it, so in some ways he coined the term in my mental dictionary. 

At this season of my life, the phrase seems to, once again, be appropriate.  Sadly.  It seems that everything that could go wrong or be wrong or suck or hurt is going wrong or sucking or hurting or causing me pain.  Just when I think I get a moment to catch my breath and break away from the storm, another round comes pouring down.  Some nights this summer I have been in my bed wondering how all this happened.  Just a few months ago I was filled with overwhelming joy and completion and happiness and I was in the best place of my life.  Now, I am sitting longing for what was, wishing for what isn’t, and cursing what is.  I don’t know when the attitude shifted or when things became dark in my life, but I have a good guess.

I think the my outlook on my world starting on a downward rolling pattern when I realized that the world was cruel and unjust on May 5th.  For the sake of security, I can’t go into explicit details.   But, I will say that someone who needed me more than I needed them was taken from me.  People don’t understand that some people (i.e. me) have pure intentions.  I was put in a situation where I had to ignore the fact that I cared about someone and that I was helping them.  I had to move forward as though I knew nothing, and ignore the fact that I got really close to this person over the last several months.  I truly believe that in this life we are meant to see one another through.  It is our job, and my sole conviction, to help people in any way possible to make this journey of life easier for them.  I try to be a good friend, a good listener, someone who cares, and someone who gives everything.  I do not hold back when it comes to people who are important to me.  When I care about someone, I do everything I can to make them feel loved and special and understood.  I also, do everything I can to know and learn every part of that person, good and bad and accept them for what they are.  I’m by no means perfect, and sometimes I do a bad job of it.  But, when I invest myself into someone, I really give it all.  And, when I spend months getting to know someone and learning how to make life easier for them, and supporting them through the ups and downs that come and go, and then they are taken from me for no reason…I am reminded.  Life is cruel.  More importantly, things happen for no reason at all.  Bad things.  Bad things to good people.  And more bad things happen to people who have had bad things happen to them their whole lives.  When it rains, it pours.

I could go into all the details of why I think it’s raining in my life.  But, that’s not my point right now.  My point is, how long must I put up with the storm before a little sunshine comes my way?  I’m trying  my darndest to change my attitude and outlook on life.  It still seems that at the end of every day, all I want to do is cry and sleep it all away.  When will it stop?  When will it just go away and things go back to being normal?  I also have this terrible yearning in me for a relationship and I think that when I get a boyfriend everything will just make sense again.  Which, logically is an illogical mindset to have.  I just need something to get my mind off everything because I feel like I am on the brink of a mental breakdown.  Legitimately going insane. 

I understand that when it rains it pours, I learned that many summers ago in my youth and I am reliving in the same type of season now.  But, I just wish someone would come alongside me and offer me an umbrella.