So...I failed...Kinda

I was supposed to discover one new thing a week.  I lost track after the third week, missed the fourth, tried to get back on track the fifth and then totally fell off the discover bandwagon.  So, I haven't discovered or tried something new every week this year.  Sad, I know...but I haven't given up hope yet.  We're only at the end of February, and my eyes are still open to discovering more throughout the year.


Here's my list, thus far


2014 things I have DISCOVERED are:

• a restaurant with breathtaking views (see photo below)
• a conference (all by myself... new hotel, new people, new workshops)
• a place to walk/run (a park by my house)
• another place to walk (I am so thankful to live in the Bay Area, because it never will end)
• a hiking trail
• yellow peppers (I know this one seems miniscule and ridiculous but I cooked with it people, that's like extra good!)
• I can run a mile in under 11 min 30 seconds (which has never been done in my whole life)
• Chicken & Waffles (delicious, I highly recommend)
• cider (Magners Irish Cider)
• my uncle's nationally renowned bread pudding in Colorado (no really...it's in magazines)

In the midst of me trying to discover more, I have just tried being happier more often.  There are so many amazing and wonderful people and experiences around me that I love and appreciate every single day.  I try to take that into account more.  I have the most amazing life, I really do.  I have people, and gifts that people could only dream of.  I have a job in which I am happy 100% of the time, and that is no exaggeration.  Whether I am tired or overworked or sick of it, my core being and authentic self is happy 100% because I am being true to who and what I believe in.  I am using my gifts and every single day I get to have fun and appreciate the growth of life right before my eyes.  I am allowed to love other people all day long.  The gift of giving love never ends, and I do my best to bring joy to the never ending wonder through the eyes of the young.  My friends make me laugh and smile throughout the day with their silly nothingnesses.  I also work with all of my friends, so I get to go have lunch every day with my best friends.  It's awesome. 


So, while I try to discover more about what there is that I have yet to discover, I am starting to really discover all the things I already have.  My zest for discovering hasn't faded.  I am trying to get out more, planning on going more places and saying yes more often than no.  Yet, when I discover new things it helps me add to the life I already know I have that is great and amazing. 


I won't lie, sometimes I get sad.  Sometimes I get down on myself, and sometimes I get confused and lost in all of this change that's going on in my life.  It's not easy every day, and there are times and moments when I want to throw my hands up and say forget all this.  But, I hold onto the hope that in my discovering I will finally discover the believe inside myself that life is a continuous voyage, not an ending point. 

One Little Word : Expanded

DISCOVER

 

 

I decided to do this little project this year (2014) called One Little Word (inspired by Ali Edwards).  Essentially, you pick one little word that you want to focus your year on.  I chose a word that I believed is truly at the essence of what I need in this new year.  discover. 

 

Not only to do I hope to discover new things, but I hope to discover myself in the midst of being confused.  I hope to discover what happiness is when things are not always as planned.  I hope to discover what it is that I can do better, different, stronger and braver this year.  I want to discover new places, new people, new mentalities, new abilities, new strengths, new inner passions, new drive and an unapologetic zest for all things new. 

 

 

What this word means:

• find (something or someone) unexpectedly or in the course of a search.
• become aware of (a fact or situation).
• be the first to find or observe (a place, substance, or scientific phenomenon).

Synonyms:

• find
• locate
• come across/upon
• stumble on
• light on
• bring to light
• uncover
• unearth
• turn up
• find out
• learn
• realize
• recognize
• fathom
• see
• ascertain
• work out
• dig up/out
• root out

So what does my "One Little Word" look like to me? 

 

1.  I will discover at least one new thing a week.  I decided to incorporate trying new things in my manifestation of my one little word because I tend to stay inside my comfort zone, and I like it there.  I always order the same thing, always go to the same coffee shop, and am incredibly afraid of all things new.  You know, mini panic attacks, mind spiraling out of control imagining all that can go wrong...  Most of the time if I do something new I make myself miserable instead of being open to the possibilities.  I just like what I like. So, in order to discover, I need to get out of my comfort zone.  Therefore, at least one new thing a week.  I will find something new I can do or try, big or small each single week. 

 

This week, I already discovered 3 new things so I am feeling extra accomplished.  I went to a new restaurant with friends, instead of an old favorite.  I went on a run in a place I have never been to, and I tried new make up. Here's a photo from the restaurant.  Totally worth discovering. 

 

 

2.  I will discover what happens when I say yes more.  By saying yes to things I might feel like saying no to I will in fact discover that life happens more when you say yes.  I mean, this one is much like the first one, but it also means that in order to go and try new things, I have to say yes to them happening.   

 

3.  I will discover what I want.  Now this one...well, this one is going to be tricky!  From what I have learned from life thus far, discovering what I want will be an ever evolving thing.  However, there have been some very poignant questions in my mind lately that I do not have answers for yet.  It is my goal, in some way, to discover the answers to these questions to the best of my ability. 

 

I think those three pretty much sum it up.  I was going to be over zealous and make a lit of 50 things I wanted to discover this year or plan a big adventure as part of my "discover mindset," but sometimes simple is better.  I looked earlier this morning to sign up for a writing class or a writing group and then I remembered my life is already pretty busy and maybe amidst all my saying yes and trying new things I will stumble upon a group of people or a new friend that will be an inspiration.  Or I can discover a time during the week to write when it fits, instead of forcing it.  I think having the mindset that it is my goal to discover will be enough drive me forward this year. 

 

I'm excited to see what happens to life when I seek to discover. 

 

 

 

And We're Back...

And by "we're" I mean that "I" am back.  Also, being back is indicative that I recently went through a break up and the most efficient way I know how to deal with it is to write about it and date A LOT.  I guess the break up wasn't that recent, it was 4 months ago.  Some days it feels like forever, and some days it feels like yesterday.  Regardless, somehow I am still struggling to find my way amidst the mess of it all, the shitty people available at my age to date and the empty bed I sleep in every night (okay, maybe not every night, but most nights). 

Here's the thing, I spent two and a half years with a boy so wrong for me and so dysfunctional in so many ways that when I finally got out of the chaos I realized I had no solid groundwork to stand on.  This guy was a simply a space filer, a warm body and someone to spend Sunday afternoons with.  He did not offer emotional, financial or physical support.  He was in no way available or open to love.  He was condescending, uneducated and rude.  He was sheltered, oblivious and unaware of the great big world out there.  At 26 he still lived at home, never went to college and spent most of his free time smoking pot and/or cigarettes and playing video games.  If he wasn't playing video games he was watching sports or going to the movies. Needless to say his mental depth was shallow.  His vocabulary was minimal.  And his life was a small bubble.

I'm not going to lie, as every girl does in the freshness of a break up and the loneliness of not finding someone to fill the space yet, I think of him often.  I wonder endlessly if it was really him that ruined "us" or if it was me.  I wonder if I would have been able to make it work.  I wonder how it would be if we were still together.  I wonder if I am happier without him.  I miss the sex, often.  I miss his foot touching mine in the bed at night.  When I start to get nostalgic or all sentimental I try to force myself to remember all the crappy parts of him.   I know this probably makes me a terrible human being but the truth of the matter is that he is not a good man.  I know and have known good men. Men who are kind and generous and thoughtful and caring and inquisitive and tender.  I have known many a man who may not cry on the outside but who truly feels deep within the depths of his soul.  This boy I dated was in fact none of those things. I could write an endless blog about his wrongdoings.  You would be appalled, trust me.  I will spare you those details.  All that needs to be said is that no matter how much I might miss him, I don't miss him enough to endure the pain of our relationship again.  In fact, at this very moment he thinks I'm dating a successful man who treats me to dates in the city and is honest and communicative.  Unbeknown to my ex, that guy and I broke up weeks ago.  It's okay to let him think I'm happily moving on.

The moving on to someone new is harder than I realized because of the mental ninja fucking my ex did to my mind.  I didn't know how deep he had planted his seeds until I was fully out of the relationship.  Have you ever been through that?  You think you are going to be so happy without this certain guy, and then you get out of it and you start to remember all of that horrible bullshit he used to say to you.  Then you start to believe all of that horrible bullshit he used to say to you.  Then you start to think the relationship didn't work because in fact your ex was right, you really are all messed up.  Then you start to believe that you can't get un-messed-up because your too messed up to ever go back and now you dated a shit head and you figure “well the only guys that are going to be willing to put up with my messed-up-ness are shit heads…so I guess I better settle for a shit head.”  Then you think it’s okay to call your ex because you think it might work out this time.  Then you can live happily ever after.

I have to yell at myself when I get into that crazy thinking.  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!  (Not what is wrong with you based on what your ex thought…but what the hell is wrong with you for believing it).  By this point I am just so mad at my ex that I decide I am going to go on like 5 dates in one week just to spite him.  I will make sure all the dates are more successful, smarter and more put together than my ex.  And if he were to see me out on these dates I imagine that my ex would get crazy jealous.  Then I realize I’m crazy, and he was right.  Then I do something to stop thinking about it, like watch my DVR shows or go to the gym (usually the first one), or I go have a drink or two with some friends to remind myself that I, in fact, have my life together.  I have a successful career, a master’s degree and I am in the process of buying a property (if I feel like it).  I have hobbies, interests and a lot of really great dreams I hope to one day accomplish.  Then I tell myself that my ex is in fact a lazy pot head with no ambition and maybe he will be happier than me in the long run but then I think “ignorance is bliss.”  If his happiness comes from lack of knowledge then I’d rather be smart, aware, and open to the ideas of the world than be dumb and happy.  

Then I go on these dates that I set up, and they all suck.  And by suck I mean that one guy told me “you’re not as skinny as your pictures make you look.”  Another one plays with his belly fat at the dinner table.  And yet another stare at my tits the entire meal.  Then the whole cycle starts over because I realize there are slim pickings these days and it’s worthless for me to try to spend my time out there in the dating world because I will never meet the man I want.  So then I go to Starbucks (where I am now) hoping that my prince charming walks in and sweeps me off my feet and I can stop writing about my shitty dates and my shitty exs. 

Lust. Desire.

It's quite simple really.  I want something that I can't have.  I mean the desire and the quest for it and the thought of it keeps me up at night.  I can taste the rawness of it in the back of my throat and the quench for the it can only be satisfied by it. I think about it every single interval of moment when my brain is at ease, it fills me to the brim.  It flows through my blood and in my brain and in every ounce of my being, calling out his name. 

I close my eyes and I feel his hands and see his eyes and his charming sweet lips.  I can't associate a smell with him, but I can associate the thundering pulse inside my chest. I am in his presence and my steps are out of sync, and I stumble.  When he speaks I stare at his hand gestures, I observe his every move.  How he stands.  How his feet move back and forth.  I listen to the intonations in his voice.  I watch him sit and I close my eyes and imagine the spaces between his fingers laced with mine.

I haven't felt like this since I was a 17 years-old.  Crazy teenage hormoes aflair.  Now, they are ever present again, and I can barely manage to speak without stuttering.  I don't know if the uneasyness of it all is due to the fact that I can't have it, or if there's some undiscovered part of a relationship I am meant to have with him. The unanswered questions, the undone, the unsaid. The unasked, the untouched, the unfelt.  I want all of the unknowns with him. But I am quickly snapped backed to reality before I can allow my thought processes to venture down an unexplorable path.

The feelings overwhelming and overbearing and intense.  Crazy.  Consuming.  The whole idea of it.  I may never see him again. I may never know.  I may not have the right to know.  In some ways, I can't imagine my world without him in it.   But...I can't have him and each and every day my body cries out.  This passion and lust and desire are consuming me from the inside out. 

Where words lack, I hope that these songs can fill in the gaps:
theXX
Citizen Cope
Alex Clare
Sugarland
ZZ Ward
Bon Iver

What I Wanted (Or So I Thought)

Recently I was at a point where I was thinking if only I had THAT I would have everything I ever wanted.  It's like these thoughts crowd and infest my mind and rob me of my joy.  They make me feel and believe that I don't have everything I need to be happy and joyful.  But that's a lie.

There are a few things, mostly one, that I thought if I could just get my hands around it and hold onto it forever that my life would be complete and I would be so happy.  I believed that this thing was the missing piece to the puzzle of my life.  That if I had this thing, mostly this person, that my life would be totally and completely  fulfilled.  I really and truly believed in my heart and in my mind that THIS person was the ONLY person for me and that I couldn't be happy without them.  I felt like a piece of me was missing by not having them in my life.

I was running around trying to fill my life with little pieces of others that I thought could satisfy and fulfill me up.  What I have come to realize is that I have compromised myself, my joy, my happiness, my love for life, my happy soul to satisfy a minimal part of my life. 

I have exactly what I need. I actually have exactly what I need in abundance.  I have been given so many wonderful friends and people and an amazing job.  I have a family I love and that I am close to and opportunities to do things many people just dream of doing.  I have been given a faith in a God that is loving and compassionate and continues to show me that love and grace over and over again no matter how many times I mess up.  I have been given the chance to love, and hurt, and grow and learn and be and change and manifest into the person I was destined to be.  There's nothing short of a miracle in all of that.  I have always had what I needed and more and I have been looking past that and searching for something that I am not meant to have right now. 

Ultimately, I have realized that by selling myself short and settling for scraps and pieces of people, rather than a truly fulfilling relationship that I have lost a part of my soul in the midst of my wanderings.  When I really stop and think about all  I have given up for temporary fulfillment I realize that I have taken all my wonderful gifts and talents and blessings and essentially acted like I am worthless and have no value.  When that is no where near the truth. 

I am worthy of a loving, long standing, faithful, honest, real and open relationship.  I am worth love and kindness and caring.  I am worth a person who looks me in the eyes and can commit to loving me and being with me even when it's hard and when it's not easy and when bad stuff happens and when good stuff happens.

What I have done to get to this point is shameful to me, and I bow my head and weep at the terrible path I have chosen.  But every long and winding road leads back home.  I have been on this road for far too long.  Believing in lies other tell me for the moment, setting my heart on things not of this earth, hurting other people, taking my life for granted. 

I feel like this is a reoccuring and long standing lesson of humulity I have been on a journey to really discover. I hope that this time it really sticks. Sometimes it takes something terrible for the truth to really sink in, and something terrible has happened and has caused a road block in my mind and life forced me to get to a point where I know that I am not where I should be. Or, I guess, more so that I am where I should be but that I am not doing what I should be doing.

I recently saw a quote that said "Just so you know, there are certain people who were put here to break you. So you could learn how to pull yourself back together again." I am at that point and I am ready to put it back together so that when someone comes along who is meant to value me, then I will be ready and whole. Not broken and missing pieces.

Now I know that tomorrow be kind as long as I choose to do the right thing, to listen to my faith and trust in my God, and to know that as long as I am doing the right thing that all will work itself out.

 It is when I do the wrong thing that things get confusing and I get lost in the wanderlust of it all.

It's Just a Tuesday

I don't get all the hype, I mean, come on people it's just a random Tuesday in February.  It's like a random Tuesday in October or July.  Except Tuesdays in July are waaaaayy better.  At least in July you can wear super cute skirts, and ruffly summer tops and drink Slurpees from 7-11 and lay out in the sun and smell tanning oil and have fresh cool crisp salad.  A Tuesday in July sounds a heck of a lot better than one in February if you ask me.  So, I don't understand why everyone is getting all bent out of shape over one dumb day.  I mean I wore the pink and the red, and I passed out candy to my students, and I happily accepted chocolate and balloons and we even made Valentine's day cards in my class.  But did it really mean anything to me?... In all honesty, it didn't.  It's just a freaking day.

Really, what's been meaning more to me lately is  not the date on the calendar, or the holiday scheduled.  What really matters to me lately is what has been stirring up inside of me.  The feelings that have been stirring around in my mind, and informing the conversations I have been having with friends.  Conversations about what to do next, what to stop doing now, what behaviors need to be modified.  I have been talking a great deal about who I am, who I want to be and what I hope for, with people who mean the world to me.  Friends who are honest and open and real with me about what I am doing and how it's affecting me. 

Sometimes, I get so caught up in it all that I forget how much my choices really do affect my day to day living.  I think they don't really have any say in how I react to people or how I respond.  But, when I really start to think about how I feel on the inside, I realize that often times it comes out in how I handle myself and the attitudes I put out into the world. 

For example, when someone in particular doesn't call or text me back, although I thought they might like me...I start to feel un-good or un-worthy.  Then, because I am feeling that way I start to feel sad on the inside and I lose sleep.  When I lose sleep I am more irritable at work, and then I have less patience for the students in my classroom and their needs.  When I am not as patient and loving towards my students as I would like to be, I end up going home and feeling bad that I wasn't the best teacher that I could be for them.  I start to feel like I am not fully living into my calling because I know I was called to be a teacher, and here I am not being a good one, and what's the point of being one at all if I can't be a good one.  Then I start to think maybe I shouldn't even be a teacher and I should just give up on the whole thing, and then I start to feel un-good.  And then I will call or text that person to make me feel better, and they won't respond and I will continue to feel un-good and un-loved, and the cycle goes on and on and on and on.

I try to not let myself get into ruts (although lately I have failed miserably, and have gotten myself into several ruts).  Mostly one in particular which has been a life-long struggle for me.  A struggle and a rut and a habit of poor choice making around boys that has led me to feel God's presence, but also feel like a terrible sinner, and at times chose to completely ignore what I believe in, because I simply know no other way of coping and/or dealing with the bad feelings.  

I am trying to be better about who I allow into my life, so I swore of certain people who I do not feel serve my purpose or my life and whom which I think actual infect my life.  I actually even deleted their numbers so as not to be tempted to reach out to them.  But, there are still a few I can't seem to relinquish from my mind.  They inhabit it consistently.  Most of the time they inhabit my mind, I am fairly certain, that these people have, in no way, ever felt or thought about me what I am thinking about them.  Typically, I am thinking quite highly of them or I will smile at the thought of their face or the taste of their lips.  I will even laugh out loud, from the depths of my belly at something funny that happened with them.  Then, almost as quickly as I am filled with happiness because of the fondness of a memory, I am jolted back to the realization that they don't call me back and they don't text me back.  I think of them with fondness and adoration, and they don't think of me at all.  It's quite pathetic really.  To realize that someone who you care for, someone who means something to you and someone whom which you value and genuinely like, doesn't even have enough respect for you to type two words into their phone.  Nope, not even two, heck not even one. 

This is why today is just a Tuesday.  Because, when I find the love that I know God has in store for me, and I can finally make wise and smart choices about men and boys and I am in a good place with respect for myself and who I am and what I have to offer, I knooooww, and I mean I really know that today, February 14th, will be just another day of the year.  Because, when it's real and true and honest and whole-hearted love I will feel it every single day.  I will make sure they feel it too, and I will buy them chocolate on a Thursday in October for no reason, and I will cook their favorite meal and eat at their favorite restaurant (even if I hate it) in March, and I will go buy them a Slurpee on a Wednesday in August.  I will kiss them goodnight every night that I possibly can.  And I will tell them that I love them on sticky notes, and with flowers, and with cards with hearts on them, and with gifts as often as I possibly can.  There will be no need for a holiday for the person I love to know that I love them.  They will already know it.  He will know it in the depths of his soul, and with all his heart, and in every ounce of his being that he is deeply, truly and wholly loved. 



To Whom It May Concern

"Why are you so far from me?
In my arms is where you are to be
How long will you make me wait?
I don't know how much more I can take
I missed you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do
Slowly counting down the days
Till I finally know your name
The way your hand feels round my waist
The way you laugh, the way your kisses taste
I missed you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to...

Dear whoever you might be
I'm still waiting patiently."


I'm kind of getting tired of waiting.  I mean, how long do I really have to wait?  Where are you?  Have I met you yet?  Did I miss my chance?  Is there something wrong with me?  What am I waiting for?  What are you waiting for?

I feel stuck.  Just frozen in time.  Like there is no moving forward.  No matter what I do I seem to end up being in the same place. 

Is it so bad that I want to find him?

How Long Will You Make Me Wait?

Other People's Thoughts

"There is something in every one of you that waits and listens

for the sound of the genuine in yourself.

It is the only true guide you will ever have. 

And if you cannot hear it, 

you will all of your life spend your days 

on the ends of strings that somebody else pulls." -Howard Thurman 

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; 

courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen." -Winston Churchill

"The keenest sorrow is to recognize 

ourselves as the sole cause of all our adversities." -Sophocles

"Pursue some path, however narrow and crooked, 

in which you can walk with love and reverence." -Henry David Thoreau 

"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun." -Christopher Mccandless

Walking in the Sun

Obsessed with this song:

Fink --"Walking in the Sun"

Things have been going wrong
Long enough to know everything is right
Been walking in the dark, long enough to know
I finally see the light

I've been losing long enough to know
When I finally won
And even a blind man can tell
When he's walking in the sun

Cried enough tears to know
This feeling called a smile
And I've been bought around long enough to know
When I do it in style

I've been running long enough to know
There's no more need a run
And even a blind man can tell
When he's walking in the sun

Well, the wind is at my back and I'm
Sailing on a ship that's overdue
Well, I've blown so many chances that I
Ain't gonna blow this chance with you

And I've seen enough bad times to know
Good times are gone, yeah
Even a blind man can tell
When he's walking in the sun
Walking in the sun

You can listen to it here...SO GOOD!!

Short Sentences

I recently heard a song by The Civil Wars called "Tip of my Tongue."  It make me think of all the things on the tip of my own tongue that I am dying to say.  So, here they are (all the things I wish I could say but I cannot).

These are the words stuffed inside of me:

• It was so good to see you.  I've missed you so much.  I can't wait until I get to see you again.  You will always have the most precious place in my heart and I will forever care deeply for you in ways I cannot comprehend.  Be good to yourself and know that you are always unconditionally loved.
• I miss you, so much.
• How long am I going to have to wait?
• What's wrong with me?
• Are you thinking of me too?
• I wish someone would say to me: what do you need right now?
• Why does my heart long and ache after things it cannot have...
• You are so cute, and I, in unknown ways, adore  your idiosyncrasies and wish you found me half as interesting as I find you to be.
• How can I be crying when I have so much?
• You were wrong.
• I can't see you anymore.
• I miss your friendship, but know we can never have it back, and it's sad.  You were a great friend to have and wonderful guiding light when I needed it the most.  At the end of the day, you are selfish and I know we can never be friends again because of it.
• I miss you, so much.
  i miss you, so much.
  i miss you...so much.
• There's this song I listen to, just because it's the only thing that make me feel like someone else understands.  It's called "Someone I Used to Know."  It says something like
  "Now and then I think of when we were together
  Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
  Told myself that you were right for me
  But felt so lonely in your company
  But that was love and it's an ache I still remember..."

In reality, most days and times and moments I am happy and loved and feel extremely blessed, and really honestly couldn't ask for more.  I just wonder if I ruined the best thing I ever could have had in a relationship. I wonder if I will ever get that feeling back and if I will ever be in the kind of relationship I was in before.  I wonder if there is someone else like that out there for me.  I wonder if I would have even been happy in it, or if I am fantasizing about how great it was.  Then I think about the fact that he has a girlfriend, and I think that I am stupid for letting myself even think about him.  And, then sometimes I wonder if he will read this blog and see what I write and wonder if it is about him.  Some of it is, and some of it is about other people or other things or other situations.  But right now, it's about him.  The him I can't have because he is elsewhere, literally and figuratively.  It really has been hurting me lately to think that he is out there living his life and loving his girlfriend and moving on with his life, while I am here wondering if I am ever going to be fulfilled.  Sometimes I wonder if he longs for me or misses me the ways that I miss and adore and love him.  Then I remember that he doesn't want to be with me, and I realize that he can't feel the way I do, and he even told me he doesn't love me like I love him, mostly because (as he said) he is incapable of feeling about anyone the way I feel about anything because he just doesn't have the breadth of emotions that I do.  Regardless, he can't feel even nearly what I feel about him, because there would be no other way for him to continue to fake being happy with the wrong person, if I was in fact the right one.

I'm trying to move on.  Really I am.  I am doing everything I know how to do to move on.  But my soul is calling out his name.  Saying "wait"  just "wait" he will come back.  My whole being is telling me that I need to wait for him, and things will be better again someday.  My whole soul is telling me, from some unknown place that he is the one and that it is meant to be.  The story is to great, and the destiny has been written in the stars for far too long for it not to mean something more than just this.

Unbelieveably Precious

I will keep this short.  I will keep this simple.  It's the only way it can be.

My heart is happy.  Deep in its core.  

It is well with my soul.  Thank You, God.

Hello, Fresh Start

Today is 1.2.2012.  I have lots of goals for this year and lots of things I want to get accomplished.  Therefore this blog post won't be that long because I must get started.  Yesterday, I was in bed sick all day so I am already a day behind (go figure). 

First and foremost, this year I am vowing to spend more time crafting.  I joined Pinterest (bad idea, super addicting!).   There are lots of projects I want to make on there that I have found thus far, so I am going to get started on those.  I just have to decide which I want to do first.  It also gives me a great place to find cute layouts for scrapbooking.  You can follow me if you want (http://pinterest.com/thoughtfulteach/).  

Secondly, I am going to be healthy.  Eat better.  Live better. I am not really on a diet or anything special.  Just cutting out the crap.  Working out.  Planning walks.  Planning meals.  Shopping for fresh.  I mean, I live in California.  How can I not eat the fresh fruits and veggies here?  We have year round farmer's markets.  Plus, the weather is so nice that people were sitting outside at Starbucks today.  I have to enjoy that, right?!  

Thirdly, well basically that's it.  Those are the two things I am really fully committed to.  I told my friend a few weeks back that I was going to go celibate for the new year.  She thought I said "celebrate" and she asked me, "Where?!"...lol.  Anyway, I decided against that plan.  I was also going to try to get involved with a youth group of some sort.  Then I realized that I am only in my second year of teaching, I am still working on getting my credential, and (exciting news) I am going to be working on my MASTER'S in Special Education!! Whoop.  So basically, my calendar will be full with lesson planning and homework until the end of next school year.  At which point I think I will have time and energy for youth group involvement.  I might start a scrapbooking club at school for some of the kids.  I might also start doing after school homework help for some of the students.  These things are just maybe.  If they happen, they do.  If they don't work out, then it is what it is. 

I am still trying to figure out where God wants me to be.  So far, I hear Him telling me to just enjoy where I am.  To stop worrying about what's coming next or where I am going to be in a few years.  Just enjoy now.  Today.   So, I let the days unfold as they are.  Just trying to make the most of what I have and enjoying the things I am blessed with.  

Just for the sake of the new year, and in recognizing the value reflecting, here are some things I learned in 2011:

• As long as you're laughing, nothing else matters
• Sometimes people leave for no reason at all
• Things that are meant to be, will be.
• Teaching is wonderful
• Children are the greatest gift the world has
• Not everyone's intentions are clear to themselves or to you
• Secrets don't really exist, if you don't want anyone to know, don't say anything
• It only takes one person to change your outlook on life
• All people really want is to feel loved and appreciated
• Wants and desires change
• There is a family you are born into, and another kind of family, one that is created by another kind of love
• It doesn't always make sense right now, and it may never make sense
• Sometimes (actually, most times) it is better to just let go of control
• Las Vegas is really fun
• Miles/distance don't change anything when you really love and care about a person
• From the words of the year, "Sometimes it lasts in love, and sometimes it hurts instead" -Adele
• I have wonderful wonderful wonderful people in my life.  I try to tell them as much as possible, but I don't think they will ever understand how much they mean to me.

 

It was a really tough year last year.  Probably, the hardest one I have had to survive through.  There was one that was just as hard, maybe even a tie.  I learned a lot about myself, about life, about happiness, about blessings and about trust. 

In the end, it was a year of learning.  Hard, yet poignant lessons.   I go forward with a greater knowledge base and a firmer foundation.  

2012 is going to be a good one.  I can just feel it in my bones.  

26.5

Just slightly over my half-birthday, by about a month, I am starting to realize some things.  Things I thought I would have learned many moons ago.  Things, about life and love and friends and choices that I thought would have just all fallen into place by now.  But they haven't.  As of late, life has been teaching me some deep rooted lessons.  Ones I know will stick with me for the rest of my days. 

I used to think I'd be done learning by the time I was an adult.  I just figured as a kid, your brain would just get filled up and filled up until it was stuffed to the brim with all sorts of awareness and knowledge and understanding, so that by the time you were an adult, there wouldn't be any more learning to be done.  I don't know if I exactly had it pinpointed (in my mind) when adult-hood would start, but surely I thought I would have it all figured out by now.  Boy, was I wrong.

At 26.5 + 1 month...I am just starting to realize the following things.  (let me point out that by realization, it doesn't mean full understanding, it just means a slight awareness.  Like, these thoughts and ideas are starting to tumble around in my mind like clothes in a dryer all mixed up, and everything is still pretty wet and hasn't quite taken on it's correct shape yet).

a.  Relationships are a shit-ton of work, and maybe all the happy marriages that I thought existed...don't really.  My sister told me yesterday that only 1% of couples are really truly happy and satisfied with their relationship/marriage.  Now, I personally believe that the number is larger than that...but who I am to say.  Regardless, the pretty marriage picture I had painted in my mind is far far from reality.  Relationships mean sacrifices, sometimes large, sometimes small.  And they require a deep commitment, trust, love and understanding that transcends through changes in self and in the world around.  It's an extraordinary masterpiece when couples thrive and grow throughout a multitude of circumstances.  When I think about how hard it is to change myself, and how hard it is to grow and learn new habits that aren't working, and the type of self-reflection and self-discipline it takes for me to grow within myself...I have to stop and think about how hard and wonderfully beautiful it is for couples to grow together and love one another through all the good and wonderful and all the terrible and sad.   Because, as with all things in life there is an ebb and flow to it.  There is never perfect harmony for all eternity. 

b.  If i want to do anything, anything at all...I better do it NOW.  Traveling to Italy, to NYC, writing a book, going to Canada, learning Spanish, working in an orphanage, teaching abroad, designing craft projects, living in my own space my own way, reading books, therapy, getting in shape, building better eating habits, learning to cook better, learning to play guitar...all these things must be done now.  While the time is my own, and I can do whatever I want whenever I so choose.  Right now is the time to do all the things I can ever imagine.  Because life will continue to be busy, and there will always be a reason to not do something, and pretty soon I will no longer be young and agile and able to do all the things my heart longs to do.  So, I must do them now.  That way, when I am old and tired and have lived a full life I can be old and happy and full of reminiscent memories of goodness.  And, I can grow as an individual by doing all the things my heart longs to do.  I must also recognize that the fact I am able to do all the desires of my heart, is a tremendous blessing itself.  Thank you, God.

c.  Regrets.  They are hard to move on from and they sometimes leave me wondering if I did the right thing.  But I have to trust.  I have to know that where I am now is exactly where I am supposed to be and that all things will work out for the goodness that should and will be.  The plan that I have in my mind and the plan that I see best working for my life may not, in fact, be the best option for me.  Actually, let me rephrase that.  I have to believe and know within my heart that God has got this all figured out for me.  I may like to think I need to know and have to know how and when and where everything will be delivered to me, but I have to know that it will come in time.  That also, regrets are a waste of the blessings and the gifts that I have today, right now, in this moment.  The blessings I have are so many I can barely even begin to wrap my mind them all.  I have a job that I love so much.  A job, that fills me with love and life and joy on a daily and constant almost instant basis.  My students are...I cannot even put it into words how much I love them all.  Each and every one of them.  I love them because they are so sweet and innocent and they, like all people, just want to feel love and support.  I hope that I am able to teach them to look inside themselves to find and believe in their own inner beauty, strength and light.  Not only do I have the best job in the whole entire world, but I have a support group of people that are loving and supportive and smart and funny and talented and caring and kind and really, just truly wonderful.  I have never had friends like this in my life, and I am so lucky and so blessed to know all of them.  Each of them are beautiful and bring so much to my life.  I have my own apartment, I have time for my hobbies and I have time to get my Master's.  I have time for happy hour chats with friends, and dinner with my mom.  I get to watch my stupid TV shows when I want, or go to Starbucks for hours if I feel like it.  I get to drive around to look at Christmas lights with my bestie, and get Post Cards from Hong Kong from another bestie.  I may have a few things in my past that I would like to change, but I have to realize that had I not made those choices back then, there is no way I would be exactly where I am right now.  Full, literally full to the brim with love.  And that, my friends, is something I cannot argue with.

d.  Delayed gratification is inevitably better.  It sucks waiting for it.  And sometimes it's really really hard to wait for anything.  (I think I have touched on this topic recently...perhaps I am repeating a lot of myself...but I think what I am trying to do is remind myself of all the things I need to remember constantly.  Sometimes, I get stuck in my own head over-thinking all these things I am trying to sort out, when the bottom line is really, just believing it will be alright, having faith that God has it under control and that I need to stop looking ahead and I need to stop looking behind, because right now is the magic of it all.)  Waiting for something, and knowing it's true value, will also be another moment of magic.  Right now, I think I know what I am waiting for, but some part of me knows and believes that God might have something else in store for me.  Something that's not in my plan.  Something that I don't even know exists.  Something that will be beyond worth the wait when it arrives.  Until then, I have more than enough to leave me feeling blissful.  

e.  Sometimes goodbye is the only thing to say.  It sucks.  It hurts.  I don't want to do it.  I wish it never had to happen again.  I wish i never had to ever tell anyone that I love and cherish goodbye.  but sometimes, life just takes a course of its own.  Paths diverge.  Roads split.  And, for two people to be the best versions of themselves, they can no longer walk hand-in-hand.  Perhaps, we may meet again, but if not, I will know that it is better this way (or I will continue to tell myself it's better this way, until i believe that).

goodbye, my love.  I hope you find whatever it is you are looking for.  And from the words of one of my favorite songs to belt out in the car:

"I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of.
And I wish to you, joy and happiness.
But above all this, I wish you love."

Folks, life 'aint a June afternoon.  With sunbeating on your back and a cool iced tea in hand, with a magazine and suntan oil out.  It's not that breezy and simple.  Well, I guess it's not that breezy, but it's simple.  Things happen, and plans get interupted, and it doesn't always work out like we want it to.  But, it is simple.  Find what makes you happy.  Do that, as often as you can.  Love the people you have.  Enjoy as many wonderful memories as you can.  Tell people you love them and cherish them as often as you can.  Complain less.  Be grateful more.  Count your blessings.  And life is sure to work out as the way it should be.  This is what I believe anyway.

2012, it's a new year....and I am approaching it with a new mantra:

Believe and give thanksgiving for all my many blessings.  
Believe it's under God's control.  
Know that every moment is truly, exactly as it should be.  
Be patient.  Be patient.  Be patient.

You Must Always Know

"You must always know, how long to stay and when to go."

There is a beauty in just letting go.  It's sad and it's hard, but it is something that must happen from time to time.  Often times we are forced to say goodbye against our own will, other times we have to say goodbye because it is the right thing to do.  All my life I have been saying goodbye to people.  

Some I have happily said goodbye to and wished them well.

Others, I have so longingly looked back at, hoping they'd turn around and come home.

Sometimes I have said goodbye in an instant.

While there have been times where goodbyes have been said what seems like 300 times.  

I have come back searching for others, and others names have escaped me.

Often times, I have cried many tears over the ones that were taken from me, and I have cried many more tears when I have had to say goodbye not when I wanted to, but when I had to.

Recently, I have had to say two very difficult goodbyes and two very different types of goodbyes.

One of those goodbyes was in its right time.  It was God's time to call his sweet child home.  I know that this person is finally at peace.   The sadness it brings to those the loss affected will be felt for many years to come, but I know how happy this person is now.  I can feel them smiling deep in my heart, and I know that heaven exists and that's where she is.  I know and believe without any doubt that she is dancing to "Impossible Dream" and laughing about all the good times.  I know she is finally hugging her dear son who left us too soon, her daughter whose light still shines.  I can  imagine her smile as she sees the husbands she lost, and her eldest son.   She is in a love filled place that will fill her soul and her blue eyes with eternal peace.  I love her dearly, and she will live in me forever.

The second goodbye hasn't even been finalized yet, but I can hear it creeping up.  The deafening sound of it is reverberating in my ears.  This is it.  Years and years of loose ends and possibilities and maybes.  I can hear it cracking in the dryness of the winter and the rawness of the pain seeping out of my blood.  I know that this goodbye is one that breaks apart the millions of possibilities the "hello" presented many years ago on a cold January night in Colorado.   This goodbye that is lingering in the near future is something that I do not want.  I want the potential and the easy silence this person brings to my daily living, but the goodbye is what is coming.  It's all there is to do.  Really.  I have been falling down this rabbit hole of a goodbye for many months now.  Grasping for air and wondering if he will ever come pull me out.  I have known that he is standing on the ground above me laughing and living and moving forward, while I just wait for him to come back to me.  So, I yelled "GOODBYE!"  and I am just waiting for him to come back and say bye.  I don't know for certain if that will be the response I get, but I sense it's what's to come.

I'm not sure if the actual goodbye is the hardest part, or if it's the waiting that's crushing, or it's the aftermath of it all.  For me, it's all of it.

I'm just in search of all things beautiful.  People say that goodbyes have a sort of beauty to them because they are the closure to an old time and the start of a new time.  For me, they are too sad for me.  

I'm not overwhelmed with sadness right now, but I am in a reflective state of mind.  Looking at the two contrasting goodbyes.  One is peaceful, because there are no regrets.  This woman lived her life all the years she could have.  She took every breath and every chance and loved everyone and took it all in and did all the things she wanted to do.  The second goodbye is the opposite.  It's a goodbye filled with wonder and what ifs.  It is a goodbye that no one knows what could have been had it not had to happen.  

Just a Few Words



"I’d like to repeat the advice that I gave you before, in that I think you really should make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt.So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future.The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."
-Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild

"I Was Here"

I wanna leave my footprints on the sands of time
Know there was something that, and something that I left behind
When I leave this world, I'll leave no regrets
Leave something to remember, so they won't forget

I was here
I lived, I loved
I was here
I did, I've done, everything that I wanted
And it was more than I thought it would be
I will leave my mark so everyone will know
I was here

I want to say I lived each day, until I die
And know that I meant something in, somebody's life
The hearts I have touched, will be the proof that I leave
That I made a difference, and this world will see

I was here
I lived, I loved
I was here
I did, I've done, everything that I wanted
And it was more than I thought it would be

I will leave my mark so everyone will know

I just want them to know
That I gave my all, did my best
Brought someone to hapiness
Left this world a little better just because

I was here

(thanks Beyonce for reminding me)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLLzkLO8Sh4

Pretending

Some days I smile just to smile.  I pretend that I have it all together.  I put on a good show, those around me really have no idea how broken apart I am inside.  I wear a smile on my face, and I keep a positive attitude, and I do everything I can to make sure that those around me and that the jobs I am assigned to do are complete. 

I am certain sometimes that it's the only way I have gotten through life thus far.  Holding it all together as best I can while others are around, and then crying on the drive home.  I know sometimes that we are supposed to talk to other people about things and it's supposed to make us feel better.  But, lately, for me...it's just been better to do what I need to do throughout the day and sometimes at night.  Then go home and let it all fall apart. 

I most of the time feel like  no one understands.  So, I may have someone to talk to or bounce ideas off of and just let me spill out my thoughts...but I seem to end up feeling more alone than I did before I even mentioned anything.

As I have said numerous times.  I have a  great life, and I do not think otherwise.  I know have been blessed time and time again.  I know that I have gifts and talents straight from the Lord.  And I am overwhelmed with gratitude and appreciation for the parents I have, and the friends I have met along the way.  I am thankful for the hard times I have had to go through and the pain I have had to overcome to turn me into the person that I am.  Perhaps this gratitude and thankfulness is what makes me able to continue to smile even in times of turmoil.

It doesn't change the fact that sometimes I just cry.  I cry because I am lonely, and I am sad because I cannot be with who I want to be with.  I cry because I feel I cannot do enough to help my students.  I cry because of the situation my students are in.  I cry because I have too much work to do and not enough time to do it in.  I cry because there are children everywhere that are hungry.  I cry because I want to do so many different things, like get my M.S.W. or M.F.T. and my Masters Degree in Special Education and I want to be a counselor and a teacher and a Program Specialist and a Director and a Leader and an advocate and an attorney and I want to volunteer in Mexico at an orphanage and I want to learn to speak Spanish and Italian and French and Sign Language.  And I cry because I fear I will never have enough time to do it all.  And then I cry even more because I feel I am going to do it all alone, and never have someone to come home to and talk to about it.  I believe all these things are rational and logical reasons to cry every so often.  But, what makes me cry even more is that at one point in my life, I had someone who supported me and loved me and cared for me deeply and who would have helped me in any way possible accomplish and reach all of my goals and dreams and would have been cheering me on at the finish line, and would have picked me back up every time that I fell down...  And I lost that person.  And I miss that person.  And I long to be with that person every single day that passes by.

This is the first time in my life I have ever regretted something, and the regret is weighing down on me.  Covering me up.  Putting a darkness over me that I have not experienced in this capacity before.  I know that like all storms, this too shall pass.  It's just a matter of when, and a matter of me making it through this, and a matter of me just letting the time go by.  It's hard.  Some days more than others.  Today is one of the harder days, so I cried.

http://theworldwelivein.tumblr.com/page/2

This picture perfectly describes where I feel I am at.  I am just walking down the road by myself, and I have to get all the way over those mountains to reach the next path.  Maybe there will be someone waiting on the other side, maybe there won't be.  I know I will have the strength and the food and water to survive, but I have no idea what's on the other side, and I have no idea how long I will have to be on this journey alone.