Life as a twenty-something.

To Whom It May Concern

2012-01-31T22:38:00.000-08:00

"Why are you so far from me?
In my arms is where you are to be
How long will you make me wait?
I don't know how much more I can take
I missed you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do
Slowly counting down the days
Till I finally know your name
The way your hand feels round my waist
The way you laugh, the way your kisses taste
I missed you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to...

Dear whoever you might be
I'm still waiting patiently."

I'm kind of getting tired of waiting. I mean, how long do I really have to wait? Where are you? Have I met you yet? Did I miss my chance? Is there something wrong with me? What am I waiting for? What are you waiting for?

I feel stuck. Just frozen in time. Like there is no moving forward. No matter what I do I seem to end up being in the same place.

Is it so bad that I want to find him?

How Long Will You Make Me Wait?

Other People's Thoughts

2012-01-28T00:45:00.000-08:00

"There is something in every one of you that waits and listens

for the sound of the genuine in yourself.

It is the only true guide you will ever have.

And if you cannot hear it,

you will all of your life spend your days

on the ends of strings that somebody else pulls." -Howard Thurman

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak;

courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen." -Winston Churchill

"The keenest sorrow is to recognize

ourselves as the sole cause of all our adversities." -Sophocles

"Pursue some path, however narrow and crooked,

in which you can walk with love and reverence." -Henry David Thoreau

"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun." -Christopher Mccandless

Walking in the Sun

2012-01-26T20:53:00.000-08:00

Obsessed with this song:

Fink --"Walking in the Sun"

Things have been going wrong
Long enough to know everything is right
Been walking in the dark, long enough to know
I finally see the light

I've been losing long enough to know
When I finally won
And even a blind man can tell
When he's walking in the sun

Cried enough tears to know
This feeling called a smile
And I've been bought around long enough to know
When I do it in style

I've been running long enough to know
There's no more need a run
And even a blind man can tell
When he's walking in the sun

Well, the wind is at my back and I'm
Sailing on a ship that's overdue
Well, I've blown so many chances that I
Ain't gonna blow this chance with you

And I've seen enough bad times to know
Good times are gone, yeah
Even a blind man can tell
When he's walking in the sun
Walking in the sun

You can listen to it here...SO GOOD!!

Short Sentences

2012-01-21T23:34:00.000-08:00

I recently heard a song by The Civil Wars called "Tip of my Tongue." It make me think of all the things on the tip of my own tongue that I am dying to say. So, here they are (all the things I wish I could say but I cannot).

These are the words stuffed inside of me:

It was so good to see you. I've missed you so much. I can't wait until I get to see you again. You will always have the most precious place in my heart and I will forever care deeply for you in ways I cannot comprehend. Be good to yourself and know that you are always unconditionally loved.
I miss you, so much.
How long am I going to have to wait?
What's wrong with me?
Are you thinking of me too?
I wish someone would say to me: what do you need right now?
Why does my heart long and ache after things it cannot have...
You are so cute, and I, in unknown ways, adore your idiosyncrasies and wish you found me half as interesting as I find you to be.
How can I be crying when I have so much?
You were wrong.
I can't see you anymore.
I miss your friendship, but know we can never have it back, and it's sad. You were a great friend to have and wonderful guiding light when I needed it the most. At the end of the day, you are selfish and I know we can never be friends again because of it.
I miss you, so much.
i miss you, so much.
i miss you...so much.
There's this song I listen to, just because it's the only thing that make me feel like someone else understands. It's called "Someone I Used to Know." It says something like
"Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember..."

In reality, most days and times and moments I am happy and loved and feel extremely blessed, and really honestly couldn't ask for more. I just wonder if I ruined the best thing I ever could have had in a relationship. I wonder if I will ever get that feeling back and if I will ever be in the kind of relationship I was in before. I wonder if there is someone else like that out there for me. I wonder if I would have even been happy in it, or if I am fantasizing about how great it was. Then I think about the fact that he has a girlfriend, and I think that I am stupid for letting myself even think about him. And, then sometimes I wonder if he will read this blog and see what I write and wonder if it is about him. Some of it is, and some of it is about other people or other things or other situations. But right now, it's about him. The him I can't have because he is elsewhere, literally and figuratively. It really has been hurting me lately to think that he is out there living his life and loving his girlfriend and moving on with his life, while I am here wondering if I am ever going to be fulfilled. Sometimes I wonder if he longs for me or misses me the ways that I miss and adore and love him. Then I remember that he doesn't want to be with me, and I realize that he can't feel the way I do, and he even told me he doesn't love me like I love him, mostly because (as he said) he is incapable of feeling about anyone the way I feel about anything because he just doesn't have the breadth of emotions that I do. Regardless, he can't feel even nearly what I feel about him, because there would be no other way for him to continue to fake being happy with the wrong person, if I was in fact the right one.

I'm trying to move on. Really I am. I am doing everything I know how to do to move on. But my soul is calling out his name. Saying "wait" just "wait" he will come back. My whole being is telling me that I need to wait for him, and things will be better again someday. My whole soul is telling me, from some unknown place that he is the one and that it is meant to be. The story is to great, and the destiny has been written in the stars for far too long for it not to mean something more than just this.

Unbelieveably Precious

2012-01-09T22:11:00.000-08:00

I will keep this short. I will keep this simple. It's the only way it can be.

My heart is happy. Deep in its core.

It is well with my soul. Thank You, God.

Hello, Fresh Start

2012-01-02T15:43:00.000-08:00

Today is 1.2.2012. I have lots of goals for this year and lots of things I want to get accomplished. Therefore this blog post won't be that long because I must get started. Yesterday, I was in bed sick all day so I am already a day behind (go figure).

First and foremost, this year I am vowing to spend more time crafting. I joined Pinterest (bad idea, super addicting!). There are lots of projects I want to make on there that I have found thus far, so I am going to get started on those. I just have to decide which I want to do first. It also gives me a great place to find cute layouts for scrapbooking. You can follow me if you want (http://pinterest.com/thoughtfulteach/).

Secondly, I am going to be healthy. Eat better. Live better. I am not really on a diet or anything special. Just cutting out the crap. Working out. Planning walks. Planning meals. Shopping for fresh. I mean, I live in California. How can I not eat the fresh fruits and veggies here? We have year round farmer's markets. Plus, the weather is so nice that people were sitting outside at Starbucks today. I have to enjoy that, right?!

Thirdly, well basically that's it. Those are the two things I am really fully committed to. I told my friend a few weeks back that I was going to go celibate for the new year. She thought I said "celebrate" and she asked me, "Where?!"...lol. Anyway, I decided against that plan. I was also going to try to get involved with a youth group of some sort. Then I realized that I am only in my second year of teaching, I am still working on getting my credential, and (exciting news) I am going to be working on my MASTER'S in Special Education!! Whoop. So basically, my calendar will be full with lesson planning and homework until the end of next school year. At which point I think I will have time and energy for youth group involvement. I might start a scrapbooking club at school for some of the kids. I might also start doing after school homework help for some of the students. These things are just maybe. If they happen, they do. If they don't work out, then it is what it is.

I am still trying to figure out where God wants me to be. So far, I hear Him telling me to just enjoy where I am. To stop worrying about what's coming next or where I am going to be in a few years. Just enjoy now. Today. So, I let the days unfold as they are. Just trying to make the most of what I have and enjoying the things I am blessed with.

Just for the sake of the new year, and in recognizing the value reflecting, here are some things I learned in 2011:

As long as you're laughing, nothing else matters
Sometimes people leave for no reason at all
Things that are meant to be, will be.
Teaching is wonderful
Children are the greatest gift the world has
Not everyone's intentions are clear to themselves or to you
Secrets don't really exist, if you don't want anyone to know, don't say anything
It only takes one person to change your outlook on life
All people really want is to feel loved and appreciated
Wants and desires change
There is a family you are born into, and another kind of family, one that is created by another kind of love
It doesn't always make sense right now, and it may never make sense
Sometimes (actually, most times) it is better to just let go of control
Las Vegas is really fun
Miles/distance don't change anything when you really love and care about a person
From the words of the year, "Sometimes it lasts in love, and sometimes it hurts instead" -Adele
I have wonderful wonderful wonderful people in my life. I try to tell them as much as possible, but I don't think they will ever understand how much they mean to me.

It was a really tough year last year. Probably, the hardest one I have had to survive through. There was one that was just as hard, maybe even a tie. I learned a lot about myself, about life, about happiness, about blessings and about trust.

In the end, it was a year of learning. Hard, yet poignant lessons. I go forward with a greater knowledge base and a firmer foundation.

2012 is going to be a good one. I can just feel it in my bones.

26.5

2011-12-24T00:54:00.000-08:00

Just slightly over my half-birthday, by about a month, I am starting to realize some things. Things I thought I would have learned many moons ago. Things, about life and love and friends and choices that I thought would have just all fallen into place by now. But they haven't. As of late, life has been teaching me some deep rooted lessons. Ones I know will stick with me for the rest of my days.

I used to think I'd be done learning by the time I was an adult. I just figured as a kid, your brain would just get filled up and filled up until it was stuffed to the brim with all sorts of awareness and knowledge and understanding, so that by the time you were an adult, there wouldn't be any more learning to be done. I don't know if I exactly had it pinpointed (in my mind) when adult-hood would start, but surely I thought I would have it all figured out by now. Boy, was I wrong.

At 26.5 + 1 month...I am just starting to realize the following things. (let me point out that by realization, it doesn't mean full understanding, it just means a slight awareness. Like, these thoughts and ideas are starting to tumble around in my mind like clothes in a dryer all mixed up, and everything is still pretty wet and hasn't quite taken on it's correct shape yet).

a. Relationships are a shit-ton of work, and maybe all the happy marriages that I thought existed...don't really. My sister told me yesterday that only 1% of couples are really truly happy and satisfied with their relationship/marriage. Now, I personally believe that the number is larger than that...but who I am to say. Regardless, the pretty marriage picture I had painted in my mind is far far from reality. Relationships mean sacrifices, sometimes large, sometimes small. And they require a deep commitment, trust, love and understanding that transcends through changes in self and in the world around. It's an extraordinary masterpiece when couples thrive and grow throughout a multitude of circumstances. When I think about how hard it is to change myself, and how hard it is to grow and learn new habits that aren't working, and the type of self-reflection and self-discipline it takes for me to grow within myself...I have to stop and think about how hard and wonderfully beautiful it is for couples to grow together and love one another through all the good and wonderful and all the terrible and sad. Because, as with all things in life there is an ebb and flow to it. There is never perfect harmony for all eternity.

b. If i want to do anything, anything at all...I better do it NOW. Traveling to Italy, to NYC, writing a book, going to Canada, learning Spanish, working in an orphanage, teaching abroad, designing craft projects, living in my own space my own way, reading books, therapy, getting in shape, building better eating habits, learning to cook better, learning to play guitar...all these things must be done now. While the time is my own, and I can do whatever I want whenever I so choose. Right now is the time to do all the things I can ever imagine. Because life will continue to be busy, and there will always be a reason to not do something, and pretty soon I will no longer be young and agile and able to do all the things my heart longs to do. So, I must do them now. That way, when I am old and tired and have lived a full life I can be old and happy and full of reminiscent memories of goodness. And, I can grow as an individual by doing all the things my heart longs to do. I must also recognize that the fact I am able to do all the desires of my heart, is a tremendous blessing itself. Thank you, God.

c. Regrets. They are hard to move on from and they sometimes leave me wondering if I did the right thing. But I have to trust. I have to know that where I am now is exactly where I am supposed to be and that all things will work out for the goodness that should and will be. The plan that I have in my mind and the plan that I see best working for my life may not, in fact, be the best option for me. Actually, let me rephrase that. I have to believe and know within my heart that God has got this all figured out for me. I may like to think I need to know and have to know how and when and where everything will be delivered to me, but I have to know that it will come in time. That also, regrets are a waste of the blessings and the gifts that I have today, right now, in this moment. The blessings I have are so many I can barely even begin to wrap my mind them all. I have a job that I love so much. A job, that fills me with love and life and joy on a daily and constant almost instant basis. My students are...I cannot even put it into words how much I love them all. Each and every one of them. I love them because they are so sweet and innocent and they, like all people, just want to feel love and support. I hope that I am able to teach them to look inside themselves to find and believe in their own inner beauty, strength and light. Not only do I have the best job in the whole entire world, but I have a support group of people that are loving and supportive and smart and funny and talented and caring and kind and really, just truly wonderful. I have never had friends like this in my life, and I am so lucky and so blessed to know all of them. Each of them are beautiful and bring so much to my life. I have my own apartment, I have time for my hobbies and I have time to get my Master's. I have time for happy hour chats with friends, and dinner with my mom. I get to watch my stupid TV shows when I want, or go to Starbucks for hours if I feel like it. I get to drive around to look at Christmas lights with my bestie, and get Post Cards from Hong Kong from another bestie. I may have a few things in my past that I would like to change, but I have to realize that had I not made those choices back then, there is no way I would be exactly where I am right now. Full, literally full to the brim with love. And that, my friends, is something I cannot argue with.

d. Delayed gratification is inevitably better. It sucks waiting for it. And sometimes it's really really hard to wait for anything. (I think I have touched on this topic recently...perhaps I am repeating a lot of myself...but I think what I am trying to do is remind myself of all the things I need to remember constantly. Sometimes, I get stuck in my own head over-thinking all these things I am trying to sort out, when the bottom line is really, just believing it will be alright, having faith that God has it under control and that I need to stop looking ahead and I need to stop looking behind, because right now is the magic of it all.) Waiting for something, and knowing it's true value, will also be another moment of magic. Right now, I think I know what I am waiting for, but some part of me knows and believes that God might have something else in store for me. Something that's not in my plan. Something that I don't even know exists. Something that will be beyond worth the wait when it arrives. Until then, I have more than enough to leave me feeling blissful.

e. Sometimes goodbye is the only thing to say. It sucks. It hurts. I don't want to do it. I wish it never had to happen again. I wish i never had to ever tell anyone that I love and cherish goodbye. but sometimes, life just takes a course of its own. Paths diverge. Roads split. And, for two people to be the best versions of themselves, they can no longer walk hand-in-hand. Perhaps, we may meet again, but if not, I will know that it is better this way (or I will continue to tell myself it's better this way, until i believe that).

goodbye, my love. I hope you find whatever it is you are looking for. And from the words of one of my favorite songs to belt out in the car:

"I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of.
And I wish to you, joy and happiness.
But above all this, I wish you love."

Folks, life 'aint a June afternoon. With sunbeating on your back and a cool iced tea in hand, with a magazine and suntan oil out. It's not that breezy and simple. Well, I guess it's not that breezy, but it's simple. Things happen, and plans get interupted, and it doesn't always work out like we want it to. But, it is simple. Find what makes you happy. Do that, as often as you can. Love the people you have. Enjoy as many wonderful memories as you can. Tell people you love them and cherish them as often as you can. Complain less. Be grateful more. Count your blessings. And life is sure to work out as the way it should be. This is what I believe anyway.

2012, it's a new year....and I am approaching it with a new mantra:

Believe and give thanksgiving for all my many blessings.
Believe it's under God's control.
Know that every moment is truly, exactly as it should be.
Be patient. Be patient. Be patient.

You Must Always Know

2011-12-07T20:37:00.001-08:00

"You must always know, how long to stay and when to go."

There is a beauty in just letting go. It's sad and it's hard, but it is something that must happen from time to time. Often times we are forced to say goodbye against our own will, other times we have to say goodbye because it is the right thing to do. All my life I have been saying goodbye to people.

Some I have happily said goodbye to and wished them well.

Others, I have so longingly looked back at, hoping they'd turn around and come home.

Sometimes I have said goodbye in an instant.

While there have been times where goodbyes have been said what seems like 300 times.

I have come back searching for others, and others names have escaped me.

Often times, I have cried many tears over the ones that were taken from me, and I have cried many more tears when I have had to say goodbye not when I wanted to, but when I had to.

Recently, I have had to say two very difficult goodbyes and two very different types of goodbyes.

One of those goodbyes was in its right time. It was God's time to call his sweet child home. I know that this person is finally at peace. The sadness it brings to those the loss affected will be felt for many years to come, but I know how happy this person is now. I can feel them smiling deep in my heart, and I know that heaven exists and that's where she is. I know and believe without any doubt that she is dancing to "Impossible Dream" and laughing about all the good times. I know she is finally hugging her dear son who left us too soon, her daughter whose light still shines. I can imagine her smile as she sees the husbands she lost, and her eldest son. She is in a love filled place that will fill her soul and her blue eyes with eternal peace. I love her dearly, and she will live in me forever.

The second goodbye hasn't even been finalized yet, but I can hear it creeping up. The deafening sound of it is reverberating in my ears. This is it. Years and years of loose ends and possibilities and maybes. I can hear it cracking in the dryness of the winter and the rawness of the pain seeping out of my blood. I know that this goodbye is one that breaks apart the millions of possibilities the "hello" presented many years ago on a cold January night in Colorado. This goodbye that is lingering in the near future is something that I do not want. I want the potential and the easy silence this person brings to my daily living, but the goodbye is what is coming. It's all there is to do. Really. I have been falling down this rabbit hole of a goodbye for many months now. Grasping for air and wondering if he will ever come pull me out. I have known that he is standing on the ground above me laughing and living and moving forward, while I just wait for him to come back to me. So, I yelled "GOODBYE!" and I am just waiting for him to come back and say bye. I don't know for certain if that will be the response I get, but I sense it's what's to come.

I'm not sure if the actual goodbye is the hardest part, or if it's the waiting that's crushing, or it's the aftermath of it all. For me, it's all of it.

I'm just in search of all things beautiful. People say that goodbyes have a sort of beauty to them because they are the closure to an old time and the start of a new time. For me, they are too sad for me.

I'm not overwhelmed with sadness right now, but I am in a reflective state of mind. Looking at the two contrasting goodbyes. One is peaceful, because there are no regrets. This woman lived her life all the years she could have. She took every breath and every chance and loved everyone and took it all in and did all the things she wanted to do. The second goodbye is the opposite. It's a goodbye filled with wonder and what ifs. It is a goodbye that no one knows what could have been had it not had to happen.

Just a Few Words

2011-11-29T11:38:00.001-08:00

"I’d like to repeat the advice that I gave you before, in that I think you really should make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt.So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future.The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."
-Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild

"I Was Here"

2011-11-16T20:37:00.001-08:00

I wanna leave my footprints on the sands of time
Know there was something that, and something that I left behind
When I leave this world, I'll leave no regrets
Leave something to remember, so they won't forget

I was here
I lived, I loved
I was here
I did, I've done, everything that I wanted
And it was more than I thought it would be
I will leave my mark so everyone will know
I was here

I want to say I lived each day, until I die
And know that I meant something in, somebody's life
The hearts I have touched, will be the proof that I leave
That I made a difference, and this world will see

I was here
I lived, I loved
I was here
I did, I've done, everything that I wanted
And it was more than I thought it would be

I will leave my mark so everyone will know

I just want them to know
That I gave my all, did my best
Brought someone to hapiness
Left this world a little better just because

I was here

(thanks Beyonce for reminding me)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLLzkLO8Sh4

Pretending

2011-11-07T19:30:00.000-08:00

Some days I smile just to smile. I pretend that I have it all together. I put on a good show, those around me really have no idea how broken apart I am inside. I wear a smile on my face, and I keep a positive attitude, and I do everything I can to make sure that those around me and that the jobs I am assigned to do are complete.

I am certain sometimes that it's the only way I have gotten through life thus far. Holding it all together as best I can while others are around, and then crying on the drive home. I know sometimes that we are supposed to talk to other people about things and it's supposed to make us feel better. But, lately, for me...it's just been better to do what I need to do throughout the day and sometimes at night. Then go home and let it all fall apart.

I most of the time feel like no one understands. So, I may have someone to talk to or bounce ideas off of and just let me spill out my thoughts...but I seem to end up feeling more alone than I did before I even mentioned anything.

As I have said numerous times. I have a great life, and I do not think otherwise. I know have been blessed time and time again. I know that I have gifts and talents straight from the Lord. And I am overwhelmed with gratitude and appreciation for the parents I have, and the friends I have met along the way. I am thankful for the hard times I have had to go through and the pain I have had to overcome to turn me into the person that I am. Perhaps this gratitude and thankfulness is what makes me able to continue to smile even in times of turmoil.

It doesn't change the fact that sometimes I just cry. I cry because I am lonely, and I am sad because I cannot be with who I want to be with. I cry because I feel I cannot do enough to help my students. I cry because of the situation my students are in. I cry because I have too much work to do and not enough time to do it in. I cry because there are children everywhere that are hungry. I cry because I want to do so many different things, like get my M.S.W. or M.F.T. and my Masters Degree in Special Education and I want to be a counselor and a teacher and a Program Specialist and a Director and a Leader and an advocate and an attorney and I want to volunteer in Mexico at an orphanage and I want to learn to speak Spanish and Italian and French and Sign Language. And I cry because I fear I will never have enough time to do it all. And then I cry even more because I feel I am going to do it all alone, and never have someone to come home to and talk to about it. I believe all these things are rational and logical reasons to cry every so often. But, what makes me cry even more is that at one point in my life, I had someone who supported me and loved me and cared for me deeply and who would have helped me in any way possible accomplish and reach all of my goals and dreams and would have been cheering me on at the finish line, and would have picked me back up every time that I fell down... And I lost that person. And I miss that person. And I long to be with that person every single day that passes by.

This is the first time in my life I have ever regretted something, and the regret is weighing down on me. Covering me up. Putting a darkness over me that I have not experienced in this capacity before. I know that like all storms, this too shall pass. It's just a matter of when, and a matter of me making it through this, and a matter of me just letting the time go by. It's hard. Some days more than others. Today is one of the harder days, so I cried.

http://theworldwelivein.tumblr.com/page/2

This picture perfectly describes where I feel I am at. I am just walking down the road by myself, and I have to get all the way over those mountains to reach the next path. Maybe there will be someone waiting on the other side, maybe there won't be. I know I will have the strength and the food and water to survive, but I have no idea what's on the other side, and I have no idea how long I will have to be on this journey alone.

Being Reminded

2011-10-31T21:48:00.000-07:00

Today I was reminded of a few things from a good friend of mine.

I was reminded that I am worth goodness and great things.
I was reminded that I need to believe in the unknown possibilities.
I was reminded that I have to let go.
I have to be open.
I need to be willing to try new things.
I need to change my closed perspective on certain "beliefs."
I am a constant growing and changing human being and I need to understand that so is everyone else.
Things happen as they are meant to.
My grasp is too firm.
Life will be as it is and I just take it as it comes.

I sometimes forget that I am meant to be exactly where I am. I sometiems lose sight that things will be as they are meant to be, whether they are as I planned them or not. Life has a way of working itself out. God has a bigger plan for me than I could imagine. Life is not perfect.

Today I vow to open my heart even though it might hurt. Today I will try harder at being free to new experiences. Today I will promise to myself, and my friends and those that have supported me to try to really just stop being so uptight on the inside. Just really love each moment as it happens, and stop trying to change the past and predict the future.

Getting Back

2011-10-28T21:49:00.000-07:00

For the longest time I thought I wanted to get ahead. I was rushing for the next "big thing" that was coming. I was looking for adventure. I was seeking new things, new experiences and new ways to do something old. I always wanted to be somewhere different, know different people, be in a time somewhere in the future. The future always seemed bright and better than the today I was living in. I was rushing through the daily things just so that I could get ahead.

I still sort of do that now. I live for what's ahead. I'm trying to be better about it. Just breathing in the day to day things that come and go, ever so quietly. Because I realize that pretty soon the future I thought I was waiting for is today, and I don't even know how I got here. I was so busy rushing through it that I couldn't enjoy it.

The weird thing for me though, is that even though I am still waiting for something that is unknown and most definitely in the future...I am trapped in the thoughts in my mind that getting back, moving backwards would make things better. I keep looking behind me at all I lost, all I left behind, all the mistakes I made, all the poor choices that have left me half empty and wholly broken.

It's unlike me to look back. I have never really been one to do so. But something about the recent, and not so recent past has been haunting me. I do not recognize who I am anymore. I do not know where to plant my feet. I do not know what is true and what is fabricated in my mind. I am unsteady and unsure and I am looking back and holding on to memories and people and little moments in the day to day life that I let pass me by so fast. When I was living in the time "back then" I didn't think about what I had. I thought I had it bad, and awful, so I was just doing everything I could to get out of it.

Looking back...I wish I could just go back. I know it's impossible. So, I am just trying to take it day-by-day and realize that this right now, right here, in the middle of a Barnes and Noble on a Friday night, alone...it's my life. It's okay. Beacuse some things are beautiful about it. There are other people around me on their laptops, and I can smell the coffee brewing at Starbucks and people are reading and holding hands and sitting alone and dressed crazy. And it's just life. Happening right here. Right around me.

As much as I want to be back to where I was, and as broken as my heart is, I am just trying to love the now. Love the people I am with. Love the ones who I can share my life with. There are several people I don't get to see, and lost friends, and missing friends, and all sorts of things that have happened but I am not alone. Just this morning I saw two old friends from high school in the Starbucks, and I was reminded how nice it is to see old familiar faces. And today at school, I was reminded that kids just want to have fun and laugh and play jokes and dress up in costumes and have fun. I realize that it's a blessing to be around them all day because they breathe life into this world. These children who I work with every day are the future, and in some way, I am helping shape the future. That is amazing.

The heaviness of my heart is less when I am at school, around my students. So, I have to be thankful for that. It is in the later hours of the night, when I realize that I don't get to hold hands or kiss or feel loved by someone, that I get sad. I do wish I had someone here next to me reading his book or holding my hand or sipping hot cocoa with me. I just have to know that might just have to be a part of my future, and not a part of my now. It's hard because I had it, and I know how wonderful it was, and I was stupid and I did selfish and reckless things. I guess, next time it comes around, if it ever does again, I will know the true value of it. And, hopefully then I won't be thinking about getting it back, or going back, or wanting it back. I will know that what I have is a gift and I will cherish it.

I just hope I don't have to wait too long...I get impatient about these sorts of things.

What I also hope, is that I am not the only one who feels this way.

The Spaces

2011-10-27T22:26:00.000-07:00

Right now I am just trying to figure out what to do with all the empty spaces. There seems to be all this air in my body, mind and heart. The space is being filled with mostly regret. Some smiles. Mishaps. and then more regret. I wish I could say I was happy all the time. For the most part I am. I am blessed and busy and full. But right now... the emptiness is ever present.

True Words in Song

Turning Leaves

2011-10-24T21:43:00.000-07:00

Okay, so my friend took this picture, and I can't take credit for it. In some ways it makes me want to get an iPhone, just so I can take cool instagram photos, or whatever you call this thing.

Anyway, yesterday I spent three hours at a pumpkin patch with three wonderful ladies. We had great talks on the way to the patch, and some laughs at the patch. Overall, it was a good good day. The kind that makes me so happy that it's fall and it rememinded me how much I just LOVE LOVE October. I still think it is my favorite month. Although, I didn't enjoy it this year as much as I normally do, the day at the patch helped bring me back to its wonders.

As I was looking back at the photos from the day (about 250ish), I was reminded of where I was this time last year. I thought about how much had changed, and how my life had really been filled in just a year. I realized all the new people that I talk to, trust, love, and cherish now this year that I didn't have in my life last October. At least, they weren't in my life the way they are now. I thought about all the new friends I made, all the fun stuff I had done in the last year.

In just a year, I consider my core group of friends a totally different set of people than I did this time last year. I realized that people come and go and seasons change and people change and needs change. So, the people that are in my life now, are the people that are meant to be with me in this season and vice versa. They are teachers and counselors and scrapbookers and old friends and new friends. Everyone mingles well and gets along and we are always laughing and life is good. I dance and I sing loud in the car and I play when I want to play and I rest when I need to rest. I say yes when I want to, and I say no when I want to. I plan ahead for fun activities, and I do spur of the moment activities. I am applying to a Master's program. I am content in my job. I am seeking ways to be closer to God. I am venturing out into the unknown and inside me I have a peace. A peace that comes when life is good and full and blessed.

The leaves are reminding me that things change. They are always changing. Nothing stays the same. Things must transform, die, and be regrown. It is part of life, part of nature, part of all of us. Every single year things change. Every few months things change. The turning of the leaves this year signifies more to me than it ever has before, because for me, it's time to let the old die off. It's a time for me to rebuild and regrow. I need to keep my roots in the ground but I need to replenish.

And I am constantly reminded of one of my favorite bible verses:

There is a time for every event under heaven ~
A time to give birth, and a time to die; A time to plant, and a time to uproot what is planted.
A time to kill, and a time to heal; A time to tear down, and a time to build up.
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn, and a time to dance.
A time to throw stones, and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace, and a time to shun embracing.
A time to search, and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep, and a time to throw away.
A time to tear apart, and a time to sew together; A time to be silent, and a time to speak.

A time to love, and a time to hate; A time for war, and a time for peace.

Ecclisiasties 3: 1-9

Inspiration

2011-10-15T20:47:00.000-07:00

I know there have been lots of things that have been difficult for me to process through, or deal with, or to let go of. But, regardless of what's been going on I have been constantly seeking inpiration. Through quotes, or books, or pictures or anything that will shed some light into my thinking and my daily living. I thought I would share some of my inspiration.

"Work your hardest. Think your smartest. Dream your biggest. Be your greatest. Love you fullest. Smile your brightest."

Years ago a John Hopkin's professor gave a group of graduate students this assignment: Go to the slums. Take 200 boys, between the ages of 12 and 16, and investigate their background and environment. Then predict their chances for the future. The students, after consulting social statistics, talking to the boys, and compiling much data, concluded that 90 percent of the boys would spend some time in jail.

Twenty-five years later another group of graducate students was given the job of testing the prediction. They went back to the same area. Some of the boys - by then men - were still there, a few had died, some had moved away, but they got in touch with 180 of the original 200. They found that only four of the group had ever been sent to jail.

Why was it that these men, who had lived in a breeding place of crime, had such a surprisingly good record? The researchers were continually told: "Well, there was a teacher..."

They pressed further, and found that in 75 percent of the cases it was the same woman. The researchers went to this teacher, now living in a home for retired teachers. How had she exerted this remarkable influence over that group of children? Could she give them any reason why these boys should have remembered her?

"No," she said, "no I really couldn't." And then, thinking back over the years, she said musingly, more to herself than to her questioners: "I loved those boys...."
Bits & Pieces - June 1995
Economics Press

On Happiness

2011-10-08T20:52:00.001-07:00

Lately, I have realized how dismal and unhappy my posts have been. Mostly, because my life has appeared to be dismal and unhappy. I keep seeing the bad, keep feeling the ripple affects of the negative energy abounding in my day to day living. It seems tears well up in my eyes at anything even slightly heart wrenching. Sometimes I cry at things that are happy, because I don't know how to handle it. But, what I have come to learn in the very hard and trying last few months are a few things I didn't quite understand before. I am hoping my insights stick with me and i can manage to pull my myself out of what seems to have been some dark times.

1. I have some really good friends. And, I have some really crappy ones. The good ones love and adore me for the creation and individual that I am. They know that I can be stubborn, make poor choices, and be kind of a pain in the bum. But, they also know that I will do anything for them, will always be honest, and help them in any way possible, whenever possible. With the crappy friends, I just realize and see that there is no reason for me to keep them around. An acquaintance or "friend" is not worth it to me. I'm busy, and i have limited time these days. To spend my time and energy on and for people who wouldn't do the same for me is silly. I need to give my time and love to those who would do the same for me. And the people I have in my life that are my real friends are great. It reminds me of a quote: "as you get older you start to realize who really matters, who never did, and who always will."

2. My happiness does not depend on anyone else. I have been blessed and given many gifts, and to deny them and want something more or different would be a denial of the wonderful things I have been given. I need to take the time daily to appreciate what I have, and stop thinking or wanting what I don't have.

3. Life just isn't easy. Not for me. Not for you. Not for anyone. People all over the world experience tremendous amounts of pain and loss and suffering all throughout their life. What makes life worth it are the moments when our hearts are full of love and joy. I can be happy knowing that I have had many of these moments, the ones where I look around in awe at the people I love and the laughter I get to share and the memories I have been able to create. Each person and moment in my life is a gift. I didn't earn it, nor do I particularly deserve it, but I was given it. And, as hard as life may be the joyful moments are still there and those moments are what make it all worth it.

4. Perfection is an illusion. I have always strived to make everything perfect. My job, my life, my house, my school work, my everything, my this, my that. It had to be perfect and nothing could be out of order. Often times it has to be so perfect I'm compulsive about it. I can't stop until it's done, and I can't leave the room until the mess is clean, or I can't leave work until all tasks are checked off. In my relationships, I try to make him be perfect. I want him to like the exact same kind of music and want Mexican food for dinner the exact nights I want Mexican. And I want him to buy my flowers on the days I'm feeling sad without me having to tell him I'm sad. Crazzzy, right? I know. I know. So, I'm starting to stop trying to make everything perfect in my life. Basically, stop trying to control every tiny aspect. I am learning to let it go. It's a slow process for me. And, its a hard process. I know I have to wake up every single day and remind myself that nothing can be perfect. There will always be something missing, or wrong, or forgotten. All i can do is the best i know how, and that sometimes the best i can do is to surrender whatever i am trying to perfect. Let it just be what it is and stop trying to fit it into my mold or my ideaolgies.

5. NOTHING WORTH HAVING IS EASY!!! I mean, seriously! How did I not know this? Real important, valuable things in this life require hard work, dedication, commitment, love, sacrifice, flexibility, and most importantly, patience! My God, do they require patience. This lesson in-it-of-itself is probably the hardest thing for me to come to terms with. I will be honest, my whole life things came easy. If I wanted a job, I got the job. If I wanted the boy, I got the boy. If I needed money or help, I got it. I never really had to wait long for it either. Things just sort of flowed easily to me. I can't tell you how, I just know they did. Up until this year...when, how do you say..."shit got real,". The job I wanted didn't work out this year. For a variety of reasons, it just didn't. So now I'm stuck working in a place that sucks the joy from me, rather than filing me up. The boy I want, and the relationship I long to be in, has been damaged, by my own selfish doing. So, I long and I hope for a relationship that I know may never come again. Lastly, I just want to be done with school. I feel like I am tied down, which I am. I can't go anywhere until I finish this teaching program. It's going to take another two years...which requires me to have the patience and commitment to follow through on what I started. Which I am not good at when that requires patience. I can follow through on short-term items, but have a much more difficult time on tasks that require long term commitments. All in all, there's a lot going through my head and even more so, a lot weighing on my heart. I'm doing the best I can to put a smile on my face and be happy, but it is very difficult. But at least I'm trying.

I still cry almost every day, and my heart has a constant empty and unhappy feeling to it...but at least I haven't given up yet. If I could afford it, I would have probably run away by now. That's what I do. I run. I run away from things that are hard, and difficult and require change on my part. I am realizing now though, that I cant keep running, i have to face myself and my demons and my fears and all my heartache. It will never go away until I figure this out. I'm taking it one step at a time. One-tiny-baby step-at-a-time....

Music is the Sound of My Soul

2011-09-24T18:38:00.000-07:00

Chris Daughtry's "Crawling Back to You":

Lessons learned and bridges burned to the ground
and it's to late now to put out the fire tables turn
and I'm the ones who's burning now
well I'm doing all right till I close my eyes
and then I see your face and it's no surprise..

And just like that I'm crawling back to you
just like you said I would yeah..
swallow my pride I'm crawling back to you
I'm out of my head can't wait any longer
I'm down on my knee's I thought I was stronger
just like that just like you said I would do
I'm crawling back to you

Time can heal, but the scars only hide the way you feel
and it's hard to forget how I left you hanging
holding by a thread,when everything is said
I regret it Yeah I was doin all right then I see your face and
it's hard to fake it.

And just like that I'm crawling back to you
just like you said I would yeah..
swallow my pride I'm crawling back to you
I'm out of my head can't wait any longer
I'm down on my knee's I thought I was stronger
just like that just like you said I would do
I'm crawling back to you

If I could find away I would to give everything I know
I would take it all back If only I knew that I could.
lessons learned and bridges burned to the ground
and it's to late now to put out the fire.

Seriously? SERRRIOUSLY? Seriouslyyyyyyyyyyy?

2011-09-18T20:54:00.000-07:00

"You have got to be kidding me." Literally, the words out of my mouth when I reached the end of my rope, I had run into the the last thing I honestly couldn't take. The friend I trusted and relyed on and looked up to as a mentor and role model, was full of shit. Seriously. (side note: everything in my life has gone to shit, including my computer so this is being typed from a borrowed Ipad. I will do my best to check for auto-corrects that are inevitably terribly off and incorrect, but if something is wrong I do take the time right now to blame Apple)

Anyway, as I was saying. My life is seriously a friggin' HOT MESS. I don't even know where to begin. As much as I have tried not to be Debbie downer in my day to day living, I have finally reached a point where I realize I just should not talk to other humans because whatever I say will be negative, involve a slew of terrible profanity, and will make me teary eyed. I honestly thought that I was done being bashed around for a while, then Thursday came, and then Friday came, and then Saturday. Three days of straight slaps across the face. 1. an ex, who I missed and loved dearly, who chose to ignore me for months and days and weeks decides that it's finally time for him to tell me he misses me and needs to see me and he can't stop thinking about me...yet, he has a girlfriend of 5 months. Well, he says all these things to me and then ignores me when I text him the next day. Then he promises to call, and fell through on that. Foolish me. SLAP 1. Slep 2 occurred Friday, at an unexpected meeting. I found out this guy that I was really starting to kinda fall for, and who has been in contact with me daily...apparently has someone he has been dating. AND, in case it wasn't bad enough, it just so happens that I work with her. The 3rd and final slap of my hat-trick occurred Saturday when a friend, or someone I thought was a friend, decided it be best to put me on total blast. And not just in front of other friend, but colleagues, peers, and an academic advisor. At which point, when I was made to feel like the biggest fool since Britney shaving her head, I lost my cool. I couldn't take it anymore. I has been thrown about for months. Emotions on high, people treating me like total garbage, and life just throwing every curveball and shitty thing possible my way. I left the room of people that were all staring at me as though I were the worst person in the world, and I got in my car and I drove. I drove in circles. I drove no where. I drove fast and wreckless and with the music so loud I couldn't hear my own thoughts.

I contemplated driving to Chicago. Just not stopping until I got there. Then., I realized I had $60 in my bank account and that'd barely be enough gas to get me to the California border. Then, I thought about driving to a good friends house, and I realized there wer no good friends house to drive to. My two best friends are across the country in Hong Kong, and Africa. And, all my exs, who I used to call in times like these, are either married, engaged, dating/living with girlfriends or wives, therefore are unable to assist me in my melt down. This realization made me cry harder and deeper then I can ever remember crying. I wept and wept and wept, which seems to be a trend of mine these days.

So seriously, seriously seriously.... Life sucks right now. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to wake up. It hurts to try to smile and act like it's all ok. I'm lost. Lost in the dense fog of reality. I'm stuck and I don't know how to get out. I feel like the guy from the movie 126 Hours. Pretty soon I am going to have to cut off my own arm, if I want any chance at surviving. Seriously.

Longing

2011-08-28T22:36:00.000-07:00

The thing with missing someone or something, mostly someone, is that their absence cannot be filled by anything other than them. It's a terrible feeling really. No amount of cupcakes or laughs with other friends or Vente Iced Black Teas from Starbucks can fill the void caused by this someone being taken away. The reality of their absence is emptiness. An empty empty place in the chest cavity. It's sometimes overwhelming and terribly sad and it rips the heart right out from behind the rib cage and exposes it to stinging fresh air and the lungs are gripping breaths and the stomach flips and cries anxiety.

My whole body aches at the loss. Tears fall from my eyes at great lengths. I weep deep heavy and hard cries. Sadness is in my hands, and it is seeping in and out of my pours. My whole body reacts to the desperateness. I can often drown myself in the gloom. For me, it feel likes there is a box of bricks sitting on my chest and I can't take a deep enough breath. And a sense of not being able to take another breath comes over me. Then I realize that the only thing that can take the fear of it all being over away from me, is the smile on that person's face.

My reality is that sometimes I remember beautiful moments with this person and I realize how lucky I was at the time to have them. But the thing that hurts is that I never said anything. I never said thank you, I never looked the person in the eye and told them I loved them. I never realized that the moments would be taken from me. As cliche as it is to say, I never cherished the time for what it was when I had it. Now I regret not telling the person that I was blessed to know them. Not breathing in every moment of life that this person gave to me. Daily, sometimes even hourly, I remember the belly laughs, and jokes, the tears, the truth, the honesty, but more importantly I remember the rawness of our bond. It was there regardless of whatever else was going on, or who was around, there was simply a bond. A person-to-person, you-get-me, you-accept-me, you-breathe-life-into-me, kind of bond.

I feel like I wasted the short amount of time I was given. I feel angry that the time was stolen from me. I'm confused why it ended the way it did. I feel unsure of what my next step should be. I feel crushed and unwhole and lost and confused.

This person will probably never know the full extend of how wonderful their existence was in my life. I'm not sure if I ever will fully understand it either. All I know is that now that they are gone, a constant undertone of anguish and hopelessness has seeped into my daily living.

"i can't take back what i've done, but if I could, i damn sure would."

wherever you are. i love you.

When It Rains It Pours

2011-08-16T15:42:00.001-07:00

It was a saying I heard back in college when a dear friend of mine had his life turned upside down. It was the summertime and his live-in girlfriend cheated on him and left him for another guy, he crashed his car and got a DUI, was arrested for some other sort of public indecency, and got fired from his job. That same time my friend introduced me to Coldplay and I listened to the X&Y CD everyday. Nearly every song on that able was meant for people who were going through hard times. At the very time it was raining in my friends life, it was pouring in mine as well. My best friend had slept with my boyfriend of 4 years, and he left me. My father was hospitalized, and then shortly thereafter got an infection that could have been fatal, and I had gotten fired from my job. It was a terrible terrible time and there was rain day in and day out. I remember that time vividly because it was without a doubt the darkest time in my life. Some of the lyrics from the Coldplay CD still reverberate in my ears now:

“Every step that you take could be your biggest mistake.
It could bend, or it could break, That's the risk that you take.” –What If

“And the hardest part was letting go not taking part
Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do just comes undone
And everything is torn apart.” -The Hardest Part

“I don't know which way I'm going
I don't know which way I've come
Hold my head... inside your hands
I need someone... who understands
I need someone... someone who hears.” –’Til Kingdom comes

“Is there anybody out there who
Is lost and hurt and lonely too?
Are you bleeding all your colors into one
And if you come undone
As if you've been run through
Some catapult it fired you
You wonder if your chance will ever come
Or if you're stuck in square one.” –Square One

The lyrics from that album transcended into the depths of me and spoke to me in a way that music never had before. I think my friend being in just as dark of a place and giving me music to express the pain was a blessing. Albeit I listened to that CD at full volume daily, it was the words of my friend that truly stuck with me. WHEN IT RAINS IT POURS. Albeit, he did not come up with the phrase on his own, I had never heard it before he said it, so in some ways he coined the term in my mental dictionary.

At this season of my life, the phrase seems to, once again, be appropriate. Sadly. It seems that everything that could go wrong or be wrong or suck or hurt is going wrong or sucking or hurting or causing me pain. Just when I think I get a moment to catch my breath and break away from the storm, another round comes pouring down. Some nights this summer I have been in my bed wondering how all this happened. Just a few months ago I was filled with overwhelming joy and completion and happiness and I was in the best place of my life. Now, I am sitting longing for what was, wishing for what isn’t, and cursing what is. I don’t know when the attitude shifted or when things became dark in my life, but I have a good guess.

I think the my outlook on my world starting on a downward rolling pattern when I realized that the world was cruel and unjust on May 5th. For the sake of security, I can’t go into explicit details. But, I will say that someone who needed me more than I needed them was taken from me. People don’t understand that some people (i.e. me) have pure intentions. I was put in a situation where I had to ignore the fact that I cared about someone and that I was helping them. I had to move forward as though I knew nothing, and ignore the fact that I got really close to this person over the last several months. I truly believe that in this life we are meant to see one another through. It is our job, and my sole conviction, to help people in any way possible to make this journey of life easier for them. I try to be a good friend, a good listener, someone who cares, and someone who gives everything. I do not hold back when it comes to people who are important to me. When I care about someone, I do everything I can to make them feel loved and special and understood. I also, do everything I can to know and learn every part of that person, good and bad and accept them for what they are. I’m by no means perfect, and sometimes I do a bad job of it. But, when I invest myself into someone, I really give it all. And, when I spend months getting to know someone and learning how to make life easier for them, and supporting them through the ups and downs that come and go, and then they are taken from me for no reason…I am reminded. Life is cruel. More importantly, things happen for no reason at all. Bad things. Bad things to good people. And more bad things happen to people who have had bad things happen to them their whole lives. When it rains, it pours.

I could go into all the details of why I think it’s raining in my life. But, that’s not my point right now. My point is, how long must I put up with the storm before a little sunshine comes my way? I’m trying my darndest to change my attitude and outlook on life. It still seems that at the end of every day, all I want to do is cry and sleep it all away. When will it stop? When will it just go away and things go back to being normal? I also have this terrible yearning in me for a relationship and I think that when I get a boyfriend everything will just make sense again. Which, logically is an illogical mindset to have. I just need something to get my mind off everything because I feel like I am on the brink of a mental breakdown. Legitimately going insane.

I understand that when it rains it pours, I learned that many summers ago in my youth and I am reliving in the same type of season now. But, I just wish someone would come alongside me and offer me an umbrella.

Summertime and the Livin’ is Easy?

2011-07-25T10:25:00.001-07:00

As a teacher, most of my time is spent wishing for a moment to catch my breath. I am running around constantly for meetings, disciplinary actions, returning parent phone calls, attending staff meetings, reading for book clubs, going to professional development or trainings, chasing a student who stole a starburst off my desk, asking kids how their day is going, checking in with those who answered in a negative way, modifying math tests for students with learning disabilities, emailing teachers on student progress, helping kids with homework, helping kids with classwork, helping kids tie their shoes*, having conferences with the principal, having conferences with the vice principal, talking to the front office staff because without them I would be totally lost, visiting with my mentor teacher about protocol and advice, and the list can go on and on and on. I mean my duties are boundless. I love every minute of it and would have it no other way, but when I do find myself in between activities, I am wishing for just a chance to take a quick nap, or rest my body for a minute. Now that it is summer and the time has come for me to rest, my life has become, how do you say?….BORING!

Oh my gosh, I looonnnnng for hectic days. I wish I had students who had troubles coming to me every minute so that I had to solve a crisis. These days, I get up and go to Starbucks and strike up a conversation with the Half-n-Half because no one else is around. I spend my afternoons trying to take a nap but can’t fall asleep because the previous evenings 12-hour slumber was more than enough sleep for 3 days. Most people would think they might envy me if our situations were reversed, but let me tell you something. Having nothing to do is like having nothing to do. And then I end up getting so bored that I don’t know what to do and my motivation is down, and then I get bored that I’m bored and it’s a never ending spiral of boredom. People tell me to get a hobby. Well, people, my hobbies are reading books and scrapbooking. Currently I am reading 4 different books at the same time. YES. F-O-U-R. Because one is just boring. I also have been scrapbooking a little bit, but at the end of the day when it’s beautiful outside, scrapbooking sounds like a terrible idea. I want to be in the sun and soaking up some vitamin D. I want to be getting supppper tan. But, I have found that there are only so many hours that can be spent by the pool alone. Yo0u know, people have jobs. They can’t just be lounging around at the pool with me all day. Albeit, I have tried to convince many of them to play hooky.

So, as a result of my boredom and the other hectic things going on in my life…I have become a recluse. I hate people. I do. And then, I end up fighting any invitation to converse with the human race. My patience level has completely sunk below sea level, and my tolerance for stupidity is at an all time low. (Mind you I am a middle school teacher). So, I have mostly shut off all of my friends. For their own choices really, they bailed on me and I figured that people who bail on me aren’t worth my time. I have stopped calling or texting people back, the ones that actually take the time to say something to me. The only two people I talk to are my mom and dad. Yup, I’m a 26-year-old grown woman who only talks to her mother and father. Pathetic really. But the thought of anything else sounds hard, and demanding and time consuming and like it’s going to end up letting me down.

So, I can’t wait until August 25th because then I can bury myself in my job and my students and forget that life is happening all around me. I can consume myself with my job, my students and their needs, and not worry about anything that’s going on with me. They need me more than I do, so it’ll end up working out okay. It did last year. I survived, and the joy that I had from working with those students is something I will never forget. I believe in the beauty of their dreams and know that given the right push, that they will be successful and talented and upstanding citizens.

I still have a month of this “easy living” and I am just trying to think how I am going to make it through. I am already devising my plan for next summer. I think I might end up going to some Spanish speaking country and work in an orphanage and loving on those kids for the summer months. Rather than sitting around wasting my time and talents and God given gifts on drinking iced tea, shopping and lounging at the pool.

--------

*Okay, so I teach middle-school students so the shoe tying thing doesn’t happen, but for the sake of the argument I needed to throw it in there.

What’s With Them?

2011-07-09T21:53:00.001-07:00

Okay, so at first I was excited to be involved in this new romantic thing I have going on. I thought it was exciting and new and fun and fresh…and now my mind has gotten the best of me. I am over thinking things. I am worried. I am anxious like crazy about it. My mind is in non-stop thinking mode.

Should I text him? Should I not text him? Should I ask him to hang out? Is he like every other guy, with one motive? He texts me every day, almost like clockwork, that means the likes me, right? He told me today he’s been missing me all week, that means he likes me, right? Am I getting ahead of myself by thinking about what will happen with us in 6 months? Would I scare him if I asked him what he really wanted?…

It’s stupid what I really want. Or mostly, it seems minor and simple to me what I want. I just haven’t the “balls” to ask him if he wants it to. You ready. It’s big. i guess? I don’t think I ever thought twice about it before, but not knowing if he wants the same thing makes me nervous. All I really want is for him to spend the night. I love sleepovers. They are my favorite. I sleep better and I just feel safe. I just want a snuggle buddy. Someone next to me so I don’t feel so alone through all this crap. I just want to know that someone is on my side. I just want to wake up and smile because there is a hottie next to me. This new guy is SUPER cute. I mean…so cute I get tongue tied. I don’t mean to get cheesy, corny and teenagee on you, but it’s true. I haven’t been with someone this cute…in years. If ever. I am worried I am not cute enough for him, I am so worried I am too fat or too cottage cheesy or too old or too different than him for him to actually like me. It’s really crazy how many of my insecurities are creeping up and screaming at me.

Being with him/meeting him has made me totally re-evaluate what I actually want right now. I can’t say I’m emotionally available for a this big serious commitment, which is what I thought I wanted. But maybe, for now, I just want someone hot and fun and easy going. Someone who is not going to make things a big deal and who is just going to go with the flow. I thought I was over that phase in my life, I thought I outgrew it and that I was over it…but perhaps it’s what I need right now. Just someone who will make me smile and feel good (when my insecurities aren’t at the forefront of my mind). Not that any of those are his fault. He tells me all the time how hot I am and how much he likes me daily. I should trust that and not worry about what my own brain thinks. I just don’t know what I want. Really, I don’t know what he wants. And it’s too early to ask.

It’s driving me mad. Literally. I hate it… I’m much better with comfortable things. This should be exciting, right? I should be pumped that I have a new romantic love interest. I just hate not knowing when it will end, or when it will even start. I get all in a twist not knowing what to say or what to do or what to expect. Are we going to hang out? What should we do? Does he like hanging out with me? Does he want to do something fun? Does he want to do something mellow? Will he want to hang out the nights/times that I have plans? Should I ask him to hang out? Should I wait for him to ask me? Why is there even a game element to this whole thing at all anyways…BahHumBug!

This song is the only thing calming me down right now. Javier Colon’s rendition of Coldplay’s song “Fix You.”

Javier Colon - Fix You

Tight Chest Pain

2011-07-08T16:11:00.001-07:00

It’s a little thing called anxiety. I used to believe it was just a myth. That anything you wanted to make go away that had to do with your body, you could. I believed that anxiety was all a part of the mind and that nothing would be greater than your own ability to think away the anxiety. I used to believe that people were making this stuff up. NO WAY! It can’t be that bad. Then…one night, i began to realize, on a real level, what anxiety really was. I’m not exactly sure what gave me anxiety that first night but I remember the feeling. I thought my heart was going to literally explode. It felt like it was about ready to burst inside my chest cavity. I felt like I was about to throw up, and like my stomach was full of acid. I had a slow murmur in the back of my head and it seemed as though I would literally stop breathing at any moment. Pretty scary feeling. It’s been coming and going through the years, some days worse than others, never unmanageable. Just uncomfortable, and semi-scary.

Currently I have had the annoying tight chest pain/my heart is going to explode feeling for the past few days. There are a variety of events that have made me fall into this numbing anxiety level. Mostly, it’s the uncertainty that is surrounding me. I’m overly concerned for more than one person that I love dearly. Each person has a different reason for me to be worried, all of which very valid. One of them I miss more than ever and haven’t heard from in a long time. I’m worried if they are okay, I’m worried what’s been going on, and I’m worried if they know that they are loved. Another person that is probably the closest person to me in my life, is at a crux in his health. I have no control or any say in the situation, so I am forced to sit back and watch and do nothing. If you know me at all, you will know that this is a very hard for me. Nearly impossible. The other person that I am very concerned about is probably just as close to me as the last one that I mentioned. I am worried for this person because I am not sure what is going on. Again, it’s hard for me to sit back and let things be as they are and have no say in how that is. There is also another situation in my life that is causing me some anxiety: a new relationship. Now, well it’s all very exciting and fun and great, it still sends my nerves through a huge shock wave. does he really like me? does he really mean what he said? does he miss me when he’s not with me? does he think the things that I do? How can i be thinking about a boy when all these other big things are going on in my life? Am I a terrible person for wanting something good when the people I love are in pain? What if this guy doesn’t like me? Right now, he seems to be the only thing to distract me, then what if he goes away?

Mostly, this tight chest pain is filling up my life and it’s causing me to sleep terribly. It’s causing my mind to feel like it is constantly in flight or fight mode. Always alert, overly active, and filled with constant thoughts. I can’t get a moment of peace. I try to put on my headphones and drown out my own voice (usually what helps me) but even that is not working. I’m not sure what to do. I can take deep breaths. I can keep trying to drown out my own thoughts with loud noises. I can try to take a walk or work out. I don’t know. All I know is that my heart feels like it is going to detonate right beneath my rib cage.

I think I know the cure, or a way to slightly numb the pain, but that wont happen for at least another two days…until then…wish me luck.

“Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark. In the hopeless swamp
of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all, do not let the hero in your soul perish
and leave only frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach.
The world you desire can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.”
(-ayn rand-)

Sure Thing

2011-07-05T12:22:00.000-07:00

Can't get this song out of my head, and I can't take it off repeat on my ipod.

MIGUEL "SURE THING":

Love You Like a Brother
Treat you like a friend
Respect you like a lover
You could bet that
Never gotta sweat that

If you be the cash. I'll be the rubberband
You be the match, Imma be your fuse
Boom!
Painter baby you could be the muse
I'm the reporter baby you could be the news
Cause your the cigarette and I'm the smoker
We raise a bet...Cause you're tha joker
Truth tho...
You are the chalk and I could be the blackboard
And you can be the talk and I could be the walk

Even when the sky comes falling
Even when the sun don't shine
I got faith in you and I
So put your pretty little hand in mine
Even when we're down to the wire babe
Even when it's do or die
We can do it baby simple and plain
Cause This Love Is a Sure Thing

You could be the lover I'll be the fighter babe
If I'm the blunt you could be the lighter babe
Fire it up!
Writer babe you could be the quote
If I'm the lyric baby you could be the note
Record that!
Saint, I'm a sinner, prize, I'm a winner
And it's you
What can I do to deserve that
Paper baby I'll be the pen
Say that I'm the one cause you are ten
real and not pretend!

Even when the sky comes fallin
Even when the sun don't shine
I got faith in you and I
So put your pretty lil hand in mine
Even when were down to the wire babe
Even when it's do or die

Just the Way You Are

2011-07-05T11:54:00.001-07:00

“First rule, never let em change you
Rule two, do you to the fullest
And never be ashamed to
Your just good at what they can't do
And they hate that, they wanna paint you
In they color, put you on another
But what they don't accept, and what they don't see
The best thing is what you already be.”
–Lupe Fiasco (Just the Way You Are, Intro)

Sometimes Things Change

2011-07-02T23:07:00.001-07:00

I guess sometimes it does all change. Maybe not when you expect it to, or in the way you expect it to, but it changes. You are reminded of why the sun shines again and what it’s like to feel light and free and happy. You are reminded of the good times and reminded that there are good people and good things still in store for you. Sometimes, you think you know exactly what you want and exactly what will make you happy, and then you don’t get it. And, you think: man, this is it. this isn’t going to work for me. I’m going to be depressed and sad and things aren’t going to work out and life is going to be not as a planned and things are going to be shitty for a while and somehow I am going to have to find hope in a world where I don’t necessarily want to be.

But then something happens.

Something unexpected happens.

And all the things that you thought you knew you wanted still exist, somewhere. But, the new thing distracts you from what you are missing and reminds you of what it’s like to be happy and excited.

That’s what happened to me. It doesn’t always happen. And mostly, it happens when you are not expecting it (which I wasn’t). I am not sure how long to expect to feel this new feeling or feel this way, but for now I am just going to enjoy the excitement and joy that it brings me.

I’m grateful for the distraction. And who knows what it might turn into. I’m just happy I get to feel this way, even if only for a little while. It’s a welcome change and makes me happy in my heart. I haven’t felt this free in years. It’s such a blessing.

Lost Dreams

2011-06-29T11:55:00.001-07:00

What do you do when your dreams don’t come true? What are you supposed to feel when everything you imagined your life to be slips right out of your finger tips on a cold June afternoon? What direction and new goals are supposed to be set when you think you had it figured out but it doesn’t work out right? What do you do when the sadness and tears and lost dreams overwhelm your heart?

To answer any of those questions right now is impossible for me. I just think about those questions and I keep asking more questions. What if I would have tried harder? What if I would have pursued the dream the minute I knew it was a possibility? What if I hadn’t waited? What if I am never meant to live out that part of my life? What if the timing is wrong? When will the time be right? What was I thinking? This is why I don’t get my hopes up, why’d I let myself do it again? Did my initial fear crush the possibility of a dream come true? What if my internal navigation is off? Am I hoping for something I will never obtain?…

It’s the worst feeling in the world, realizing that something you thought was meant to be and something you wanted so bad, doesn’t work out. I had to grab my chest today because I felt like my heart and lungs were going to push themselves out of my rib cage. I sobbed and sobbed at the words I was reading. “Unfortunately” “At this point it is unlikely” “since you don’t have a credential nor teaching experience in this field our preference would be to hire someone with both.” My heart stopped. My dream of teaching at the high school was abruptly put to a stop.

I LOVE THOSE KIDS! I know them, I know what works for them, I know what helps them. I know how to talk to them to calm them down. I’ve witnessed most of them cry in front of me about life or hardships or homework or boyfriend troubles or family troubles. I’ve had lengthy conversations with their parents, several meetings with their teachers, pulled them from class for a variety of reasons (both school related and not), and I care about them. I check up with them, I remember what they say to me, I care about how they are feeling. Credential or not, teaching experience or not, my heart for those students is bigger than anyone could ever realize. That is something you can’t teach me in school, that is not a class that people can take. My heart and mind is in it for the benefit of the students. I care about how they do in school, I want them to be successful young people, and I check to make sure they are staying on the right track. There is nothing that I wouldn’t do to help support them and assist them in life, in school and in anything else there might be.

I wanted more than anything to follow my 8th grade students to the high school and be there to support them and help them navigate the unsteady waters of the high school. My heart longed to be the place where they came when they had good news to share, or needed a place to escape from it all. I imagined them seeing my face in the hall and being excited and coming to my class at lunch to eat with me, or me watching them get dressed up for their first homecoming. I imagined going to all the football games and dressing up in the team colors every Friday. I imagined dancing at the rally’s and staying after school to help the students with their homework. I imagined the meetings I’d have with the parents when things weren’t going right, and sharing the triumphs when the students were successful.

I spent the last year building a relationship with those kids, something that takes time and effort and determination. I cared. More than most would probably think is smart, but I cared. And, I still care. I’m worried about them. I don’t want 40+% of them to drop out of high school and not graduate. I don’t want them to feel like a little fish in a big pond. I want them to feel good about themselves, be successful and walk that graduation stage. They are my students and the kids that I care about a ton. I don’t want them to be handed over to someone who doesn’t know them or understand them or care about them. I want them to know that there is someone rooting for them at all times, good or bad. I want them to know that life may be hard but there is always someone in their corner, even if they feel all alone.

I know it is my dream of teaching at the high school that isn’t coming true, but I am also worried that many of my students’ dreams will be lost in the next four years too. I just hope they know that they can always come back and I will help them no matter what. Right now, an occasional visit doesn’t feel like enough. I want to be there, at the high school, with them. I want to be there rooting them on. I want to be there teaching them so much more and helping them be well educated and upstanding young people. I want them to know that they are the future and hope for this world and they have to be bigger and better and stronger than they even think they can be. I want them to know that they are special, and smart, and talented and that they have something to offer to the world. I want them to know that they have gifts and big hearts and funny quirks and that they are wonderfully unique.

I will miss you 8th grade class of 2011. You were my first set of students and you will forever hold a special place in my heart. Remember to be smart at all times, never settle for less and strive to be better.

“Excellence is the result of caring more than others think wise,
risking more than others think safe,
dreaming more than others think practical,
and expecting more than others think possible.”

An Unsent Letter

2011-06-24T22:51:00.001-07:00

Dear You,

First, let me start by saying that I miss you. In an indescribable and unimaginable way. It’s something that has hit me and has caused me to stop and take a deep breath or hold back a welled up tear. You were and continue to be a blessing and a light in my life. For someone who feels you offer nothing to this world, you offer me a reason and a purpose on a daily basis. Even when you are sad or feeling down, to me, you exude joy and life.

You have reminded me that life is about acceptance and trust. You showed me that we must accept each individual human being as they are. Broken, cracked, imperfections, faults and all. Each individual is all they can be, they can be no more. It is out job, as fellow humans, to take everyone for what they are worth and meet them where they are at. It is not our jobs to change them or fix them or unbreak the broken parts. It’s our job to love them. Period. It’s all about loving unconditionally and without intentions or notions of change. You taught me that. That’s pretty phenomenal. Before you, I thought that everyone could just work on being better and everything would fix itself. And while, part of that remains true, I was ignorant to a bigger part of the picture. Sometimes, people carry around pain and hurt that were put on them. Sometimes life hands certain people terrible situations that break and tear apart the soul. Sometimes life is unbearably hard and continually cruel, and no matter how hard you work or how hard you try…those things don’t go away. It’s hard to see the sunshine when you are buried in the ground. Sometimes I look at you and wonder how you are even standing before me. How do you even get out of bed in the morning and smile? I know I probably couldn’t if I had to be in your shoes. But your strength is astonishing and awe inspiring.

Not only have you taught me about unconditional love, but you have showed me that so many talents go unnoticed because they are overshadowed by faults. You are talented beyond belief. The things I’ve seen you do and come up with and create and generate are marvelous. You have abilities that are locked inside of you because of a few reasons. 1. Your fear of them being rejected. 2. Flaws overshadowing your talents. 3. Life doesn’t allow you the freedom or space to explore those talents. You have reminded me that we must all be allowed the space to explore curiosities and be reminded that mistakes are part of the process, talents are to be nourished and flaws are not the depths of a persons whole being. We, as people, generally tend to look at the things wrong with each person, rather than the talents they have. Rather than the abilities that person possess, we focus on what the person lacks. I’ve noticed that many people look at you and see what you lack, I look at you and I see what you possess and I hope that someday you can see all the wonderful things you are capable of, and not focus on the things you cannot do. You are blessed. Use those blessings. Your life will be rich and full and happy.

Also, you have showed me that you are keenly aware of people. That’s one of your many talents, but it’s also something I wanted to highlight. Your ability to notice people around you and the things they do or say or feel is amazing. You are able to pick up on things that most people themselves cannot pick up on. You notice minor details, or emotions, or idiosyncrasies that often times are uncharted. I have heard you say some things, and I’ll look at you and be floored by your perceptions. USE THAT SKILL! It’s something you cannot be taught, it is something you will never learn how to use through a book, and it is something that you inherently know and you have that gift. I hope that you use it to understand, help and learn people. I also hope that you use it to be a better you. Start to notice your own thoughts, actions or feelings and do something to make them better and to get them to be in a better place. Regardless of your circumstances.

Most of all, I just want you to know that you are special. You are gifted and talented and a blessing to this world. You are funny and smart and perceptive and strong. Believe in those things. Believe in yourself. And know, that no matter how far away or how long it’s been since I have seen you, or what happens…I will always care and love you. I will always feel you are a blessing and a joy to the world. I will always know that there is more to you than you let people see and I will always know that you are a kind and sensitive soul no matter what persona you show everyone. I hope only joy and love and peace and happiness in your life. I really do just want the best for you and I want you to know that I care.

Always,
“Patty”

An Ode to My Teachers

2011-06-24T22:33:00.001-07:00

Mostly this is my apology for all the teachers that ever had to deal with me.

Senora Noche, I am sorry I always was sent out of Spanish class for talking. I really couldn’t help it. My best friend was in that class with me and to this day, she still talks more than I do. I couldn’t help but pass notes to her and tell her what was going on with me. I hardly saw her otherwise. I am so sorry that I talked to her and didn’t pay attention. I had this urge to talk to everyone in that class actually. I just couldn’t stop talking because Spanish was hard for me and it was frustrating to be talking in a language that didn’t make sense. I really wish I would have not talked though, that Spanish would really come in handy right now (most of my students’ parents speak Spanish). Just for future reference: don’t send a talkative kid to sit out in the hallway. I loved it out there. I talked to anyone who walked by, or I would write notes to my friends. But, again, I am sorry for being a chatterbox.

Ms. McPhee, I am so sorry for making your first year of teaching miserable. I can’t believe the things I yelled during the middle of class. I was a horrible child. I know. I will say this, strategic seating had something to do with it. You put me within close proximity of about 4 other people my age…Groups for seating are a BAD idea. It’s funny because the one thing I remember learning in your class was figurative language. I still remember when you asked what irony was and Sam raised his hand and said “It’s like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife.” Thanks for teaching me at least one thing I remember, and I am sorry for yelling things in turrets-like-manner the middle of your lectures.

Mr. Miller, thank you for all the valuable lessons you taught me about being a great teacher. You taught me what it is to have passion and heart for your students, your job, and what you are teaching. You taught me so much about being a great student, and so much about the value of using humor with your students. I will never forget you, your class, or the crazy things you made students do. Just yesterday a kid fell asleep in my class and I woke him up the way you did. Slammed something on his desk to scare the crap outta him. Haha. But really truly, I hope to have half the impact on my students as you did yours. You are truly an inspiration.

All my PE teachers. I am SSSSOOOO sorry. I was probably your least favorite student of all time. I can’t believe I never ran the mile. How did I even get away with it? I don’t know. But I know for certain that I never ran the mile, in all my years of PE, and I am sure you wanted to shake me because it’s not like I was incapable, it’s just that I was being lazy. Whenever my students tell me they are failing PE because they don’t run the mile I laugh, tell them to run the mile, and that PE is the easiest class. Even though I failed it year after year. So I am sorry I didn’t do the easiest thing.

Ms. Phillips. Thank you. More than you will ever know. You are the reason that I am a teacher. Ever since 2nd grade when you were my teacher, I have known that I wanted to grow up and be just like you. I remember you having a picture of your family and dog on your desk and talking to me about them. You also let me stay in at lunch and help you with your work, or let me come after school to be your “TA.” I remember you being patient, kind, smart, and most of all, teaching me in a way that I understood. I can still visualize your classroom in my head and I thank God to have known you, because you are the start of my dreams. Thank you hardly seems like enough to say but, thank you. Wherever you are I hope you know how much you have touched and changed my life. Someday I hope that I will get to tell you all about it.

Ms. 7th grade English Teacher. I cannot for the life of me remember my 7th grade teachers name, but I remember your class. You used to read Chicken Soup for the Soul at the beginning of class and then we had to write in our journals about it. I went out and bought ever single Chicken Soup for the Soul book ever made because of you. It got me through some really hard times, and I even submitted a story to be published in it.

Ms. Young. I remember your classroom vividly. It feels like it was just yesterday that I stood up, shook your hand and witnessed you call each student mister or miss (last name). You wanted to show us that we had ownership in the classroom as much as you did and that we deserved respect and we needed to treat you the same way. You taught us so much that year, I can still recount lesson plans and activities and poems we wrote. You had a huge impact on me if I can remember what I did in class 12 years later. You were a get down to business kind of teacher, and looking back I appreciate that more now than I ever realized. You expected us to learn and expected us to give our best and be respectful at all times. That’s a gift that not every teachers gives, so thank you.

Ms. Coakley. I cannot even begin to express my gratitude for all you have done for me. You were an exemplar teacher and showed me exactly who I wanted to become when I was a teacher. Not only were you an amazing teacher, but you allowed me to be myself and you encouraged it. It was the first time I really felt like myself and like I was accepted by a teacher. It was wonderful to have you push me to grow, be better, and advance, all the while accepting where I was at in my life and my academic career. You showed me how freeing choice can be for students, and you showed me that there is more than one way to answer a question, write an essay, or express yourself. The freedom and acceptance that you offered in your class was uncanny and for that I am forever indebted to you.

Ms. Lineweaver. I don’t think in all my years have I gotten closer to another teacher than you. Although I never had you for any academic classes I always wished that I had. Step-Aerobics and three years of yearbook were very fun though. You were a great teacher, always positive, always funny, and always upbeat. You accepted each kid that walked through your door and treated us all the same. You never made anyone feel less than. You made each students happy and excited and worthy. That’s a talent that I need to learn how to do, and something that I look up to greatly. I have only fond memories of our conversations, my time with you, and everything you taught me.

Wisdom

2011-06-16T22:37:00.000-07:00

As I am attempting to make sense of everything right now, the only thing that is helping are others words. Here are just a few of the things that are inspiring me to believe in the truth right now.

"decisions are the hardest thing to make, especially when it's a choice between where you should be and where you want to be."

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." -anais nin

"Beginnings are usually scary and endings are usually sad, but it's everything in between that makes it all worth living."

"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars, I could really use a wish right now."

Words I Wish I Could Say

Insight from Middle School Students

2011-06-13T18:28:00.001-07:00

Today was my last official day teaching my first class of students. It almost feels like I am living in the twilight zone and like it’s not really over. I feel like I just started and the school year never even happened. It’s bizzarre. While I try to process the goodbyes and the ending of it all I thought I would share some insight to what my students are really like.

I asked the students two questions.
1. What really makes you mad or upset?
2. What really makes you happy?

Below are the answers they gave to the questions. Please note I have not changed the spelling or edited their mistakes in their writing. It’s half the joy of reading what they write sometimes.

The first question they answered was about being mad or upset. I think my favorite answer was “You.” I think I might have to work on that relationship with that student if I have to work with him in the future. :)

1. What really makes you mad or upset?
-The thing that really makes me mad or upset is when someone messes with my cousins.
-A lot of things.
-When there’s no school.
-The thing that makes me mad is when people at school talk about me behind my back.
-What makes me upset is when I can’t learn because the people around me.
-What makes me upset is when people put there dirty fingers in my food.
-Cleaning my room and doing work.
-My sisters.
-You.
-When they tell me what to do. When they keep repeating things over and over again when I got it the first time.
-When the teachers do boring assignments.
-Coming to school and waking up at 7:00 a.m. to catch the bus and also standing out in the cold.

The answers to the next question really help me remember why it’s such a joy to be a teacher and to be around kids all day. It’s hard a lot of the time, but, they are wonderful.

2. What really makes you happy?
-Being in my house sleeping.
-When I go play.
-Everything.
-What makes me happy is my family. When I am with them I feel really happy.
-What makes me happy is my family all together.
-Playing video games.
-Something that makes me happy is hearing good things said about Islam.
-What makes me really happy is going to different places, and food.
-What makes me happy is everything that is nice.
-The thing that makes me happy is when me and my family having a big family dinner because I have all of my family members.
-When everybody is working.
-Something that really makes me happy is when I do something right.
-The thing that really makes me happy is when I go outside and do stuff and not haf to be cramped up in my house all the time.
-When I eat something sometimes.
-Skateing.
-What really makes me happy is my little brother. The reason why my little brother makes me happy is because every day I come home from school I walk in my house and it just makes me happy.
-Well I don’t know a lot of things and stuff.

I shall miss you class of 2011, as you enter into high school I wish you all the best and hope great things for you!

Love

2011-06-08T20:08:00.000-07:00

This is self-explanatory... and it's just what I'm feeling right now.

On Turning 26.

2011-05-23T17:29:00.001-07:00

When I was younger I dreamed that at this point in my life that I would have 4 children and be married in a house with a white picket fence. I would have two puppies playing in the backyard and Keegan, Kenzi, Kayla, and Kolby would be happy and blonde and super sweet. I dreamed that I would have been a teacher for about 3 years by now and things would be mighty settled. I believed my husband would wear a tie to work and that he would kiss me every time he walked in the door. Frank Sinatra would be playing on the stereo and I would cook dinner and pick the kids up from school. I believed that my friends would come over weekly for dinners with their children and we would play cards and drink wine and sit on the back porch. I thought I would look older, have shorter hair, and buy clothes from Ann Taylor. I imagined me reading books every night with the light on from the night stand and my husband would read the newspaper. I thought I would be in bed every day by 10:00 and the kids would be asleep by 8:00. I would drive a black car and it would probably be a mess from the crackers but I would be happy. I figured we’d go to church every Sunday and my mom would hang out with my kids when I just needed a break.

That aforementioned picture is but a long lost dream. Or, I guess I should say, nightmare. My life is nothing like I thought it would be at 26. I’m a blonde and still buy clothes from Forever 21. I listen to music I listened to in high school and love to shake my ass to rap songs at clubs. Every night is different for me. Sometimes its Trivia, sometimes it’s baseball games, other times it’s movie night or dinners with friends or late nights at school events or something else random. Sometimes I’m tired, sometimes I’m energized. Sometimes I dress like I’m old and have a boring job, and other days I dress in hot pink and yellow. I spend a lot of my weekend time doing fun things with my mom or friends or random people I don’t know. Sometimes I go to L.A., and sometimes I fantasize about getting on a plane to Chicago or NYC for the weekend. I have a full life, a full schedule, and generally a smile on my face. I mostly think about work and how to be a better teacher. Sometimes I have homework (that I rarely finish on time because I am so busy living my life). There is a reason my life is so sporadic and crazy and fun and random. I learned that life is just better this way.

Through my 26 years I learned that I should say YES! Yes to the game, yes to dinner, yes to a night out, yes to drinks, yes to kickball, yes to Vegas, yes yes yes!! Life is so much better like this. I am tired a lot of the time and I spend a lot of my time sleeping, but when I am awake I want to live life out loud. I want my life to be colorful and full of memories and laughter and jokes and happiness. There have been some things that I have regretted and most of them have been because I said no when I wanted to say yes. I just take chances and I move to Chicago or I go on random trips to places I have never been or go out to eat with new people. I have made so many new friends in the past year that I know will be in my life for a long time to come, and so many new people that I feel so blessed to know. Friends that I feel God purposefully put into my life and who I have luckily gotten to know very well because I have said yes to new friends and new experiences.

While we live this life, i feel we all try to search for the answer “What’s the point of life?” And I believe it’s a lot of different things. I believe it’s about learning to overcome heartache and struggles. I believe it’s about growth and change and learning to adapt to situations and outcomes that are ever-changing. I believe it’s about loving and giving with your whole heart to the things that matter to you. I believe it’s about learning to love the slow times and breathe during the fast-paced and hard times. I believe it’s about being the best friend and sister and brother and aunt and cousin and daughter and sons that we can be. It’s about taking what our parents taught (or didn’t teach) us and making the right choices that are mindful of others and that take into consideration other’s feelings. I believe life is about laughing with the best of friends and hoping for the best outcomes for yourself and for others. I believe that it’s about taking chances. Mostly I believe it’s about having faith in the fact that God has made you into a perfect being and person and that there is nothing that has gone overlooked. But, what I am learning to understand on my 26th birthday is that it’s about saying YES! I feel so blessed and lucky to have the memories that I have because of the times that I said yes. I just look back on my life and I realize that I said yes to so many different experiences and because of that I have many memories full of smiles and joy and wonderful times. Things and chances that I know I will never get the opportunity to do again, but I thankfully and with a full heart, I am glad that I did when the time came.

Thank you Life and God for allowing me the heart to say YES so that I can feel full and blessed and loved and happy as I move forward into my 26th year.

I thought I would be depressed I was getting older and my life wasn’t where I thought it would be but as I look back, I am so lucky to have done what I have done and know the people that I know and have the memories that I have.

Life has been good to me.

Words I Never Said

2011-05-16T20:57:00.001-07:00

The other day I heard a song on the radio that inspired me to think of the words that I never said. I thought about the words I’d want to say to those people that have long sense left my life, I thought about the words I’d say if some came back in to my life, and more importantly I thought about the words that I would say to those people that are still in my life. I wanted to write them down or get them out before the chance to say them is gone. The sad thing is that the words that are eating me up inside are words I want to say to someone in my life right now, and I see them on a daily basis that I am not allowed to say these words to them for a variety of reasons. So I am forced to share them anonymously either on this blog or written in ink in the journal next to my bed. Today, many of these unsaid words have been on my mind and I just feel the need to get them out.

Here’s to the sanity of myself and to all of those that I love and would not be who I am without. Here are the words that I may never get the chance to say in any other capacity.

I love you. I really do. More than you will ever know. More than you could ever understand. You have changed me in ways I did not even know were possible and you forced me to see the world through new eyes. You showed me life is beautiful and messy and full of hopes and dreams and wonderful things, but also that there are dark places that many people should never have to know. You showed me what it’s like to have a hope in something of value. Hope in the future and hope in the beauty of a life that is better. By knowing you and getting to know you I have learned to love in a new way. Learned to love in a way that means accepting. Really truly accepting all the good and all the bad and not trying to change, but trying to live inside the person that you are and be the most wonderful version of yourself. You showed me that love doesn’t mean fixing, changing or altering, but believing in the goodness. I thank you for showing me the blessings in the every day life. For sharing your talents, your secrets, your hopes, your dreams, your sadness, your joy, your fears, your jokes, your painful beginnings and more importantly thank you for trusting me. I know it was not easy and I know that things have not ended up the way either of us intended. But, no matter how far away you go or what happens or how good or bad things get I will always have you on my mind. I will always be praying for your safety, praying for God to wrap his arms around you and love on you. I will always be hoping that you have a smile on your face and a friend by your side. I will continue to believe in the beauty of your dreams whether you do or not. No matter how many days or hours or years have gone by, and if I have seen you or not, I will always wonder how you are and hope that you are well and happy and full of joy. Thank you for reminding me that life is about trusting and loving and hoping and believing and pain and heartache and rising above it all. You are a wonderful person, maybe at times misunderstood, but I know your heart is pure and sweet and wonderful. I believe in you, love you, and will always have you on my mind.

The Words I Never Said

Not Knowing the Answer

2011-04-26T23:22:00.001-07:00

“The hardest part of anything is the beginning, and the second hardest part is letting go when it's the end.” - E. Fritz

As of lately I have been faced with questions and concerns that I never thought I would have. I once thought I knew everything that I wanted. I had a nice little list of things that I wanted. Then I got some of them, and I didn’t know what to do. Every insecurity began to emerge from within me. I started to feel scared and uncertain and so lost and confused.

For the longest time I believed that I wanted someone who was more emotional. Someone who understood what it was like to feel something deep within their soul. Someone whose heart ached at indecency, brokenness, and the troubles of the world. I thought I wanted someone who knew what it was to be sensitive to words, feelings and emotions. Then I got all those things and realized I needed someone to keep me grounded when I let my feelings and emotions fly off the hinges (which happens more often than it should).

I have had to let go of more than I have wanted to lately. I have had to say goodbye to old ghosts, old feelings and old habits. Much of my past has moved on, and I feel I am just the same. But when I really stop and look around I am so different than who i used to be. Even 9 months ago. My whole life has shifted from unknown to knowing. My drive in life has changed, my priorities have shifted and I have settled into who I am meant to be and who I have always been called to be. It’s so different how letting go has really opened my arms up to the beauty of the world.

I have had to be different because of what I have been called to do. I know this time in my life is the end to so many other parts, but I believe that my future is bright and full and will be blessed and wonderful. My calling to be a teacher, counselor and mentor to the youth. I cannot even put into words how deep rooted this calling is to me. Since I lack the words I will borrow the words from a few mentors and people I look up to.

"My dad, I still think, had the most beautiful, simple checklist for what you should do in life: Do something you really love that you would do it anyway. Do it in the most adventurous place you can do it. And make sure that it helps other people. And if you feel there's a genuine need for it, and that through that need you can help other people, you're home." — Diane Sawyer

"I am grateful to have been loved and to be loved now and to be able to love, because that liberates. Love liberates. It doesn't just hold—that's ego. Love liberates. It doesn't bind. Love says, 'I love you. I love you if you're in China. I love you if you're across town. I love you if you're in Harlem. I love you. I would like to be near you. I'd like to have your arms around me. I'd like to hear your voice in my ear. But that's not possible now, so I love you. Go.'" – Dr. Maya Angelou

“Whenever you are blue or lonely or stricken by some humiliating thing you did, the cure and the hope is in caring about other people." — Diane Sawyer

"The way you step up your game is not to worry about the other guy in any situation, because you can't control the other guy. You only have control over yourself. So it's like running a race. The energy that it takes to look back and see where the other guys are takes energy away from you. And if they're too close, it scares you. So, that's what I would say to my team all the time: Don't waste your time in the race looking back to see where the other guy is or what the other guy is doing. It's not about the other guy. It's about what can you do. You just need to run that race as hard as you can. You need to give it everything you've got, all the time, for yourself." — Oprah

"Everything passes in its time. It doesn't matter how much money you have, how much power you have, how high you sit on the Forbes list, how many times you make the Most Influential list—all of that changes. All of that changes. But what is real, what is lasting, is who you are and what you were meant to bring. What is the gift you were meant to give? And nobody can take that away from you."— Oprah

"God can dream a bigger dream for me, for you, than you could ever dream for yourself. When you've worked as hard and done as much and strived and tried and given and pled and bargained and hoped...surrender. When you have done all that you can do, and there's nothing left for you to do, give it up. Give it up to that thing that is greater than yourself, and let it then become a part of the flow."— Oprah

Blessings

2011-03-26T19:59:00.000-07:00

Inspiration

2011-03-21T22:30:00.001-07:00

Lately I have just been feeling blessed and overwhelmed with joy and love and such purpose in my life. I love what I do, who I have met, and where my life is headed. I can’t thank God enough for the joy that he has brought me by leading me into a life full of intentionality, people full of passion and a career that is far more than just a job.

I cannot say how lucky I am enough.

^{Romans 28:8 “}And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

livingstonandporter (etsy.com)

Can't Help But Love This...

2011-03-07T21:35:00.000-08:00

Insomnia

2011-03-02T20:32:00.001-08:00

Apparently the only thing that allows me time to write is the inability to sleep. So here I am, 1 a.m., and wide awake. I’m not sure if it it my never ending to-do lists, my confusing love life, or the exciting prospects in my life that are keeping me awake. Nonetheless, I am wide awake with many thoughts racing throughout my mind.

Is it me or is it him? How will I know what’s right for me? What’s next year going to hold? Am I forgetting to do something? Am I really that bad? When will it all come together? Has it already? Where do I start? What am I even doing? Will I get a new job? Should I even want a new job? Will I ever work through my insecurities? When will I have my own place? How will I know I’m doing the right thing? Does he miss me like I miss him? Should I even miss him? Why do I miss him? Am I always going to be this scared?

The best way to describe how I have been feeling, amidst the overdose of questions, is a feeling like I am a rolly-polly. I feel like I am so closed off and so shut down that I am rolling myself into a ball and refusing to open up. I told my friend in a phone call the other night that I feel as though I am trying to curl inside myself and hide, and I am just curling further and further within me. Hiding and closing off more parts of me as the days go on. I am hiding from everything that could potentially hurt me, I am scared to get out there and walk around, and more importantly I am scared to show anyone what I really am. I am closing out people and shutting down my emotions because I can’t bare the thought of heartbreak and hurt again. I have been left in pieces so many times and because of so many people that I am completely shut down. In a way I have never been before and with an intensity that I have never felt.

The world scares me.

I have never realized how shut down I really was becoming until I met a guy who refused to let me be shut down. He continues to push me, very gently, to open up to the idea of something new and trust that there are people out there who want to love and support me and be there with me. But it scares the living hell out of me. I’d rather stay cooped up in my room watching movies, doing homework, and thinking about how I can help my students tomorrow. The more I think about it, the more I realize I am becoming a “cat-woman.” I cannot see anything from anyone else’s point of view, and I am sticking to routine. Anything outside of what I am used to, or people I am used to, and I shut down.

Will this end in heartache?

I feel somewhat as if it is not fair for me to feel this way. I have been blessed in undeserving and uncanny ways. I have been given gifts, and chances, and opportunities that I have only God to thank for. I have had so many good people in my life and so much love and so much support when there are many people who have none of those things. I have lived many places in the world, I have met people from all over, I have a million stories to share, I have never felt as though I am without. I have always felt as though I have had more than I need and more than I deserve. I have had amazing luck with jobs, and I have been given so many mentors and heroes. I feel as if it is not in my rights to have such doubts and worries about the world and hurt and love. I should know that things will work out. They always have. I just don’t know how to let go and believe in my faith. I have to have control, and I am learning, as I get older, that I can’t control it all. I can’t control much of anything, if I am completely honest. The only thing I have control over are my own reactions to what happens to me. If I continue to live and act and react as a scared rolly-polly then I will never open up and start moving. I will be stuck. In one place. Forever.

I realize that I need to see my weak places, and work on those. I also know that in order to feel the sunshine and joy of a close and intimate relationship that I need to trust in the process of getting that relationship or those relationships to an intimate and special place. I feel that I need to also allow my gifts to shine and believe and focus on those, rather than focusing on all the broken places. It makes me feel unworthy and gives me all the more reason to hide in the dark so no one can see my scars.

I have to come out of my ball. I have to unravel and start moving forward. I need to stop hiding. I need to mend. I need to heal. I need to believe in all the beauty this world has. I need to stop focusing on a million to-do lists. Most importantly I need to not be scared.

Quotes for 2011

2011-01-01T22:17:00.000-08:00

Since I am starting off a new year today 1/1/11...I am going to start with some fresh and exciting quotes that I am recently in love with, have recently discovered, or have chosen to adopt as one of my many mantras of 2011.

Here's to new ideologies, new quotes, and a new year:

"Wisdom too often never comes, and so one ought not to reject it merely because it comes late."

"Even after all this time the sun never says to the earth, 'you owe me.'

Look what happens with a love like that. It lights the whole sky."

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”

“What is not started today is never finished tomorrow.”

"Don't long for the past or put off your life until the future. The time to live is now".

And last but not least:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Bring It On 2011!

2010-12-31T23:25:00.001-08:00

December 28: Achieve.
What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.

The thing I most want to achieve next year is to get my own apartment, furnish it, set it up, and create a home. I think once this achievement is made I will feel free and it will allow me an opportunity to have people over to share in conversations with. Perhaps, at some point, maybe start a small group or just cook for people on a regular basis. I hope that having an apartment will allow me a space to truly live and love my hobby of scrapbooking. I think I will finally feel, again, like a “real adult.” I want to feel settled, and living at home right now has sort of made me feel unsettled. Like I haven’t quite gotten there yet. This way, also, my friends who live far away can come visit. And I will feel at ease being on my own and I will finally get that peace and quiet I have so longed for.

It’s hard to think of things I can do to feel like I have my own space because right now I have to share everything. My bathroom, my classroom, my office, my kitchen, my living room, my cell phone bill…I mean everything is shared. It’s hard to think of where I can get that feeling of my own space when I am so far from having it. I am just grateful I can live at home right now and save up some money and not be super stressed out.

December 29: Defining Moment.
Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.

Like I’ve kind of felt throughout answering all these prompts, there wasn’t really “one moment.” Since 2010 was so much about transition it’s hard to point to just one moment. I guess one moment that probably changed my life forever was the moment I got the phone call from my principal telling me that I got the job to be a teacher. That moment has been something I have been waiting for since the second grade and just the start of fully living into my dream. (See next prompt for more)

December 30: Gift.
This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What’s the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year?

The best gift I was given this year was the chance to be a teacher. I am so grateful, every single day, to have my job. I love all of my students and I love the day-to-day things I get to experience. I may joke with everyone that the kids are crazy (which they are) but my heart swells and loves them so much. They are each a blessing in their own way and I love having the chance to work with them. Some things about my job are not ideal, but at the end of the day I would have it no other way. I wish I could take each and every one of my kids home and hang out with them and help them with their homework and feed them a nice meal and just get to know them better because they are all so special. I wish I could get them all to see that and I wish I could somehow let them know how truly important it is to be an educated individual and how they have to find their passion and source of joy for them to be successful grown adults. I want them to know that no matter what happens, I will always be there to support them and help them and that things might seem super confusing at this age but that it gets better. I wish there was some way for them to know that I think about them constantly and I only want good things for them and that even if I get frustrated at them talking, that it’s only because I wish they knew how important all of these things were and are to learn.

Being a teacher, will always be the greatest gift of all.

December 31: Core Story.
What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world?

The core story for me is about learning. It’s about learning about other peoples lives, it’s about learning more about myself, it’s about learning how to be the best version of myself so that I might be a light for others. Life is about learning how to adapt, how to learn to say no, and how to live in a world that is constantly changing.

Whenever I do not know something, I ask because I am given a chance to learn something new. Whenever I know something, or have a tool in my toolbelt, I always share it with others in the hopes that I will have taught them something. The core of life is about constantly learning everything. There is never a day that will go by that there wont be a million chances to learn something new. If I didn’t believe in the fundamentals of learning, there is no way I would be able to be a teacher. But I want to show my students that by reading, being open minded, asking questions, contemplating, understanding, knowing, and continuing to live a life that is filled with exploration is a life that will be full, and blessed, and lived. The central story at the core of me is that there is always something to learn.

I also believe the Heart of life is good.

December 23-27: Getting Closer

2010-12-29T22:41:00.001-08:00

December 23: New Name.
Let’s meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why?

I really don't know what I would want my new name to be. For a long time I wanted to be a Tiffany or an Amber because it seemed like all the rich girls were named that. But for the most part I like my name. Most people don't call me by my first name, they call me by my last name. Just easier I guess. But, at the end of the day, I think it suits me.

December 24: Everything's OK.
What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

This is kind of a hard one to pin-point. I always know that things will end up okay, and I have always had that belief. I guess I believe that they will end up as they should, whatever way that is, and I trust in the process. It’s being stuck in something that’s crappy and hard to deal with when it’s hard to live by the faith that it will turn out okay.

I guess my biggest “everything’s okay” moment was when I moved back home and started my teaching program. I had basically spent the last year of my life living in a terrible situation and working at a job that was, for the most part, terrible. I had no friends. No life. No family. No money. And nothing that really brought me joy. I didn’t know why I had ever left California, what I was supposed to be doing in Chicago, and I wasn’t sure if I was moving back because I was scared of the unknown, or if it really was the best thing for me. When I started that teaching program I knew that everything was okay, and in the end, I had made the right choice for my life and that things were going to be hard, and require dedication and work and commitment but that I would be okay in doing and dealing with those things because it was what was right for my life.

December 25: Photo.
Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.

I captured this photo at my twin nieces 5th birthday party. My sister has this really nice camera so I was just messing around with it and taking pictures of the kids. My sister had hired a “Bubble Lady” to come do a bubble show with the kids and they had buckets and buckets of bubbles to play with, and all sorts of cool toys. The kids loved it. They spent hours with their hands immersed in bubbles and bubble goop.

This one photo is one of two that are my favorite from that day. But this one especially captures something unique. To me it symbolizes the sweet innocence of childhood. The park. The bubbles. The sweet little hands. But on another level this picture tells a far greater story. No matter age, or date, or place, or occasion or time in our life…we are always reaching for something. And at the same time, it seems that no matter what we reach for, it is just out of our reach. We have to stretch high and high onto our tippy toes to get it, and even then, sometimes it disappears. The fragile nature of the bubbles represents to me that even when we do get the thing we are reaching for, sometimes, as soon as we get it, it disappears. Instantly. Then we are on for the next thing. The next dream. Hope. Goal.

I can only imagine that once the little boy reached and caught the bubble that it popped, and almost instantly did he turn around looking for the next one to chase. But for just one moment maybe the little boy (Alex) reached the bubble and his whole world was set right. He did it…Or, perhaps, it got away and he had to give up on it, and move on to the next one.

December 26: Soul Food.
What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul?

I will never forget the Chicken Romano I had at the Chart House. It was pan-seared with a blend of Romano cheese & panko breadcrumbs, with lemon shallot butter, tomatoes, asparagus & Yukon gold mashed potatoes. It was undoubtedly the most moist and flavorful chicken I have ever eaten. I still drool thinking about it. The location was beautiful. We were on the ocean front in Monterrey, my boyfriend at the time and I. It wasn’t really a beautiful evening, in fact the topic of conversation was heartbreaking. But…the food…that was a whole other ordeal. That chicken, was delicious and I would gladly go back for it again and again.

December 27: Ordinary Joy.
Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?

I remember a lot of events this summer vividly. I had the freedom to go on lunch dates and hang out at the pool with friends and get coffee with friends in the mornings. It was joyful because for the most part I was free during the day and going to school at night. It was nice to have so much freedom, and I am really looking forward to that same freedom again this summer. Regardless, a moment that truly sticks out is when I was sitting poolside with my old roommate Julie. We were eating salad from my favorite salad place Buckhorn Grill. We were just sitting there in our bathing suits, soaking up the summer sun, enjoying a fresh salad, and talking about life. I felt overwhelmed with happiness to have such a good friend that I could be open and honest with, to be able to enjoy the summer sun in ways I hadn’t in many years, and just so glad that I had come back to California. And I was reminded that my friendships and community that I had in California were the exact reason that I knew I needed to come back to begin with and I was so grateful that I hadn’t missed this moment.

December 12-22: More Reflection

2010-12-25T19:46:00.001-08:00

December 12. Body Integration.

This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

It is hard to think about a moment like this because this last year has been so transitional for me. Most of the year was spent deciding what to do next, where to go, what path to start walking down, and where to even start. It’s hard to think of being whole mind and body because this year was more about getting connected than actually being connected. I guess I could say that the moment I felt most integrated with my body was the day I started teaching. I was finally living out my dream, doing what I know I was created for. I finally believed that I was being the best me that I could possibly be. I knew that no matter what happened I was going to be okay because I was a teacher and I was living through my gifts. I have been continued to be blessed as a teacher and love every minute that I get to spend with my students. They are a blessing (and sometimes a curse) but I love them all for who they are.

December 13. Action.
When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?

I am living in my “next step.” I am working on getting my teaching credential while I teach. My first day of classes is in about two weeks, thus far I have sort of been flying by the seat of my pants and learning as I go. But now I will start doing homework and classwork. My aspiration is to be the best teacher I can be and hope that I help at least one kid become something by something I taught them or showed them. My aspiration in life is to be an inspiring cheerleader for my kids to be the best versions of themselves as they travel through this life.

December 14. Appreciate.
What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

The thing I have come to appreciate more than ever are friends. I have seen a lot of people come and go throughout my life. I have seen a lot of people who I thought would be at my side through anything, betray me to the bitter end and rip apart my life with their bare hands. I have seen my friends swear they would be there for me, and at the sign of something hard they turned a blind eye. I have sadly been let down many of times by friends. This past year my true friends have shown their true colors. Sticking by my side and believing in me, even when I wasn’t sure I believed in myself. My friends have been my cheerleaders, my shoulders to cry on, my sounding boards, and the people who have seriously questioned my intentions. They have made me examine what I really want from life and given me the strength to believe that I can and will achieve it, and more importantly: that I deserve it! I maybe don’t show gratitude enough to them, but every day I am thankful for them and I feel overwhelmed with blessings to have the people I have in my life.

Jeff: Thank you for unfailing to brighten my day. There has never been a moment in time when you haven’t made me laugh so hard I am nearly crying. Thank you for sitting and listening to my troubles and offering me sound wisdom and helping me see the truth whether I want to believe it or not. Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for putting up with my incessant bullshit. You are a wonderful person and I don’t know what I did before you. Mostly, thank you for being my best friend. I know I can count on you to be there for me through thick and thin, and it means more to me than I think you will ever know.

Hillary: This year has seen its ups and downs for both of us. I have hardly seen you, and we haven’t talked much. Our lives are full of opposite schedules, busy days and nights, and for some reason both of us are petrified of talking on the telephone. Regardless, when I really really needed you this summer you were there for me. It was wonderful to hear your voice when I was so confused and unsure of what I was doing. And you gave me the best advice anyone has ever given me and I will NEVER ever forget it. *(And I am not just saying that because it’s the cliché, “normal thing” to say in times like these), it really is advice that will reverberate through my ears for the rest of my life. I was talking to you about a boyfriend problem I was having. (Mostly, my boyfriend wasn’t willing to move to California and I wasn’t willing to wait), and I said to you, “I am tired of waiting for him to come here so I can start my life. I feel like until he gets here my life won’t really start.” And you said to me, “Your life is ALREADY STARTED. You are a teacher, and you are living in California, and you have tons of friends. Your life has totally started. You are doing everything you want. Stop waiting for your life to start, because it already has. Enjoy the life you have, the life you are living, and stop waiting for something else.” After you said that, things started to make sense in ways they never had before. And I love you for that. I love you because we are alike in so many ways, and I love you because you don’t give a shit what anyone thinks about you, and you are brutally honest, and you are just you. I hope some day we can live near each other so we can do dumb shit like make dinner and watch Jeff’s stand up comedy videos together.

Alecia: Although I don’t see you very often, and we don’t get to talk very often: I think of you frequently. You push me to be a better version of myself. You always question what I am doing with my life, in the most gentle of ways. You make me wonder why I really am doing what I am doing, what I am hoping to get out of it, and if it really is what I need to be doing. You make me want to have a stronger faith in God and Jesus and in the beauty of life. You make me want to love people that I would normally hate. You make me want to be a better me. And for that, I can never thank you enough. I just hope we are friends for a long long time because you make me laugh, you are honest, and your faith is inspiring. You are going to make a wonderful nurse, and a teacher, and one day you are going to find a man who will love you for all of the great things you are.

December 15. 5 Minutes.
Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.

There are sadly not that many things I want to remember about 2010. A lot of it was hard and confusing and most of it was built on the uncertain ground of tomorrow. I spent most of the time trying to make decisions.

Regardless, there were some moments that stand out. The night ended poorly, it was my “last night out in Chicago/birthday bash” and we went to some dive bar in Chicago where they had Karaoke. My friends and I sang Spice Girls, and the boys sang something terrible, but it was fun and I drank too much (which is rare for me), and everyone laughed and we played board games and I was so happy to see everyone. It was nice. To feel a part of something in Chicago. It was sad that it happened to be my last night there. Another time I don’t want to forget is a night at Standford’s with Heff (that’s Jeff in Spanish). I had a terrrribly long week at work, I was feeling really terrible and down in the dumps. I texted Jeff on a Wednesday I think to meet me for Happy Hour (half off food), and just hang out. I remember laughing so hard I was crying, and just having great conversation with him. We talked, about real and honest things, and we laughed about dumb and stupid things. We really just had an amazing time and it was exactly what I needed after the week/month I had. He reminded me of what a blessing he is to have in my life.

(and there are more things but my 5 minutes are up)

December 16. Friendship.
How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?

A friend that has changed me this year is for sure Alecia. She has been subtly pushing me closer to God, whether intentional or not, she has been. And that is a gift that I can not thank her enough for. It has been a gradual thing, but she has reminded me how important it is to be surrounded by people of faith and people that believe the same things as you or you will get sucked into the things of this world and not be involved in Godly living. She has reminded me that I have to be intentional with my actions, with my thoughts, and with my friendships and love relationships. She also has reminded me that at some point you really have to give all of yourself to God, even if it wears you down, because at the end of the day you will know that you did all you could do for Him. And that is the best way to pay gratitude to God, is by living through and with and using all of the gifts you have in every way possible. Thank you A.

December 17. Lesson Learned.
What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?

This is a tough one and an easy one. I could say one thing I learned about myself is that I cannot live in a cold place because it makes me cold. But that would be the easy answer. The hard answer would be that I learned I have to trust in God more, and be more faithful and honest with myself and the people around me. I can’t keep going to church and saying that I am a Christian and living like I am a non-believer. The things of this world, and the people who live only for things of this world are not going to make me content. I am always going to be wanting more and never going to be satisfied. BUT, if I start living as though all things are blessings and nothing is really in my control and that I have been given enough, I feel I will be truly shown a different life. I believe that through prayer, the right people, and a love for God and not for guys, is really what will fill my life completely. I previously lived as though a love relationship would make me complete (mind you I was looking for love through sex), but I am going to move forward knowing that the only true and full satisfaction can come from the grace and love of God. I know that puts a label on me, and in some ways makes me lose some of my edge that I worked so hard to get…and maybe some people won’t like me any more because of it, and some people won’t understand it. But, I would much rather not live the way I have been. Which is pretending to be close to God, when really all I was doing was living in sin. I would much rather live what I believe on a daily basis. God is real. He is good. He is faithful. He is abundant in his blessings. He is the way, the truth, and the light.

December 18. Try.
What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it?

Next year I want to try to get out of the country (or at least NYC). I keep talking about traveling and getting somewhere I have never been but I have not been able to do it. I didn’t do it in 2010 because I was hardly working, and wasn’t sure if I would get a teaching job, and I was traveling from Chicago to California, and moving across the country. It was kind of a busy, and expensive, year. I am hoping that this summer I can travel somewhere. Either to Italy, Paris, London, or NYC. Really, I would be content with any of them.

December 19. Healing.
What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?

I would say I am in the process of healing right now. I think I need to heal from a lot of old wounds, and a lot of things that were hard for me last year, and hard for me in past years. My “Best friend” sleeping with my boyfriend of four years. A different “best friend” sleeping with my first love. And yet another “best friend” being mean and harsh and playing with my mind and heart. I was just in a relationship that was exactly what I thought I needed, or I made myself believe it was exactly what I needed but didn’t want to admit the things it was lacking. The healing of things that have gone on in my family, and healing from past crap I just haven’t dealt with. I just feel raw and open and like a lot of things are being healed now because they have just been brushed under the rug until now.

In 2011 I would like to be able to find the power to believe that God, friends, community, and faith will heal me from all of the things that have been weighing on me, or have hurt me in my life. I don’t want to carry around this extra weight anymore. I want to be rid of it, or at least at peace with it.

December 20. Beyond Avoidance.
What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing?

Simple: I should have broken up with my boyfriend in May when I wanted to, but was too scared to.

December 21. Future Self.
Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?)

Dear 2011 Self,

I know things seem hard and confusing right now, but trust me, you will get through it. You can see the light at the end of the tunnel but you know that it’s a long hard journey to the end. Keep pushing through even when it’s hard and uncomfortable and you feel like running in the complete opposite direction back to what is familiar. In the end, it will be worth it. Your life will be more fulfilled, more successful, and most importantly: more peaceful. When you are wanting to be alone and tired and stressed and sad, push yourself to call a friend and get out there. Push yourself to be open with people, and to tell them how you are feeling in a gentle and kind way. Be more patient with your students: it is not their fault that your life is not perfect. I know you wanted everything to be easy for you at age 25, but trust me, by 30 you will have forgotten this hard time even happened. You will have all the things you imagined for your life. They may take longer than you thought or wanted them to but you will have them. Make time for the things that really matter to you and that bring you peace and joy, and it will be okay.

Also, stop comparing yourself to others. You know you have never been one to blend in with a crowd, you have always preferred to stand out. Keep that up. In the end, it’s much better to be a shooting star than twinkling night star. A shooting star may fly by quickly, but people never forget them. And remember that shooting stars used to bring you love. Things may come slower to you, and you may not feel like anyone understands you, but remember you have all those wonderful friends who have stood by your side, and who have always been a part of your life no matter how far away you lived. Be thankful for them. Also, open up your arms for new friends. Your life will change in ways you cannot understand once you find a church community to be an integral part of. Like I said earlier, you know the journey is not easy. You are on the road less traveled, the road where wounds get opened up, and life gets honest and dirty and hard, but at the end is grace and love and acceptance. Believe in that, and keep pressing onward. Most importantly, don’t give anyone the power to drag you down.

Love,

2016 Self

December 22. Travel.
How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year?

This was sort of already answered in a previous post, but I didn’t do much traveling in 2010. I would love to do more in 2011. Hopefully I will be able to. FINGERS CROSSED! :)

December 5-11: More Catching Up

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December 5: Let Go.
What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

There are several things that I let go of this year. Several things I cut out of my life that I realized just shouldn’t be in there. They came in a variety of forms, bad habits, people, starbucks, and other things here and there. I think most recently the biggest thing I had to let go of this year wasn’t a person, or a bad habit, but I realized I had to let go of the false reality that there is a perfect life waiting for me if I could just “get there.” I realized that there is seemingly always going to be something I’m waiting for or something that I don’t think I have or something that is hard to deal with. There is not an alternate universe where my spotless life exists. Life, friendships, relationships, jobs, living situations, money, family, and all of the other things in life require work and dedication and commitment on a daily and continual basis. There is never going to be a time where I wake up and everything from that point forward will be magical and flawless, and involve no risks or heartbreak or pain. There will always be something to work on, something to better, something to challenge me and something that requires sacrifice. I used to believe that once I got to a certain age, or had reached certain dreams that everything else would be just perfect. The truth and the reality is that life is a joyful and wonderful thing every single day, but it is not promised to be perfect. It is promised that in the end there will be perfection, but life on earth is traitorous and gut-wrenching and messy. I have come to peace with the fact that sometimes things will be better than others but there is never going to be a time when my whole life is flawless.

December 6: Make.
What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

The last thing I made was goody bags of candy for the office staff at my middle school. If I had more money I would have made one for everyone at my school but I felt the office staff really deserved it. I am constantly asking them questions or bugging them for favors, and they continue to do their jobs and work hard for me. They are also very helpful and kind and they also have a lot to do for the school. I know what it’s like to have an admin job and I know the stresses of it, so I wanted to do something to wish them a Merry Christmas and let them know they are appreciated. I used little cellophane bags, sparkly ribbons, my Rudolph stamp, glitter (stickles), green and brown ink, little red jewels for Rudolph’s nose, and M&M’s. It was fun to make and hopefully they enjoy them.

As for the things that I want to make, there are a million things. But that is generally typical for me. I always have a project in mind or something that I want to do for someone else or some scrapbook page I am working on. I will always have projects to make and I will always find time for them. I just wish I had a room for creation so that I could have a designated space for my creative side. Hopefully I can have that soon.

December 7: Community
Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

Community is a tough one for me this year because I felt for most of the year last year that I lacked community. I was in a new city trying to make friends, meet people like me, and connect with people that I knew through friends and my boyfriend (at the time). But, for some reason, it never worked out. I longed for close relationships; a real community but it didn’t come. So, I moved back home where I knew I had a community. I had a community at my church, I had a solid group of friends, and I had my family. Once I came back home in May I realized what I was missing for the year I lived in Chicago. I marveled in the simplest thing, like sitting poolside with a friend eating a salad and chatting. I went to lunch with friends from high school as often as I could. I would go to dinner, and get drinks, and hang out with and sleepover with and go out with and socialize with anyone and everyone as much as I could. I wanted to drown myself in community because I hadn’t had it in so long. My community consisted of three core-groups. One was a group of friends from high school, another was a group of friends I started hanging out with three years ago, and the other was my church community. For the most part they stayed separated, but I spent as much time in each community as I could. Once school started in August things changed because all my energy was focused in the community I wanted to create in my classroom and the community I wanted to be a part of with the staff at my school. While I absolutely love my students and the staff that I work with, I realize that I have neglected the other communities that have been a part of my life for so long. In the coming year I am hoping to find a better balance of all of the important people in my life.

December 8: Beautifully Different.
Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.

When I think about what makes me different, I think it’s hard to really pin-point it. I tend to surround myself with people who are like me so that I don’t feel different. A lot of times different has a bad association and tends to make you feel alone or weird or unlovable. The things that make me who I am and fill me up with life don’t necessarily make me different, they just make me into me.

Here are the things that make me into the person I am:

I love to scrapbook
I love to love people and hear their stories
The taste of sweet tea calms all my nerves
Good music soothes my soul
I am always thinking of things to write
I cry every single time I watch Made on MTV
I don’t like wine or beer or alcohol
I much prefer one-on-one time than group time

December 9: Party.
What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.

In all honesty, I can’t think of a really great party that I went to in 2010. I will have to get back to this one…

December 10: Wisdom.
What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

The wisest decision I made this year was to move back to California. I am finally a teacher, the thing I have longed for since I was 9 years-old. I am finally achieving the one and only true goal I have had my whole life. I am also discovering so much about myself, about my faith, about my friends, and about what is really important. Moving back has taught me so much. It has taught me what is really important in life: surrounding myself with like-minded people, being so thankful for what you have even if you feel you have nothing, keeping your family close because you never know when they will be taken from you, looking at each person as an individual and recognizing that they are special and unique, and devoting time and love to real and true friendships and cutting out people that are clearly not worth it. Moving back has not always been easy for me. I have lost a lot on the way back to living in California. But the insight, the knowledge, and the awareness I have gained by being back here has really opened me up for something that I know has not yet come.

December 11: Things.
What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

1. Sex
2. Boys
3. Junk Food
4. Soda
5. Self-doubt
6. Events or Outings I have no interest in attending
7 through 11: I will think about those some more. The first 6 are quite a lot of things to get rid of.

Getting rid of sex and boys will free up a lot of my time, and my heart, for other things to come into my life. When I spend all my energy worrying about a relationship or about sex or about being sexy or about who wants me or doesn’t want me, my mind can tend to get consumed. If I take that time and energy and put it into something good. Like volunteering or writing or more importantly PRAYING, then my life will manifest itself into something beautiful. Also, the guys have kind of been crappy and I deserve better than that. The boys and the sex are kind of like the junk-food and soda, no nutritional value and in no way help me become better or healthier. I just need to cut out things that do not help me become healthier, happier, or more complete. I need to focus on praying and building a relationship with God and Godly people and getting really invested in that lifestyle. I think over time if I cut out all of those bad things my self-doubt of me not being good enough or me feeling like I have to be something different or better will slowly begin to fade away.

December 2, 3, & 4…Trying to Catch Up

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December 2: Writing
What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

I have been meditating on this one a lot because I really don’t know. I guess the thing that doesn’t contribute to my writing is my laziness. I come home, tired from my job, and I really just get lazy because my day took so much energy and life out of me. I am alive 100% of every minute that I am at my job working with my students. I do not slack off or shut down or rest. I am on, all the time for them so I come home and shut down. Which in turn, makes me lazy, which therefore makes me not want to do anything productive. like say…write. So, I am going to try to be LESS lazy. :)

December 3: Moment
Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail.

This is semi-cheating because it’s a moment from 2009 but I remember it like yesterday. A moment where I felt truly alive is when I went to Chicago for the first time in May 2009, to move there. It was a complete and utter leap of faith. I knew one person, had never even visited, and hoped on a plane. I quit my job at a law firm to take a job as the Arts and Crafts coordinator for the YMCA, and I packed my bags and just went for it. I remember seeing the city for the first time and being amazed at the immensity of Lake Michigan. Seeing the Sears (now Willis) tower from afar. I remember looking down at all the houses and thinking how large their yards were and I was thinking of how cute and quaint all the towns near the city must be. I remember looking at the city and thinking this is it. this is me living my life. this is me experience everything I can experience. At the time of my flight it was almost sunset so the sun wasn’t really out much anymore and the sky was a greyish blue. I remember the feeling in my stomach of pure and complete joy that I was about to engage in something so unknown and unset that I didn’t know what to do, cry or laugh. I also remember knowing that I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

It turned out to be one of the best and worst decisions of my life but I will never forget the moment I first saw the city and the feeling I got looking out the plane window.

December 4: Wonder
How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

This year I cultivated wonder by spending most of the year exploring an unknown territory. By wondering what it would mean if I actually took the time to pursue my dream of teaching. I wondered where I would teach, explored what it meant to be a teacher, and wondered how to be the best teacher I knew how to be. I spent my time over the summer in class, reading books, creating projects, conversating with other soon-to-be teachers. I have now spent my first couple months as a teacher wondering and exploring all the different aspects of learning disabilities and students that are 13 and seemingly crazy.

I have also spent this year wondering about myself. Exploring what I need to do for me and wondering how to manifest that into every day living.

Dec 1: reflect on this year & manifest what's next

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December 1 One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

2010: Experience. I am choosing this word because everything I did last year was an experience. I learned so many new things, about people, about myself, about being a teacher, about being a real grown up. Last year was all about experience.

2011: Growth. I think last year gave me a lot of experiences, but I want this next year to be about growth. About growing into my potential. About taking those experiences and learning something from them and about growing into my full potential.

http://www.reverb10.com/the-prompts/

Finally Feel Like Living…or Quitting, I Can’t Decide

2010-12-01T20:44:00.001-08:00

To be honest, a girl I hate with every ounce of my being just go engaged. Now, I know there are a few things wrong with that sentence. A) I should not hate anyone, because hating someone does nothing to them and only ruins my spirit. B) I should be happy when someone gets engaged because it means a joyous beginning and a union of two people. C) The reasons I hate this girl are completely ridiculous.

Right now, though, I really don’t think I want to pay any attention to the “right” thing. This girl is just someone who I never though would ever be engaged, let alone, BEFORE ME! Not that I want to be engaged, and not that I really am in the place to be engaged. But it just makes me think: If someone like THAT can get engaged, what the hell is wrong with me?

I could give you epic long lists about what is wrong with this girl. I mean lists at length of how shallow and horrible and bitchy and completely self-centered she is. But I will spare you the details. Let me just say that the girl has a furry face. Yes, you read that right- A FURRY FACE. I know, I know. You’re thinking – How in the world can a furry faced spoiled girl be engaged?…My point exactly.

I found out this information the day after I decided to transform my life. On Sunday I decided that it was time for me to get a life make-over. I was going to start going reading daily, I was going to start a gratitude journal, I was going to start getting up at 5 a.m. every day to go to the gym, and I was going to revamp my love life and how I spent my free time. I bought books. I set my alarm. I started writing, watching Oprah and thinking this moment and these decisions were going to change my life and I was going to be happier.

I ate a salad on Sunday. I went to church on Sunday. I even heard a song at church called “Finally Feel Like Living” which totally described my life. I was at a point where I realized all these things I am and I am so afraid of letting them go because they have been defining of my image. I realize that it’s time to change these things because they aren’t good qualities and I need to be a “new me” by working on the not so good parts. The lyrics said “If I want to fly, I am going to have to say goodbye, and start a brand new way of life that finally feels like living. And I’ve got to try, stop holding onto all these lies. I’m tired of wasting all this time. I finally feel like living. I can wait until I know just what to do and where to go. But i might be here forever. I could surrender to my fears, like I've done for all these years. And never know if it gets better. ”

It was perfect. Everything that Elizabeth Hunnicut sang resonated with me.

When I got home I dusted off my books about daily devotionals, I downloaded some apps for my phone that would help with my goals. Then set my alarm for 5 a.m…and believe it or not I got up. I was onto my new beginning. Monday was joyous. My classroom was alive with joy, my students were on their best behavior, and I got a lot accomplished.

Then I saw the news. Damn Facebook.

I started to feel like no matter what I did, or who I vowed to become that someone was always going to be “ahead” of me. I thought I was in a place to be engaged and married and starting the rest of my life a few months back but taking a look at myself I realized that there is SO much work yet to be done which has led me to this revamping of my life and who I am on a daily basis.

I guess I can’t really let the news get me down. I should take my friends advice and remember that “you can’t compare your life to other peoples, and who knows, people get desperate, sometimes furry faces are what people are after. It’ll happen for you, but it won’t if that’s all you concern yourself with.”

So…instead of sitting on my butt and eating a gallon of cookie dough (which is quite possible because I bought cookie dough from a fundraiser at school and have a gallon sitting on my freezer), I am going to get out there and keep making these changes in my own life. I am not going to make them so that I get engaged or become “madly in love.” I am going to make them because I want to have a better relationship with God. Because I want to be a happy and fulfilled person no matter what may seemingly be “missing” from my life. I want to be healthy and feel good about how I look (for my OWN self image). I want to be the healthiest, happiest, most loving person I can be to EVERYONE I meet (even if they have furry faces). I want to remember every single day how blessed I am for so many wonderful things I have. I finally feel like living. Living to my full potential and engaging in relationships that are healthy and worthwhile and committing to God, love, gratitude, grace, giving, and being in good health so I can continue to do all of those things, every single day.

I found this quote that will hopefully get me back on track and forget about some furry face bump in the road:

“Before you speak, listen.
Before you write, think.
Before you spend, earn.
Before you invest, investigate.
Before you criticize, wait.
Before you pray, forgive.
Before you quit, try.
Before you retire, save.
Before you die, give.”

Having It All

2010-11-30T20:43:00.001-08:00

There was once a time when I thought you could have it all. A fantasy land I believed existed when you became an adult. While I was growing up I believed that every adult I knew had everything they wanted; except maybe money. Regardless, the adults had jobs and friends and were in serious relationships. To me having a job was way better than school could ever be. Friends were sweet when you were an adult because you could see whatever movie you wanted to and you could drive yourself to dinner and you could order three deserts and not a main entree if you wanted. Then there was the illusive serious relationship. Every adult had one, or if they didn’t they just had fun. The serious relationship was never very much work. Just seemed to be that it was someone who was around to hang out with you, and love you and cook dinner for you sometimes. There was no work involved. It was just everything.

The older I get the more I realize that having it all is impossible. At any given moment in my life I may have certain pieces of the puzzle, but I can never have the whole puzzle all at once.

The illusions I had when I was younger are all now reality and I realize that being a grown up and having it all is hard work, dedication, often involves lots of ice cream, and the picking up of the broken pieces when errors are made. Having a job sucks. School was way easier, and WAY more fun. And relationships, serious-committed long-term intense relationships. Well those are hard. Reallllly effing hard, and I don’t even want to get into that right now.

Victoria Secret

2010-11-10T17:37:00.001-08:00

Today a student of mine asked me if I was a Victoria Secret model before becoming a teacher. While it should normally be flattering and taken as a compliment, the kid was 13. I wasn’t quite sure how to respond appropriately, what to say as a punishment, or what to do if this happens again in the future.

I guess I shouldn’t be too offended. There will come a day where no one will think I could ever be a Victoria Secret model, so I should enjoy it while I can.

Really Starting

2010-08-24T22:26:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I embark on the start of a process I have been on since the second grade. Tomorrow I will officially be a teacher!! It's been a long hard road to get where I am but I am so grateful for every step it's taken for me to accomplish this goal. I have been all over the country, working all sorts of jobs from Subway to a law firm in the heart of downtown Chicago. I have worked at nearly 6 different scrapbooking stores, and Best Buy and my aunt and uncle's campground. I spent four-and-a-half years at Colorado State University, and then moved to California only to find out I still had to take more classes to completely get my B.A. Then I failed a class I was taking to finish my B.A. so I had to retake it. So my degree says I graduated a year and a half after I actually walked across the graduation stage.

Then I got a job as a mail clerk at a law firm, and was managing a scrapbooking store. Sometimes working from 8 a.m. to midnight (or later). I certainly don't miss those days. I got promoted at the law firm and laid off at the scrapbooking store, so I was working at normal 9-5 for about a year.

Then I decided I still wanted to live a little so over a year ago I moved to Chicago on a whim and thought I might pursue my teaching career there. It seemed to hard so I went back to working at a law firm and a scrapbooking store for fun. I gave up on pursuing education in Illinois and focused on coming back to CA because I knew that's where I wanted to be. I was torn because I would be leaving my boyfriend of a year behind.

Not but two weeks after I returned to California, I started a credential program that was 5 hours a day, for six and a half weeks straight, while working two jobs. My brain was running on overload for more than most of the summer. Although I couldn't think straight I knew I was on the right path because I would stay up til 1 or 2 or some nights until 3 a.m. just thinking about all the information I had learned that day in class and how I could apply it in my own classroom.

Then two weeks after my intense summer school program was over I was offered a job at a middle school that I happily accepted.

Granted, this is the abridged version of the story. Through all of these experiences there was much heart break, and there were times of immense laughter and joy. While I was grateful for the friends and family I had, I was always missing some one or something from some other place I once knew. I had to face choices and decisions on my own that I knew would change my life forever. There were moments where I didn't know left from right or up from down. There were times when I cried myself to sleep and then there were days that felt like I was overcome with joy at the opportunities I was given the chance to see and be a part of. I can't say it was a rollercoaster ride for me to get where I am, I would refer to it more as a season of changes, seasons of love and heartbreak, seasons of growth and rebirth, mostly what it took me to get where I am is strength and hope and faith. Strength that my dreams were achievable. Strength to overcome to hurdles that life through in my way. Mostly my journey, thus far, has required strength to believe in myself. And although strength was enough to get me through some of the harder moments it was really hope and faith that the desires in my heart were real and true and honest and that to deny these stirrings and gifts would be a waste of God-given talents and treasures. There are some things I know I cannot do well, they mostly consist of all things science related, and or anything that requires spelling (I don't know what I would do without spell check). I also am terrible at the following things: running, working out on a regular basis, being subtle, and lying. Did I mention I am terrible at running?

Regardless, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I was born to be a teacher. I have had the desire since I was 8 years old and it has only grown stronger with age. I am 100% blessed to have had this calling since I was so young.

Hopefully I don't screw up too bad tomorrow. :) I am just glad to really be starting what I dreamed so long ago.

Here's hoping.

Settling vs. Settling Down

2010-06-07T23:16:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's the fact that I am getting older, or the fact that I just moved away from my boyfriend (or ex-boyfriend?), or maybe it's because I'm on Tylenol PM. Regardless, I have been thinking a lot about marriage and settling down and being happy with someone. I want to know if it really exists. Like can you really be happy and passionate about someone every single day for the rest of your life, or do you have to settle for someone who brings you comfort and security?

Being the passionate person that I am, I always dreamed of being with someone just as passionate as me. And of course, he would be passionate about exactly the same things as me. He would be a photographer, and like to listen to the same kind of music, and he'd want to go out on exactly the nights I want to go out and he would want to stay in on exactly the nights that I want to stay in. And he would be passionate about art and life and creativity. I dreamed he would write me epic love poems about me and come home with hand made nick-knacks for me every night. I believed that I would find someone who valued the exact same things as me, in exactly the same scale. He would be romantic, and sweet, and funny, and caring and everything my little heart could have ever wanted. But I am starting to wonder if this is where my problem is...

How can anyone be exactly everything I need them to be at every moment of every day? How can I expect someone to know and feel and want and need and be passionate in exactly the same fashion as me? That's absurd, right?...

But I guess my bigger question is where do I draw the line. What things am I willing to give up? What things can't i live without? What things am I okay not getting from my boyfriend and/or lover and/or husband. What things can I bring to myself without someone else's help? And if I let go of some of those things that I need, is that settling? or just settling down?

Part of this grown up process has taught me that I can't expect things from people. I have to be able to provide them to myself and I have to be content in who I am and what I can do to make myself feel joy and loved and happy even if someone else isn't doing it for me. I have to foster my creativity, I have to follow my own dreams, and I have to listen to my own heart's callings.

I guess what I am trying to say is that my last relationship gave me things I never had before: comfort, security, trust, loyalty, honesty and safety. So for me, it got boring. There was no passion, or fire, or any real sparks on a daily basis. Not to say that there was no passion at all, but it wasn't very frequent. I want both, passion every day and trust every day. But I don't know if both things exist. My previous dysfunctional (but passionate) relationships were exciting because I never knew what to expect. There was always some sort of danger, or harm or insecurity just lurking in the corner waiting to come out and attack. There was passion because there was nothing else in those relationships. So, I am just wondering if you can have passion and security? Do they exist together? And if I give up on one or the other am I settling or settling down?

Nearing the End

2010-05-18T07:41:00.000-07:00

I am spending my last few days in Chicago sort of....confused. Since I am finding it hard to put it into my own words, here are some quotes that touch on what I am feeling:

"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves."

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways."

"To be all that is possible we must attempt the impossible. To be all that we can be, we must dream of being more."

"Going backwards to recover that which was left behind in the rush."

"Never are you more aware of what you want than when you are experiencing what you don't want"

I Could Really Use a Wish Right Now

2010-05-10T07:12:00.000-07:00

This morning while riding the train to work a song came on my ipod that got me thinking about the "good ol days." Well, actually I got started thinking about the "gool ol days" yesterday when a long lost friend was texting me about how much fun we used to have. Randomly going to Hawaii on a whim. Deciding the day before that we should do it. Going to the beach for bonfires. Getting kicked off the beach for bonfires. Spending all night awake talking and watching movies and swimming in the pool until our fingers and toes pruned up. These were the moments in time where time seemed endless. Where life seemed infinite and we could do anything in the world that we wanted to do. We were young and carefree and life was SIMPLE.

Somehow, along the way, things turned complicated and hard and there was no more ignorance or naivety. We graduated college and we got real jobs, my friend I was talking to even had a baby (very unexpectedly, and with the completely wrong person). Nonetheless, the carefree days of then somehow turned into the burdensome days of today. Life's simple nuances have been replaced with "real jobs" and responsibilities.

I don't know how the innocence was just gone one day. But it was. And these days when I wake up, I see EVERYTHING. The pain, the sadness, the worries that I never used to have. Although I tend to have a good attitude and always look for the positive, it doesn't mean I don't notice the bad. I used to not even worry back then. I never had anxiety. I never felt confused. Back then I was 20 and loving summer. I was doing whatever the wind blew my way. I was riding on the back of motorcycles, and painting my nails hot orange and wearing a size 4.

Now, I don't know, it's just harder. The choices I make now seem to inevitably affect the rest of my life. That thought, that weight, just seem almost unbearable at times. Like, "how do I know I am making the right choice?" and "What if this hurts too much?" or "What if I can't ever get over that...?"

Which brings me to the song that really hit home this morning. The song is a new song by b.o.b. called "airplanes":

I could use a dream or a genie or a wish
To go back to a place much simpler than this...

Somebody take me back to the days
Before this was a job
Before I got payed
Before it ever matter what I had in my bank...

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now.

I know I won't ever get to wish on airplanes, and I know that no matter how hard I try there will never be a way to get back to the place I long for. So I have to keep looking forward. Keep remembering the "good ol days" all while knowing that there are more days to come. Days that I can do anything I want with. I may not have the same young, carefree attitude I did back then, but I am still living an breathing and able to laugh and cry and live on a whim!

I guess a more important song to listen to right now would be by Jordin Sparks called "One Step at a Time":

We live and we learn to take one step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's supposed to happen

and we find the reasons why
One step at a time

So although I will try to remember to take it one step at a time... I could really could use a wish right now....

Forever Young

2010-05-05T08:41:00.000-07:00

I heard this song this morning and i love it, it's perfect for my life since it's almost my birthday:

May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung
May you stay forever young

May you grow up to be righteous
May you grow up to be true
May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you
May you always be courageous
Stand upright and be strong
May you stay forever young

May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift
May your heart always be joyful
And may your song always be sung
May you stay forever young

Planning My Own Parties

2010-04-30T13:58:00.000-07:00

So I have been wrestling with the idea of planning my own birthday party for the past couple of weeks now. I really don't know if its (a) appropriate (b) desperate or (c) weird...

Well, I went ahead and did it anyway. And I did it twice!! Once for my going away/birthday party and once for my coming home/birthday party. And now I am really excited to celebrate!!!!!!! I think I made the right choice sending out my own evites...even if people think I'm weird, at least people can plan and then I get to see everyone I love.

Today

2010-04-29T09:22:00.000-07:00

Today:

I have a headache
I am trying to control my uncanny desire to do things that are bad for me
I resisted the 420 calorie blueberry muffin at Starbucks (that looked DELICIOUS by the way)
I am nervous about what to say to my office manager about leaving
I am way too homesick for my own good
I have mild anxiety
I want to sleep for like 2.5 weeks and wake up and be done with this "transition"

I have so much to get done and so many things that are just left unfinished that it causes me to have anxiety, and apparently, overeat. I was looking for something last night and I couldn't find it. Because I couldn't find it I spent an hour looking for it. Swearing I knew exactly where it was, and then wondered if it had already been sent to my mother in the three boxes that I packed and shipped home last week. Then I wondered if it were gone forever. Lost into the abyss of moving boxes and random crap I don't need but am still holding onto anyway.

I just want to be moved, and know I have a job, and be settled into my OWN apartment, and not be moving back in with my mom. But I want nothing more than to be home in California. I can't wait. I keep thinking about all the wonderfully fantastic things that I get to do once I am home and about how wonderful it will be to finally be back in a happy state of mind. And it brings me so much joy to think about the carefree and nice and fun loving people that I know from home. And I get happy thinking about all the jokes and laughs and fun I will have. So although today may seem kinda gloomy and I have anxiety, and I want to eat fattening foods, and I have to tell my office manager that I am leaving, there is a serious bright light at the end of the tunnel.

Just trying to remember: "Replace the fear of the unknown with curiosity."

Ex - Lovers

2010-04-27T09:41:00.000-07:00

So I have recently come across some ex-lovers. Or I guess they have come across me...and it's really got me thinking about writing a book about them.

So here is my attempt at one story in particular.

Cliche Bar Encounter

There used to be this really great bar in my college town called Tj's. Or was it Tommy's? Well, regardless, it had this rooftop bar area that had dancing and tables and was perfect for a July summer night. There were white Christmas lights loosely decorating the walls and unlit tiki lights to create some sort of tropical ambiance. People were packed to the max outside, and I remember you had to wait downstairs in a line to be permitted to go to the rooftop. It often took a while to go up to the outside bar, because this was the only place in town that had an outside and on a hot summer night, there was nothing better than getting drunk outside and catching the eye of some dimly lit stranger.

This one night in particular I was out with a couple of friends and a guy I was "dating" at the time. I was chatting with my friends when I notice this tall, handsome guy staring at me. And I mean it's one thing to make eye contact and then look away, but this guy was staring. Not loosing ground. Looking straight at me. Staring. I met his gaze back with full force. He was hot, why wouldn't I? I pretended to be paying attention to the conversation I was listening to, but kept my eye on the guy. I somehow slipped away from my group and walked up to him.

"I think you were at the last bar we were at," me.

"I saw you there too," him.

We had met eyes at a previous bar, and I had noticed his cuteness then, but up close he was even better. He had these beautiful green eyes, dark hair and ever so enchanting smile. He didn't look like he grew up here either. Not a typical Colorado boy. But I couldn't tell where he was from. Wherever he was from they had fed him well. He was tall, like 6'4", just the way I like them. And he was slender and toned and he looked older than the rest of the twenty somethings at the bar. Not like he was 21 and out for his first time, but like he was in his late twenties just out enjoying the warm weather and summer booze.

"We should go out," him.

"Give me your phone."

I put my number in his phone. I can't remember if there were text exchanges that night or what. But the next day he called me and asked me when I would be free to go out. Without wanting to seem eager, I told him I had plans that night (even though I totally didn't), but I was free Sunday.

We decided on a nice Mexican restaurant that had the best margaritas in town. We sat outside next to a bubbling fountain and I drank a mango margarita and we split the nachos. He was sweet and talkative. He was also very smart. I could tell from the conversation that we were having that his intelligence wasn't just book smart either, he was people smart too. He told me about how he grew up in Iowa, and how he had started his own company in our town. He told me about growing up in a small mid-western town and I looked at him like a wide-eyed Californian. I had no idea what it was like to drive a tractor, or spend an evening in a car in the middle of a corn field.

He was very charming, and very enchanting. I was nervous, which is unusual for me in a setting with a guy. I mumbled and kept fidgeting and drank my margarita too fast, and then ordered another one...and then another one.

I should have known not to drink so much, but I was nervous and he was cute and the whole thing felt surreal. He was smart and funny and nice and tall and handsome and I was twitterpated over everything he was. It was stupid really, but while he was talking I imagined what it would be like to marry him and how happy I would be. I hardly knew this guy, and I had met him at a bar. After dinner we wound up meeting some of his friends across the street a bar and hung out with them and enjoyed ourselves out on the town for a little bit. It was nice. Just getting to know someone and hanging out with their friends and sitting and talking and having a nice dinner outside in the summer warmth.

But then I did something really dumb. Maybe it was the margaritas, maybe it was my nerves, maybe it was me trying to win over this guy who had somehow managed to wrap me around his little finger in a matter of hours. I was such a sucker.

"We should go back to your place," me.

He laughs. "Okay."

Needless to say I left an impression. I don't know if it was a good one or a bad one or a trampy one, but it was an impression none-the-less.

Throughout the years we continued to hung out. We went boating a couple of times over the summer at the reservoir in town. We'd meet up at bars and chat, or I even went to his college graduation party. We still talk every once in a while and now living in the mid-west I meet people who know him. Since apparently everyone in the Midwest knows everyone else. Without fail though, everytime I'd see him I'd get the same stupid feeling I got the first night we met outside, under the summer night sky, on the rooftop bar.

A Week In The Life

2010-04-19T07:13:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite scrapbookers, Ali Edwards is doing a project "A Week In The Life" and I am hoping to follow in her footsteps and do it as well! I'm really excited about this project because my day to day routines are about to totally change in just 38 days!

I am going to track all the little things that I do, and the weather, and maybe even some of my thoughts and feelings throughout the day. I have to figure out how to make the book, and I forgot my camera this morning, but I will make up for it the rest of the week.

I highly suggest this project to anyone, even if you don't scrapbook. Maybe just journal or blog about your weekly happenings. It'll be fun to go back and look at it. Ali Edwards has lots of different blog posts about "A Week In The Life" and I am sure you're bound to get inspired somehow. Here are all the posts from Ali about this project A Week In The Life: Ideas.

Good Luck. :)

33 missed calls

2010-04-14T12:53:00.000-07:00

33 missed calls.
How did I miss that? How did I not wake up knowing the moment had finally come. Hadn't I felt that sense of connection from the beginning? yet, somehow, I slept through 33 missed calls. I had known this would eventually come. I had seen in the fine print from that first day.

I sighed knowing calling the number back was going to probably be worse than I could imagine. But I dialed. My heart cramped in my chest as I waited for the voice.

"Hey." The voice on the other end sounded dead, tired and somehow swollen.
"Whats going on?"
"He's in jail."

What. Wait. How. Really? Did he screw up that bad? Had he really thrown his life out the window like this? What an idiot. I honestly. Honestly? I started to go down a list of potential reasons he'd have landed himself in the shittest place after being awarded a fabulous life and charming smile. Oh my god, he was probably getting eaten alive in that place. With his faux hawk and girl jeans. He barely had enough muscles on his arms to comb his hair anymore. How would he manage to defend himself against the men in jail? Did he get busted for drugs? If so, he had that one coming. He'd been dealing and using since the day he moved away and it was about time that shit caught up to him. I was sure the coke was the reason for the muscle loss in his arms. I knew it wouldn't be a big deal if he had gotten busted for drugs. Just a slap on the wrist and maybe some community service. Maybe he'd gotten a D.U.I. He'd been driving drunk since the summer of his senior year. His parents turned a blind eye and let him store 24 packs of Corona in the garage. He'd one time shown me the flask of vodka he kept in his glove box and proudly taken a shot of it while driving on the freeway. That was the same day he slapped me across the face. I mean that was a sure fire sign he'd end up in jail, wasn't it? I had to have known then that the innocence I once saw in the deep of his eyes was long gone. But I held on, hoping for something better. Something more.

I kept running down the list of why he was in jail now. Stealing. He always did that. Lying. About who knows what. Can you even go to jail for lying? Did he get into a bad car accident. Why would he be in jail for that? Grand theft auto. He loved cars. As I wandered through the list and options in my mind I couldn't grab onto anything without my stomach turning. He was in jail. For who knows what.

"Hello?" the voice on the phone interrupted my thought process.
"Where are you? What are you doing? What happened?"
"I'm in the hospital."
What.
"What the fuck."
"He beat me up."
and it stopped. my heart. the world. time. life. everything. stopped. as i stood on the cement steps outside of my job, in the freezing cold of winter, trying to not pass out, life as I had known it stopped.

Everything. Stopped. Dead. As cold and empty as the winter wind in Colorado that day.

Although I had thought through the options of what he had done wrong it never dawned on me that he had spent the previous evening beating the shit out of his girlfriend.
"What?"
"I'm in the hospital because he beat me up."
"What?"
"Don't worry he is getting out in a little while. His dad came down here, he's bailing him out."
"What?" WHAT! WHAT! WHAT?!

I didn't understand. It didn't register. Code error in the message being conveyed to me. I couldn't believe the boy I had known and loved for the past five years had wound himself up in this horrible mess of shit. What was he thinking? Was he even thinking? I knew this was in no way her fault. Knew that he had always shown the warning signs. He had always loved the taste of danger. Lived in the moment. Feared being left out or looked down upon. He always had to prove himself. Be stronger, bigger, smarter, better, cooler, than those around him. I always felt his battle. The one with himself. The one he had with the world. The one where he was told to be something and he was, just so no one would look at him differently. I saw him hit harder than he knew how to just to be one of the guys. I saw him mask his feelings and his thoughts as a means of protection. His heart often was fragile, if he allowed it to breathe. Most often he spent his time crushing his heart into nothing so he could be an intellect and a thinker. He never really wanted to feel. Not in a long time anyway.

When I first met him he was sweet. He was also a big time charmer and a ladies man. He wanted to get girls attention and he wanted to get the prettiest girls attention so he could be seen as someone worthwhile. He certainly had the looks going for him. Anyone who met him knew it. He was cute and he had his own personal style and he was smart. He knew how to say things to entrance a crowd. He knew when to lie and when to tell the truth. He had this charismatic way about him and there was no denying his personality. Everyone who met him recognized it and commented on it, to me and to him.

Ironically, he hadn't charmed me though. Not at first anyway, I was guarded around him. Afraid of his game and his mesmerizing smile. Plus he wasn't my type. He was too short and he had dark hair. I liked tall blondes. I didn't trust this boys quick wit and intelligence. In a way it intimidated me. I didn't like to be intimidated, I liked to be the one scaring the boys off. I walked carefully in the beginning of my relationship with this one. I led my own life, didn't take his crap, and even dumped him when he didn't call me for a day. I had no time for him and his ladies-man attitude. But somehow I fell in love with him, over time. It might have been the way that he was always eager and willing to do anything I asked. Or the fact that his tricks finally wooed me into submission. Whatever it was, I loved him. I knew there was a really hard and painful side of him. He had an arrogance about him that I knew was a cover-up for something else but when no one was looking he would cuddle with his mom on the couch, and had to sleep with a special blanket. Perhaps it was that knowledge that made me hold on to the hope that he was really a good person but this frantic phone call was proof otherwise.

(more to come...)

Scrapbooking

2010-04-09T14:32:00.000-07:00

Here are some pages that I want to make and love and I really want to scrapbook, maybe once I make some of my own pages I will post them on here:

blogs i borrowed these layouts from:

Cosmo Cricket
Sassafras
Studio Calico

New Favorite Quotes

2010-04-07T07:20:00.000-07:00

There is one thing that's always been true for me, and that's the fact that I LOVE quotes. Here are some recent favorites that I have found that are wonderful, and true, and honest:

"Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty. Believe in them, and try to follow where they lead."

"I would rather be ashes than dust. I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time."

"Sometimes you have to take the leap, and build your wings on the way down."

"Whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should..."

"Always continue to believe, never lose faith and never give up. This applies to everything in your life. And it applies to every principal that one chooses to believe in. If something is worth believing in, it is also worth defending at all cost, no matter how mundane."

"Hide not your talents. They for use were made. What's a sundial in the shade?"

"It had long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and happened to things."

Belief

2010-04-06T11:46:00.000-07:00

Today I am really scared that I will never become a teacher. State wide budget cuts, teacher lay offs, deficits...it's all screaming that teaching in the near future is seemingly impossible. So today I am trying to remind myself to believe in the voice in my heart calling me to be a teacher and listening and trusting the instincts that are mine. Instincts that know I will be a teacher.

I can't let others fears get in the way of mine. So these are my little reminders for today that if I just believe in my dreams then it will eventually happen.

When It Rains It Pours

2010-03-31T07:34:00.000-07:00

This post really isn't going to be long. I just want to vent about feeling stuck and sad and miserable. And i know most of my blog posts have been about uplifting things and trying to look at the positive and believe me I still do, but every once in a while a girl's allowed to have a crap day/week/year...and it's just been one of those crappy times for me.

Bad things keep happening to me and everyone I care about and I am just tired of it. Tired of crying and worrying and wondering and being upset and feeling so alone. It's just been super hard on me and my soul and my heart and my ability to pick myself back up again.

I just want to crawl into a whole and hide out for a few weeks until all things get better and I can stop worrying, wondering, crying and feeling very alone. I'm ready to be rid of crappy feelings and crappy things and I just want to be happy. I just want all the crap to go away. Even for just one day. No more crap for ONE day...is that so hard?...

My Hips Look Huge. Ugh.

2010-03-22T12:25:00.000-07:00

Spring is just around the corner, or, according to the calendar, it has already begun. In my binge shopping therapy sprees I have seen lots of cute floral prints, tank tops, and other adorable outfits that no longer seem to look cute on me. I try on everything I think might look okay and it ends up looking horrendous! I see girls who arms don't flap in the windI see girls who thighs don't touch and who's ass still fits into a size 27 and I wonder if they know how lucky they are to not have their fat thighs chafe as they rub against each other... and I am envious.

Just today I returned a skirt because it a. made my hips look gargantuan and b. was in no way flattering to my larger than life ass. After walking through two stores today and determining that I am too out of shape and not skinny enough for their clothes I went into a slight depression, one in which I loath over my unattractive body and wonder how I let this happen to myself. I fantasized about having buff and toned arms and thin legs. Then I wondered if there were a trainer that could whip my fat butt into shape in two months. Then when I realized there was no way I was going to lose all the weight I wanted in two months and that my hips were probably always going to be too large for a poofy skirt, I got really sad, and all I wanted to do was eat pizza. or a cookie. or go drink a big cold soda. Which is why I can't fit into the skirts or jeans to begin with. Depression = food. Food = fat me. Fat me = Depression. Depressed me over not being skinny enough to fit into the cute spring clothes I want = FOOD. It's a terrible cycle to be in. Fat, depressed and really full.

Today I am wearing all black, probably to symbolize my semi-depressive state, instead of the purples and yellows and pinks that I see everyone else in. I realize I should probably change my attire and start going to the gym. But this time change has made me really tired and the gym sounds so boring and hard.

So I am going to try to use these spring images to motivate me to get a move on and try to work out enough that I can look cute in all the spring clothes I keep seeing all over town.

Fragile Little Things

2010-03-18T18:57:00.000-07:00

Just a few moments ago I found out that one of my twin nieces who is 4 was rushed to the hospital after falling off a stool. No one seems to be answering their phones and with my family a million miles away I am only left with my destructive thoughts to try to piece together what may be happening right now.

First off, I am overcome with sadness that she fell and hurt herself and I can't imagine how scared and how much pain she actually is in right now. I worry that because my brother-in-law was without my sister that it was tremendously hard for him to somehow get one twin and the other out of the restaurant they were in and somehow sooth poor little Ella. I just imagine this horrific terrible event happening and I feel sad and upset that I couldn't be there to help out. Or how, if only she hadn't taken that one faulty step then she wouldn't have fallen.

It's moments like these when I realize how much I really truly love and miss my family and how I wish I could be there for them for everything they ever have to go through. I wish we all lived down the street from each other so that I could be there at the hospital right now in the ER. Or I could have been there when the other twin fell and cracked her head open. I think about how many good and bad moments I've missed in the lived of people that mean so much to me because I am far away. This year especially. I am so terribly far away that I feel so disconnected from every one and I feel like I chose to make my life something different thinking that what I has wasn't enough. Thinking that I needed to search to find new and better things, when I realize now that all I ever wanted - I had.

I had every thing I could have ever asked for. Friends, great family, a beautiful place to live, a job that made me happy, a lifestyle that was carefree and full of life and joy and laughter. But for some reason that wasn't enough, and now, in moments where someone needs me most, I am stuck in an apartment ALONE, because I have no one in Chicago, and crying by myself because the only thing I can do is wait by the phone to hear what happens next.

I am not really living. I am surviving off old memories and waiting for phone calls. I am revisiting happier times to somehow manage to live another day. I am reminiscing through old photos or old laugher but I am not creating anything new.

I took for granted all the fragile little things I had in life. The things that didn't seem to matter from day to day. I thought that I somehow would come to this new city and this new place and find some miraculous thing that I had never seen or had before, when I realize now that the real miracle was having a full and abundant life.

Life is full of fragile little things that make it all worth it. My advice: don't ever forget that.

Who is St. Patrick?

2010-03-17T08:06:00.000-07:00

Today is a day I have never really understood, nor really cared to understand. It's just a holiday like Cinco De Mayo, another reason for people to drink a lot and claim they aren't alcoholics even though getting belligerent on a Wednesday used to be a sure fire sign of alcoholism. Now it's just socially acceptable, when it shouldn't be (in my opinion). Neither should dressing up like a leprechaun, but that's what's happening in this world. Drinking on a random nonsensical holiday, and dressing up like red heads makes you cool or fun or something.

Personally, I wish the world were to celebrate actual things more often. Things that make this world happy and cheerful and honest and real. Lets get dressed up and dance and have a party for our parents every single day for raising us, or let's laugh and sit together and have dinner outside because it is a beautiful night and down coats are finally unnecessary. Or let's have a block party and invite every single one of our friends and let's celebrate our friendship, just because it's Wednesday and for no other reason than for our friends to know how important they are. Let's celebrate, and not by drinking, that we are ALIVE and breathing and loving individuals and have a roof over our heads and food to eat for breakfast lunch and dinner. How about the celebration of the fact that we can drink or eat or do as we please, whenever we so choose to.

Perhaps St. Patrick did something amazing. Maybe I'm missing the point since I haven't done my research. BUT, regardless. Let today be a reminder to celebrate the little things and the wonderfully meaningless but very significant things in life. I wish people celebrated these small wonders as much as they celebrate holidays like St. Patrick's Day or Cinco De Mayo.

Just think if the world found wonder and significance in truly meaningful small pieces of life and lived to celebrate it the way they do a holiday most people know nothing about. Just imagine it now...

Quotes Quotes Quotes

2010-03-16T08:34:00.000-07:00

I love quotes and here are some of my favorite. Hopefully you can find meaning in one or more of these:

"Maybe you had to leave in order to really miss a place; maybe you had to travel to figure out how beloved your starting point was."

---

"That which causes us trials shall yield us triumph: and that which make our hearts ache shall fill us with gladness. The only true happiness is to learn, to advance, and to improve: which could not happen unless we had commence with error, ignorance, and imperfection. We must pass through the darkness, to reach the light.”

---

"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves."

---

"To be all that is possible we must attempt the impossible. To be all that we can be, we must dream of being more."

---

"There’s a tide in the affairs of men which taken at the flood leads on to fortune, but omitted and the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and miseries. And we must take the current when it serves or lose the ventures before us."

---

“You block your dreams when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith.”

---

"There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do."

Enough

2010-03-09T09:17:00.000-08:00

In response to A Week of Worthiness:

Feeling unworthy is easy these days. Feeling like there is just something missing, something I'm not doing it right, something that just isn't enough is mostly what I hear. Through people's verbal judgments, through glossy looks. There are voices on the internet talking about what I should be. People's awkward stares at the post office that tell me I'm wrong. So many voices in my own head telling me that I have to be thinner, quieter, more reserved, more easy going, less outspoken, not so tired and have a better job before I can be enough.

A good friend of mine once put it like this, "My whole life I have always been 'too' much of something. Too loud. Too emotional. Too outspoken. Too harsh. Too much. Too needy. Too sensitive. Too stubborn. For once in my life I'd like to be just enough of something."

Her words resonated with me and have been reverberating in my ears ever since she said them. I have found that how she described her criticisms and how people labeled her have shown up in my day to day life ever since she put into words what I couldn't say myself. Like my friend, I have never been just "enough" of something; always too much of something. Which in turn leads to this eternal struggle of listening to my own voice, and hearing other voices being shouted in my ear telling me I'm not worthy enough. I have to fix this thing about me. I have to change that thing about me. I have to do this thing just right. To be the "right" kind of friend. To be the "right" kind of sister. To be the "right" kind of student. The "right" kind of co-worker.

If someone out there knows the equation of "just enough" emotion, heart, head, voice, reason and soul to be the best kind of person possible, please share. Because somehow I seem to be screwing it up. Whether it's by my own standards, or my peers standards.

Since all these things are telling me that I am not good enough or worthy enough - I will resolve to abolish the things I hear that are telling me to be different and attempt to love and appreciate all that I am and accept all that I am not.

TODAY'S THINGS TELLING ME I'M NOT ENOUGH (& MY RESPONSE):

1. Me telling myself that I am not attractive, sexy or wanted until I lose 20 lbs. My Response: ~~20 lbs.~~ I have much more to offer someone than a number on a scale. I have a compassionate heart that longs to do justice in the world, teach the youth of America the importance of self love, and give more than it receives. I have a soul that longs to write novels that change people lives (or at the very least give them something to read and enjoy in the sunshine on a warm sunny afternoon). I have a brain filled with knowledge and stories that make people laugh and cry and everything in between. I have a creative bone that dreams in color and paints pictures in my mind of art and crafts and beautiful things.

2. Me telling myself that I have wasted the last two years of my life working a job that has nothing to do with what I actually want to do and now, because of the budget crisis, I may never be a teacher. My Response: ~~Wasted my life~~. I have met a lot of really great people at some of my jobs, even my best friend Hillary. I have only grown more keenly aware of the fact that there is nothing more important that using my God given talents because if I don't they go to waste and the world misses out. This is my motto right now re this topic: “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” -Howard Thurman

3. A person passive-aggressively twittering that I am "worthless, ignorant, naive, immature, wimpy, a robot, soulless and bossy." My Response: ~~worthless, ignorant, naive, immature, wimpy, a robot, soulless and bossy.~~ I know my heart. I know my worth. I know my maturity. I know my strength. I know my soul. I am aware of my weaknesses and am working towards bettering them. All of these things are not defined by someone else, and I will not let them be.

---

There may be more at a later date, but those are the three things I will focus on today.

My life is my own, and as long as I am living with good intentions, following my strong and compassionate heart and trying to bring others joy, I believe that's ENOUGH for today.

I'm Going Home

2010-03-09T07:15:00.000-08:00

Well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.

Listen to "Home" by Daughtry

Home used to be this place that I longed to get away from. I thought everyone at home was stuck up and mean. I thought there was so much world I was missing because I lived in the same place my whole life. Everything was the same since the day I was born and I felt I had been robbed. That if I stayed where I had always stayed that I never would grow. So I moved away for college, and moved away after college (right now).

But as I get older I realize it was just my age that created these feelings of animosity towards peers and the need to explore. I see clearly that no matter where you were every 16 year old girl was the same, all her friends sucked, she couldn't wait to leave home, and she wished her life were different somehow.

Now I long for home in ways that are indescribable. My yearning for people who have known me for longer than a few months or weeks only gets satisfied in small doses when I get to go home for a weekend visit, or I get to talk to an old friend on the phone. I long for the smells of my favorite bakery, or the taste of my favorite deli sandwich. I reminisce about the days when I knew which direction was east because the beautiful rolling hills decorated the eastern horizon. When I close my eyes I can imagine every detail of the decorated city lights that I see when I am driving from one town to the next. I can see how green the hills are in the spring time, and what the ground looks like after it's been pouring rain for days. I remember how good it felt to feel just "kinda" cold in the winter, and I miss the sun streaming into my room no matter what time of year it was.

There are things I ran so far and so fast from I didn't even get a chance to realize that I would miss them. There are people I really don't care to ever see again. Mostly because my life is better now that I don't have to see them, but there are also people that are irreplaceable. There are people that have forever changed my life and I know will be a part of me until I am old and wrinkly! There are places I am sad that I have yet to explore and there are places I have seen that I wish every one in the world could see so they could understand true and awe inspiring beauty.
No matter where I go, who I meet, or what goes on in my life there really is no place like home.

“Home is a place you grow up wanting to leave, and grow old wanting to get back to." -John Ed. Pearce

Can't Let Psychos Steal Your Joy

2010-03-03T12:31:00.000-08:00

Today it's come to my attention that my biggest fan has decided to repeatedly twitter about me. She has said some pretty awful things about me. She has decided, on her own accord, that I am worthless, naive, ignorant, immature, bossy, wimpy, and self-important.

But like my bff says, "you cant let psychos steal your joy." So, instead of hating on this person, who is after all, my biggest supporter, I am going to say thank you.

Thank you, hater, for reminding me of how lucky I am to know so many wonderful people. Thank you, biggest fan, for making me the center of your life. Thank you, bitter co-worker, for pointing out to me that I have been blessed to have a heart full of joy, and love, and compassion, while yours seems to be non-existent. Thank you, ranter, for reminding me how important it is to never judge someone you don't know. Thank you, twitter freak, for giving me a chance to practice patience. Thank you, disrespectful grown woman, for calling to attention that although I may not always feel pretty or skinny, at least I don't look like you...

(okay, sorry I had to throw one mean one in there)

Thank you, groupie, for allowing me the chance to rise above. Thank you, aficionado, for taking me out of your life and allowing me more time to spend with people who are kind. Thank you, devotee, for refreshing my memory on how important it is to be gracious. Thank you, enthusiast, for giving me the fuel to be the person I was raised to be.

Thank you, psycho, for not stealing my joy.

In the Absence of Your Company

2010-03-03T11:45:00.000-08:00

No matter how much time passes, or what events decorate my daily life, one thing has never changed. That is you. There is this seemingly endless bond between us, that maybe I am the only one that still feels it, but it's there.

You are constantly in my dreams, whether it be to bring me a hug or whether it's to leave me yet again. Sometimes I wake up from dreams that you were in and I can feel the immensity of your absence. Sometimes I wake up from no dreams at all and I first think of you. I can be watching TV or running on a treadmill at the gym and I see your face or hear your voice or smell your smell. Sometimes thinking I see you floors me and I have to stop and hold on tight while the sadness and emptiness of your departure fills me up. Often times I cry, big heavy sobs because I am scared that you have forgotten me. Scared that you don't remember my voice or what my face looks like. I think about all the times where there was no where else to go but to you, and I wonder if you still get that same void feeling I get when I want to turn to you but realize that you're not an option anymore.

I still hear you laugh when I am lying alone in bed sometimes. I'll close my eyes and remember what it's like to see your face again after time apart. Even on occasion I think I hear your old car driving by and my heart skips a beat like I am 17 again. It was so much simpler then, when you loved me and I loved you and there was nothing else that mattered. But things happened between the naivety of youth and the harshness of real life. The betrayal and the heartbreak and the lies were more than either of us should have ever had to endure. And I think about what it could have been like if neither of us has such a wild spirit. Could we have persevered? Could we have made it to the finish line?

I still wonder if the box of stuff I gave you is tucked under your bed. I wonder if those notes still collect dust along with lost socks and old t-shirts. I almost begin to cry when I think you may have thrown it all away. You were so in love with me and I was so in love with you. Maybe it was youthful ignorance or maybe it was just what both of us needed at the time, but nearly nine years later, your absence is ever present.

CUPCAKES

2010-03-02T08:54:00.000-08:00

So after publishing my last post, I realized I needed some cheering up. What better way to do it than with CUPCAKES:

I have NO Life.

2010-03-02T08:15:00.000-08:00

I decided yesterday after spending 7 solid hours in front of the T.V., yes s-e-v-e-n, that my life has become terribly void of life.

It's pathetic really. There were days and months where I barely had time to breathe because I was so over booked and over worked and over scheduled. I would have dinner plans on Monday, and Trivia on Tuesday, and plans to eat Taco's with friends on Wednesday, and go dancing on Thursday, and scrapbook on Friday, and Saturday go to the city, or go on a shopping spree i couldn't afford with my mom, or lay out by the pool, and Sunday I would go to church and have dinner before church, or have a movie before church, or go hang out with friends before hanging out with other friends before going to church.

Now, my life is boring. I don't do anything.

Here is my day monday - friday:

wake up. work. home. cook dinner. gym. tv. sleep.

It's terrible and depressing really. I try to find stuff to do and things that make me happy and will get me out of my rut, but there seems to be nothing. Everyone in this town is not my kind of people. They are all stuck up, immature, rude, self-centered, or all of the above. I have tried and tried and tried to make friends and meet people and get out there and make a life for myself here in Chicago. But I have failed miserably. And when I say I failed, I don't mean it in the sense like I tried to ride a bike and it took me a while to get up and get going, I mean it in the sense like I tried to ride a bike and rode the bike into a tree and broke my leg. Yup. It's official, I can't make friends in this town.

No Friends = NO LIFE.

I tried to put myself out there. I tried with my boyfriends friends girlfriends. I tried with some people at church. I tried with some people at the scrapbooking store. I tried with the girls at work. And it never worked out. It really screws a girls self esteem up when she's trying to be nice and get to know people and she gets turned down left and right. And getting rejected by a girl is a million times worse than a guy. Getting turned down by a guy is easy. You get up and you go out there and you meet a new one. Guys are simple. They are easy to figure out, easy to talk to, and easy to get to know. Girls. They are IMPOSSIBLE. When you meet them you have to be careful at first, making sure not to offend them, being careful not to say something they would deem stupid, you have to watch what you wear so they don't think you are trampy, and you have to make sure that your interests are on par with theirs. You have to make them laugh, and give them some sort of juicy gossip, but not too juicy that they think you will talk about them when they leave.

Guys: give them a bear and show a little cleavage and you're good.

Regardless, all of my friends are a million miles away. And I love and miss them terribly. Even the ones I wasn't always 100% fond of when I was home in California. And you want to know why I miss them? Because they are all fun and they are all easy going. Everyone here is uptight and a huge asshole. I miss the california peeps. They would do fun things like play Rock Band all day with me on Sunday. Or they would dance like crazy fools because they didn't care who else was there. And they would kiss Cougar's at the old people's bar. They would bring limes and tequila to my house every time they came over. They would go to a country bar with me and ride the mechanical bull (or at least let me ride it). They would take me fishing on their boat, or let me tag along to guys day on the boat. My friends would stay up all night at a Casino with me, or follow me on my blind first dates when I did online dating. My friends would wear crazy colored clothes out and they would play Apples to Apples with me and LOVE it. And my friends would have scrapbooking parties. Or they would sing crazy karaoke songs and not give a crap what they sounded like.

I miss having a life. I used to have it really good. I am worried that I won't ever get that kind of life back again.

And if you have any ideas on how to meet people, let me know...because I am really sick of watching t.v. and hanging out with myself. And this Chicago winter is not doing anything for my depression. It's always cold and dreary out. How am I supposed to meet people dressed like an Eskimo?

I miss my peeps.

Inspiration

2010-02-25T08:29:00.000-08:00

Today I feel like writing about my old love life. You know, the one involving my ex boyfriend going to jail, or ~~dating~~ being friends with a boy for three years, or having my best friend sleep with my boyfriend of four years. I feel like purging that on to the paper today. I feel like being an ARTIST. Creating. Making. Taking every bit of emotion I've ever felt and putting it on to paper.

I will attempt to write something today, maybe...but I can't create anything with paper since I have to sit at my boring desk job all day.

In the meantime, while I think about writing a story or two, here are some things that are inspiring me today:

{Nifty Photos}

and most importantly:
{Nifty Photos}

I tried to create a playlist full of inspirational songs and add it to this post but it didn't work, you can check it out here: Feb. 25th Inspirational Playlist

Possible Book Intro!

2010-02-24T10:15:00.000-08:00

I've dated them all. And I do mean all of them. The quarterback, the band nerd, the basketball player, the shy one, the loud one, the felon, the super-christian, the cocky, the humble, the wise, the ignorant, the guy who makes you drool, and the guy who makes you cringe. I've dated the guy who laughs at my jokes but has none to contribute, the guys who never stop making jokes and takes nothing seriously, I've dated guys that hit me, that I hit, others that would never even say a cuss word or go over the speed limit. I've dated the emotional, the unemotional, the mean, the gentle, the angry, the happy, the frat boy, the historian, the best buy employee, the unemployed, the wealthy, the poor, the middle-class, the beautiful, and the not-so beautiful. If I haven't listed one part of every man you know then I probably dated his best friend, brother, cousin, or someone close to him. I've dated cousins of friends, friends of cousins, brothers of friends, friends of friends, randoms, people I've known for six years, people I've known for six minutes. Guys I've met at bars, guys I've met at church, guys at house parties, guys at friends birthday parties, guys online, guys at school, or guys at football games. I've dated guys that were roommates of guys I've dated, and I've dated brothers of guys I've dated. I've dated guys a foot and a half taller than me and I've dated guys an inch taller than me.

I don't know if it's a feat, a triumph, or just a story or two but I've been there and back with probably every type of man there is. Some might say it's a problem, others might say its co-dependency, some may even suggest it's bad-ass. For me, its just what I've done. Always. It's what I've known, it's what I've been. It's what I've experienced. I wouldn't call it anything but a life. A life that I chose to live every day. And I can tell you that some of the stories you are about to read are stories you've heard, and others are stories you've never heard. Some of these stories might make you laugh (at least that's what I'm attempting for) and some of these stories might make you cry. Regardless of what you take away from them, every single man, guy, or boy that has entered my life has changed me, molded me, taught me, and has left part of them within me. It is my duty to share with you what I have been left with.

(thoughts?)

"On Waiting"

2010-02-23T11:58:00.000-08:00

"I have always, essentially, been waiting. Waiting to become something else, waiting to be that person I always thought I was on the verge of becoming, waiting for that life I thought I would have. In my head, I was always one step away. In high school, I was biding my time until I could become the college version of myself, the one my mind could see so clearly. In college, the post-college “adult” person was always looming in front of me, smarter, stronger, more organized. Then the married person, then the person I’d become when we have kids.

For twenty years, literally, I have waited to become the thin version of myself, because that’s when life will really begin. And through all that waiting, here I am. My life is passing, day by day, and I am waiting for it to start. I am waiting for that time, that person, that event when my life will finally begin...

But this is what I’m finding: This is it, in the best possible way. That thing I’m waiting for, that adventure, that movie-score-worthy experience unfolding gracefully. This is it. Normal, daily life ticking by on our streets and sidewalks, in our houses and apartments, in our beds and at our dinner tables, in our dreams and prayers and fights and secrets. This life is the most precious thing any of us will ever experience...This is life in all its glory, swirling and unfolding around us, disguised as pedantic, pedestrian non-events." -Shauna Niequist Cold Tangerines

These are the things I've been waiting for:

-to be a teacher

-to take my nieces to Disneyland

-to love my apartment and not feel the desire to move

-to afford to take my dad or mom or sister to dinner

-to have the ability to save money

-to write a book, or get published somewhere

-to create something that someone feels is worth money

-to go to Italy, and Paris.

-to feel settled

Some of these things I don't have because of my own stubbornness (or laziness), some of these things I don't have because I haven't had the right opportunity present itself, and some of these things haven't happened because I just don't have the money. Regardless, they are all possibilities. They are all things I can have if I work hard at them, and I persevere through the struggles that it takes for me to obtain them. I should stop waiting to have these things, and instead make them happen!! I know I can. I know exactly how to get all of these things. Some of these things I could have had earlier than now but I have let my own fear of failure get in the way of pursuing my dreams.

Today I resolve to stop waiting.

Today I will get off my bum and do what needs to be done.

Today I will stop waiting and start living.

Today is the day I have been waiting for.

(now lets hope today is also the day I start being serious about going to the gym)

When Did I Get This Fat

2010-02-22T11:09:00.000-08:00

I know you're thinking: you're not fat. And I may not be. But none of my pants fit anymore. I had to go out and buy new pants. AND for the first time, I had to buy LARGE shirts. Mediums don't fit me. The size itself tells me I'm big. Large size shirts = large sized girl. So you can tell me I'm not fat all you want, but I'm fat.

I don't know what happened, or how I got fat, or how to make it go away. But I want it to stop. I hate every picture I take. I always wind up wearing sweats even when its totally inappropriate. I don't wear tank tops because I don't want to show my fat arms. And every time I go to the gym and the machine asks me to enter my weight, I enter it really fast so that no one near by sees how fat I've gotten. I almost feel like lying to the machine so people won't judge me at the gym for being slightly obese.

I mostly blame this on my move to Chicago. This place is full of fattening foods, and comfort food. Plus it's FREEZING cold and so naturally my body stores fat. A lovely side affect of winter weather. It's not bad enough that it is below thirty every day, but hey, lets put a few added pounds on your ass and thighs!

Ughh...

Dr. Henry Cloud

2010-02-22T09:58:00.000-08:00

He is a famous therapist who I am friends with on facebook. He is a very technological therapist (with lots of published books), I feel like he never sleeps. Anyway: today he wrote something on his facebook that seemed quite intriguing.

Question: is what you are doing sustainable? Think about some area of your life, whether work or personal, or emotional, and put it to the sustainability test. "Can you keep doing what you are doing for an ongoing amount of time?" If you could, that would mean that it is sustaining itself, or said another way, you are finding enough resources to keep "it" going. If not, it may be a sign that you need to make some sort of change, or just make sure that this is not "just a season." A CPA could not keep up the pace of March, but he or she knows that after April 15th, the pace will change. If you are in a known season, and overextended, that may be ok. The problem comes when a "season" becomes a "pattern." If you are in a pattern that you do not want to go on indefinitely, think of what you can do to make a change that will get you to a sustainable place.

This sustainability question session got me thinking about my current situation. Currently I am in a place where I am living a life that is not something I can sustain for a long period of time. Having hardly any friends, feeling like my work life is empty, having nothing to do in my free time but shop, having no one to share life with besides my boyfriend...that is hardly living at all. I go home, I make dinner, I watch TV, i sleep, i get up, go to work, go home, make dinner, watch tv, sleep, get up...(okay, you get the picture). Basically my day to day living has no living in it. I'm just living on a plateau going no where and walking the same way every day. I don't know how much longer I can sustain life this way.

So, the next question is : do i try to sustain life in L.A. which has been invariably calling my name?

I heart

2010-02-22T09:30:00.000-08:00

today is a day for the things i love:

♥sharpies:

♥art:

♥california:

♥bokeh:

♥moon sets:

♥literature:

♥my friends:

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Tiger Tiger Tiger

2010-02-19T08:56:00.000-08:00

Today Tiger gave his speech/apology to the world, or to those people who didn't boycott it. Personally, I think Tiger did a fine job. Could you imagine having to apologize to BILLIONS of people for your mistake. Just imagine how you felt when you were younger and you broke your mom's favorite vase, or crashed your parents car, or did something totally stupid...and you had to admit it to your parents, or your best friend, or someone else you really care about. How horrible was that? Didn't you just feel so bad, and like such a disappointment? Well multiply that feeling times A BILLION (literally), and try to apologize. Considering the circumstances, and knowing how many people Tiger let down, I think he did a fine job.

Tiger is clearly working towards being a better man and restoring his marriage. He is taking steps to work through the therapeutic process of restoring his mental health, he is attempting to heal his marriage, and his biggest concern was the well being of his family through all all of his personal wrong doings.

So to a very specific bitch that I know judged Tiger like she was perfect...go screw yourself. I know you think you know what's best...but for one minute of the day can you give someone a fucking break...I know you think that "tiger woods sounds like a tool" and that "this whole thing is the some of the most atrocious shit I've seen" but can you HONESTLY tell me you've never had to apologize to anyone?

Yes, Tiger is responsible for getting himself into this situation, and yes it is Tiger's bad for cheating on his wife. But he is doing the best he can. People make mistakes. People fall down and make poor choices and do dumb things sometimes. They act like idiots, and ignore what really matters. Every single person has done something they regret, or they would take back, or something they wish they had never done to begin with...but what Tiger has shown is that he isn't just backing out when it's easy. He isn't just walking away from his marriage and his kids and family. He is taking the hard steps of dealing with the issue.

Most people in this world are too scared of therapy or too scared of themselves to actually look in the mirror and face their shit. So, although many people would disagree with me, my hats off to you Tiger. For being the better man and taking the high road. Congrats on working it out in therapy. My hope is that you don't find yourself back in this situation and you really work it out with your loving and supportive wife, and that your kids don't have to feel this pain again.

And just remember folks:

Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young

2010-02-18T07:53:00.000-08:00

I love Baz Luhrmann's song, "Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen" (originally an essay "Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young" written by Mary Schmich and published in the Chicago Tribune as a column in 1997). Ever since the song came out in 1998 I have been obsessed with it. I listen to it several times a year, quote it often and sometimes sing it to myself when I am thinking something poor or trying to find the right words to get motivated. It's a good reminder to people of my generation to see things are they really are, rather than in a skewed version of ignorance and innocence.

It goes a little something like this:

My favorite lines of the song/speech are (which are ever poignant today):

"Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth, oh never mind. you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded, but trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you cant grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked."

"Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get,
the more you need the people you knew when you were young."

"What ever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either
your choices are half chance, so are everybody elses."

"Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday."

Quotes

2010-02-16T13:41:00.000-08:00

If you don't know me...i am obsessed...like taken over, look at every day, can't stop repeating, and sending, and searching, quotes. They are my all time favorite things. I have binders and books, and emails, and scrapbooks FILLED with my favorite quotes.

Here are some ones that I am IN love with:

"I used to complain because I had no shoes, then one day I met a man who had no feet."

"There are two ways to live: As if nothing is a miracle; or you can life as if everything is."

in the midst of my searching I found my new favorite pastime: http://icanread.tumblr.com/